


Worth Fighting For

by FanaticeIllabantur



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Apocalypse, Apocalypse, Blood, Cheating, Death, Depression, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gore, I don't know what else to tag, I would also tag all the other characters because all the characters from all the chronicles come in, M/M, Malec, Rape, Suicide, Torture, Trigger warnings:, Zombie Apocalypse, and it isn't, but i thought that might make people be like, ooh look here's a fic where Kitty is the main ship and focus, that's the main ship, the tmi characters are the main ones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-07-25 20:39:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 31
Words: 183,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7546761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanaticeIllabantur/pseuds/FanaticeIllabantur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus and Alec are living in the days of the undead. They just want to get through it alive, together, in one piece. Does the apocalypse ever let that happen?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Worth Having

**Author's Note:**

> A fair forewarning, from chapter twelve onwards, things get very dark, very quickly. There’s a lot of death and a lot of dark thoughts so please, if that sort of things affects you, read with caution x

>  “Anything worth having is worth fighting for.”  
>  **―** Susan Elizabeth Phillips,  _Heaven, Texas_

_Magnus_

The dead ruined everything. No matter who you were or where you went, they were always there to ruin it. Nothing about them was good, they created havoc and nothing else. Everything in their path was wrecked and they cared not for what they left behind. They were destroyers and they ruined everything.

The heat was horrendous, the breeze non-existent. With the land leading on as far as the eye could see, very few would find any reason to continue running and living. This life no longer seemed worth having, but the six bodies that were coursing through the long grass underneath the midday sun were still going. The sweat poured off their bodies as they ran to escape the doom that chased them.

Their energy levels were low but they could not stop. In the distance, a road was dawning, their route to escape breaking through. Cars littered it, all of them would likely be empty but hopefully there was gas. They needed something good, by the Angel did they deserve it.

As they advanced, Magnus used his longer stride to pick up the pace and pull ahead, surveying the cars to find a suitable one. When he found a pickup truck with keys inside, they manoeuvred it out of the wreckage of the cars it lay amongst until it had a clear path. It was low on fuel but it would be enough to get them out of there until they found somewhere safer to rest. They all piled in, Magnus driving off just as they herd behind them reached the road.

Although he kept a steady hand on the wheel, Magnus wanted nothing more than to collapse and forget about the world he lived in. He had to swerve occasionally to avoid the corpses that lay in the road, and it just made his heart heavier. When this had all begun, he knew life was going to be tough but never like this. This level of difficulty was nothing short of impossible.

He had his friends of course but, and not to be morbid but to be truthful, they weren’t going to be around forever. Neither was Magnus. Everything would come to an end and, even though that was still the case before, it seemed completely inevitable now, like a dark and doomed fate.

“You okay?” Alec asked, Magnus catching Alec watching him through the corner of his eye.

Magnus nodded and put on a smile as he glanced at Alec in the only seat next to him. “Of course, darling. Whenever am I not?”

“You know you’re awful at lying.”

“I’m tired, that’s all.”

“No, it’s not.”

Sometimes Magnus forgot how easily Alec saw through the façade Magnus put up. Alec didn’t even try to do it and he could, better than people Magnus had known his entire life.

“Magnus,” Alec pressed.

“It’s just, sooner or later, we always run,” Magnus said, sighing.

“And that’s what worrying you?”

“It’s not a worry, as such, more depressing,” Magnus smiled weakly as he turned his concentration back to the road in order to avoid another rotter.

“You shouldn’t let it.”

“And why is that?”

“Because it’ll eat you up until you can’t breathe. You’re not alone, don’t go through _this_ alone,” Alec said, lightly touching Magnus’ arm for comfort.

Before Magnus could answer, he was interrupted by a tapping at the window at the back of the pickup truck behind their seats. Magnus quirked his head as Alec opened it up for Jace.

“There’s a housing lot just there. We should stop there for the night,” Jace said, poking his head through the small window.

“Sure,” Magnus replied. “Did anyone pick up our packs, because Alec and I didn’t?”

“Oh, yeah,” A female voice sounded from behind Jace. It was Isabelle. “I grabbed a couple, there was only two, right?”

Magnus shrugged. “There might have been another few but I’m sure we can find some more in these houses. Hopefully.”

They continued to drive until Magnus pulled up outside one of the first houses of the lot. The six of them piled into it quickly, never liking the feeling of staying outside for too long.

Inside, it was relatively clean considering the apocalypse had been ongoing for about a year. The door was, of course, broken through and it had been looted through a fair few times seeing as the furniture inside was overturned or broken. There were pictures askew on the floor, cupboards thrown open, and the windows that were smashed let in obscured light, fragmenting shadows and reflecting odd shapes through the broken glass.

But it was deemed safe after a quick scan of the house. They traced the rooms upstairs as well as downstairs and, once they thought it was okay to do so, they sat down in the mismatched seats in the living room. ‘Living’, however, never seemed to be the appropriate adjective anymore.

They began eating peaches out of tin, sharing them around as they discovered they didn’t have all that much left. Magnus pondered as to what they were going to do now since their latest camp had been destroyed, somewhat forming a pattern to their lives. A disturbing pattern.

Their first basic camp was set up in a hotel that was quickly overrun because it was a stupid place to be. The second camp they hauled up in was a fenced area with a few shops, attacked by bandits and, following the attack, a hoard of walkers too. Then they had been on the road before setting up in a campsite that was not the best protection against walkers. Their last camp had been an abandoned supermarket, but bandits had attacked again before an excessive amount of rotters were brought on by all the gunfire, and so that was ruined too. Now they were here.

“So, what’s the plan?” Simon asked, giving the tin to Clary as he asked.

“I say we consider a change to our current approach,” Magnus said. “I know we’ve been discussing since the beginning about where we’re going, but I’m not sure we’re all that clear on the idea. Are we finding somewhere to set up for life or finding a boat like Isabelle suggested?”

“If we did find a boat, where would we go?” Clary asked. “I understand it seems like a good idea, but can any of us even drive a boat?”

No one offered themselves up.

“So we _aren’_ t getting a boat?” Jace asked.

“It doesn’t seem li-,” Alec began.

“Surely it can’t be that difficult to sail,” Jace said. “I mean, what’s to it, really?”

“ _Well,”_ Alec started again, his voice louder for emphasis. “I’m sure picking up the skills for being able to sail a boat isn’t too difficult, but say we get trapped in a storm or the boat sinks, then we’re stuck in the middle of the ocean. So, a boat might be a good idea if we knew how to cope in the middle of the ocean, but seeing as we don’t and we also do not _have_ a boat, it might not be the best idea.”

This was followed by silence as they all took in the fact that this was quite a problem, one they hadn’t even considered before. Magnus sighed and sat back against the sofa. Magnus didn’t know what they were going to do. Everywhere ran out of what they needed in the end; if you had a town, supplies would disappear; if you had a well-supplied area, bandits would come along and take everything. Basically, if you had something good, people would want it, and if you didn’t have anything worth stealing, then that place wasn’t good enough for living in either.

“So, what are we saying then?” Isabelle stood to stretch as she asked before moving to the window.

“That we have no idea what we’re doing or where we’re going.”

“I don’t want us to carry on the way we have been,” Magnus said.

“Do we have much of a choice?” Clary asked.

“Probably not.” Alec leaned into Magnus as he too sighed. “But you never know, if we keep going, we might venture onto something that lasts.”

“ _Is_ there anything that lasts?” Isabelle asked.

“Don’t be such a pessimist, Izzy. It might not be the best option but it’s the only one we have. Compared to trying to find a boat we can’t sail, or swimming to an island or whatever, all we can do is find something to set up and keep going for the longest time possible.”

“That’s as good as it gets,” Magnus said as he pressed a kiss to Alec’s cheek and then stood. “I’m going to check the other houses for food. Then we’ll check for gas. Anyone coming?”

Jace, Isabelle, and Simon arose to assist Magnus. Clary and Alec decided they would stay and explore the house a little further. It wasn’t anything to get excited about, but keeping them for being idle was always a bonus. When they weren’t bored, they couldn’t think about the inevitability of death, so that was good.

Making their way along the road outside, they found only a few cars that weren’t completely smashed through. Luckily, Magnus managed to pry open the boot to one that contained gasoline canisters, though only one of them was full. They made their way down the road to find the rest of the street was completely bare.

“Well, at least we know there aren’t people here,” Jace said.

“Shall we split up?” Magnus asked.

They agreed and each of them went into different houses. Inside Magnus’, he found himself in a place that was rather clean. There were pictures dotting the walls of a family of five and there were still shoes lining the hallway. The banister was broken but nothing else seemed to be. Magnus found his way to the kitchen where chairs were thrown about the room but, other than that, it was pretty intact.

There wasn’t a lot of loot to be found, but anything he could grab was a bonus. There were still packets and cans inside the cupboards, but there was some rotten fruit in a basket which was not at all pleasant. It emitted something repugnant, so Magnus covered his nose as he gathered what he could. Whilst he had grown immune to most smells, some things still made him nauseous and that was not to be helped.

He continued to walk through the house, coming upon what seemed to be a front room once upon a time. The fabric of the settees were fraying and one of them had a hole through the back. A coffee table was smashed in half and the window that allowed a view to the outside world had a large crack running through it, but it was clean. The whites of the room were hinting towards a yellow, but that was it. Completely sanitary in comparison to the rooms Magnus had come across in the past year.

Upstairs, all the doors were shut, so Magnus opened them cautiously as he went through. The farthest door was a master bedroom and he found a water bottle inside. The second was another bedroom in which he found nothing of use. The bathroom gave Magnus toilet rolls galore which he thanked Raziel for because going to the toilet outside was only made worse by the fact they had nothing to clean themselves with after, and he also found some soaps and shampoos, which were a godsend.

The last door, however, was tightly shut. He pried it open, pushing with all his might for he felt he might find something interesting behind the toughest door. It was stiff, so Magnus kept pushing and pushing. Eventually, it opened, but not for long before it was shoved back into him. A moan erupted from the other side as Magnus fell back. Pain shot through his left elbow, piercing its way up his arm.

He did not risk opening the door again, so he got up and left.

After he waited a few minutes outside, the others came to join him. Their scavenging was about as successful as Magnus’, but it was something. Having nothing was a thousand times worse than having a little. They nodded at each other and went back to the house that Alec and Clary were in.

As Magnus went through the door, he held his elbow, wincing as he placed his bag of supplies onto the sofa where they all placed them. Alec came rushing over when he saw him.

“Did you get bit?” He asked.

“No, no,” Magnus reassured, pressing a welcome kiss to Alec’s cheek. “I fell back when I tried to open a door because a biter pushed into it. It hurts like hell, but I’m all right.”

“Is it broken?” Isabelle asked since Magnus hadn’t made a fuss before.

“No, I can move it and hold things, so it’s not broken.”

Isabelle moved towards him, studying his elbow and asking where it hurt and how far he could bend it. “It looks like a sprain, you idiot,” She said.

“Your bedside manner is impeccable,” Magnus said before he winced as Isabelle purposefully bent it too far.

“It’s just an idiotic thing to do. Was it hard to open?”

“Yeah…” Magnus said.

“And you didn’t think that, maybe, there was something behind it?” Isabelle asked as she removed a bandage from their ever-lessening supply.

“I thought that, maybe… you know, there might have been something… maybe there was something-,” Magnus stuttered.

“You were being thick,” Isabelle said.

“Thanks,” Magnus said and Isabelle smiled as she wrapped the bandage around Magnus’ arm.

She took her time, being as tender as she could. When she was done, Magnus thanked her and they inventoried what they had found. It was mainly cans and a couple of water bottles but it would keep them going for a little while, that was the main thing.

“We found some mints, if anyone wants them,” Clary said. “I mean, we could all probably use them.”

They all stank, there was no doubting that. Showers came rare and fleeting, the water non-existent in buildings anymore and the lakes they passed seemed too dangerous to stay in for a long while, so they had to embrace their stench. After the first few months, they had grown used to it. It was kind of like living in a place and forgetting what that smells like until you’ve been gone for a while; these guys had lived with their smell and they had grown accustom to it.

Some of them, however, had not grown used to the facial hair and other hair aspects. They could cut their hair with knives, but other than that things were not so hairless. Eyebrows had long gone rogue and if Magnus had once gotten his chest hair waxed, he definitely could do that no longer, and it showed. Thankfully, his Asian decent was one of that which meant his facial hair was next to non-existent. He had the moustached set on his lips that he did not favour and there were patches of wispy hair on his jaw, but other than that, it didn’t exist. Before, he liked to keep it at a subtle level but he could do that no longer.

For Simon, Jace, and Alec, it was a different story. Simon didn’t really grow facial hair, his body just not really allowing it, but he had more than Magnus and in thicker patches too. Jace’s luckily stopped growing after about half an inch. Then there was Alec. Most would think he wouldn’t grow much, but he did. It was a good couple of inches, thick and unforgiving, and it wasn’t stopping either. When he found the time, he trimmed it with a knife, but he didn’t do that often and so it just grew. He hated it.

Magnus, on the other hand, loved it. He was rugged and rough and it was extremely attractive. His beard was quite soft too, so it didn’t scratch his face when they kissed. Magnus would have been able to deal with his arousal more often if there were more condoms around for the health risks were not even fathomable now, but he couldn’t. So he just watched Alec and his gorgeous beard that Alec hated, and they got on with it.

“I’m just curious as to why this place hasn’t been looted,” Clary said, settling down and drinking a few sips of water.

“I found something, actually,” Simon said. “In the backyard of the place I searched, there was like, three hundreds walkers bodies, dead. Maybe a herd came through and pushed people out, and they didn’t come back after they killed them. I mean, the stench _is_ awful.”

“So, is this the place we’re setting up in?” Clary asked.

“I don’t think this is the kind of place we could defend. And, if what Simon said is correct,” Jace said. “Then it certainly doesn’t look like it’s safe and that also means that the people that lived here before might come back one day. And we don’t know what kind of people might want this place, you know, the kind of people that _could_ defend it.”

Magnus leaned back as Alec came to rest on his side, Magnus hooking his unharmed arm around him and resting his hand on his stomach. Magnus agreed with Jace in his head but he didn’t say anything. Instead, he found himself focusing on his hand on Alec’s stomach, rising and falling as he breathed. He knew he should be thinking about the conversation at hand, but he just couldn’t. Rarely did Magnus get to feel serene with Alec, and he had no choice but to relish in the moment and absorb the peace that came over them.

Their breathing synchronised and Alec’s hand soon stretched up to link with Magnus’ as his other rested gently on Magnus’ thigh. The rest of the conversation faded out, Magnus basking in their serenity and desperately not wanting to talk more about what their next step was going to be.

The sun eventually sank and darkness enveloped the room. Even though they had safe walls and a locking door, they still decided they needed people to watch over during the night, and Jace and Clary took it up. Those two took refuge in the living room and the other two couples took the rooms upstairs.

Taking Magnus’ right hand, Alec sleepily traced the stairs to their allocated room. Inside, it was dark and Magnus had to be led by Alec for the younger’s eyesight was better. The window was covered with a thick, dark sheet that was made heavier with dust and age.

Neither of them bothered to remove it. Alec led Magnus to the double bed and the two lay down, Magnus first before Alec practically collapsed next to him. There was some shuffling as they adjusted their position, Alec resting his cheek across Magnus’ chest and his injured arm resting comfortably on Alec’s back.

Again, Magnus felt a sense of tranquillity, his breathing deep and calm. He could feel Alec close to sleep as well so, subconsciously, Magnus began rubbing his fingers in small circles across Alec’s back. Alec let out a deep breath against Magnus’ chest as he relaxed.

“I’m tired,” Alec breathed out.

“Go to sleep then,” Magnus said, confused as to why Alec was stating the obvious.

“Not like that,” Alec said. “Tired of this.”

Magnus waited for him to go on.

“We’re barely even living right now. There doesn’t ever seem to be anything good to look forward to.”

“Our choices are limited, darling,” Magnus attempted as a comfort but it was difficult because Magnus was feeling the same. “We can get through it, we just need to, you know…” Magnus trailed off.

“If you say ‘stay strong’, I’m going to hit you,” Alec said and Magnus smiled. There was a short pause before Alec spoke again. “I’m not saying we do it, but you know a lot of people have… opted out-,”

“Alec,” Magnus stopped him from continuing. “Please don’t talk like that.”

“I’m not saying we should. I’m just saying.” Alec had tensed but Magnus did not stop his hand massaging Alec’s back. “Haven’t you ever even considered it?”

The truth was, Magnus had. Everyone had. The life they lived was not an ideal one and opting out seemed like the best option at times. But when you had the people you loved to fight and live for, that option was taken out of consideration. Killing yourself now, however far into the apocalypse one may be, as long as you were with your loved ones, it wasn’t really something people did.

“It doesn’t matter about what I have or haven’t done, it’s something I don’t want you to consider,” Magnus answered tightening his grip on Alec.

“I’m not considering it, Magnus, honestly. I’m not suicidal. But what do you think about those who _have_ done it? Is it an easy option out for them or was it the right thing to do? I’m just so tired and I wonder if that’s what they felt like when they did it.”

“I don’t know if it was the right thing to do nor if it was the easy way out either. Suicide is not easy and for some, it _is_ the only option. It isn’t for _you._ You know that, right?”

“I’m not going to kill myself, you don’t need to worry about that.”

“Okay.” Magnus took a deep breath and released it slowly. “So, why are we talking about it?”

“It’s just a conversation,” Alec said as if it were completely normal. Honestly, it might be normal in the age they lived in. And yet, Magnus wasn’t comfortable with it.

“There’s enough death surrounding us already, Alexander,” Magnus said, hoping for the conversation to end as soon as possible. “Let’s not add our names to that ever growing list of the dead.”

Magnus felt Alec shrug against his body, and then he relaxed again.

“Goodnight, my love,” Magnus said, pressing his lips to Alec’s hair.

“Goodnight.”

Eventually, they slipped into unconsciousness. Dreams throughout the house were filled with running and escaping and screaming and crying because, even in their sleep, they could not escape what their lives had become. Routine now was a dream of horror and death, wake up and hope it had all just been a bad dream, realise it hadn’t, and continue to live the nightmare that would never end. Everyone, despite how horrific it seemed, was beginning to grow accustom to the life of the dead walking around.

When Magnus awoke from his nightmare of Alec slipping through his fingers into an abyss of darkness, he found he was alone. Panic struck him before he walked to the ‘living’ room and found the others eating out of packets of something, jerky perhaps.

They greeted Magnus with an almost unison ‘good morning’ as he sat himself next to his boyfriend. Alec offered him the last few pieces of jerky and Magnus took them, eating them as his jaw grew tired almost instantly. The problem with only being able to eat foods that had long sell-by dates was that you grew very tired of it, very quickly.

Jace cleared his throat before he spoke, “So, we scavenge some more today, and then we come up with a plan of action. We can stay here for a little while, but not forever.”

“Okay, do we have a map?” Simon asked.

“Surprisingly, we don’t,” Isabelle said. “We could be in France for all we know.”

“Sometimes I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.” Simon said, his voice confused.

The thing is, she wasn’t joking. Well, they weren’t in _France_ , that was for sure, but they didn’t know where they were. After they had gotten away from the hell that was New York, they had headed south for a long time but their camps hadn’t fallen in straight line down, so they didn’t know which direction they had gone in for months now. And, as people went crazy when the whole apocalypse thing began, stealing signposts and street names and ‘Welcome to the State Of …’ signs was what they did. It was random but people did what they could to deal with the trauma of their loved ones wanting to eat them alive.

The discussion was based on not knowing where they were and, therefore, not knowing where to go next. Going toward the coast was suggested again but there wasn’t enough confidence in that for it to be their plan. Keeping to travelling as far as they could seemed to be their only real option but with no end goal, it didn’t appear hopeful or preferable. Instead, people started listing the safest places to go; lighthouse, military base, high rise flats, bunkers, and the like. A map would have been helpful, very helpful indeed.

“Shall we take a vote?” Magnus suggested as they were getting nowhere. “First, the coast, getting boat, any takers?”

No one, not even Isabelle, raised their hand.

“Right, how about a bunker?”

Simon and Clary raised their hand.

Magnus thought _too much reading of those bloody comic books,_ but said nothing. “Okay, a block of flats of some kind? Preferably ones that other people aren’t looking for too.”

Jace raised his hand.

“Right, finding an unused town or one we can join that is already going?”

Alec and Magnus raised their hands.

“Isabelle, what are you voting for?”

“Lighthouse,” She answered.

“Right, well we need to vote again. It’s either a bunker or a town. Jace and Isabelle, make a choice.” Even Magnus’ _voice_ was tired.

“Town,” Jace said.

“Town,” Isabelle repeated.

“Okay, then that’s what we do. And if that doesn’t work, I’m sure we can have another conversation just like this. Let’s remain optimistic,” Magnus said, hoping they could move onto other things.

“What if we find, say a lighthouse before a town?” Jace asked.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” Magnus answered, and then their day began.

As Magnus had injured himself, he was left to inventory what they already had whilst everyone else went scavenging through the houses along the estate. It was very exciting. Currently, they had two can of gasoline, four filled first aid kits, six bandages, a box of Band-Aids, twelve cans of peaches, four cans of pears, five cans of mangoes, eight tins of beans, an eight pack of tuna, three packets of peanuts, a roll of duct tape, ammo for their guns, a machete, six bottles of full water, three noodle cups, twenty-four packs of assorted jerky, a large assortment of wrapped candies, a Swiss army knife, a half full box of matches, a lighter, three boxes of pain relief pills, a pair of walkie-talkies, four bottles of water purification tablets, two bottles of shampoo, a bar of soap, two bottles of body wash, a bottle of washing up liquid, twelve batteries of varying size and life, two flashlights, and a flare. It sounded like a lot but they had a hell of a lot more when they started out.

They needed more gas and more water, as well as things to purify water. Their weaponry was on the low side too, guns and knives needing to be used sparingly for fear that they would lose them completely. They were hard to come by, especially so deep into the apocalypse when every shop was raided beyond repair.

When the others returned, their hoards were small. A lot of the houses contained the undead locked inside, so they couldn’t get into all of them but they did get some things, which was better than nothing as always. They found some more cans, some spam, tuna, crisps and the like. Spaghetti too, as well as a couple of knives, batteries, and soup. They found some gas canisters that had a bit of fuel in, and Alec found oil for cooking, which was a blessing. It wasn’t their best hoard but it would do.

After they packed everything away, finding a couple of backpacks in their houses, everyone seemed keen to move on. They could stay for another night but there was no point in waiting if they were just going to leave in a couple of days. So, they piled back into the pickup truck after filling it with gas, and then they got moving, Simon driving this time.

In the morning, the clouds had covered the sky, making things dark but, soon enough, they had evaporated with the sun creeping up on them. Sweat dripped down their foreheads and their clothes stuck to their bodies, clinging to them uncomfortably. The sun was relentless, the zombies seeming to bring on global warming or something for Magnus had never known a summer so hot. He couldn’t help but feel that it all connected to the end of the world, eradicating life in every way it could.

Looking up to the sky, Magnus caught sight of crows above, circling. It made Magnus feel both joy and sorrow; joy because when he looked up the world didn’t seem so bad, clouds still formed and it was still blue and he could pretend nothing had happened. Then sorrow because he couldn’t be free like them and he couldn’t soar away from his problems, and because he would always have to look back to reality in the end. Nobody wanted to look back from freedom to see what the world had become because it was such a sorry sight.

When nightfall came, no one wanted to stop for they were in the middle of a long stretch of asphalt and it wasn’t safe. They switched drivers, Alec going in and Isabelle sitting next to him. Magnus attempted to sleep, but his elbow was throbbing and none of the positions he could get in were all that comfortable. So, instead, he retired to watching the stars as the others napped somewhat peacefully.

A few rotters attempted to follow the truck but they were not fast enough. They could only follow the sound as Alec drove with the lights off. It was probably quite dangerous but there were safer aspects too. No lights meant the alive couldn’t seem them coming as well as the walkers not being able to follow the sight of their truck approaching and passing. However, it meant Alec had to drive slower. The pros and cons were difficult to match up.

Magnus attempted to make himself sleep, but he was pushing it too hard and it just wasn’t happening. His mind was buzzing, thoughts about the future and crashing hopes consuming what could have been peaceful. He wondered if the others were being naïve with their hope. Maybe Magnus wasn’t that much older than them, but he had seen so much more before the apocalypse. He had worked with people who had lost their way, been across the world, loved and lost, already been to places without hope, and despite the fact they were gaining on Magnus’ experiences, they wouldn’t ever catch up. Magnus would have to keep up with their optimism, but Magnus knew what happened when hope was gone, and it might arrive sooner than they expected. Picking up the pieces would be Magnus’ job no matter what came next and that was difficult enough, even worse when he himself was shattering without hope of being put back together.

Before he could stop it, Magnus was in a nightmare, the same one he had been living every night. He was chasing Alec who was running faster than was humanly possible. Passing shadows and bodies, some he recognised, some he didn’t, Magnus kept running though Alec forever got further and further ahead. Then Alec disappeared beyond the horizon and Magnus was still running, trying to reach him. He ran until the land beneath him dropped away and there Alec was, gripping onto the edge. Magnus reached and their hands clasped, Alec’s lips mouthing words Magnus couldn’t hear, and then he was slipping away. Magnus gripped harder, so hard it hurt but Alec fell into the abyss below and Magnus was left screaming.

Magnus awoke with a start. It was early morning, the sun breaking the horizon line as they continued to drive. Isabelle drove, her husband giving her directions with the others sat in the back. The three of them were engrossed in conversation and Magnus took this time to look down at his palm that was throbbing. He had pierced the skin in his slumber, blood seeping from the crescent cuts. Even though he swore quietly, Alec still heard and looked towards him.

“I’ve cut my hand,” Magnus clarified.

“With what?” Alec asked, beginning to search through their supplies for a Band-Aid.

Magnus sighed. “My nails. It’s not worth a Band-Aid, darling.”

“Idiot,” Alec said as he shuffled closer to Magnus to inspect his hand. “Did you not think to stop pressing when it started hurting?”

“I was dreaming.”

“About what?”

“Grabbing the last can of Coke.” Magnus smiled.

“Angel above, what I would give for a soft drink,” Jace said. “I’d give my left leg for a sip of Fanta.”

Magnus smiled at him. Then he asked through the window to Isabelle and her helper, “How’s it going? Find anywhere?”

They shook their heads as Isabelle answered, “There was a smallish town a few miles back and we stopped to have a look, but about a hundred biters came out. So nothing yet.”

There it was, their optimism’s downfall. Each time there was a glimmer of something good, the shit kicked in. It always happened, it would swipe the rug from underneath their feet and, somehow, it was still so unexpected. Even after it happened so often, it still shocked them.

“We’re going to come across a border soon. There’s a sign just there, but it’s blacked out and broken,” Simon said.

Everyone watched as the sign passed them, border control there but no control existing anymore. Magnus could make out an ‘a’ on the ‘Welcome’ sign, but that was it. They could have been in Indiana, West Virginia, Virginia, or even Georgia considering how long they had been moving for after New York, none of them knew. So, on they drove.

A tin of pears and a drive switch later, nothing else had appeared. Clary was driving on the reckless side because there were so many walkers on the road, all of them appearing out of the blue as they always seemed to. They were spread about but avoiding them was still difficult. The four in the back gripped onto the sides for dear life as they swerved around on the road.

Magnus could barely see what was going on through Clary and Simon’s heads but, as he could feel her speed increasing, he knew it wasn’t good news. The overall sound of groans grew, implying that more undead were coming their way. More turns and swerves were throwing them about in the back and they held onto their supplies to ensure that they didn’t fly off but it was getting risky.

A sudden swerve and a practically thunderous pop burst through the sky, sending them spinning. They went round and round a few times, Clary trying to stop it as the wheels screeched and smoke rose. Thumps were sounding out too, notifying everyone to how many walkers they were smacking into as they came to a sudden halt.

Once they stopped, the six of them leapt into action. Magnus grabbed a shotgun and began shooting those he could. Clary and Simon shot from their open windows, Alec grabbed the machete and began hacking into the closer ones whilst Jace and Isabelle took hold of knives and stabbed the skulls of as many as they could too.

Magnus’ aim was a little off as he wasn’t using his dominant hand to shoot. A few took two or even three shots to get the headshot necessary. The sounds of gunshots echoed through the sky and that would only attract more walkers but they didn’t have a lot of choice. The miniature herd that had surrounded them was slowly thinning, but easing up wasn’t option. They killed them all or they didn’t get out of there alive.

There was walker directly in Magnus’ path. For the most part, its jaw didn’t exist. There were the upper teeth but that was it. The skin on its face was ripped to shreds and one of its eyes looked like it was about to fall out of the socket. Their skin was a greenish-brown, showing that it had been a rotter for a while. Magnus was always surprised by how empty and soulless their eyes looked, even a year into the world ending. He didn’t believe in souls but looking at the emptiness in the walkers’ eyes, he couldn’t help but notice the life in those alive. It made him sad but he couldn’t wallow. Wallowing would result in bad judgement and nobody had time for that.

The bullet went in just above its left eye and it fell to the floor with a thud. Simon shot one more and Isabelle sliced into the heads of another two before they were all done. The corpses piled around for a good few metres, so everyone had to get out to clear a path for the car to carry on.

“That popping sound,” Jace called from the front of the car after he had gotten out and ran around to check. “It was a tyre. We’re gonna need a new one because I don’t think duct tape is going to cover it.”

“I don’t see any cars round here. How are we going to get a new one?” Alec called as he picked up a corpse and threw it out of the way.

Magnus joined Jace around the front and examined the wheel as well. It was more of a rip than a puncture, probably opened more as they spun. He cursed in his head. “We can’t stay around for too long, those shots could be heard for miles. Who knows what’s coming this way.”

They went back to walking, which was no easy task because of the weight of their packs. They had grown much fitter over their time but the weight of their bags never helped. It was a slow pace, but they covered ground and that was important. Magnus had found that focusing on the positives helped with keeping him sane. Seeing the silver lining was a key aspect for living.

Sweat dripped down their foreheads and the back of their necks as they plodded along, constantly on the lookout for another car or vehicle to steal. As nothing arrived, their hearts sank further and further with every step.

A good hour or so later, the sound of approaching vehicles hit them. They all looked at each other, anxious about what to do. There was nothing either side of the road, so they couldn’t run for the hills or hide amongst trees. Magnus, apparently the leader of the situation at that current moment, shrugged and led them all to the side of the road to wait and see.

Three cars and a van appeared on the horizon. Magnus tensed because you could never tell who was good and who was bad nowadays. You just had to hope and, like Magnus knew, you could never rely on that. As the cars pulled up beside them, Magnus eyed up the people who got out.

The driver of the van was a dark skinned man who was taller even than Magnus. He had deep brown eyes that were calculating and full of anger. Then there was another man, slightly smaller but with a bigger build and grey hair. Two people came out of the next car, a boy with brown skin and brown hair who looked younger than the others and covered in tattoos, and a girl. She was also tall and rather muscled with silver dyed hair. In the final car was a buxom, blonde woman who carried a very large gun. She was the only person that actually carried her gun as if she were ready to shoot, the other four carrying their weapons loosely.

Magnus wasn’t sure if they were harmful, but you could never trust anyone. You had to be wary around everyone to ensure your safety.

“Were you the ones shooting?” The tallest one, the van driver, asked. His voice was thick and his tone gave the impression he wasn’t all that impressed by them.

Magnus nodded. “Yes. We were driving and were attacked by a small herd of walkers.”

“Where’s your car then?” The lady with the gun pointed right at Magnus’ face asked.

“Popped the tyre, couldn’t drive it anymore,” He replied, she didn’t look satisfied by his answer.

“Where are you heading?” The grey haired man inquired.

Magnus looked at the others but they looked at him to answer. “Anywhere that will take us.”

“You’re looking for a town then,” Grey-Hair said.

“I guess so. Just somewhere to stay really, long or short term. We haven’t figured it all out just yet.”

“You haven’t figured it out?” Gun-Lady scoffed. “You don’t know what you’re doing a year after the dead come back? How fucking smart.”

“We’re still alive,” Jace piped up.

She directed her gaze to him and Jace didn’t back down. There was an obvious tension rising.

“Probably just got lucky.” She kissed her teeth and Jace’s hand went for his knife.

“Why don’t we calm it down?” Grey-Hair said more than asked. “We don’t want to kill you and I don’t think you want to kill us either.”

“Could you tell her to put the gun down then?” Isabelle said.

“Amabel, please lower the weapon.” She did as she was told and the tension lessened a little. Grey-Hair continued, “My name is Alaric, this is Amabel, Gretel, Jordan, and Bat. You are?”

“I’m Magnus. Isabelle, Jace, Simon, Clary, and Alec,” Magnus said, his tension not lessening. _Don’t let hope in,_ he thought to himself. “Have you got a town?”

“That depends. Are you going to steal from us?” Bat asked.

“Look at us,” Jace said, motioning with his arms that were carrying three bags. “We’re literally carrying everything we have. Why would we steal from you when you clearly have the upper hand?”

“Good point,” Alaric said with a gentle smile. “We don’t just invite strangers back to our space, but I guess we could make an exception.”

“How kind,” Jace said.

“Jace, not right now,” Magnus said, glaring at him. “Could we come back, even if it was just for tonight?”

“I don’t see why not.” He smiled again. “But I will warn you, the second anything goes wrong between us, we won’t hesitate to kill you.”

They split themselves up into threes, Magnus, Isabelle, and Simon went in the car with Amabel, much to her clear dismay, and the others went with Alaric. They packed their stuff rather reluctantly into Bat’s van where other supplies and heavy artillery already lay. Once they were all settled, they drove back to a town literally less than a day after they had decided to find a town to live in.

Maybe things were beginning to look up after all.


	2. Something to Hope For

> “They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.”     
>  ― Tom Bodett

_Alec_

A twenty minute drive followed. It was tense but not because of Alaric, more because Alec didn’t know what was coming. They didn’t know these people or what they had to offer. For all Alec knew, they could be bringing the six of them back to some torture chamber. It didn’t make all that much sense for them to accompany strangers to a place they had never been to before.

But being scared that they would find nothing made them make such a decision. If they never came across a town or people, then they would forever regret their decision, so they followed Alaric and the others because they didn’t have much choice. Choice was not a thing they had a lot of anymore.

They arrived at a large wooden gate where two people stood at the top. The gate opened slowly, being pulled open by another two people and they drove in. On the inside, a long road wound down and turned a right where the view cut off. The fence obviously looped around the whole town, keeping it safe from the outside world. Two rows of houses followed the road round, all of varying size but each of them was clean and well kept.

They all got out when they pulled up outside a large house and they were all greeted by a lot of looks from the many civilians that were walking around without a care in the world. They were met by a girl with dark skin. She had a long scar across her neck and, although she came along with a smile, Alec could tell she was being cautious.

“Are you the shooters that scared our town?” She smiled widely.

Magnus answered, “Yeah, we were attacked by a herd.”

“That doesn’t happen all that often around here.” She looked at Alaric. “Everything okay?”

He nodded. “These guys are going to stay the night, test it out. They’re okay.”

“Right. I’m Maia, I run the place. Would you like a tour?”

“Our stuff is in the van,” Magnus said.

“I’ll get Alaric to put it into one of the spare houses. Go to one hundred and three, Alaric.” Alaric nodded and got back into the van, driving off around the corner without another word.

“So, you’re just going to give us a tour?” Magnus asked. “You’re welcoming us in with open arms?”

Maia began walking, the others, shrugging, followed her. “We haven’t had any newcomers in a couple of months, maybe we’ve become a little lax.” She threw a smile back at them. “If Alaric doesn’t get a bad vibe from you, then I think we’re okay. We’re good at protecting ourselves, so I recommend you don’t try anything stupid.”

“How long as this place been going for?” Alec asked as he took Magnus’ uninjured hand and walked along with him.

They had got the place early on and, at that point, it had only been Maia, Bat, Alaric, Jordan, and some guy called Woolsey with his family too. After patching up the broken fence and clearing out the dead, they started repairing the buildings, hoping they had found a place worth surviving in. Maia didn’t know for sure, but she believed that the people who had lived in this estate previously had been evacuated when it all began because it was clearly a place of opulence. It was quiet, Maia explained, and she liked that.

As time went on, they found others, some they trusted enough to bring back and some they did not. So far, their judgement had yet to be wrong and that deemed in favour of the entire place feeling safe. Safe enough to keep going for as long as it had.

Whilst they walked around, Maia slipped in information about her town. Most of the buildings were houses as it was a housing estate, but they had converted some of them into other things. Their ‘watch towers’ were also armouries, they had a town hall, a shop where goods were exchanged for other goods or services, and even a police station. It wasn’t really a ‘station’ as such, it merely sorted out any issues, but that’s what they called it. It seemed like a proper town and it felt so _normal_ it was _ab_ normal.

People watched them as they went by, some were curious, others looked agitated. Alec didn’t quite know what to think. After being in survival mode for a year, seeing people walk around casually in clothes that were not ripped was a culture shock. Safety was evident, but there was a vibe of negativity coming from some of the civilians. It was acceptable really, it was the apocalypse after all.

After they reached house one-hundred-and-three, Maia stopped.

“There’s four bedrooms in there, so take your pick. I have to ask, do you plan on staying?” She asked.

Alec looked to Magnus who shrugged.

“We’ve talked about finding a town for a long time and you _are_ welcoming us in, I mean it seems sort of right really,” Magnus answered. “I think we need to discuss it though.”

She nodded. “Well, you rest the night, test it out, and get back to me as soon as you know.”

She walked off, letting them walk inside and explore. Once they went through the door, they searched everything. Their supplies were left in a pile in the corridor, so they weren’t thieves. The downstairs was pretty much one big room with only archways to notify people where there was a change of room. The furniture was mismatched and there was no decoration on the walls or any cabinets either, there was a bookshelf but that was it. In the kitchen, there was no cutlery and no plates or pans or anything of the sort. It was bare.

Upstairs, each room had a bed. That was it. There was another spare room but that had absolutely nothing in it whatsoever. There was nothing else in the house bar an attic that contained nothing and a single bathroom that, of course, had no running water. A garden of a decent size lay behind the house but, as was a common theme, there was nothing in it.

After scouting out the house, the six of them sat on the mismatched furniture in the living room.

“It seems nice here,” Clary said since no one else was saying a thing. “Is it the place we’ve been looking for?”

“There’s some people here who don’t give me the best feeling,” Simon offered.

“Amabel being one of them,” Jace commented.

“But it isn’t just about the people,” Alec said. “Because there’s plenty of people that are great, I’m sure. It’s also about this place, right? There’s like two hundred houses here and it’s about half full, does that bode well or not?”

“It doesn’t feel crowded, which is good,” Magnus said.

“Could it be our home?” Izzy asked.

There was silence. A lot of questions but not many answers. Alec got a good feeling about the place, but everywhere they had been before had felt good and they hadn’t lasted. It was so difficult to decide on what to do and how to live because it would always be a matter of life and death and there was no way around it. Always, there were positives and negatives, and it was just deciding which side weighed heavier. That was no easy task.

“Maia did say they had a meal today as one big community. We could just join that and see if it’s where we’re meant to be,” Magnus suggested and he met no disagreement.

“They have working clocks,” Clary said, disbelief in her voice.

“Is it really four o’clock?” Simon asked.

“Oh, Simon,” Jace began. “The concept of time is a hard one to grasp. Let me explain it to you-,”

He was cut off by Clary slapping his arm. Then they all sat there, chatting. It really felt as though they had all come over to one of their houses for some sort of meal or a catch up, and it was discomforting. It was almost wrong. They hadn’t even been there for a whole day and yet a sense of normality had hit them the second they had walked in and they couldn’t shake it. Not that they entirely wanted to, however. But adjusting to a different way of life so suddenly wasn’t something anyone should do.

Alec had hoped, since the beginning of it all, that everything would go back to normal. He thought that, if they could find a place or if the CDC could find a cure, everything could go back to the way it was, but how could it really? They had seen so much death, experienced their loved ones at the end of their tethers, and seen the world in complete devastation. After a person saw all that, could life ever assume normality again?

Having hopes and dreams when the undead were walking around was risky and it should always be avoided. Alec detested getting his hopes up, so he wouldn’t start because there was a chance for prosperity. He had to keep his family safe for they were all that mattered. If there was ever an inkling of danger about a place, Alec would get them out of there. The same rules applied for this place.

At six o’clock, the six of them made their way to the communal dining centre. Along the way they got a few smiles and a few glares, some people said hello, and some people ignored them completely. That wasn’t a surprise, people were wary of people and that’s the way life was. 

Along the way, Alec saw that everyone was really rather chilled. Some of them clearly eyed up the newcomers but other than that, they were incredibly relaxed. It was so peculiar to see everyone just going about their day without a worry. Alec watched the trees sway and felt an odd sense of serenity. He hadn’t felt it in months, so he revelled in it but he was also cautious. It was never smart to get attached to things.

Inside the dining centre, people were already there or stood ready for the half six start of food being given out. There was enough space for everyone to sit as the ‘centre’ was two conjoined houses with the walls completely knocked through, rendering it as one big room. There was one set of stairs but Alec couldn’t tell what was up them.

When they entered, people looked towards them, Amabel, giving them a look of disdain. Maia shined a smile and parted from her conversation with Bat and Jordan, which they didn’t look too happy about. She greeted them with a cheery smile and, upon being asked how they had food to provide for all these people, she answered that they grew a lot of their own produce and had their own animals, so they had a constant source.

After that, Maia then took Magnus away to someone called Conrad to check over his arm just in case it was anything serious and, when they found that it wasn’t, they were shown to their seats. Maia said she would sit them next to her to ensure that they weren’t lost throughout the meal.

A strange wave of surrealism came over Alec again as all the other civilians entered and took their places. The food was soon brought out and people began eating and the room was suddenly filled with hubbub and chatter. It was one of the most sufficient meals Alec had had in months and Alec savoured every bite, still feeling perplexed. It almost felt like a meal out on a Saturday night, and Alec’s bearings were slipping.

Having the others by his side was helping him. They were keeping him grounded, but it was still the most surreal thing. These people weren’t eating quickly so they could move on and be somewhere safer, they were eating casually, drinking wine in some parts. This was normal for them though it was a way of life Alec barely recognised.

Maia stood after the people had eaten. She cleared her throat loudly and everyone hushed as they turned to listen.

“Good evening, everybody. There’s a few announcements from yesterday's meeting. Firstly, we are still working on the water systems and, hopefully, we should have them done by next week.”

Alec didn’t understand what she had said at first and then, when he did, he was in disbelief. The mere of idea of working water was not something he even considered any longer. It shocked Alec to say the least but he continued to listen, just in case she said something else that was insane but good for them too.

“The solar panels are being installed tomorrow but they won’t be working for another few days. Also, we’re running short on chocolate because people haven’t had access to the kitchens here. I know it’s been a little harder than usual, so whilst we see if we can get everything working again, ease up on the chocolate eating and we’ll see what we can do.

Next, we’re expanding our scavenging area by a few miles to ensure we’re getting all we can. We’ll be recruiting a few more of you and getting you all properly trained with guns and weaponry, so no escaping it this time I’m afraid.” She paused. “And finally, we have six newcomers who have joined us today. The gunshots this afternoon were them fighting the dead, so they’ve been through a lot today. Please, make them feel welcome, they’re deciding if they want to stay or not and it would certainly be nice to have some new faces around. Thank you all for listening and enjoy the rest of your meal. Cheers.” She raised her glass and everyone did the same before they drank.

It amazed Alec, the meetings, the normality, the fact they made announcements. This life of expecting electricity and water and being able to cook and bake, it was no longer the life he or any of them were accustom to. Perhaps it would make a nice change, maybe everything could be normal again. Or per chance, it would be too much, he just didn’t know.

Once dinner was done, some people began to leave, others stayed to mingle. The first to approach the six of them was a man with long blonde hair and piercing green eyes. He was very tall and slender, and Alec thought he was quite attractive. Magnus too perked up so Alec kept a weather eye on his boyfriend.

“Hello there.” The blonde’s voice was slow, as if he thought about every word in detail before he spoke. Alec took Magnus’ hand. “My name’s Woolsey, I’m the head of all the Runners or Scavengers or whatever you call them.” He smiled and everyone found themselves smiling back. “How are we all doing this fine evening?”

“A little overwhelmed, to say the least,” Magnus answered.

“Understandable,” Woolsey said, smiling still.

Before anyone could say anything back, Woolsey was called away and another couple of people approached. Husband and wife, Gregory and Consuela Jensen were very friendly and they asked a lot of questions and were, overall, genuine people. They even invited another friend, Leila, over too. She was nice, confident, and funny. They were a big part of why they thought this place could be their home.

However, there were a few issues, the largest being a man who stood in the shadows of the hall, watching them. Alec couldn’t make out much of his face, but he certainly looked stern and well built. He wouldn’t stop staring and Alec could feel his shoulders tensing.

Alec beckoned Maia over after he managed to catch her eye.

“Who’s the guy staring at us over there?” He asked.

After a quick, nonchalant scan, she said, “Rufus Hastings. He hates Bat and I. He wants to be in charge but, you see, everyone kind of hates him. He hates the way I run things.”

“Why is he here then?”

“You know what they say, ‘better the devil you know.’ Exile him and he’d come back and shoot us all,” Maia explained. “I wouldn’t worry, he won’t bite unless provoked.”

Alec kept his eye on him for he didn’t move for the rest of the night. When they met Praetor Scott, both the priest and one of the leaders of protection, Rufus continued to stare. Even when they met Woolsey’s older brother, somehow related to the Praetor as well, Rufus was unmoving. And when they met Véronique, a woman with a heavy French accent, Rufus did not sway even an inch.

When they left, Alec kept watching Rufus and he could feel the stare being returned. It was unsettling and Alec was still focused on him as they walked back to their house. Magnus could tell something was going on.

The two of them took the master suite and settled into bed instantly, a change of clothes being non-existent. Magnus’ elbow was still hurting, so Alec had to lie carefully to not pain him.

“What’s the matter with the place then?” Magnus asked, running his hand through Alec’ hair.

“It seems great,” Alec started. “But there are some people here, they just give me a bad feeling.”

“Who?”

“Amabel, for starters. And then there’s this Rufus guy.”

“Who’s Rufus?”

“Did you see the one standing at the back of the hall?”

“The one staring at us?”

“Yeah. Him.”

“I mean, that is a downside but it’s not all bad. I think we could make a home here, Alexander.”

“I _do_ like this place.” And he did. Everyone, excluding the few, appeared to be friendly and they had a system that worked better than any they had been a part of before. People seemed happy and it was certainly well protected, safety wasn’t an issue. It was something to hope for, something for them to achieve. If they could feel safe too, then maybe they could finally live happily again.

In all honesty, Alec would want to stay, he would want to live in a place where he could have a bed and a house. It was just whether the others wanted the same. If they didn’t like it, he would move on without another thought. Sometimes people’s judgement was clouded, so if Izzy or Clary or any of them for even a second believed the place was dangerous, he would go without another word about it. But if they liked it, perhaps they could all make a new life here.

Without him knowing, Alec slipped away into a world of unconsciousness where he didn’t dream. He never did anymore. His mind drifted into darkness and black depths where nothing was light and nothing was good. Maybe that was simply his dream, but it was more likely his mind giving up as the world had long forgotten the light.

Once again, Alec woke before Magnus. He seemed to sleep like the dead recently, which was awfully fitting and also not fitting considering the dead no longer rested. For a while, he stayed there, listening to Magnus’ breathing and tracing patterns on his bare, olive skin so lightly it wouldn’t make him stir. He was peaceful, which came in moments few and far between.

He looked up to his face, beautiful and calm and hairier than he would have ever liked but Alec didn’t mind, not with his own face being the bearded mess that it was. Magnus was so handsome. Alec regularly didn’t understand why Magnus was with him, he sometimes believed that Magnus had settled, but he rarely brought that up. Every day he blessed his lucky stars for his boyfriend who did actually love Alec very much. In times where you didn’t know which days were going to be your last, you treasured the people you could, and Alec did so every day.

“Can I come in?” A voice, Jace’s, asked from outside the door.

Alec untangled himself from Magnus and padded over to the door to open it. On the other side, Jace smiled in greeting.

“Good morning sunshine, sleep well?” Jace asked.

“Mhm. What’s up?”

“Maia’s downstairs,” Jace said. “She wants to see us all.”

“Is everyone awake?”

Jace nodded. Alec said they would both be down in a minute before he went back to Magnus and gently roused him from his sleep, much to Magnus’ dismay. A moment of struggle occurred before Alec managed to get his boyfriend out of bed and they walked downstairs.

As Jace had said, Maia was there, standing in front of the others who were sat, waiting. The two latecomers sat as well after they greeted hello.

“Good morning all,” She said. “Sorry to you all first, you might not be used to early risings anymore but that’s a habit I could never break. Now, I don’t want to push you but I feel I must for I have a lot to do this week and we could use all the help we could get. Are you staying or not?” She didn’t sound pushy, but there was a clear urgency in her voice. You couldn’t be the leader of a town and be a pushover too.

Everyone looked to Magnus for an answer. Alec did too as he trusted Magnus’ judgement completely. Magnus shrugged.

“I think we will,” He answered, giving a gentle smile.

Maia looked pleased. “That’s great news, truly. Shall we jump straight into it? If you’re ready.”

“What do you mean?” Clary asked.

“Setting up your life here. Unpacking, working, and all that,” Maia explained.

“You have jobs?” Simon sounded astonished.

“Well…” Maia was hesitant. “We don’t really use the term ‘job’, but that is what they are. Basically, what you’re best at, you do here and you earn these chip, coin things, it’s a little like money I guess. These chips, they’re used to exchange goods. You ‘work’ to earn these chips and, therefore, ‘buy’ things later. Does that make sense?” She received some nods. “Good. What are your strengths then?”

Silence followed.

“It’s not the time to be modest,” She explained with an encouraging smile. “Who bandaged up your arm, Magnus?”

“That was Isabelle,” Magnus said.

“We can always use more people in our medical section,” Maia said. “How do you feel about that?”

Izzy didn’t look confident. “I always wanted a career in fashion, not medicine.”

“Izzy,” Alec began. “This isn’t like before, it isn’t a career choice.”

“Whilst he’s right,” Maia affirmed. “We do have a sewing section. Leila, the leader at the moment, she’s good but she’s not confident in it. We’ve been looking for someone more skilled since we set it up.”

And, with that, Izzy was set. She would be instantly promoted to Head Seamstress which, although grand, might upset some of the civilians. Maia explained that they didn’t know how to deal with strangers all that well, but she would ensure people saw the benefit. So, having someone more skilled as the Head of one of their sections was great, even if it was someone new.

Jace went to the Weaponry and Training area, and Clary went to the Nursery and Teaching part. There was some struggle with Simon but he was directed to Science and Research as it was obvious he knew a thing or two.

Alec thought he should go to Weaponry and Training with Jace but Maia thought he was somewhat suited to the Officer role and, despite his reluctance, he opted to try it. _I could keep an eye of Rufus,_ Alec thought since Rufus was the Second Officer in Command.

Magnus was difficult apparently; he was a good shot but not the best, so no Weaponry or Protections for him; he had the stamina for running, but being a Runner wasn’t his thing; he knew his clothing but loathed sewing; he could cook but not as well as they needed; he disliked dirt, hence no Farming; his medicine and science weren’t one hundred percent; kids were great but he didn’t like teaching; and manual labour wasn’t his favourite either and that meant there would be no Construction. There wasn’t a lot left.

“Right,” Maia began after discovering all of this. “There’s Stock left but you wouldn’t enjoy that either I presume.”

“I’m difficult but I’m worth it, I promise.” He grinned, Alec sighed.

“How about we drop everyone off at their new ‘jobs’, and then we see what we can do with you afterwards.” Everyone agreed. “Also, if you have any supplies that you’re willing to exchange for chips, we can do so on the way. Then you can purchase clothes, sheets, cutlery, and whatever else you wish.”

They swapped their excess good and received their chips instantly. They ‘purchased’ six plates, six forks, six knives, and six spoons, and then they got some new clothes. Supplies wise, they didn’t have a lot to give because, well, they wanted to eat and they didn’t want to give up their gas yet either. The remainder of their ‘money’ was little but Magnus kept hold of it, everyone believing that he was the most reliable out of them all.

On a matter of keys, she left the copies that were made on their dining room table except for one for safe keeping. They were fine with that, but still a little baffled. To have _keys_ to a _home_ was not something they thought would ever return to them, not with the walkers walking around, but they were here. It was a miracle.

One by one, Maia dropped them off at their new ‘work stations.’ First Clary went to the ‘School’, where she was greeted excitedly by seven children and four toddlers. There weren’t a lot because those over the age of fourteen began work and training, and so there were no teenagers to teach as the only fourteen year old was working and the next eldest was ten.

After that, Simon went into the ‘Laboratory’ where he was greeted by a man named Elliot. An unpleased Amabel met Jace and, despite his glowing smile, she only gave her prized glare. Izzy was next and Leila, the girl from last night, looked more than excited to see her. According to Maia, everyone in the sewing department had very basic knowledge of sewing, none of them had been professionals before the apocalypse. Therefore, Izzy with her fashion degree was a gift from the Angel. Leila even hugged her before they went inside.

Then there was Alec. Gretel waited for him outside, a stern look on her face. Magnus bid his boyfriend ‘good luck’ before they kissed and then Alec was left alone. Stern-looking Gretel brought him inside the house-converted-station, taking him by the arm and pulling him aside the second they got in.

“Right, we only have two officers and you’ll be the third. Rufus is pissed because he wants to be the Head Officer but that’s me,” She spoke quickly, in a hushed tone. “Now, he’s actually a terrible, terrible person but nobody wants him so we’re stuck with him. He’s an ass, so ignore him, okay?”

Alec nodded, a little freaked out.

“Your job, my job, our job, we sit and we wait. Once in every few days, we get someone or something and we sort it out. It’s really, very boring but we get our chips this way.” Gretel then guided Alec through the building and explained what went where.

The downstairs consisted of a hallway, a kitchen, and a living room that had two single chairs facing each other, a sofa, a desk, and a large bookcase. The upstairs had the bedrooms converted into offices and a bathroom, there was also a fixed staircase to the attic where all of the town’s old plans, letters, and information were, and any new paperwork they found or did too.

When they were done, Alec and Gretel sat in the front room, eating a late breakfast that consisted of canned pears. Rufus came in later, looking as though he despised Alec’s very existence. In the daylight, his deep brown eyes and black furrowed brow held more contempt than when they were shadowed. A steak of grey ran through his hair, not indicating to age but to stress instead. He, like everyone else apparently, was tall, not taller than Alec but almost so and that brought on a level of intimidation.

“Why’s he here?” His voice was thick and rough.

Gretel did not look up from her book. “He’s here to help.”

The room filled with tension and Alec even held his breath because he didn’t want to make a sound. Collapsing into a chair after staring intently at Alec, Rufus played with the loose fabric of his jumper idly. There was only silence in the room. Occasionally, Gretel turned a page, emphasising the silence that followed.

What could have been hours later, Gretel was called away by someone called Max Lincoln who was having problems with someone, leaving Rufus and Alec alone. Again, there was silence. Then Rufus sat up.

He cleared his throat. “I don’t know your name,” Rufus stated.

Alec looked up from staring at the floor. “It’s Alec.”

“And why are you here?” His eyes looked straight through Alec.

“In this house?”

“In the town.”

Not knowing exactly what Rufus meant, Alec stayed silent.

Rufus continued, “Do you think you all belong here?”

“Why don’t you want us here?”

“Trust is a big thing and we don’t know who you are. And in you all stroll like you own the place. I hate that.”

Alec was frozen in confusion. They hadn’t even been there for an entire day and they had already made an enemy. It wasn’t like they had stormed in and tried to take everything the town owned. This guy clearly had an underlying issue that he was taking out on the new guys.

“We haven’t really ‘strolled in like we owned the place,’ have we?” Alec’s voice contained a hint of sarcasm.

“Have you lived with others, strangers, before?” Rufus ignored Alec completely.

Rufus received a nod.

“And why aren’t you with them now?”

“They were either overrun by walkers or seized by bandits,” Alec said, refusing to go in to detail.

“Has it always been the six of you?”

“No.”

“What happened to the others?”

“What do you think?” Alec was starting to get annoyed. It was like he was being interrogated. He was an Officer but that didn’t excuse it.

No one had the right to make others feel uncomfortable or force them to think about the past. Alec had been through too much and remembering it all was too painful.

“Where’s your family?”

“They’re here, biologically only my sister. The others are dead.”

“Why couldn’t you save them?”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Why couldn’t you protect those you love?” Rufus pressed as if it were the most normal question on the planet.

“Are you telling me that you’ve never lost anyone that you cared about?”

Rufus was silent then.

“I don’t understand where you’re coming from. We’ve been here less than a day,” Alec said.

Again, Rufus was silent. However, Alec would wait for an answer this time.

“I don’t trust you,” Rufus stated. Before Alec could reply, Rufus stood and left the room.

In a stunned silence, Alec remained where he was, alone. It wasn’t as if they had done anything wrong and Rufus was certainly less trustworthy than the six of them. What could Alec do though? Some people just didn’t listen and Alec didn’t have the time or effort to make that his problem.

When Gretel returned, she and Alec spoke lightly of the times before. As Rufus didn’t return, Gretel spoke about how Rufus wanted to be Head Officer but Maia was against that. The questions Alec had were answered and, as it was his ‘first day’, he was allowed to leave at three o’clock. Typically, everyone worked from eight to five but there was no punishment for being late or early, you worked for the chips you wanted and to gain normality, not to keep the economy safe.

Back at the house, Simon and Clary were already home. Alec threw himself down onto the largest sofa and asked how the other two were. At the ‘Lab,’ Simon was able to give over his knowledge and then observe what they did. Apparently they had a lot of slow days and today was one of them, meaning that Simon was allowed to leave early too. The same applied for Clary because, even though the ‘School Day’ didn’t finish for another hour, they didn’t want to overwork her. Alec didn’t go into full detail, he said a little about Rufus and a little about how he didn’t enjoy it completely, but he didn't say much because he didn’t like talking about his feelings, ever. He was going to change his job if possible and the other two were sympathetic.

An hour and a half later, Jace came through the door, practically skipping. According to Max Lincoln, Jace was one of the best shots they’d had and, considering Jace loved his ego to be fuelled, it just made him even happier. Alec asked why Max went by the ‘Station’ and Jace said that one of the trainees wasn’t complying and that was that apparently.

Five o’clock came and went and neither Magnus nor Izzy arrived. The four of them idled about, still discussing whether this place was good or not and, unsurprisingly, they were all pretty much in unison in believing that, ultimately, it was good. Although Alec did agree as well, he held back because he didn’t want the others to worry. He wasn’t sure if Rufus was going to be an issue but if he explained his worries to his family then and there, they would worry and perhaps there was no cause for concern at all.

Magnus came home at around quarter to six and then Simon started to panic about Izzy, despite the fact that she knew how to take care of herself. Magnus then told them that Izzy was still teaching all of the seamstresses and, since she was enjoying herself, no one wanted to stop her.

“So is it… dinner time?” Jace asked once they had established that Izzy was quite safe.

This provoked a pause.

“Well, I wouldn’t get too excited,” Magnus said. “It’s still going to be a can of peaches.”

“But with cutlery and plates! And on a table!” Clary exclaimed.

“There is that… I’ll go get it for you then, shall I? Forever serving you.” Magnus clicked his tongue and went to the kitchen, Alec following him.

“What was your day like?” Magnus asked as he searched through the cupboards for their ‘meal.’

Alec actually went into detail about what happened then. If he got the right reaction from him, he would tell the others, if not, he would keep it between the two of them.

“And after I received that third degree,” Alec continued after his tale. “He said he didn’t trust us, for absolutely no reason. I don’t know whether I should worry about him or not.”

By this time, Magus had set the table and opened a can of peaches and a packet of jerky. Meals were so nutritious. “I think that we should keep an eye on him but I don’t think he would start anything just because he has ‘trust issues.’ Are you worried?”

“He kind of gives me the creeps.”

Magnus chuckled. “The creeps,” He repeated before turning to face him. “Other than that, do you think you can join in here?”

A shrug came from Alec. “I might. I don’t want to be an Officer though, I’ll ask Maia if I can be a Runner. Did you get a job?”

A smirk formed on his lips.

“What?” Alec asked.

“Well, upon being observed by Maia as we strolled along, I talking to the civilians as well as our leader, she did give me a role, yes.” He looked smug.

Alec furrowed his brow in confusion, pushing Magnus to explain.

“She wants me to be another Vice Leader.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Not in the slightest. She can see how charismatic I am and the civilians like me a lot. Also, she can see how the five of you look to me for leadership.” Another smug smile. “So she believes I’d be rather suited to it.”

Magnus’ grin only managed to grow. He reached out his hands and pulled Alec towards him by the hips, Alec in a manner of habit, wrapping his arms around Magnus’ neck. All the worries in the world faded away with Magnus’ body so close to his.

“That’s good to hear, Magnus,” Alec mumbled into Magnus’ shoulder as he hugged him, his face nestled against his neck and Magnus’ head resting lightly on top of Alec’s.

“Once you get to be a Runner, I’m sure everything will fall into place for all of us,” Magnus said.

Alec kissed Magnus’ neck and felt Magnus shiver beneath him. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Magnus replied and he brought a hand to Alec’s face, pushing him gently and bringing his gaze up. Then he leaned down and kissed him, taking Alec’s lips between his own in a soft manner. It was short and soft and wonderfully comforting, and Alec never wanted it to end.

Unfortunately, it did but Alec did not remove his arms from Magnus. There they stayed for a few moments, embracing and absorbing each other’s company.

The sound of the front door opening and closing alerted Alec to his sister’s presence in the house. Then the worries of the world flooded back to Alec like a tidal wave and the beauty of their hug was lessened.

“Do you think people will be happy to hear that you have power over them?” Alec asked.

They detached from each other, Magnus ‘serving’ portions and Alec taking bottles of water to the table. “The town trusts Maia and her judgement, so I don’t think they’ll be displeased. They’ll learn to love me if they aren’t happy at the moment.”

“That’s a task in itself,” Alec jested.

Magnus pretend to be hurt. “That cuts me real deep, Alexander. I can’t believe you would say such a thing,” Magnus said though he was grinning.

Dinner followed and the six of them spoke and joked as if they were at some sort of dinner party. They toasted to Magnus’ job and then he explained a few things that he learnt whilst he spent the day with Maia. The Runners trained on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday, and then did Runs on the other days. The Heads and Vices of every ‘department’ had a meeting every Saturday and ran an announcement to the town on Sunday evening, which was yesterday apparently.

A strange feeling settled over Alec, something of warmth because he realised that this place had routines and rules. He had been so used to chaos and anarchy, the days of the week had never even popped into his mind. He had been so used to the cold feeling inside, the feeling of emptiness and darkness, and now there was almost a sense of home. It was peculiar.

In all honesty, they were in need of a change, a chance for something good. Perhaps this was it, perhaps this was their something good. And by the Angel did they deserve it.

After the taxing day they had, they went to bed, finally feeling better about life and the future. In their supplies, they had bought razors, proper razors to trim and cut their beard. The bathroom soon became full of beard hair as they shaved and felt their faces be clean again. It was one of the most refreshing feelings Alec had ever had.

Once they were in bed, Alec rested his head on Magnus’ chest that was bare like the night before, but this time, they both had actual pyjama bottoms and that was bizarre. As they settled in, Magnus slowly started running his hand up and down Alec’s back and Alec could, very readily, feel the blood rushing through his body. They had had very little intimate contact over their time outside, a few times jerking each other off, but never any full on sex. So getting hard quickly wasn’t exactly abnormal for either of them.

And then he remembered.

“Magnus, we don’t have any condoms,” Alec said.

Magnus did not stop however. “There’s other stuff we can do, condoms aren’t necessary for everything, you know.”

“The only thing we’ve been able to do in the last few months has been everything but sex.”

“But, you see, now we have a bed to do these other things on.”

“I’m bored of just using our hands and mouths.”

Magnus stopped moving and sighed. “Well, if you get to be a Runner, I want you to find condoms. The first thing you have to find is condoms.”

“I’m pretty sure you have to share the things you find.”

“Nope, not this find. This is for our benefit and our benefit only. I don’t think I’ll be able to resist you much longer.”

Alec grinned and rested his chin on Magnus’ chest, looking up to those beautiful green eyes. “We had better try. Safer than sorry and all that.”

“Honey, we’re in an apocalypse, there’s very little safe anywhere.”


	3. The World is so Unpredictable

>  “The world is so unpredictable. Things happen suddenly, unexpectedly. We want to feel we are in control of our own existence. In some ways we are, in some ways we’re not. We are ruled by the forces of chance and coincidence.”  
>  -Paul Auster

_Magnus_

The next few days passed without a hitch. Alec switched to being a Runner and did his first Run on Thursday and, because of his more recent knowledge of survival techniques and the outside world, he became one of the most successful there. Luckily enough, he had found a condom too but they had yet to find a time to use it, so they were saving it for later.

Isabelle had been a complete hit, everyone loving her and what she brought to the town. Down in the Lab, Simon was learning a hell of lot about the walkers and their nature, fascinated by how much they knew. In Weaponry, Jace was well loved, not only for his wonderful charm, but for his perfected shot too. And all of the kids loved Clary in the School, taking to her like a duck to water. Magnus too, although he was still a stranger, was become a beloved member of the community and, of course, he loved it.

On Friday, Magnus actually woke with a smile. His usual nightmare ended with him grabbing Alec’s hand instead of him slipping away. His elbow had stopped hurting. He had a home. Life was looking up.

The Runners got up at six to train as they had to do early hour Runs for supplies, so Alec wasn’t there when he woke. Duties for Magnus on a Friday consisted of checking in with civilians and overlooking Stock. Each Vice Leader got a different duty every day except for Saturday, ensuring that nothing got overlooked. Although Magnus was not a fan of routine, he did enjoy having something to do.

The sun was on the rise when Magnus left the house. Some people were already out and about, greeting Magnus with a smile and a hello as he passed. A few of them stopped and Magnus checked in on them, asking how they were. Everyone seemed fine, though one woman got very heated with her concerns about buying medical supplies from Stock instead of having to go the Hospital. Magnus, mainly to quiet her down, said he would look into it.

Everything just felt so normal. There was routine and people kept to it. For people who had been there for months, life was like it was before as they rarely got disturbed by the undead. They had never been raided because no one really knew this place existed and, on the horizon, trees lay in such a way that they blocked the view from the road, hiding their settlement. If people knew their way around, they could cut through to a town around half an hour away on foot, so they weren’t completely isolated, but it was safe.

Inside Stock, Gregory and Pete were not at their ‘desk’, as it were, in the entrance. A woman was stood, clearly waiting for their return with her chips in hand.

“Good morning,” Magnus greeted as he stood beside her.

She smiled. “They won’t be long, they’re just checking on something for me.”

A minute or so later, the two arrived and Pete was carrying a large jar with some form of liquid inside.

“This is the last one we have, and the Runners haven’t found any in weeks. I suggest you savour it because we don’t know if we’ll be getting anymore,” Gregory explained as Pete handed it over to her.

She didn’t look happy at the news. “Could you notify the Runners? This is the only thing that keeps me sane.”

“We’ll see what we can do,” Gregory reassured.

The woman turned and left without another word, her jar in hand.

“Hello, Magnus, come on through,” Gregory said as he let Magnus pass, leaving Pete to stand at the desk.

They went upstairs to check things over, though there weren’t many concerns. They were running low on coffee tables and picture frames, and they were on their last box of peanuts, which many were upset about. After that, Gregory explained they needed a refrigeration system or their farming produce would only be good for a few days after processing and, because of that, it was difficult to keep up with what was good and what was not. Stock was also running out of rope, which was a necessity, so there were a few things but nothing crazy.

According to Gregory, their supplies would always fall heavily in one thing and rise in another. As they were low on peanuts, they had a worryingly large amount of beef jerky. Sure, food was food, but people liked a little variation and sometimes they just couldn’t get it.

People still liked to be fussy and demanding, and working in Stock appeared to take the brunt of that. If you couldn’t get people what they wanted, they got distressed and there was no way around that. The problem with living in a town was that you could forget the outside world and what it really was. People would forget that you couldn’t request a three course meal and wine to go with it because they had faded so far from the real world and begun to forget. Maybe it was good that the place was isolated and safe, but maybe there were downsides too.

Life was too difficult to be picky but some people could never get over that. It was so odd how the world could change so much and yet there were those who were unmoving, unchangeable, fixed in their ways. In fact, it wasn’t odd, it was just plain disturbing.

When Gregory was done and Magnus was satisfied, out onto the streets he went again. Along his walk, Magnus found himself lost in thought, thoughts about the future and what it held for them all. Perhaps they would all grow old there, die of old age surrounded by friends and family. Maybe Isabelle and Simon, and Jace and Clary would have children, and Magnus would finally get to marry Alec, and their lives would progress like they should have done.

False hope was a terrible thing, and the problem is, the world is so unpredictable, Magnus shouldn’t have tried to hope for anything. That’s why he refused to truly believe that that would happen. Keeping faith though, that wasn’t so bad. If Magnus could believe in something, then the days would be easier to get through. Hope might get you killed but it could also make you live.

Rounding a corner, Magnus found Woolsey Scott standing alone, looking up at the rooves of the houses. Considering he was meant to be training the Runners, Magnus found this concerning. As he approached Woolsey, the other smiled nonchalantly.

“You don’t seem to be training them very hard,” Magnus observed.

“On the contrary, they’re training vigorously right as we speak.” The smile Woolsey gave was practically bewitching and Magnus found it difficult to look away.

“Well, if camouflage is the current activity, you’re clearly a genius.” Magnus caught himself looking from side on and had to stop. Those looks were for flirting and he reserved them for Alec.

Again, Woolsey’s laugh was enchanting. “Some of them were worried about their climbing, so I made them race. The winner gets a chunk of chocolate, so they’re doing their best, I assure you.”

“Oh, what I would do for some chocolate right now.” Magnus licked his lips and smirked, knowing fully well that that was a tactic for intimacy, and he did _not_ need that from Woolsey.

“I would love to hear more about that.” Woolsey was watching Magnus’ lips and Magnus went to wet them again until he realised where that would lead.

He blinked himself out of it and looked back to the rooves, Woolsey’s gaze still weighing heavily upon him.

“How are you settling in?” He asked.

“Quite well,” Magnus began, fearing to look at Woolsey. “Everyone’s doing _really_ well in fact, it’s odd.”

“It’s nice to have new faces around.” Woolsey paused. “Especially ones that are so handsome.”

Magnus turned to face Woolsey who was grinning. “Well, thank you,” Magnus said, finding himself grinning back.

“I was talking about you, was I?”

“I think you were, yes.” Magnus wetted his lips as he smiled.

Then the two were gazing at each other. Magnus was studying Woolsey’s features, the way he got lines around his eyes when he smiled, and the strand of hair behind his ear, and how sharp and perfectly straight his teeth were. For a moment, they were the only two in the town and then Magnus realised what was happening. He felt his heart in his head and yet he couldn’t stop himself. Woolsey’s green eyes were too enticing and Magnus felt himself leaning closer despite his best efforts.

The sudden sound of movement grabbed his attention and he whipped his head around to find the source. Three bodies emerged from the tops of the roof on one house and Magnus’ Alec was one of them. There was a lot of scuffling and rushing as they jumped down and ran to Woolsey, eager to win. By a millisecond, Alec lost. Magnus could tell Alec held back so he didn’t win on purpose, but he didn’t say anything about it.

“You look tired. I think you’re getting out of shape,” Magnus joked, his muscles feeling stiff with tension.

After a few deep breaths, Alec went over and placed a kiss on Magnus’ lips. He smiled and said, “I could still outrun you though.”

That much was true so Magnus did not push the matter any further. “What exciting thing are you up to now then?”

Alec looked to Woolsey for confirmation of their next task. “We have training again tomorrow, you’re free to go if you wish.” He flashed a smile before Alec and Magnus turned to leave.

And, as if Magnus didn’t already know how bad the previous situation was, he glanced back to Woolsey and they locked eyes for a final time until they were lost from each other’s sight. Trouble was definitely brewing.

“There’s no one at home,” Magnus commented as they strolled along. “They’re all working for a few more hours, so it’s completely empty.”

“That sounds like a good time for a quiet nap then,” Alec said, smirking as they turned onto their street.

“Maybe, sure,” Magnus said, nodding slowly. “I mean, there’s other things too.”

“Oh really? You’d have to show me those.”

“I would love to.” Magnus returned the smirk in hope that he would forget his previous encounter with Woolsey as Alec was the one he shared these moments with, not anyone else.

After they double checked that their presumptions were correct, Magnus pushed Alec against the wall. Placing his hands either side of Alec’s head, Magnus grinned. Alec wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s hips, reaching under the fabric to grip at the hot skin there. Their eyes were filled with a sudden lust, pupils dilating to practically fill the entire colour beneath.

A fire burnt as their lips met, a kind of passion that was felt between true lovers in their most intimate moments. As Alec’s hand crept further up Magnus’ back to feel the muscles, Magnus brought a hand to the nape of Alec’s neck, immersing his fingers in his black locks. Magnus bit into Alec’s bottom lip which forced a delicate whimper out of his throat. He trailed kisses down his jaw and to his neck, leaving hot, wet marks all the way to the base of his throat.

As Alec thrust his head up to rest it on the wall, Magnus grabbed one of the hands that groped his back and pulled him upstairs, straight to their bedroom. Alec threw the door shut with a considerable slam and Magnus pulled his boyfriend close to make their bodies collide, grabbing his ass with both hands to keep him there. Their lips connected again, Magnus parting Alec’s almost instantly to taste the mouth that had been absent from him for weeks in this manner.

Alec, as always, tasted wonderful. A little like salt from sweat because, well, everyone was always sweating nowadays. There was a hint of mint and a small taste of something fruity that Magnus could barely detect. And, even though it was not the taste Magnus had grown accustom to before the end of the world began, it was a beautiful taste because it was Alec. His Alec.

Still connected, Magnus walked Alec back towards the bed, where, just before Alec fell back, Magnus took off his boyfriend’s shirt. He kissed his mouth, then ran kisses down his neck and along the collarbone before he pushed Alec back onto the bed. He landed upright, his hands keeping him up behind him so he could watch Magnus as he removed his own shirt. One of his pale hands reached up and touched the deep olive coloured muscle on Magnus’ firm stomach.

“We’ll have to take it slow, won’t we?” Magnus said as he brought a hand to Alec’s jaw, pushing his face up gently.

“I left the stuff downstairs,” Alec said.

Magnus leant down and brushed Alec’s hair behind his ear. “Where?”

“The lube’s in the drawer of the table in the kitchen, and the condom is in the book. I think it was the Codex, how sinful of me.”

“Did you say _condom_? You only found one?”

“Yeah, I don’t know how we’re meant to cope.”

Magnus pressed a kiss to Alec’s cheek. “You’ll just have to let me take this one then, won’t you?”

Magnus left the room hurriedly and ran down the stairs two at a time. He grabbed the lubricant and flipped open the book to the correct page, picking out the single square packet with a caution he hadn’t intended to use. Then it was back upstairs again, running at full speed until he came to their door where he stopped and looked at Alec with a gentle smile.

He was sat in the same position, his hands resting in his lap and waiting patiently. Magnus did not wait long before he walked to him and knelt in front of Alec who swallowed deeply. Magnus started to undo Alec’s belt buckle, slowly and torturously as was his way. When he sat only in his underwear, Magnus could see Alec’s cock pushing against the fabric.

With one hand resting on Alec’s warm thigh, Magnus used the other to rub his boyfriend through the material in a slow, unhurried gesture. He planted his mouth over his chest and stomach, knowing how to tease Alec until he begged. Sure enough, Alec was grasping at the sheets as Magnus unveiled his cock that wept at the head, swollen and aching. The sight made Magnus swell further, and he rocked his hips forward.

After wetting his lips, Magnus kissed the head of Alec’s cock, small at first before he placed the entire head in his mouth and swirled his tongue around the sensitive slit. Moans and gasps frequently escaped Alec’s mouth as Magnus continued to devour his lover with his skilled tongue. As he took his cock further into his mouth, he kneaded Alec’s thigh and began pumping his length alongside his mouth. Deeper into his throat Alec went, huskier moans escaping Alec's lips. In Magnus’ underwear, his own cock throbbed, aching for Alec.

He sucked in long motions, licking away any precum that formed at Alec’s slit. Alec couldn’t stop moaning, his throat being more used than it had in months, his cock pulsing in Magnus’ mouth as Magnus moaned against him. Magnus liked Alec’s taste and had missed it, so he would continue sucking until Alec couldn’t take it any longer.

Magnus licked a long line from the base of Alec’s cock to the head, revelling in the whimpers that it elicited from Alec. Alec fisted a hand in Magnus’ hair, gripping just a little too tight, and it kind of turned Magnus on. They had been absent from this for so long, it really wasn’t going to be a long session. They were hurried, desperate to get to more, Magnus could feel Alec throbbing inside his mouth, precum leaking heavily.

After planting messy and wet kisses down his length again, he engulfed his cock and took him deep, the head of his cock pressing at the back of Magnus’ throat, making both Magnus and Alec lurch. Considering this was the only sort of thing they had been doing over the past few months, they could have very well come just from that, so Magnus had to stop before that happened.

When Alec began rutting his hips into Magnus’ mouth, Magnus withdrew, much to Alec’s dismay, and undid the lubricant as Alec lay himself down. Alec’s gorgeously pale skin glistened from the light coming through the window, his stomach rising and falling heavy. It made Magnus throb underneath the gaze of those eyes that contained a brilliant burning fire in their blue depths.

Magnus unbuckled his belt and took off all of his clothing leisurely under those eyes. Magnus watched as Alec bit his lip when Magnus revealed his own cock. Eager to move on, Magnus grabbed the bottle and climbed onto the bed and they met with freshly wet lips, open mouths, and tongues. They didn’t linger, their sex history being too lacking over the recent months, and Magnus turned Alec around and grabbed his hips to keep him in place.

Pouring the lube onto his hand, he then dripped it over Alec’s back, forcing him to arch his back and hiss. Magnus smirked as he remembered how easily he could control his boyfriend. He started whimpering again, desperate for Magnus’ cock, so Magnus didn’t wait around.

Massaging Alec’s hips, Magnus pressed a forefinger into his tight hole. The gasp that came from Alec was loud and Magnus asked if he was all right to carry on, a hasty nod answering him. Carrying on with one finger, he went slow and easy, stretching Alec as gently as he knew how. As he worked him open, he placed a second finger in and then, eventually, a third. He opened him further and further, pumping his fingers every now and again so that he massaged Alec’s prostate to pull moans as he quivered against the fingers inside him.

No longer tight and pulsing around him, Magnus withdrew his fingers and poured more lube done Alec’s back. Alec straightened himself up and watched Magnus over his shoulder as he coated his own cock, rubbing it to wet it fully. Once he was satisfied, he pressed the head of his cock into Alec’s freshly stretched hole. He rocked his hips, finally able to recall how wonderful Alec felt around him.

Neither of them would last long, they had gone too long without this level of intimacy. They would keep it slow for as long as possible, their hips rocking slowly for fear it would be over too soon. Magnus couldn’t help but dig his fingers into Alec’s thigh, hard enough to bruise. One of Alec’s hands found its way into Magnus’ hair, gripping it so that Magnus rutted his hips faster, already feeling his stomach tightening.

He tried to keep it slow, rutting back and forth, filling Alec up with his hard cock. He felt good around him, his cock longing to get deeper. Their bodies moved like one, rocking and swaying gently, sweat beginning to bead and roll across them as they worked their bodies hard. They both moaned, unable to stop as their bodies felt better than they had in months.

Their breathing fastened. Their aching soon turned to sensation. Their muscles began to spasm. Nerve endings fired along Magnus’ skin and he was desperate to make them last, but his stomach was too tight, his cock throbbing too quickly. He pumped Alec’s cock in time with his thrusts, knowing he would be in the same state.

His body was on fire, everything tight as he thrust into Alec. The base of his cock was pulsing, his swollen cock desperate to reach a climax he hadn’t reached in months. Alec was keening and Magnus had missed those sounds, missed Alec’s body.

Magnus found himself pumping and thrusting faster, getting whimpers, and moans, and ‘Oh, the Angel’, from both their mouths. They bit their lips but not even that could stop them from being audible in their pleasure. He pressed his lips to Alec’s shoulder, kissing, biting, and sucking the skin as the tightening at the base of his cock grew and grew.

Despite his best efforts, Magnus couldn’t prolong his thrusts. His speed built and built, the sound of skin slapping skin becoming loud and consistent. They had been absent from this part of their relationship for so long, keeping the sex to a decent time was impossible. Instead, they rutted against each other until neither could hold on.

Alec came first by a few seconds, the hot liquid filling Magnus’ hand and spurting across the sheets. Magnus filled the condom and, even after he pulled out and removed it, he was still coming. Neither had had the chance to release their build up in weeks, and so they came for longer than they usually would have.

Both collapsed under the weight of their orgasms. Magnus couldn’t remember falling asleep but he did. They didn’t even cuddle or talk, which was peculiar but Magnus couldn’t stop himself. Sex made him tired and that was not to be helped.

At the sound of a door closing loudly, he awoke. He found himself modestly covered by a fresh sheet and a new pile of clothes lay on the floor next to the bed. The culprit of his awakening was none other than his lover, Alexander Lightwood.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Alec greeted as he began putting away clothes into the wardrobe.

“It isn’t morning, is it?” Magnus asked, sitting up.

Alec laughed. “No, it’s dinner time. Jace and Clary have put out jerky and beans.” He paused. “And a whole block of chocolate each too.”

“Ooh, yum,” Magnus said as he stretched. “Where did you get the clothes?”

“They were donated by some of the other families. Izzy has done so well, they let her take some for free.”

“We’re going to run out of space. We’ll need to buy another one soon.”

Alec finished hanging up the garments and turned to face Magnus. “Next is a wardrobe for Izzy and Simon, then it’s tables for our beds. Nothing for us until we have everything else, you know that Magnus.” Alec tutted jestingly as he approached the bed.

“Sometimes I forget there are other, supposedly, important people in this house.” Magnus gestured dismissively. He smiled as Alec sat on the edge of the bed next to him.

He took one of Magnus’ hands and fiddled with it idly. “Do you like it here?”

“I do, it feels very homely. How are you doing, with everything?”

He shrugged. Those blue eyes were not focused on Magnus’ but on his hand instead. Magnus watched him intently. He knew Alec hated change, he didn’t like adjusting, he liked things to stay the way they were. Changing from normality to the apocalypse had been hard for him, and then there had been a million little changes from then to present day. If Alec hated change, he was showing it well and coping admirably at this point.

“I just want everyone to be okay,” Alec mumbled.

“But you need to be happy too, you understand that, don’t you?” Magnus watched to detect Alec’s feeling but he was being more difficult to read than usual. Alec wore his heart on his sleeve, his face more readable than anyone’s Magnus had ever seen. The apocalypse did change people, but Magnus did not want that to change. He loved the way he could always tell what Alec wanted and what he was feeling just by his expression. Something had changed and it made Magnus a little sad.

“It can’t all be about me though,” Alec answered.

Magnus brought his free hand to Alec’s chin and pushed him to look up, His blue eyes looked sad and full of contemplation, Magnus searched them deep to figure him out but Alec wasn’t giving off much. “Forget about everyone else for a moment. It’s all about you right now, okay? Do you like it here? Enough to make this place our home?” Magnus asked.

Their eyes stayed focus on each other, Alec trying to find an answer in Magnus’ green ones. The answer he found took a little while to arrive.

“I do like it here. It’s got routine and it’s functional and we have jobs and we have a home. I do like it. I really like it here.” Alec sighed.

“But?” Magnus could feel it coming.

“The people here, they don’t seem to know how lucky they are. I think some of them might have forgotten how dangerous it is out there. And that worries me. It can get as normal as it can get, and people can live as safely as possible but if they become complacent, if they forget, it becomes dangerous because nothing is safe. I don’t want this place to fall because of that.”

Magnus gave him small smile and cupped his cheek. “You are such a worrier, my love. Right now, this place is good, and the people who protect it know how to keep it safe. Anything, _anything_ dangerous, if it comes, we know how to protect ourselves and we can get out. If you can keep hope, then please do. I shall keep the worrying for the meetings, okay?”

When Alec agreed, they shared a kiss and Magnus got dressed. At the table, Magnus observed his friends as they spoke and chatted. They were clearly more comfortable here than they had ever been anywhere else. It was wonderful to see them all so happy and almost carefree. They could never get careless, that would have to be ensured. But, for a little while, their cares could go unnoticed because, well, they had been so worried about life and the future for so long, they really deserved to be carefree for a while.

Their meal was, as per usual, minimal and boring, but they ate more eagerly because they had chocolate to have. The taste of such a thing had long faded from their minds and it would be difficult to savour it once they had begun. They all just sort of stared at it for a while.

“I feel like it’s staring me down,” Jace said.

“Stop being so dramatic,” Clary accused him, and Jace put a hand over his heart and gasped.

“You haven’t eaten yours either though,” Simon noted.

“It looks too good to be true,” Isabelle said. “Should we just do it on the count of three?”

“I don’t know if I can handle it.”

“I can’t wait much longer.”

“We should just do it, right?”

“They can make more, surely.”

“What if they can’t?”

“This can’t be the last of it. It can’t.”

“We have to savour it all the same.”

“I’m doing it,” Magnus stated among the voices. Everyone turned to face him. “I volunteer as tribute and all that.”

It was a lot tenser than it needed to be in reality.

“We’ll wait for your feedback,” Simon added.

Magnus took the rather small square of chocolate and bit it in half. After his salivating mouth calmed, the wonderfully sweet taste of milk chocolate filled his mouth. The texture was smooth and the cocoa reached every taste bud in his mouth. There was also a hint of nut that arose as he swallowed. A miniature moan escaped from his throat.

“Is it good?” Clary asked.

“Oh, no, absolutely terrible. Do you want me to have all your pieces to save you from this awful fate?” Magnus reached out to grab his boyfriend’s piece but Alec was quicker. Magnus smirked as he put the remainder of his piece into his mouth, allowing it to melt.

The others followed suit, and how they enjoyed it. Savouring the sweet, sweet chocolate, that didn’t really happen as it was gone from their mouths within seconds. Those few seconds were heavenly despite their short lasting moments.

“Where can we get some more?” Jace asked after wiping his tongue across his teeth multiple times.

“We’re going to have to steal some,” Simon said.

“We have to make a masterplan right now,” Clary said, and she didn’t look like she was joking. But, of course, they weren’t going to steal from Stock.

The night ended for them all young. As Alec and Magnus had to be up early for training and a meeting, they pretty much went to sleep the second they climbed into bed. They did chat for a few minutes about the little things and a few memories, and Magnus mentioned how dearly he missed owning a cat and Alec said that if he ever saw one out on a run, he would bring it back for him. Soon enough though, they were asleep and deep in their dreams, or rather, their dreamless sleep. Alec did not slip from his grip in his nightmare again, making Magnus feel a thousand times better about life.

The next morning, Magnus and Isabelle went to Maia’s house together. Inside, Maia had what used to be an office converted into a meeting room where a few people already sat. A habit that Magnus could feel himself learning was focusing on Woolsey when he was in the room. Woolsey smiled when he saw Magnus and pulled out the empty seat next to him. And, knowing that it was most definitely a mistake, Magnus sat there.

“Good morning,” Woolsey greeted, a perky smile upon his lips.

A nod came from Magnus in response. If he spoke, who knew what would happen.

“Got anything to report back?” Woolsey asked.

 _Shit, I can’t stay quiet after that._ “Nothing much. I suppose everyone else has already heard what people are saying to me,” Magnus said, avoiding eye contact to the best of his ability. It was difficult for he had such gorgeous green eyes.

“I suggest you just sit back and listen in then. It can be quiet boring but, hey, there are arguments sometimes and they can be wild fun,” Woolsey said as he sat back in his chair and crossed his arms.

Magnus chanced a glance at him. He wore a red t-shirt, it looked a little tight as it hugged his biceps and abdomen but it wasn’t a particularly terrible look. The blond hair that occasionally brushed his broad shoulders looked clean as if he had washed in the morning. He hadn’t shaved though, there was a dappling of blonde stubble across his jaw and above his lip. Despite its rough look, Magnus rather yearned to brush his hand across that jaw.

It was starting to become an issue.

“What are your Runners doing in your absence?” Magnus asked to attempt distraction.

Woolsey met his gaze. “I asked one of my brightest and best to continue the training. I think they’ll be okay but I might have to check in on them for I do so worry about their safety.” He grinned.

Once again, Magnus found himself smiling back. “Are you all out tomorrow then?”

“We’re going to take the cars and vans and go map out some more of the land. We’re starting to run out of new space and, therefore, where to find supplies on top of that.”

“Should we worry?”

Woolsey shrugged. “Probably. We’ll discuss it today.” He winked and Magnus went to reply but he was interrupted by the beginning of the meeting.

“Is our minute taker ready?” Maia asked as everyone went silent.

Someone Magnus didn’t know said ‘yes’. Then came the list of who was in the room before Maia started talking. There were a lot of people, twenty-six in fact and they were only the Heads and Second in Commands. Magnus was rather impressed.

“I’ll begin with what I know first of all. The water will be up and running next week, we’ve been testing it out and worked out the kinks, no warm water as of yet but we’re working on that. The library we considered is going to become void because we just can’t find enough books. Instead, we’ll just sell the books we have and let people borrow and lend as they please. Those radio systems we found are not working but we’ll keep trying because we really need them. Also, I’ll be telling everyone tomorrow that our alcohol making facilities are going to be in use but we won’t be making any until we run out of what we already have. That’s it on my part. How’s surgery?” Maia directed her question to Conrad.

“Same as usual, low supplies but we’re coping. Nothing major in the last week, we could just use a big hospital raid any time soon,” Conrad answered.

“Need anything in particular?” This was Woolsey.

Conrad shook his head. “Everything and anything you can find.”

“Farming?” Maia asked.

“Spring has finished a little late, so we have a lot of young which is good. We got another foal last night, we have six calves, plenty of chickens, lambs, and piglets. I was thinking pork again for tomorrow. We don’t have an awful lot of feed for the chickens, so Woolsey, we could really use that if you find it.” Woolsey nodded in response to Erik. “Seeds are growing well but everything’s a little dry, so water will be greatly appreciated. That’s it.”

“We’ll get the water to you first then,” Maia assured Erik. “Nick, Kito?”

“Clary’s been a good addition, the kids love her and she’s teaching really well. The rest of the staff, as per usual, are doing all they can to make the kid’s lives, well, kid-like. We’re teaching them more and more about the dangers of the world but we’re easing them in. We’re good,” Nick answered.

The Officers had a boring week, the Chefs were working on chocolate and other goods to sell in Stock, Stock asked Woolsey for an awful lot but still claimed they were doing well. Protection didn’t need much at all, they said they were coping with what they had. Magnus got the feeling that the words ‘we’re running low on… but we’re doing okay’ were used a lot. It was practically a catchphrase.

“Weaponry?”

Max looked like he had been woken from a nap before he spoke, “We’re trying to lessen the amount of bullets we use when teaching because when we run out, we’re screwed. Jace is a fantastic shot and we’ve done well with getting him in. Woolsey, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, guns and bullets are what we need.”

Another nod from Woolsey.

“Isabelle, welcome.” Maia said with a warm smile. “How’s sewing?”

“We’ve got plenty of material and supplies. Now that I’ve taught everyone how to sew properly, we’ll be able to use even less material. There’s nothing else to report back really,” Isabelle spoke with confidence.

“How’s her leadership, Leila?” Maia asked.

“Oh, she’s very good, confident and always open to our, more specifically _my_ , questions. A lot better than me.” Leila beamed at Isabelle and Isabelle thanked her graciously.

“Praetor, the church good?”

The Praetor nodded. “People are praying less and less but I am assured they are keeping the faith, I was wondering if I could hold weekly prayer sessions now that we’ve calmed since last week?”

“Like what?”

“Confession and group sessions, I would be very willing if the word got out.”

“Anyone opposed?”

There was no opposition so Maia allowed him to do as he wished, as long as he didn’t forget his other responsibilities.

The Construction leaders went on for quite a while. They spoke about how they needed another week for the solar panels because they couldn’t get the people in. An argument occurred because Erik accused of them lying around when they should have been working and Gregg said Erik’s job was easier and building took a lot longer than planting flowers. Maia had to intervene and she told them to continue with their weekly update before she threw them out. Steve said they wanted to expand the grounds so, if Woolsey found fence panels and extra wood that would be great. He also said that a lot of people were requesting work for their houses and he needed a list, which then meant that people would now have to go to Stock to request work and Constructing would get the requests through them.

In the Lab, Simon was a good addition and he had a lot to offer. They were helping with the solar panels and getting the warm water. Other than that, they didn’t have much to do because their equipment wasn’t working and they didn’t have a lot of samples or things to work on.

Then it was onto the Vice leaders.

“Andrea keeps asking for those medical supplies in Stock,” Bat said.

“The blonde one?” Maia asked.

He nodded.

“She asked me as well,” Magnus added in.

Conrad sighed before directing his eyes to Maia. “I’ve told her a thousand times. We aren’t selling bandages and band aids for one thing. For another, any issue, be it a cut finger or a broken leg can be treated in my surgery, and lastly, it wouldn’t be convenient for me. Can someone else tell her that, please?”

“I’ll say something tomorrow, but she doesn’t appear to understand,” Maia said.

“She won’t listen to me, despite the fact I’m a doctor.”

“Conrad, I’ll tell him.” Maia silenced Conrad with her tone. “Anything else, Magnus, Bat, Al?”

Bat didn’t have anything else to add and neither did Magnus. Alaric explained that people wanted more freedom to go outside. Maia said that she couldn’t offer that because they had bigger problems to deal with.

After them, it was onto Woolsey. Alec was doing very well and showed great potential. Then he explained how they were running out of new space and where to find supplies. A long discussion followed, deciding where they should go and possible new routes. A few people appeared concerned but they placed their trust in Woolsey, and Magnus could feel that that was the right thing to do.

“Right, Theo,” –the minutes taker- “Can I get a list of what people need. I’ll see what I can do with all that,” Woolsey said and Theo nodded.

Maia finished the meeting after that, thanking them all for their time before everyone went. Isabelle went off with Leila, leaving Magnus standing there awkwardly by himself. After a few moments, he was approached by none other than Woolsey Scott.

“Will you walk with me for a moment, Magnus?” He asked.

“Don’t you need something from Theo?”

“He’s dropping it by my house when he has it.”

Magnus agreed, curious as to why his company had been requested. The two walked out of the house in rather close proximity, and took a gentle stroll in the direction of Magnus’ house. The day had progressed and the sun had cooled. A few clouds dotted the blue sky but it remained warm, it was summer after all.

“How long have you and Alec been together?” Woolsey asked after a few moments of walking.

It took Magnus a minute, thinking back through their time together. “About six years.”

“You never married?”

“We planned to, like in the future, but the zombs came and did what they do; ruin people’s plans,” Magnus said with a sad smile. “Why are you asking?”

Woolsey shrugged. “Before all of the zombies, I had a guy. Seven years we were together, it ended how it usually did, he fell for another. But we met up when this whole thing started and, well, he died early on because he was never very good at protecting himself. I was just thinking, you know.”

“Thinking about what?” Magnus asked but he knew exactly what Woolsey was thinking about. Certain things triggered feelings and memories, forcing you to think about times before. When you saw someone, or heard a certain voice, you could be thrown back suddenly to years before, and a painful nostalgia would overcome everything you were previously feeling. Magnus didn’t know what it was that made Woolsey think back to his previous ‘guy’ but he had the feeling he was about to find out.

“How comfortable I was around him. You and Alec, you remind me of a simpler time.”

“Alec and I? Why?” Magnus was pressing him lightly for more of an insight into Woolsey’s life.

“I can’t pinpoint it, but you do remind me of him.” Woolsey looked to Magnus, a reminiscent look in his eye. “There also hasn’t been a good looking gay couple here since the beginning of this place, so I’ve finally got something to look at.” He smiled but Magnus could feel the weight of what he was saying.

“Was it difficult when you lost him?”

“Which time?” Woolsey chuckled lightly, but it wasn’t funny.

“Both.”

As they continued walking, Woolsey explained his previous relationship and how it had felt both times it ended. Every now and again, Magnus added something from his own relationship history because, as was common, he too had been left high and dry once or twice in his life. He had never lost someone he had dated to the walkers, however.

Woolsey explained that, when his ex-boyfriend was killed, there was a feeling of hopelessness and exhaustion that followed him everywhere. Love had made him believe in all things good and in forgiveness, which was slightly destroyed when he had been left. When the zombies rose and his ex-boyfriend returned, everything seemed almost good again, despite the undead.

Then he had been killed and Woolsey didn’t see the light again for months, until he found the town. Even then, he didn’t know how to go on. He was a broken man and he was still putting the pieces back together.

When the two had reached Magnus’ house, they stopped to finish their conversation.

“Love makes you a fool, Bane,” Woolsey finished. “I appreciate you listening to me ramble on.”

“I assume you weren’t alone throughout this. You haven’t kept this all bundled up, have you?” Magnus asked.

“I was with my brother and cousin, they sort of know what happened, told me to keep faith and all that. They don’t understand, but they know.”

Magnus nodded. “I don’t really know how to finish this all up.”

Woolsey smiled and shrugged. “A friendly hug too much to ask for? I did just share a big part of my life, I do need some reassurance that you don’t think I’m a freak.”

“You aren’t a freak,” Magnus reassured as Woolsey opened his arms as an invitation.

And so they hugged. Magnus made sure they took the one arm over and one arm under approach to ensure it felt as platonic as possible. However, the weight of Woolsey’s arms around his waist and shoulder were highly distracting and he began slowly rubbing his back with his hand, which caused hairs to rise across Magnus’ body. Muscles lay clear beneath his tight shirt and Magnus tried not to clench to feel them better but he wasn’t quite sure if he succeeded. Then there was the light sensation of breathing on his neck. It caused the hairs to stand and his blood to course.

For how long they stood there, Magnus couldn’t say but he was almost certain that he was the one that pulled away first. _Almost._ They bid goodbye and Magnus went inside. After he closed the door, he leant against it and threw his head back with a sigh. What he was thinking, he didn’t know. He shouldn’t be walking with attractive males, flirting and hugging them too.

Alec was perfect and Magnus adored him. He loved him dearly and truly and no one could come between them. Whatever was happening with Woolsey would stop, he would stop himself if it was the last thing he did. Life was finally looking up, he was not going to let a slow developing crush ruin it all, that was for sure.


	4. Live Beyond

> “Maybe everyone can live beyond what they're capable of.”  
>  **―** Markus Zusak, _I Am the Messenger_

_Alec_

The next few months flew by. Everything fell into place and Alec finally felt like he belonged somewhere. The sun soon cooled, leaving fall and the changing of leaves, a pleasant and not so dangerous heat upon them. When the rain fell, it was heavy and relentless. Soon enough, puddles filled the street and the mud was dangerously wet. With the comfort of a home however, it was endurable.

Winter came next, rain still falling until it froze and became snow. At first, it was too cold and too wet to settle, but then the sky turned a pure white and the temperature was just the right kind of cold. Sheets of snow fell, covering the ground and buildings. It was beautiful, chilly sure, but beautiful all the same.

Inside the town, water was finally running and they had built a power supply too. People were working like a well-oiled machine, and everyone was happy. It was functioning like normal, even though everything had changed severely since the days of before.

For Alec, runs were going well, though they hadn’t done many during the winter months. The walkers were slower when they were cold, but it was too risky with all the blizzards and ice. Magnus was safe too, Izzy was safe, Jace was safe, Clary was safe, and Simon was safe. The house was a home, filled with furniture and books. It was _their_ home. Alec liked having a home.

Although no one knew for sure, the townspeople had decided it was the week of ‘Christmas’. There were no decorations and they didn’t have the ability to bake seasonal goods, but there was an atmosphere to it all. In the School, the children had been allowed to create paper decorations and they put them up in the Food Hall and homes. Alec had never been a big fan of the season, but being able to recreate the tradition gave him a sense of comfort.

The cold weather had made Magnus cuddlier and the two of them spent evenings snuggled up by the fire, reading. They made out a lot too, which was nice. Since Magnus was a Vice Leader and Alec’s Running duties were on the decline, they had a lot of time to do whatever they wanted. It would have included sex, but their lack of condoms didn’t allow for that, so they had to perform other activities. Not always as fun, but it was a luxury they had missed.

Once Alec had finished his Running duties, a bit of training in one of the bigger halls, Woolsey let them all go early. Alec bid everyone goodbye and made his way home, pulling his jumper over his nose and mouth to protect him from the icy air. Every bare piece of skin was frozen and the atmosphere was heavy with oncoming snow.

Alec traced the steps to his front door and went inside, locking it behind him the way he was accustomed to. After his coat went up on the rack, Alec called out to see if anyone was in but there was no reply. The sound of running water rang through the house, so Alec went upstairs to find the source, which was the shower of course.

He knocked on the door of the bathroom.

The voice on the other side asked, “What?”

“Is that you, Magnus?”

“Yeah.”

“I need to pee, can I come in?”

There was a pause, the shower still running, before the sound of a bolt being slid across was made. Alec went inside and made straight for the toilet, not necessarily avoiding looking at his boyfriend in the shower, but also doing exactly that at the same time.

“You’re back early,” Magnus commented as Alec relieved himself.

“Other than training, we can’t do all that much. Why are you wasting all our water?”

“Excuse me, Alexander, but I need to be clean and presentable, thank you very much.”

Alec felt warm water flicked at his neck and, even though it was an act of ‘Sassy Magnus’, it was pleasant because Alec was cold. When he finished, Alec flushed and used the hand sanitiser before turning around and glaring at Magnus.

He couldn’t help but study his naked body then. The water ran along his taut skin, over his biceps and along the curves of his muscles. Of course, he wasn’t as muscled as he could have been, the lack of a healthy diet leading to that, but he was still firm. As the water went down his body and over his thighs, he glistened underneath the stream. There was shampoo in his hair but he was washing his face, his hands rubbing over and over before he let the water flow down him again. The white sky from outside gave an intricate glow to the room and Magnus was clearly the centrepiece.

As Magnus threw his head under the stream and washed out the shampoo, he asked, “Are you going to just stand and stare, or are you going to join me?”

“I don’t need to shower,” Alec said.

Magnus gave him a sideward glance before going back to wash his hair and Alec was decided. Off went his jumper and shirt, then his shoes and the rest of his clothes. The air bit into his skin, raising the hairs across his nude body, so he practically leapt into the shower to get the warm water to run over him.

Without a moment’s hesitation, Alec turned Magnus around by his hips and pressed their mouths together. Magnus’ lips were already wet but Alec didn’t mind adding to that. He tasted strongly of soap but there was a hint of something else there, something sweeter. Alec broke the kiss when he tasted it.

“Have you been sneaking chocolate again?” Alec asked and Magnus’ smirk answered his question. “Chocolate is not what we’re spending our tokens on.”

“I didn’t _buy_ it.” Magnus grinned. “I’m very good friends with one of the girls in Stock.”

“Ah, you got it for sexual favours,” Alec joked.

Magnus didn’t reply. Instead, he brought his own lips down to Alec’s, parting them with a flick of his tongue. The taste of chocolate settled on Alec’s tongue and he moved his own against Magnus’ steadily, their bodies connecting as they moved into each other. Not only did Alec want to be close to Magnus, but he wanted to taste cocoa too.

When Magnus released a small moan from the depths of his throat, Alec pulled away again.

“We can’t wear condoms in the shower and there’s no way we’re doing this bareback,” Alec said.

“Then we’ll just have to stand out of the out the stream, darling,” Magnus drawled as he pressed his lips repeatedly over Alec’s jaw and neck.

“But we don’t have any condoms. Or lube in here, for that matter.” Alec wasn’t ready to jump into it without being safe. Safety was key, even more than it had ever been.

“Oh, there _is_ lube in here,” Magnus said as he straightened up and pulled Alec closer to him by wrapping his arms around Alec’s hips. Their wet skin slid against each other. “I almost walked in on Jace and Clary in here the other day. I know for a fact they were getting it on, and they’re the kind of couple that would always lube up.”

Alec let his hands travel up Magnus’ body, feeling the curves that were slick with water. When one settled on his firm shoulder, the other reached up to his wet hair, immersing in the locks. “Maybe we don’t do the sex thing.”

“What else could we possibly do?” Magnus asked with a grin set upon his lips.

After Alec brought Magnus down so their mouths met again, he trailed kisses from his wet lips to his wet jaw that was heavy with stubble, all the way down to the base of his neck. The water continued to pour down their bodies, covering and drenching them to make their bodies connect. His hot kisses followed across his body, along his collarbone and down to his chest, nipping and sucking at the already soaked skin.

At his nipple, Alec swirled his tongue around the hardened and sensitive bead, sucking harshly to force whimpers out of Magnus’ throat. He tugged lightly with his teeth and Magnus’ hands went straight to Alec’s hair, pulling at the wet strands.

He continued his way down to Magnus’ thighs, grazing his teeth over his hips before he sucked at the muscle on his legs. Magnus’ cock hardened as Alec moved between his thighs, kissing and nipping at the skin as the water streamed down his face. Magnus writhed underneath his touch, desperate to get friction on his cock. However, Alec wanted to be dominant, so he bit into Magnus’ thigh and Magnus gasped and thrust again.

Digging his fingers into Magnus’ hips, he flicked his tongue over the head of his cock. Magnus moaned as his shoulders relaxed so that he could rest against the shower wall, knocking bottles onto the floor. Alec licked the entire length from base to tip, slowly, torturously slow.

The thrusting was attempted again, but each time Magnus rutted his hips, Alec stopped and waited. It took a long while for Magnus to understand that he had to patient and he rocked his hips forward every time Alec ran his tongue across his solid cock. It was torture for Alec as much as it was for Magnus for he had to wait to take his boyfriend into his mouth.

When Alec was finally satisfied that his boyfriend had suffered enough, Alec set his entire mouth around Magnus’ aching cock and sucked his way up and down. He continued to go slow, moving his head up and down Magnus’ length.

He hollowed his cheeks and sucked Magnus deep into his throat. Bringing one hand to his base, he pumped a rhythm alongside his sucking, forcing Magnus' throat to be active with moans. When he reached the head, he would swirl his tongue around the sensitive slit, Magnus whimpering at the touch.

If precum lay there, he definitely licked it up but the water left Alec unknowing to that. He kissed his way up the length slow before engulfing him again in a tortuously long motion.

Each time Magnus thrusted, Alec continued to stop and wait, making an unhappy Magnus beg to be touched. He was always a slow learner. However, it came to a point where it was too hard to resist and Alec had to pump his own cock in sync with his sucking. He was hard, completely filled with blood and swollen.

In the days before the undead, it was rare either of them would be able to come just from being sucked for their sexual activities were numerous, but the apocalypse forced them to adapt. That’s why they got so much pleasure from being sucked and touched and kissed, their cocks reacting readily to the sensations.

Magnus began rutting again but Alec didn’t stop. He could feel himself pulsing, desperate to come already and give way to the orgasm. Inside his mouth, Alec could feel Magnus throbbing as he too was close to climaxing.

The tightening in his stomach came as relief for Alec and he could feel the blood coursing through his body, ready to burst at his cock. Magnus was there too, moaning nonstop and making Alec quiver before him. He sucked and sucked until Magnus came with an enormous groan.

His mouth filled with hot semen and he swallowed, revelling in Magnus’ taste. After sucking all of the come from Magnus’ cock, he continued to rub himself until he too came, the loads being washed away with the water still running over the two of them.

Heavy breathing followed, their bodies twitching as they recovered from their orgasm. Alec stood and ran his mouth under the showerhead to wash it out. Magnus wrapped an arm around his waist and pressed their lips together again, not roughly but in a tender manner.

“We’re wasting water,” Alec mumbled against his lips.

“Oh well, it’ll rain again.” Magnus beamed and they kissed again.

The two of them were lucky because Jace and Simon came home a couple of minutes after they had left the bathroom. The snow made people want to leave early and, since it was practically ‘Christmas’, people didn’t mind not working.

The lead up to ‘Christmas’ brought an excitement Alec hadn’t felt for years. ‘Christmas Day’ arrived with a blizzard and, when Alec awoke and opened the curtains, he was met with a wall of white. It was both sad and joyful. Joyful because it was just like Christmas should be, but sad because everything was blinding, it was like a fog covering the world before him. He didn’t like not being able to see.

When Magnus awoke, Alec kissed him full on the mouth.

“Is this my present?” Magnus asked, grinning.

“You got a shower-job, I think that was present enough.” Alec smiled at Magnus’ disappointed face.

The two got up, dressed, and retreated downstairs to find Izzy and Jace awake too. They all bid each other a ‘merry Christmas’, which was odd because none of them were ever really celebrators but the idea of tradition was too good to pass up.

“Where are the other two?” Alec asked as he picked at day old bread.

“Clary’s asleep,” Jace said. “She gets mad if I wake her up.”

“And Simon’s in the bathroom, cleaning his teeth or something,” Izzy answered through a mouthful of stale cereal.

“They should be up, being merry. It’s _Christmas_!” Magnus stated, twirling about the kitchen as he did.

Alec smiled at him, and then Magnus was off upstairs to drag them down himself.

“Clary’s going to kill him,” Jace said.

“Magnus loves his biscuit, I’m sure he’ll be kind to her,” Alec said, trying to chew on the tough bread.

Jace laughed lightly. “How are you feeling about this whole ‘Christmas’ thing?”

“It’s odd, isn’t it? It isn’t really like Christmas because of all the zombies, but it _feels_ like Christmas. Does that make sense, I don’t know. I don’t know exactly how I feel about it. It’s like, we can live beyond what we have now, but is it just a façade? I don’t know,” Alec answered.

“Simon loves it even though he’s Jewish, he always celebrated it because of Clary. It’s so odd, us trying to keep up traditions just for normality,” Izzy said.

“Don’t you want normality?” Alec asked.

“I want actual normality, not pretend-,” Izzy went to say more but was cut off.

“Magnus, you ass!” Clary’s voice sounded from upstairs.

“I guess he upset his Biscuit,” Jace said, shrugging.

The three laughed as they heard a pair of footsteps thudding around upstairs and then down the stairs. Then the hurried footsteps found themselves in the kitchen, running around the countertops until Magnus hid himself behind Alec as Clary stood before him, fiery hair wild and a pillow in hand.

“Hey babe, you okay?” Jace asked Clary nonchalantly.

“He woke me up by hitting me in the face with this pillow.” Clary was breathless.

“You’re supposed to be nice, it’s Christmas,” Alec said, glancing back to his boyfriend who was holding onto his hips something fierce.

“It was nice, I was making sure she didn’t miss anything,” Magnus retorted.

Simon came in a moment after and his face was furrowed in confusion. They all sat around the fire once the moment passed and started reminiscing about old Christmases. It weighed down the reality of the situation they were in after talking about awful presents and awkward mistletoe encounters. Soon enough, however, they had forgotten about the dangers of the world outside.

They were calm, a serenity surrounding them even in their silences. The world was silent and it had fallen silent almost two years ago. Communication, be it radio or television, had halted a few months into the world falling dead. The CDCs across the world no longer swapped information, the leaders of countries lost power, and no one flew from country to country. Where people were was where they were going to stay and where they would die too. Once upon a time, the world was noise but now it was silent. It was empty. It was dead.

There was nothing new in the world any longer. Infants were not healthy enough to survive and very few even got the chance to be born. No species had the time to evolve into something new. Inventions were a thing of the past. Life wasn’t moving forward unless you counted the dead as the next evolutionary step. Films, songs, nothing like that came along. People may be surviving but they weren’t living.

The town they were in, they were just trying to live. Some of them were trying to get a cure but if the CDCs couldn’t do it, how could they? Their facilities weren’t exactly top of the range and neither were the people running it. But they still tried, and that’s all they could do. No one could fault them for that.

However, if people started to get their hopes up, believing that they might find a cure, then you could fault them. Most people knew they wouldn’t get far, but they kept trying for hope’s sake.

Hope was both a danger and an inspiration.

When the sky went dark, they coated up and began tracing through the eternal white to the Food Hall. Unfortunately, Alec didn’t own any gloves, the seamstresses having more important things to sew and Alec not wanting to take priority. Alec shoved one hand deep into his pocket and grabbed Magnus’ hand with the other, interlocking their fingers.

Inside the Hall, it smelt wonderfully of freshly cooked food and vegetables. The tables had been rearranged into one long one where people were already sat. Alec sat himself next to Magnus and Jace, the others sitting down correspondingly. Across them sat Andrea and another guy called Joseph who were Runners that Alec had come to know. Along the way, Alec spotted Woolsey, who smiled when their gaze met.

There was a general hubbub about the place when everyone had taken their spots. Maia came in and people cheered as she smiled. After a quick speech about keeping up appearances and how excited she was that everyone of all religions were coming together to celebrate their unity, the food came out.

It was glorious to say the least. There was meat galore, vegetables on more plates than Alec could even count, and there was even alcohol delivered to those who were allowed to and wanted to drink. There was even gravy which got a lot of people excited.

As they tucked in, everyone’s past Christmas stories came about. Alec heard about a lot of mistletoe encounters, secret Santa exchanges, and hurtful and embarrassing experiences with the sexist, racist, homophobic uncle that went too far and brought on those family feuds that are remembered for years. Monopoly fights, film disagreements, and who deserved the last chocolate was what Christmas was really about and they weren’t going to happen anymore. It was a shame but perhaps some traditions were best left behind.

When Magnus began the story of his first Christmas with Alec, Alec felt the need to hide his face for all his colour became engulfed in scarlet. Everything that could have gone wrong that Christmas did. They had two Christmases, one at Alec’s parents’ house and the other at their apartment.

His parents were fighting more and more often, mainly about Robert’s mistress, but they were trying to control themselves for Christmas. Magnus knew about that but he accidentally managed to joke about couples staying together to please the kids despite their clear hatred for each other. That had been awkward.

Then Magnus gave Alec’s present to Robert which contained joke sex toys, and, well, to say the least that was not exactly appreciated. Max asked what they were used for and everyone sat in a stunned silence for almost half an hour.

Helping with dinner resulted in a burnt turkey and vegetables covering the floor. Then Magnus had mistaken a stray for the pet cat and invited a rabid animal into the home. But the cherry on top of the cake came when Magnus observed a glass statue Maryse had received for thirty years at the head of her position. He didn’t drop it or chip it, no he joked about its phallic shape and made obscene gestures with it just as Maryse came around the corner claiming that supper was ready.

It was horrifying.

Their second Christmas was only slightly better. Alec actually forgot their plans and made his way from the bedroom to the front room in the smallest and tightest shorts with the text ‘The Party Starts Here’ that he had borrowed from Magnus as he hadn’t moved in yet. Of course, all of his own friends and Magnus’ friends had just come in and Alec was one of the first things they all saw. After he froze in shock, Magnus asked if he was planning to change and Alec had turned and run straight back to the bedroom.

It was a great start.

Then they tried to put on ‘ _The Snowman’_ but the discs had gotten mixed up and a very erotic, gay pornography played inside. The meal was absolutely atrocious because they had to order in Chinese after Simon realised he was allergic to some sauce and they had to rush him to the hospital to make sure he didn’t die. It probably couldn’t have gone worse.

Magnus managed to tell it with wonderful detail so that everyone who was listening laughed heartily when the punchlines arrived. Typically, Alec hated that story being told but this time, he laughed along. It was a reminder of the past, something everyone clung to.

They all stayed chatting well into the night because they were all absorbed in each other’s company. When the clock struck two in the morning and the kids were sleeping heavily on their carers, people started to leave. Groups at a time left, the Hall emptying out, the people leaving jolly and tipsy too.

The trek back to their house took longer than usual. The alcohol in all of their systems had affected them a lot more than they expected because it had been so long since they had had alcohol. They walked back, stumbling into each other and giggling as they left trails of footprints in the thick layers of snow.

Occasionally, Alec pressed Magnus against a wall or a lamppost, and kissed him fully. Snow no longer fell but the romance was still in the air and Alec could feel it. He wanted Magnus’ warmth, he wanted the feel of his hands across his body and underneath his shirt. He wanted Magnus. Being in public, however, that was not the place to show that.

Back home, everyone collapsed in the front room, all limbs and bodies on top of each other as they were too exhausted to care. Alec didn’t know who his legs were resting on, but he knew his head was on Magnus’ chest, his head rising and falling in time with his breathing. The rhythm lulled him to a deep sleep where everything was good and peaceful.

The rest of the winter went by slowly. Snow fell heavily almost every day but it once again started to turn to sleet and melted away. However, that meant more ice and, therefore, even more danger. There wasn’t a lot of visiting of other people or leaving the house at all. Ice was slippery and slippery meant falling over. That was not what people needed.

When the ice finally melted and the first sign of spring was in the air, people started to get back into the swing of things. Jobs were going again and the clouds started to break up to show the blue that had gone from their world for weeks. The trees took longer to spurt than usual, but the end of the world meant a lot of things changed and Alec did not bother asking questions about such.

Alec awoke early on a Thursday morning, eager to get ready for his second Run of the week. After he dressed in his gear, he gently roused Magnus and kissed him goodbye.

“Stay safe, my love,” Magnus said, looking at Alec through half-lidded eyes.

“I always do.” Alec kissed Magnus again before he got up and left.

It was still dark outside but there was an amber glow in the sky that hinted to the sun being on the rise. On his way to the Armoury, Alec saw Woolsey exit his own house and decided to wait for him.

“Good morning,” Woolsey greeted.

“You’re later than usual,” Alec commented after they began walking together.

“I was up late arguing with Ralf, missed my natural alarm as it were.” Woolsey ran a hand through his hair.

“Everything okay?”

Woolsey nodded. “Yeah, we always argue. Our brotherly bond isn’t great.”

Alec paused. “Where are we going today?”

“In the forest just out there, I recall there being log cabins or something like that, and Construction need the wood.”

“That’ll take a lot of work, won’t it?”

“We won’t deconstruct them today, we just want to find them. When we find them, we’ll bring more manpower to take everything we need.”

The two reached the Armoury and went inside to find most of the Runners already there. They were arming themselves with guns, knives, axes, and the like, so Alec gathered his bow and arrow as he had taken well to them, and a machete too. He assembled it to his person and before he knew it, they were all off, Alec sat in the passenger seat next to Woolsey with Joseph in the back.

On the way, the three didn’t speak much, leaving Alec to stare at the world as it passed by. Up above, the sun had risen and it illuminated the sky. Everything was alive and beautiful for a moment. With the trees just beginning to bud and flowers starting to bloom, it really was stunning.

Then it wasn’t. Across the way, a herd could be seen drifting along an empty road, all tattered and rotted and dead. The lifeless way they dragged along, endlessly stumbling reminded Alec that, if even for a second you forgot the evils of the world, you just had to glance outside and you would see.

They continued driving, Alec watching the pack as they heard the vehicles and attempted to follow. In the wing mirror, he watched as their weak bodies disappeared behind the horizon, too slow to keep up.

Along the journey, walkers were dotted here and there, each and every one attempting to follow the cars as they passed but none of them succeeding. When they were close enough, Alec studied them in their dead state. Some had parts of their faces missing, others had no arms, one didn’t have any eyes whilst another had one hanging from its socket. All of them were unrecognisable, they weren’t people any longer.

Once upon a time, they were. Now that they had passed on and come back, they had lost all of their humanity. They were easier to kill but it was devastating to see that the people they once were had gone to a different world. Now they wandered the Earth until someone had the time to kill them.

Upon arrival at the forest’s edge, they all got out and killed the two walkers that roamed towards them. They split up into teams and Alec was in a four with Joseph, Lori, and a girl called Sophia who didn’t speak much. Alec was leading them with the walkie-talkie at his hip and they went off in their set direction in search of the log cabins.

None of them really spoke, the four were focused fully on their destination and on any sign of danger. When a lone walker did come their way, they let it come close before they stabbed it through the skull. They had to be silent to make sure they didn’t miss a thing and they wanted no attention drawn to them.

Sometimes, however, they had to forget about that rule.

“I think Maia’s become a little lenient lately,” Lori said as she came around a large trunked tree.

“I don’t really pay attention to that,” Joseph said.

“It’s totally because she’s distracted by love,” Lori was pressing the subject to give way to gossip. “Don’t you think, Alec?”

“Huh?” Alec wasn’t concentrating on their conversation.

“About the fact that Maia loves both Bat and Jordan and she’s distracted by them.” Lori waited for Alec’s reaction.

“Is that really any of our business?” Alec still failed to care.

“She is our leader.” Lori wanted to justify herself.

Alec sighed. “She still deserves a personal life.”

A walker approached from the left and Alec went to it, removing his machete from its casing as he went. He slashed the blade down and split the top of its skull, blood spraying the surrounding trees and oozing out of the wound. After removing the machete, Alec wiped the blood on a nearby tree and returned to his group who were arguing now, Sophia included. They weren’t being loud but they were being petty and annoying.

Although Alec wanted to tell them to shut up, he carried on moving, ignoring them. If they weren’t being alert, he had to be.

Deeper into the forest they went, walkers appearing more frequently as they did. The fact they were still making a lot of noise wasn’t helping but Alec was getting a kick out of killing so many of the dead, so he let them carry on. He needed the practise, he wouldn’t let himself get sloppy.

The sun had risen high as the heat was coming on. Spring was here but the sun wasn’t easing them in. Alec could already feel the sweat brimming at his temple, and he wiped away. Sweat in the eyes would not help.

As the trees thinned into a large clearing, Alec stopped. The walkie-talkie at his hip was crackling, so he picked it up and pressed it to his ear.

“Everyone… there- one… walk… large- to the left… Be- safe.” The white noise made it hard to make out.

“Shut up!” Alec called and pressed the button. “Could you repeat?” White noise. “Please, could you repeat?”

“There’s… herd… Left, incoming- I don’t know- direction… Be wary. Over,” The voice repeated.

“Who’s on the receiver? Over,” Alec asked, straining to hear. Everything, when it had sounded so quiet before, was amplified. He could hear the wind through the leaves suddenly, everyone’s breathing was screaming in his ears, even his own was bugging him.

“It’s Woolsey… Alec’s group- your way… Safe-.” Then complete silence.

“Shit, the batteries,” Alec cursed and undid the back of the walkie-talkie, trying to readjust the batteries and do anything that might help. It didn’t work. “There’s a herd and I think it’s coming our way but I don’t know where from.”

The others were silent, on alert as fear consumed them.

“Let’s keep going,” Alec decided. “Everyone keep quiet and focused.”

On they went, at a slower and more cautious pace, guns and bow raised. They were being silent, their laboured breathing ringing in each other’s ears. Each twig snap made their hearts stop. Eyes were darting in every direction.

Then, so slowly that none of them even realised it was happening, a soft moaning began to surround them from all directions. Alec halted as he heard it rise and Sophia bumped into him. He couldn’t decipher which direction it came from. His muscles went rigid and his breathing practically stopped.

“What do we do?” Joseph whispered, his voice small.

Alec held his breath in an attempt to hear better but the groaning seemed to increase all over. He swallowed. Sweat ran down his forehead. His grip on the bow tightened.

“Let’s go that way,” Alec said though he was not sure of his decision. “Slow, behind me.”

They walked again. Each step they took seemed to make the groans increase and their blood coursed through their veins. Alec could hear his heart in his ears, throwing itself against his ribcage as the undead sound got louder. Sweat was beading and running down his forehead but he did not wipe it away for he could not face any distractions. The undead were screaming at him but he could not see them.

And then there they were.

At first, Alec could barely make it out but, one by one, they appeared on the horizon. Alec halted again but it was already too late. The zombies were headed straight towards them in a herd that stretched from left to right without a single gap.

There wasn’t a second to process the death in front of them.

“Run,” Alec ordered, and they did.

They attempted to run the way they came but their sense of direction had been destroyed in their panic. Sophia was first to break from the group, running directly for a gathering of the undead that she didn’t see until it was too late. Her scream split Alec in half. He looked back, hoping to see her in a situation that was salvageable but a walker had grabbed her by the neck and pulled her into the mass. She was ripped apart, piece by piece, and Alec couldn’t’ watch.

They continued running but they found themselves surrounded. They started shooting, Alec using his bow to get as many as he could. Plenty went down but there was ten for every one they killed.

When Lori ran out of bullets, she froze. Alec told her to move with them but the panic set deep in her eyes told Alec she couldn’t. As the walkers gained on her, Alec tried to shoot them down but he couldn’t save her.

They moved on and Alec caught a glance of a walker grabbing her arm, digging its fingers into her flesh and ripping out muscle and vein. To save her the pain, Alec shot her and she fell with a thud. They ripped into her like they were coyotes attacking an elk.

They were surrounded. The space they had thinned. Alec thought his time was up.

He saw Magnus’ face flash before his eyes and he wished he didn’t have to say goodbye. He saw the rest of his family and his heart ached. He didn’t want his last moment he had spent with them to be the last moments they would ever see him.

He wasn’t ready to die but, who was? People’s time came well before their time was up and Alec’s was here. This was it. It was the end and Alec had no way to stop anything.

“Let’s climb!” Joseph screamed.

A glimmer of hope shone upon him. Alec gave Joseph a foot up to the nearest tree and when he was on the best branch, he leant a hand down. Alec scrambled up, kicking a walker in the skull as he did.

They climbed up, higher and higher, Alec’s hands shaking as they went. The adrenaline pumped through his body, pushing him higher, pushing him faster. He was getting scratches from the bark and the sharp branches but he couldn’t feel them, he could only feel his blood coursing through him as he climbed branch after branch.

Something snapped. Loud, echoing through Alec’s skull. He lost his footing and grabbed the nearest branch. That snapped too.

Everything slowed down as he fell. He cut his arms, he could feel the bark dig in and rip open his skin as he tumbled down towards the undead beneath him.

Before he lost consciousness, he saw Magnus and his family and he thought, _sorry_.


	5. There to Let You Know That Something is Worth It

> “Don't be afraid of your fears. They're not there to scare you. They're there to let you know that something is worth it.”   
>  \- C. Joybell C.

_Magnus_

_Before_

_The first story of the infection hit the news in early spring. A doctor from Africa was played on the news worldwide, talking about a patient who had died and then shown signs of life again, something about brain activity starting up. No one knew what that meant but there was an endemic soon to be epidemic warning. However, no one knew the symptoms, so there was no panic._

_The second case came from Spain. Footage of someone in a hospital coming back to life after being pronounced dead spread across the internet and news fast. The footage cut just before the undead patient went after the doctor. It didn’t cause much panic though because most thought it was a hoax._

_Although it wasn’t made public news, if you searched hard enough you could find out what happened to those who were bitten. They got sick and they died. Then, they came back. One of those people was sent back to England and, when they opened the casket, the dead person got out and the people rejoiced. Then they were getting bitten and they rejoiced no more._

_When that story hit the news, panic ensued but it was centred to the UK, so everyone else thought they were fine. No one was fine. People lied about the contact they had with those that were infected and they spread it further by dying and then returning. The world didn’t know what was happening until it was much too late._

_The first case in America was in California. A woman had died on the beach and no one had noticed. When she arose from death, she bit eight adults and four children. The story of those thirteen people was followed intently over the next four days as a pandemic warning was being considered. They all died within a week, but they took different times to come back. They_ all _came back._

_It spread over America because doctors didn’t realise that, when the blood was coughed into someone’s mouth or eyes by someone who was infected, the infection then spread. As more and more people died and came back, the world dissolved into chaos._

_Magnus was at work when the warning was given. All screens turned to the news, phones rang and read out the governments’ message. Radios too, televisions, computers, tablets, they all read the whole ‘don’t panic but shit is going down’ message and, in the blink of an eye, panic ensued. All Magnus could think about was ‘where was his family, his friends, and his Alec?’_

_He got to his feet and ran to the corridor to get away. The elevator was going mad because of the high demand, so he made his way to the stairs. He had never run so fast, taking two, three, even four steps at a time until he reached the bottom. The adrenaline running through his body failed to make him tired._

_In the streets, the looting had already begun. Magnus would have joined in because he desperately needed a new jacket, but his love was too strong, stronger than his want. Finding his car in the madness was difficult, getting in was even harder, and driving was impossible. People ran through the streets like headless chickens, there was no space to drive. He would have to run._

_The speed at which he ran felt Olympic. He turned corners without slowing down or skidding, and he slid through gaps of people without even brushing their shoulders. Despite the lack of knowledge as to where Alexander or any of them actually were, he took his best bet to find Alec first; home._

_But he wasn’t there. No one was there. No one had been there since the morning. Magnus cursed but began packing essentials and goods, not knowing at all what he was going to do next. As he went, he picked up his phone and dialled speed dial one. The line was busy so he left a message:_

_“Alexander, I’m at home but I’m leaving now. I’m safe and I really, really need to know that you’re safe too. Please call me the second you can, please. I’m panicking but I’ll find you, okay? I’ll find you. Stay safe.” Magnus hung up and left their home, carrying the things he had collected._

_Outside, he found Alec’s car and worried again, but Magnus knew where he was going next; the Wayland’s. Instead of getting out when it was too difficult to drive, he took side streets and isolated areas, going as fast as he could to the Wayland’s on the outskirts of New York._

_When there, Magnus could tell they weren’t home instantly. He got out all the same however, knocking and ringing the bell. There was no answer, so he picked out his phone again._

_“Jace, call me when you get this. Please, I don’t know where anyone is and I need to find everyone. Call me.”_

_“Biscuit, please help me. I can’t find anyone.”_

_He thought about his next move. He considered going to find his friends and his parents, but he needed to see Alec so he went to the Lewis-Lightwood residence. Back into the City he drove, avoiding the anarchy that made people want to throw their televisions into the streets. Once again, in the apartment building, he found no one was home._

_He cursed a hell of a lot before trying to go back downstairs but, next to their door, he found a woman crying hysterically. Although Magnus had other things to do, he couldn’t just leave her. He had to find Alec, but he didn’t want other people to be alone._

_“Ma’am, are you doing okay?” He asked once standing by her side._

_When she looked up at Magnus, her bloodshot eyes were seeping blood. “I think I’m dying!” She screamed at him and revealed a gash on her arm. “It scratched me.”_

_“I’m sorry,” Magnus said, his voice growing small. “I can’t help you.”_

_Magnus started retreating but the woman grabbed his leg. “Don’t leave me to die! Please!”_

_“I can’t help you. Get to a hospital. Please, I need to go.”_

_“I don’t want to die alone,” She sobbed._

_A conflict played through Magnus’ head. He had compassion and he didn’t want to leave her, but the longer he couldn’t find Alec, the more chance he would lose him forever._

_“Get up,” Magnus said and she did. “Do you live here?”_

_“My girlfriend said she’d be here, but I can’t find her.”_

_“Does she live here?”_

_“Her sister does.”_

_“I can’t wait here, if you want me to take you to the hospital, we have to leave now.” Magnus wasn’t trying to be malicious, just realistic._

_She nodded and they made their way to the hospital. Magnus swerved in and out of streets, passing people and driving over rubble without stopping for a second. Magnus needed to hurry if he wanted to find Alec. He didn’t know where he was, but speed was key. That’s what Magnus hoped at least._

_The hospital was chaotic. People were screaming, bleeding, and dying all over the place. Magnus didn’t want to get out, but she wouldn’t go in alone. He got out, locking the car before he walked the woman over to the building._

_“Are you okay here?” Magnus asked, trying to pry her grip from his arm._

_She shook her head. “Please, I need company.”_

_He accompanied her inside to the desk, people rushing and shoving to get to places quickly. The sound of voices was almost deafening, and doctors and patients alike were yelling about what they needed. Phones rang endlessly and Magnus avoided thinking about calling his own family to ask about their safety._

_The nurse saw the woman’s arm and gasped._

_“You should be in the infected ward, go there now,” She said, voice tight._

_“And where is that?” Magnus asked when she said nothing else._

_She scoffed. “Come with me.”_

_The nurse led them through the hospital where people were desperately running around. The three of them passed ward after ward, one of them containing dead bodies in their dozens and they were adding even more. Magnus did all he could to keep her focus away from there._

_The infected ward was horrifying. No one screamed, the doctors were suited in those big suits, and the patients were either sobbing or speechless. Another nurse took the woman away and another gave Magnus a mask._

_“What’s her name? She’s in shock and won’t answer,” A doctor asked Magnus as they moved to a free corner of the ward._

_“I don’t know,” Magnus answered._

_“How are you related to her?”_

_“I’m not. I found her at my boyfriend’s sister’s apartment building.”_

_“She was alone?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“How did she get infected?”_

_“She said she was scratched.”_

_The doctor started checking her over and Magnus wanted to leave but he suddenly felt compelled to stay by her side. There was a fear in her bloody eyes and Magnus wanted to comfort her. From what he had seen so far, she didn’t look like she was going to make it out of the hospital alive and no one knew where she was except for him._

_“What can you do for her?” Magnus asked after the doctor finished._

_“Since I don’t know when she was bitten and there is no cure,” The doctor said as she straightened up. “What do you think I can do?”_

_“There’s nothing?”_

_“I’m afraid not. We’ll run some tests but her body will just become research.”_

_“Good bedside manner.”_

_“The world’s turned to hell, I don’t have time for compassion,” She said and left with a nurse._

_Magnus sat next to the girl and asked, “What’s your name?”_

_“You don’t have to stay.” Her voice was monotonous._

_“Do you want me to call somebody?”_

_“I don’t have my phone.”_

_“Do you know the number?”_

_Magnus called Tara, Beth’s girlfriend, and told her what was going on. Tara cried and said she was coming with her family right away. Then the two sat in silence, well, those two were silent, the rest of the hospital was still in a state of panic._

_Beth coughed up blood a few times, her face turning paler by the minute. Her breathing soon became laboured and Magnus wasn’t sure how long she had left. She was looking dead already._

_Luckily, Tara came before the fatality occurred. Tara thanked and thanked Magnus but he told her it was nothing. She wanted to give him something but he answered that he just wanted her to be okay._

_He left the hospital after that. He had no idea where his boyfriend or anyone was. At least he had made someone’s life a little better before the end. He leant on the bonnet of his car and closed his eyes, running a hand through his hair._

_No calls, no messages, nothing. He felt completely and utterly alone._

_“Magnus?” A voice, totally recognisable, asked from behind him._

_There Alec was, chest falling heavy as if he had been running. Magnus had never been so relieved in his entire life._

_“Are you bit?” Alec asked, his voice small._

_Magnus felt his eyes watering as he shook his head._

_“I’m scared.”_

_Magnus stood and approached his boyfriend, pulling him tight into an embrace. “Me too.”_

_Right then and there, Magnus promised never to let him stray too far again._

_After_

At first, Magnus didn’t know what was going on. The Runners had returned from the Run much earlier than was planned and Magnus couldn’t figure out why. He asked a lot of people but no one could answer him.

Then he saw it. Him. Alec. Unconscious and being carried by Woolsey in a fireman’s lift towards Conrad’s house. Behind was another boy, not unconscious but in a lot of pain as he too was being carried to Conrad’s.

Magnus froze. Alec looked dead from the distance Magnus was at and he didn’t want to go any closer in case it was true. His heart was in his head and he was struggling to breath.

“Go to him,” Jordan said, approaching Magnus without him realising.

“What happened?” Magnus’ voice got stuck in his throat a few times.

“Just go, Magnus.”

And he did. He ran to Alec’s side as he was set down on a sofa inside Conrad’s house. His hands were cold, his face was cold, _he_ was cold.

“Is he bit? Tell me he isn’t, Woolsey.” Magnus could hear his own voice breaking but he couldn’t stop himself. He knelt beside his boyfriend.

Conrad was rushing around, checking Alec, asking for certain medications, asking what happened, Joseph included in his questions.

“Is he bit?” Magnus asked again.

“Alec isn’t, no,” Woolsey said, placing a comforting hand on Magnus’ shoulder.

A wave of relief came over Magnus. He pretty much collapsed as he held Woolsey’s hand for a moment.

Conrad injected something into Alec’s arm and there were a tense few seconds of waiting. Then Alec took a raspy but enormous breath, his eyes flying open and scanning the room in a panicked motion. His eyes met Magnus’ and there they settled.

“Where does it hurt?” Conrad asked.

Alec’s eyes did not leave Magnus as he spoke. “My head and my neck, my left shoulder and back too.”

“Joseph said you fell hard, smacked your head on a branch which knocked you out,” Woolsey said.

Magnus released Woolsey’s hand and took one of Alec’s between both his own. He squeezed it hard, beaming at his boyfriend as his eyes teared.

“Put this under your head.” Conrad offered a pillow. “I’ll be back with some pain meds after I check on Joseph.”

As Alec was in too much pain, Magnus gently pulled up his head and placed the pillow down. Once Alec had settled again, Magnus took his hand and pressed his lips repeatedly over the skin. Alec smiled with half-lidded eyes.

“You were supposed to stay safe, you fool,” Magnus said, tears threatening to spill.

Alec cupped Magnus’ face with his free hand, despite the pain. “I’m not dead yet.”

For fear of crying, Magnus rested his head again Alec’s chest. He could feel Alec immersing his hands in his locks, keeping Magnus close.

“I can’t believe you’d worry me like that,” Magnus said, his voice muffled by Alec’s body and through the tears.

Alec let out a laugh, a pained one. Magnus felt it vibrate through him. “I do hope you can forgive me.”

A deep breath left Magnus’ lips as he sat up straight knowing fully well there were tear streaks down his face. One of Alec’s hands wiped away the tears before holding Magnus’ hands again.

“I’m just in pain, Magnus, I’m not dying. Please don’t get upset. I don’t like seeing you like that.” Alec’s voice was soft.

“I don’t like seeing you in pain.” Magnus smiled in sadness.

They paused for a moment and then they kissed. It was tender and gentle, there was no heat or passion, just love. Alec still felt cold so Magnus tried to give him as much warmth as was possible in their lingering kiss.

When they parted, Conrad returned and he looked sombre.

“What’s wrong?” Woolsey asked. Alec and Magnus had forgotten he was there.

After removing his glasses, Conrad said, “When Joseph reached down to save you, you pulled him down and he just managed to stay attached to a branch but a biter grabbed his arm. He’s going to die.”

“Raziel,” Alec cursed. “It’s all my fault. Sophia, Lori, and now Joseph. All because of me.”

“Alec, I was the one who sent you in that direction, don’t blame yourself,” Woolsey reassured.

“I didn’t lead them properly, I got distracted.”

“You did fine. Your batteries ran out, that’s on me, not you.”

“I saved myself. The rest are dead or dying.”

“Cut his arm off,” Magnus piped up.

“What?” Conrad asked.

“We’ve seen it done before. If the infection hasn’t spread, you can save him. You’ll probably have to cut the entire arm off, but it might save his life,” Magnus explained.

“We tried it once, they bled out,” Conrad said.

“And he’s just a kid,” Woolsey said.

“So?” Magnus asked. “Would he rather be dead or one-armed? If you try and fail, then you do. But if you don’t try, you’ll never know.”

Conrad straightened up, tense. “Woolsey, go get some people to hold him down, I’ll get the Surgery ready.”

Alec and Magnus were left alone. Magnus kissed Alec’s cheek and Alec smiled.

“How are _you_ doing?” Alec asked.

“Well, considering I haven’t just fallen out of a tree into a pit of walkers, I’m doing just swell,” Magnus said.

“I’m fine, Magnus,” Alec repeated for the umpteenth time.

“I know, I know, I’m just a worrier,” Magnus said for it was true. “I was just-,”

He was interrupted by the door opening with a crash, revealing Jace and Isabelle who were frantic and panting. Their eyes searched the room until they spotted Alec on the couch and they ran to kneel beside Magnus.

“We just heard,” Jace said through heavy panting. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I just fell out of a tree.”

“Who falls out of a tree?” Isabelle asked, clearly trying to joke away her fears.

“Only idiots fall out of trees,” Jace said, smiling out of relief.

“Clearly,” Alec said.

“I sent Leila to go get Clary and Simon, they’ll be here in a minute,” Isabelle said.

“You didn’t need to do that.” Alec sighed. “I only fell out of a tree.”

“You could have died,” Magnus reminded him, a serious tone consuming his voice.

Alec looked at him, a clarity in his eyes. “But I didn’t.”

As Magnus went to say something, a scream ran through the house. Isabelle and Jace looked terrified.

“They’re cutting Joseph’s arm off,” Magnus clarified.

“He got bit?” Jace asked.

The two nodded. The yelling continued for another few minutes and then there was silence. Everyone knew he had passed out but whether he had survived was a question they could not answer. The silence was deadly and no one dared to break it. Not until Clary and Simon arrived that was.

“Alec!” Clary practically exclaimed when she saw him lying down. “You aren’t bit, are you?”

He shook his head.

“I was so worried. Leila came over, yelling something about the Run going wrong and Alec being injured.” Clary spoke very fast.

“I just fell out of a tree,” Alec repeated.

“Dude, really?” Simon asked.

“Into a gang of walkers, Simon,” Isabelle said.

“Oh.” Simon flushed and looked away from everyone.

An hour passed before Conrad returned. Alec had sat up and Magnus sat with his arm around him. Conrad looked ready to collapse.

“I think Joseph will survive, but we’ll monitor him for the night. He is breathing, so it looks good so far,” Conrad said. “I’d like to keep you here too tonight, Alec. I know you think you’re fine but you could have a concussion or something going on inside. Better to be safe than sorry and all that.”

“Just Alec?” Magnus asked.

“Yes, I don’t want you getting him excited, Magnus.”

The six of them ate at Conrad’s house before they left. Simon, Clary, Jace, and Isabelle left earlier to let the other two say goodbye alone.

“Rest well, my love.” Magnus kissed Alec’s forehead.

“And you,” Alec replied and he grabbed one of Magnus’ hands to stop him from leaving. “You know I’m okay, right?”

“You _have_ said it a thousand times,” Magnus joked.

“Do you believe it?”

Magnus cupped Alec’s cheek. “I can see that you’re fine but I worry about you when I can’t see you. So yes, I know you’re okay now but will you be next time? That’s what I’m thinking about. Now go to sleep. I’ll be fine just like you in the morning.”

Alec gave Magnus a smile as he left. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Magnus said just before he left.

Outside Conrad’s house, Magnus found Woolsey resting against the gate.

“I thought you could use a drink after your day,” Woolsey commented when Magnus stood beside him.

After Magnus agreed, the two walked to Woolsey’s house in silence. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, it was supportive and easy, Magnus was glad for it. Thoughts had been rushing through his mind all day, the peace was welcome.

Inside Woolsey’s house, Magnus was given a glass of scotch and the two sat down on opposing armchairs. Woolsey broke the silence by talking about Joseph. He explained that he didn’t know if he wanted it or not but he didn’t have the time to make a decision so he went with it. Apparently Conrad hacked through the flesh and bone twelve times, and Joseph didn’t pass out until everyone had to put pressure on the wound so Conrad could begin to sew up the loose skin he had left. There had been a lot of blood loss but one of the girls had the same blood type as him, so she was donating some.

Joseph didn’t have any family so he was quite alone and that made Magnus’ heart ache. To be alone at times like these made life so much worse. And life being worse led to suicide.

At that, Magnus downed his drink and asked for another. Woolsey obliged and Magnus followed him to the kitchen.

“Do you ever get lonely?” Magnus asked, leaning against a counter as Woolsey poured a second round.

He shrugged. “Romantically I do. I haven’t had sex in over a year, so that’s just great. There are a lot of good people here to keep me company, however.”

“That’s a long time without sex.” Magnus took his drink and downed it again.

“You’re telling me.” Woolsey leant against the counter with Magnus, watching him. “You’re lucky you have Alec.”

“I am,” Magnus contemplated. “But I’m also not.”

“Why’s that?”

“Now don’t get me wrong,” Magnus began. “I love him completely, with all of my being, but I get so scared sometimes. He could die out there or get lost and I’d never see him again. Or I could die and leave him behind. I don’t want him to be somewhere I can’t follow.”

“Wouldn’t that happen even if we weren’t living in the apocalypse?”

“It feels different now. I don’t want to have to shoot my boyfriend because he was bitten and I’d hate to put Alec through that too.” Magnus sighed. “Love, it keeps you going but also makes you scared to do exactly that too.”

“I’ll raise my glass to that.”

They clinked glasses but Magnus didn’t have anything to drink, so Woolsey poured him another one. It burnt the back of Magnus’ throat but it was such a good burn.

“Another?” Woolsey asked.

“Please.”

He downed it again and he could feel the effects already.

“Do you think it’d be stupid of me to push Alec away?” Magnus enquired.

“Why would you want to?”

“It would make losing him a lot easier.”

“Are you sure?”

“If he no longer loved me, killing me wouldn’t be so hard.”

“But you wouldn’t have him any longer. Isn’t that just as tough as having to kill him?” Woolsey poured him a full glass again. “I think that feeling is there to let you know that something is worth it, that _Alec_ is worth it. I think you’re having doubts because you’re scared, and that means he’s worth your fear, if that makes sense.”

“I don’t know, sort of. Everything’s so hard nowadays.” Magnus threw back his drink again and placed his glass down. “I’m so tired all of the time.”

“You don’t look it.”

“I’ve gotten good at hiding it.” Magnus had begun slurring his words. It was also clear that Woolsey was completely unaffected at this point.

“Shall we sit down again, Magnus?” Woolsey asked, taking Magnus’ glass and filling it up yet again.

The two walked back to the living room, Woolsey taking the bottle back with him. They didn’t sit in opposite chairs this time but on the same couch in very close proximity.

“I do love Alec, Woolsey,” Magnus assured.

“I know,” Woolsey said, chuckling slightly.

“But I worry for him.”

“I can see that.”

“I’m so lucky to have him but he’s not lucky to have me.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not a good person.” He paused. “We were talking a while back and he mentioned people who had committed suicide and I told him to never think like that. But, you see, when this all began, I thought of actually doing it. He has no idea about the dark thoughts I have.”

“What thoughts, Magnus?” Woolsey appeared genuinely concerned. “Nothing suicidal still, right?”

“No, not anymore, but I have this reoccurring dream.” Magnus looked at Woolsey, at his beautiful green eyes. “I’m running through a sea of dead bodies, some I know, chasing Alec and then he falls and he slips from my grip. I mean, it’s gotten better and recently he doesn’t slip anymore, but I can’t shake the feeling that that is exactly what he’ll do one day.” Magnus’ words tumbled out of his mouth like he was eager to get everything out. “He should know but I can’t bring myself to tell him.” Magnus added as he found his focus slipping. “I just don’t deserve him.” Suddenly Magnus was watching Woolsey’s lips and licking his own.

“I think you’re being harsh.” Woolsey had taken a slower tone, his breathing now bated.

Magnus found himself leaning in towards Woolsey. “We are supposed to be our harshest critic after all.”

Magnus had leaned in far enough to feel Woolsey’s breath on his skin. He swallowed and he could see Woolsey do the same. Magnus closed his eyes and went even closer.

“Magnus, stop,” Woolsey said and Magnus opened his eyes.

“Why?” He didn’t retreat from his position.

“Because I don’t think I would be able to restrain myself.”

“I’m not asking you to restrain yourself.”

Woolsey was breathing hard as he thought. Licking his lips again, Magnus remained where he was, waiting. He wasn’t sure which way it would go, one way would lead to some intimacy and the other, embarrassment. However, considering Magnus’ drunken state, he wasn’t sure he would react correctly to either situation.

Then Woolsey kissed him. Magnus took Woolsey’s top lip between his own, his lips soft and wet. The taste of alcohol wasn’t strong, but it was there, as was a hint of fudge everyone ate at Conrad’s. His lips were parted by Woolsey’s tongue and Magnus met him with his own.

Magnus brought one hand to the back of Woolsey’s neck, his fingers locking with his long hair. He felt Woolsey’s hands go to his own neck and thigh and Magnus’ breath hitched. Using his free hand, Magnus grabbed his hip before pulling at the fabric to get to the skin underneath. It was warm and smooth and Magnus gripped at the muscle that lay beneath his shirt to force a miniature gasp out of Woolsey.

After a lengthy amount of time at Magnus’ lips, Woolsey moved his mouth down Magnus’ stubbly jaw and to his neck where he bit lightly. Then he sucked, using his teeth. A moan left Magnus, his eyes fluttering in arousal as he moved his hands to Woolsey’s biceps and squeezed the muscle there.

He brought Woolsey’s face back up and crashed their mouths together again. There was a heat, a passion that consumed each other and, although Magnus could feel a deep sense of regret, he continued and avoided thinking about that.

Magnus’ hands went to Woolsey’s buttons and undid them whilst his tongue spent a lengthy amount of time at his lips. The hands that were around his neck went to Magnus’ hair and gripped his black locks as Magnus completely opened his shirt.

They parted, hands still on each other as their chests fell heavy. Magnus pushed Woolsey onto the sofa so he sat between his legs. As Woolsey brought a hand to the back of Magnus’ neck, he pulled him down to lock lips again. This time it was wet, sloppy, lots of tongue and sucking.

Another wave of alcohol came over him, this time bringing a wooziness that forced Magnus to stop for fear of collapsing.

“You okay?” Woolsey asked, his hand still holding Magnus’ neck.

“Mhm,” Magnus replied, blinking fiercely as he leant back down and connected their mouths once more.

Slowly, Magnus rotated his hips, their crotches connecting as their erections started swelling. Woolsey’s hands slipped down to Magnus’ belt, undoing the buckle speedily. Some shuffling occurred as they removed their trousers until they were both nude, Magnus lying atop Woolsey, their bodies melting together.

The rest of the night, though it ended it bliss, was a blur to Magnus. He was sure there should have been something on his mind, but Woolsey was too intimate for him to think about anything else.

When he awoke, his head throbbed. He didn’t open his eyes for a good few seconds, his head rushing around to try and recall what made his brain hurt so much, but no conclusion came. It was just before he wanted to open his eyes that he realised he was lying on someone, their chest rising and falling beneath him. With no recollection as to who it was, his eyes flew open.

After adjusting his head, he saw Woolsey. A _naked_ Woolsey. And Magnus was lying on his chest, also naked, with no memory as to why. Woolsey was still sleeping, so Magnus attempted to manoeuvre off of him but he failed to not stir him. As Woolsey stretched, Magnus sat up and watched as Woolsey opened his eyes.

When he did, he raised his eyebrows at Magnus, lying naked between his legs. “Good morning…” Woolsey said, his voice slow in sleep.

“I have a few questions,” Magnus said, his voice tight. Both because of fear, and also because of the headache consuming him.

“Okay,” Woolsey said, rubbing his eyes to wake himself up.

“Did we fuck?”

Woolsey nodded.

Nausea filled him, though he was not sure which cause led to that.

“Why do I have such a headache?”

“You drank quite a lot last night. Considering you haven’t drunk that much in a while, it went straight to your head.”

“I can’t remember a thing.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself.”

“Why aren’t you hungover?” Magnus asked, confused as to why he wasn’t getting dressed and leaving the second he could, confused as to why this felt so normal.

“I’m somewhat of an alcoholic,” Woolsey said with a smile, though it wasn’t funny. “I’ll get you some aspirin.”

Woolsey stood after Magnus sat up and pulled on his boxers before going to the kitchen. Magnus took this opportunity to dress completely and, once he felt truly alone, he almost broke down. He had cheated on his beloved Alec. Even if he was drunk, there was no excuse. No excuse for betraying his trust like that.

Magnus felt like scum, like he had done the worst thing possible. Even though there was a small part of Magnus that thought Alec would be better off if he pushed him away, he never wanted to do it. Alec was his, and Magnus would never let that go. So why did he feel like he already had?

Woolsey returned with a bottle of water and two tablets. Magnus found it hard to look away from his glistening abs and haired chest.  His heart sank lower than rock bottom.

“Woolsey,” Magnus began after he took his medicine. “I’d appreciate it if you, perhaps, didn’t tell Alec about this.”

“You think I would?” Woolsey gave Magnus a smile. “I actually wanted to apologise.”

“For?”

“I think I may have taken advantage of you in your worried and drunken state, I don’t know.” Woolsey sat down and ran a hand through his own hair. “I was a little inebriated myself but that’s no real excuse. I got the feeling you were lonely and, as you are one of the most attractive men I have ever seen, I was desperate to see where I could get. It wasn’t my best move, and not yours either, but desperate souls do desperate things and, yeah, we shouldn’t be hung up over it. I won’t judge you and I won’t say anything either. I just hope you can forgive me”

 _“_ It’s both our faults, I won’t hold a grudge,” Magnus said. “I’m sorry, too.”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you, Woolsey.” Magnus sighed. “I should probably go.”

The two stood at the same time and, before their awkward pause got too long, they hugged. It wasn’t a particularly long hug, but there was a lot meaning to it. It should have, perhaps, been awkward considering Woolsey was barely dressed, but it wasn’t.

“I hope you can forgive me for being such a fool,” Magnus said into Woolsey’s ear.

“Only if you can forgive me, too.”

They parted and smiled at each other before Magnus left. The way home seemed longer than it usually was. His mind was running too fast for him to cope with. None of the thoughts were very good.

Maybe he did think pushing Alec away might help them both cope with their deaths but he never believed he would act on that. Alec was the love of his life, hurting him was completely the last thing he ever wanted to do. He was sick to his stomach because of the mistake he had made. Facing Alec would be near impossible.

Back at home, Magnus found Jace making breakfast and Clary, Simon, and Isabelle waiting for him.

“Were you with Alec last night?” Clary asked when she saw him.

Magnus obviously couldn’t tell them the truth so he nodded.

“Even after Conrad told you not to,” Jace said, clicking his tongue. “Very naughty.”

“Yeah, perhaps don’t bring it up. Alec’s worried we might get caught. You know how, uh, nervous he gets,” Magnus said, hoping dearly that they wouldn’t mention anything to Alec.

“Our lips are sealed, my friend,” Jace said, gesturing locking his lips shut.

A sigh of relief came from Magnus but the other four thought it was for a different reason, the real reason probably not even fathomable to them. He sat down at the table with the others and tried to calm his nerves and pretend that everything was normal.

When Alec walked, or rather _limped_ through the door, Magnus felt his heart stop in its place between his ribs. He had to act normal, he had to act the way he was meant to. He was going to forget the crush he had on Woolsey and focus on the love he had for Alec. That was what mattered.

He stood and hugged Alec close. He looked pale, paler than usual, and his eyes were heavy, but he was awake and he was walking, and Magnus loved him. He did, he loved him. Alec hugged him back tight and, for Alec, they were hugging because he had almost died, for Magnus, they were hugging because he needed to reassure himself that he was still there and that he was still Alec’s and that Alec was still his.

He kept him close for the rest of the day, Maia saying the two of them could take some time off considering everything that had happened. They sat on the sofa for the entire day, not leaving each other’s side, and just chatting and enjoying each other’s company. Magnus needed that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm going on holiday today, which means there will be no update next week. Sorry.
> 
> I also realised after posting the last couple of chapters that there may be some people reading this that are solely from the 'Shadowhunters' fandom, and that they might not have read any of 'The Shadowhunter Chronicles'. Hi if you are, but I realised that you guys won't have any clue who Woolsey or Maia are or any of these characters or future characters either. So, if you do ever read those books, you'll be in for a pleasant surprise because Woolsey comes off a little like a rapist in this because of the fact Magnus was drunk. He's not like that in the books. I love Woolsey a lot actually. He's not a rapist, so please, if you haven't read the books, do not get any preconceived ideas about his character, he's a lovely character. So, if you are from the 'Shadowhunters' fandom and you don't know who many of these or the future characters are, know that they might come off a little differently to how they are in the books because I adore the nature versus nuture argument and that usually plays a large role in all of my fics. 
> 
> Sorry about the two week wait, but I hope you're enjoying it so far x


	6. It Was a Mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I'm back, je suis retournée and all that. Thank you all for being patient with me, I hope the wait wasn't too long.
> 
> Also, sorry to leave it on such a depressing chapter, but if it's an consolation, the angst being experienced right now is minute compared to what they experience later on, though I'm not sure that's going to be helpful to anyone.
> 
> Anyway, thank you again for being patient, and I hope you enjoy x

“It was a mistake," you said. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you.”   
**―** David Levithan, _The Lover's Dictionary_

_Alec_

A couple of weeks after falling out of a tree, Alec had recovered well. His back was fine, his head was fine, and the cuts he had received had all healed and he was okay. He felt ready to go back on the Runs, but Woolsey wanted him to continue resting even though he assured everyone he was completely fine.

The same could not be said for Joseph. He had woken up two days after having his arm lopped off and he had started crying instantly. He was so young and to be changed so much because of Alec being stupid, it was so unfair, but there it was. He was alive but he wasn’t happy with himself.

He hadn’t wanted to sit up or do anything, but Conrad had encouraged to him to do so and he got there. He had to adjust and Alec still hadn’t managed to face him. The guilt was too strong in his heart and in his head, and he didn’t want to see it because if he saw it, it would be real. Alec never wanted to think he could do that to a person.

Magnus kept assuring him that it wasn’t his fault, but it was. If Alec hadn’t slipped, Joseph would still have two arms, and now he only had one and he had to learn to live again. It was hard enough learning to live with the walkers, now Joseph had to do it again in an even tougher situation. Alec felt like the guiltiest person on the planet.

“Darling, I love that you care so much,” Magnus said after they had woken up one morning, Alec not having slept because of his concern. “But you need to stop. It’s going to eat you up and there’s already too many things trying to do that out there, don’t let yourself to do that too.”

“But he’s all messed up now. He hates himself, Magnus, and that’s on me.”

“No, it’s not.” Magnus cupped his cheek and Alec pressed his face into his palm. “It’s not, sweetheart, and I hate seeing you like this.”

“Every time I go outside, I panic because I might see him.” Alec could hear his own voice sounding weak but he couldn’t help it.

“You’ll have to see him sometime. We’re here to stay, you can’t avoid him for the rest of your life.”

“He hates me.”

“How could you possible know that?”

“Because it’s my fault.”

“For starters, it’s _not_. Unless you caused the walkers to climb into existence, then this isn’t your fault. And he doesn’t hate you.”

“He has to blame me for it.” Alec chewed his lip and sighed. “I feel so bad.”

“Oh, my sweet, sweet angel, please get passed this. I need you to be my strong Alec again.” Magnus sat himself up and kissed Alec on the lips in a tender manner.

Alec could feel the reassurance behind it, the way Magnus was clinging to him, desperate for him to be confident in himself again. It wasn’t necessarily that Alec had lost confidence, it was just that he felt like he had done wrong to poor Joseph and Alec couldn’t live with himself knowing that it was his fault that he only had one arm.

They broke apart and hugged, Alec wrapping his arms around Magnus and Magnus doing the same. He was warm, the way he always was after he had woken up, all cute and snuggly. His hair was messy and his eyes were half-closed and he was natural and beautiful. Alec loved him.

Now that they had the time and the supplies to shave, Magnus had sculpted his facial hair to the perfection that Alec had come to know before the apocalypse began. When Magnus’ facial hair was on the wild side and Alec had a damned beard as well, they looked like very different people.

But because of this town that they were able to live in, they were becoming who they were meant to be, who they should be again. No matter what he looked like however, Alec loved his Magnus. He was always there for him, he was always beautiful, he was always his.

They pulled apart and Alec could see a certain sadness in his eyes. Brushing stray hairs across Magnus’ forehead, Alec asked, “Why do you look so sad, Magnus?”

“Hm?” Magnus had clearly not been expecting the question.

“Why do you look so worried all the time?”

Alec had noticed it over the past couple of weeks, a certain panic or concern deeply set within him. There was a lacking in his confidence, something Alec never expected to arise in Magnus, even after the days of the undead began. Sure, bad things happened, but Magnus would never lose his confidence. Alec couldn’t let that happen, no matter what.

“I don’t, darling.”

“Magnus,” Alec pressed.

“It’s nothing really, sweetheart.” Magnus took Alec’s hand and idly played with his fingers. “You fell out of a tree.”

“And now I’m here.”

“And now you’re letting worry consume you,” Magnus said.

“That’s why you look so sad?”

“I better not look that sad,” Magnus said, attempting a smile. “That gives you wrinkles.”

“Be serious for a moment,” Alec said, as light smile upon his lips.

“Okay.” Magnus let the smile he had die.

“I’m fine, physically maybe not mentally because who is nowadays.” Alec sighed. “I’ll get over it, all right?”

“Are you sure?” Magnus worried at his lip.

“I hope so.”

They went outside after dressing and getting ready for the day. Spring was in full swing, the air was crisp and fresh. Trees were growing greener by the second and there was finally grass covering the land. Alec liked spring, everything came back to life and it wasn’t in an undead manner. It was so much better than the other seasons, in Alec’s mind anyway.

The two of them walked hand in hand, admiring their new home and everything was all right. The trees were budding and swaying in the breeze, lightly and freely. It was calm and peaceful.

Well, not everything was. Every time he went around a corner, Alec tensed because he didn’t know who was going to be there. Magnus could sense him doing it, but Alec was glad he didn’t say anything.

He knew he was being irrational, but he couldn’t help it. If the roles were reversed, Alec knew he would probably blame Joseph for it even though it wouldn’t have been his fault. That was human nature, it made coping easier if you didn’t blame yourself, so Alec totally understood if Joseph blamed him. But he still didn’t want to face him.

However, it came to the point where he had no choice. Joseph came around the corner after Magnus and Alec had begun walking towards the Food Hall to get some late breakfast and it would have been foolish to turn around, even if Alec desperately wanted to.

His heart stopped and the only reason he kept walking was because Magnus had a hold of his hand and was making sure he didn’t stop. Alec wanted to look at his face, look him in the eye, but he couldn’t help his gaze falling to the shoulder where the arm should have been.

It was just a stump, cut off below the shoulder joint. It was wrapped in heavy bandaging that went underneath the shirt he was wearing. It seemed so out place for the last time he had seen Joseph, he had both arms and was climbing a tree to escape certain death. Now here he was, with one less arm, not really fitting in.

And he was so young too, barely sixteen. Sure, that meant he had the time to adjust, to learn to live with one arm, but it still felt so wrong. Life was full of tragedy and Alec felt like he had added to it. Not only was Joseph’s arm lost, so were two people; Sophia and Lori.

There had been a funeral for them both, without their bodies. According to everyone, it had been the first funeral for almost six months. People were devastated, their families distraught. Somehow, it was worse than when people had died back in the world before the apocalypse and Alec didn’t quite know why. Alec thought it should be easier as you expected it, but it wasn’t.

Perhaps that was because, for the most part, there weren’t bodies to bury. Perhaps it was because there was no dignity in being eaten alive by the dead, but then again, there wasn’t any dignity in death anyway. There was just something about death now, something about the fact that people were trying harder to survive which made it harder when they didn’t.

Joseph locked eyes with him and Alec felt like the entirety of time froze. The next second passed and it felt like an eternity. Alec didn’t know which way it was going to go but he was desperate for some kind of reaction, for Joseph to do something, be it smile or punch him. Either way, Alec would feel better.

He didn’t expect him to smile like he did. It was bright, happy, and full of life. Not only did Alec expect him to hate him, but he thought he’d be depressed because of the situation he had been left in. And yet he was happy, coming over to Alec with almost a skip in his step, a cheerful Woolsey by his side.

“Hey, Alec,” Joseph greeted and went in for a hug that Alec was not expecting.

“Hey,” Alec responded after they had parted, bemused.

“I haven’t seen you in a while. I’m glad you’re okay,” Joseph said, practically giddy.

Alec was at a loss for words. He was asking about _Alec’s_ health and wellbeing and not taking into account at all that Alec hadn’t lost a limb. He couldn’t get any sounds out of his throat and Joseph did not seem at all fazed by that.

“How’s your head feeling?”

“Fine. Yeah, just fine,” Alec answered, everything he wanted to ask getting stuck in his throat.

Joseph paused.

Alec paused.

Both Magnus and Woolsey paused.

“How are you?” Alec managed out quietly.

Joseph smiled again. “I’m doing awesome. The arm thing kind of sucks but I’m not dead. When they were hacking at me, I wasn’t sure because I didn’t think it would work, but now that I’m still here, I’m so glad they did it. Thanks for suggesting it, Magnus.”

“You are incredibly welcome,” Magnus said.

“He’s been adjusting well,” Woolsey said.

“I’ll be a skilled tennis player in no time,” Joseph joked.

“Do they usually need more than one hand?” Magnus asked.

“For balance maybe, I don’t know.” Joseph shrugged. “I’m going to go try and shoot a gun with one hand. I know it’s all a little fast but hey, what else am I going to do?”

“Good luck,” Alec said.

“See you later.”

Woolsey and Joseph parted and Alec felt lighter. Magnus smiled at him.

“You look happier.”

“He doesn’t hate me,” Alec said.

Magnus brushed the hair out of Alec’s eyes. “How could anyone hate you?”

Alec scoffed and continued walking. “You’re just say that because you like my dick.”

Alec could hear Magnus laughing gently behind him. “You aren’t wrong there.”

They carried on walking, Alec a lot happier than he was before, and they ate breakfast with a few of the other town members that they were becoming quite close with. They had become a proper community, the six newcomers merging into it all like they belonged there.

Their life, it had become what it always should have been. Sure, there was still a lot of death and a lot of pain, but it was so much less than the death Alec had come to know. People still went through turmoil, but they were safe and they were happy and, for the most part, they had family. Maybe it wasn’t blood family, but this was closer in some circumstances.

Maybe Alec had just fallen out of a tree and almost died, but now he was back and he was with his family and his boyfriend whom he loved more than anything on the planet. He hadn’t died, he thanked Raziel for that because he got to come back to his loved ones.

He had his family behind a wall that kept them safe and that’s what mattered to him. He could trust that they were safe and being able to trust, that was such an important aspect in his life. He had thought his parents and Max were safe, trusted in that, and look where they were now.

Time was passing by so quickly because of how much Alec trusted these people and the safety they brought. When he went back to his Runs, he made sure to be more careful and to always been on the lookout. After the incident had happened, as it always happened, it made one more wary.

Now, Alec was jumping at pretty much every sound and his eyes moved around focusing on every possible danger so fast he could barely even recognise what he was looking at, just that it was dangerous like a low hanging branch or a wasp’s nest. It wasn’t all that fun but he dealt with it; that was the price.

Whenever he went out, he made sure to stay with Woolsey. He found that he just sort of trusted him, especially when they were out there doing their thing. He was well versed in everything survival and Alec wanted to be with him when they were out there because he felt safe with him. He had become a good friend, Alec felt he had more and more of those every day. He liked having friends. He liked being able to trust people like that.

He always made sure he visited Joseph whenever he could. Even though he knew he didn’t blame him and even though Alec knew it wasn’t his fault for the most part, Alec still wanted to make sure he was okay. He wanted him to be okay mentally as well as alive and physically well.

Alec helped him hold a gun with one hand. He helped him learn to do a lot of things with one hand, like eat, prepare food, and all sorts. Even though it was frustrating for him sometimes, he never gave up. Rarely, the smile ever left his face. He was happy, and that happiness seeped into Alec too.

Finally, Alec wanted to appreciate the life he had. Sometimes he forgot that it was a miracle to be alive and breathing. If Joseph was happy as he was in his condition because he found that being alive was much better than being dead, then Alec could too.

Everything was going pretty darn swell for them all, and Magnus and Alec were having a wonderful time together. Considering there was a priest there, Alec wondered if they would finally get married. Magnus had always said, even before the disease began spreading, he wanted security and safety before he got married and Alec could understand that.

Now, they didn’t just have security and safety, they had a priest with a chapel as well. It seemed perfect but Magnus still seemed unsure, not that Alec had asked him. He didn’t want to pressure Magnus, their relationship had never been about that and, if he was honest, he sort of wanted Magnus to ask him.

Perhaps it was the fact he wanted the reassurance that their relationship was just as strong in Magnus’ mind as it was in Alec’s, but Alec didn’t know for certain. He wanted to be asked, but he wasn't sure if that was ever going to happen.

He didn’t need marriage, but he sure did want it. It wasn’t only a demonstration of their love, which Alec didn’t necessarily need but again, wanted, it was also a sense of stability. Nowadays, it was a known fact that nothing lasted so having something that was meant to last forever like marriage was supposed to would have been reassuring. It would have made the inevitability of death less harrowing.

But he didn’t want Magnus to be pressured in any way, he didn’t want Magnus to feel obliged to do something just because Alec wanted it. He felt guilty about it, about asking him, and he didn’t quite know why. If he got too persistent, Magnus would get all closed up, making Alec want to ask more about it and, therefore, not being able to because Magnus would just get worse.

Surely now, however, Magnus would want that too. Alec was going to ask him again. It was late spring, almost autumn, that was a time for change. A change in confidence was necessary. Although, Alec didn’t know why he was so nervous about it, perhaps it was because Magnus still made him nervous or maybe it was because Magnus had been so reluctant before.

“Hey Magnus,” Alec began on a Friday morning since Magnus had the day off to do something about paperwork. It was oddly comforting, doing something as boring as paperwork; boring meant safe. “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Of course,” Magnus said, chancing a smile to him before looking back to the papers he was studying.

Alec sat down on the table next to him. The others were all out of the house at this point, so it was just the two of them. The perfect amount of privacy for such a topic. “You know how, like, we’re in love and stuff?”

Magnus looked at him with both a furrowed brow and a smile. “Yes, I am quite aware.”

“And you know how, when people love each other, they, sometimes, get married,” Alec said and he could see Magnus tense at the word. It was slight but Alec knew Magnus well and he could read even the slightest changes in his demeanour. “I was just wondering if, maybe, you wanted that now.”

“Is that something you want?” Magnus asked, though Alec could tell he wasn’t excited about the conversation.

“Kind of, yeah.”

“You know, I did want to marry you, before all this,” Magnus said, gesturing vaguely to point out the entire world. “But it’s, well, it’s like, it’s never convenient and now, it seems even less convenient. It’s not like I need to marry you to show my love for you. You know how much I love you, right?” Magnus asked, taking hold of Alec’s hand and holding it gently.

“I do, I do know that,” Alec assured. “But I kind of, you know, _want_ to marry you. I know we don’t need to, but it seems so normal.”

“I thought you didn’t want normal? I thought you wanted to adapt?”

“Sure, I do, but this, this is something I’ve always wanted. And now that we’re here, and we’re safe, it makes sense to me. I want to show you that I truly, I don’t know, trust you and the people we’re here with I guess.”

Magnus went quiet and he averted his gaze from Alec’s eyes, withdrawing his hand. Alec watched him, a confusion set heavily upon his mind. He had no idea Magnus was going to react this way. Sure, maybe there would have to be some sort of persuasion, but to be so cold about it all, Alec didn’t understand that.

Alec too went quiet. He didn’t want to deter Magnus from saying anything. Perhaps he was hiding something or on the verge of confessing that he was going to propose literally just before Alec had said something.

They were quiet for quite a while, longer than Alec felt comfortable with which was odd because their silences were always comfortable. He waited for Magnus, intent on making him the first one to talk.

“It’s something you _really_ want?” Magnus asked quietly.

“Yeah. I thought you might want it too, that’s all,” Alec replied in a voice as quiet as Magnus’, though he wasn’t entirely sure why.

Magnus still didn’t look at him. “But, it’s so… unlike us, isn’t it?”

“Why?” Alec asked. He thought it was something they both wanted and he didn’t see why it was so unlike them. Alec came from a traditional family and sure, he wasn’t the ‘traditional heterosexual’ like his parents were, but he still liked the idea of marriage. When he was younger, he never thought he’d find anyone he would want to marry, but here he was. And now the person he wanted to marry wasn’t keen.

“I thought we were, I don’t know, unconventional.” Magnus wasn’t making sense.

“Because we’re two guys?” Alec didn’t know what to say.

“No, no, of course not,” Magnus dismissed with a really, very small smile towards Alec. “More because, I don’t know, we were going to live in a loft apartment for the rest of our lives and adopt a dozen kids and have cats instead of dogs and we were going to take an early retirement and move far away, somewhere hot. Not what is supposed to be ‘traditional.’”

“And why couldn’t marriage have fit into all that?” Alec asked.

Magnus went quiet again. “I don’t know.”

“Is something wrong? Have I, in some way, offended you or something? I’m sorry if I have, it’s just, I feel like it’s something we should talk about. I feel like we’re there, in the right place.”

Again, Magnus didn’t answer. He didn’t even look at Alec. Physically, he deflated and Alec had no clue as to what was coming. Perhaps this was a huge mistake. But then again, why would it be? They loved each other, surely they should be able to have an adult conversation about their future.

“It’s just, my sister got married, my brother got married, and I’m not jealous as such, but I do sort of envy all that,” Alec said. “I know we weren’t ever really set on the idea of marriage, but I don’t think we were ever _not_ set on it either.”

“I know, but…”

“Did I do something wrong?” Alec asked, truly feeling lost.

He had never felt so disconnected from Magnus before. They could read each other perfectly, that was part of their love, their strong bond made it so. This Magnus, Alec could barely understand him. He loved him but he didn’t know what he was thinking, and it was so foreign to him.

“No, there’s nothing wrong. Or nothing you’re doing or have done wrong, as such.”

Magnus wasn’t making any sense. Alec couldn’t understand his words at all. He continued to watch Magnus, furrowing his brow and waiting, waiting for him to say something that finally did make sense.

“I have to tell you something,” Magnus piped up quietly. “But you have to know, it was a mistake.”


	7. Make It Even Worse

> “There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse.”  
>  **―** Bill Watterson, _The Complete Calvin and Hobbes_

_Magnus_

Magnus ended up sleeping in the spare room. Alec, of course, had not taken it well but Magnus hadn’t expected anything else to come of him telling him about his cheating experience. What he hadn’t expected, however, was for Alec to go so quiet.

After Magnus had explained it all, well, _most_ of it, Alec had refused to say a word. Magnus had thought it best to spare the detail that they had actually had sex, and only spoken about the lead up. All he had explained was that he was drunk and that they had gotten close to having sex. He thought that might have been the best option, a half-truth.

And then Alec went silent, everything about him just went quiet. Magnus couldn’t find anything to say. Considering how Alec reacted after talking about the drunken kiss, Magnus felt like it might be too much to tell him about the sex as well, especially considering how it was Magnus’ fault for the most part.

Alec had stood up and left the room in silence, Magnus being able tell he was more hurt than angry. Magnus had broken his best friend and boyfriend’s heart and it hurt Magnus because he never wanted to be the cause of his despair. There was already enough despair in the world, and Magnus had added to it.

If he was honest, he didn’t know why he had even told him. Alec was there, talking about marriage and Magnus had gone and told him he had cheated. Why would he do that? What on Earth made him think that was a good idea? Even after four days had passed, Magnus still didn’t have an answer.

Thankfully, Alec hadn’t told the other members of their household. Magnus could tell they were confused about the sleeping arrangements but they were intuitive enough to not ask about it or say anything. For that, Magnus was relieved because he already had to deal with Alec hating him, there would be no way for him to deal with everyone else hating him too.

And that was the thing, they would hate him because it was his fault. No one forced him to kiss Woolsey, no one else could have the blame. Maybe he had done it because he was scared, but that was no excuse. There was no excuse for cheating, especially when you loved the person you were cheating on as much as Magnus loved Alec.

But the depression and PTSD they lived with and within, it messed up their minds. They did things they didn’t understand, things that would surely baffle everyone around them. Their minds were far too altered to make decisions. They did and said things that just didn’t make sense.

Magnus loved Alec and there was absolutely no doubt in that, but Magnus’ mind wasn't there to make sense of anything anymore. He was thinking odd things because he was mentally ill. They all were. People couldn’t see the things they saw and not be ill in some way or another.

There was no real reason in what Magnus had done. No one would understand it, not really. Not even Magnus could understand it. He had done it, and now he was dealing with the consequences.

When Magnus awoke on the fourth day after he had told Alec about the kiss, he found he was quite alone again; no Alec lay beside him, and so his heart was heavy. He got up and dressed, having left his clothes on the floor next to him, and went to the kitchen. It was a Monday so Alec wasn’t on a Run. Magnus was meant to be out doing his own job but Maia was having a crisis in Stock, so he wasn’t required.

Since everyone else was at work, they met in the kitchen without anyone else there. It was the first time they had been alone in a room together. The atmosphere was heavy to say the least.

Magnus didn’t want to break the silence but he could tell Alec definitely wasn’t going to. He didn’t even acknowledge Magnus when he entered, he just carried on making his breakfast. Each clink of the cutlery and plates reverberated though Magnus and he could hear his heart in his head.

“Hi,” Magnus said quietly.

Still, Alec did not acknowledge him. He didn’t even make any motion to make it known that he had even heard Magnus. If he was honest, Magnus did not know Alec like this. Sure, sometimes Alec showed a hint or two that he could be a jealous soul, but to this extent? Magnus had never seen him like this.

Perhaps that was because Magnus had cheated and that sort of thing, Magnus presumed, brought out the worst in people. Then again, who was Magnus to say what the worst in people was when he had done what he had done? He found himself in a complicated situation that he did not like. 

“Alec,” Magnus pressed again.

This time, Alec glared at him for a second before sitting down and eating his food.

Magnus didn’t know what to do. He felt deflated without much hope in the world. There was nothing he could say, nothing he could do, not until Alec wanted to say something to him, not until Alec forgave him. The real issue was whether Alec _could_ forgive him.

“I told Woolsey I knew,” Alec said, his tone more monotonous than Magnus had ever heard.

Magnus didn’t know what to say. His mouth just kind of opened and he let it do all the talking. Whether that was a good idea or not, Magnus didn’t know, but he didn’t have much choice in the matter. “You did?”

“Mhm.” Alec was not in the mood to be elaborate.

Magnus was at a loss. He knew it was his own fault, he had down the cheating, and now he was facing the repercussions. He could not get angry with Alec, but he didn’t know what he needed to do. Leaving him alone might allow him to mull in his anger and hate Magnus more than was necessary, and if he pressed him too much, Alec would hate him more than was necessary too.

“Do you hate me?” Magnus asked. He didn’t feel like there was anything else to say or, at least, he couldn’t find anything else to say.

“I don’t know,” Alec said. He still didn’t look at Magnus and Magnus hated it. He loved those blue eyes and to see them full of hatred, especially towards him, it hurt his heart.

“Can you forgive me?” Magnus asked and he couldn’t believe how small his voice was.

“I don’t know,” Alec repeated. “I don’t understand why you did it. After I had gone on a Run, fallen out of tree, and almost gotten bitten, after Lori and Sophia had died out there, after knowing that Joseph was going to get his arm taken off, even after knowing how much that would affect me because you know the kind of person I am, you kissed another guy. I just don’t know why you would ever do that.”

“Because I’m an idiot,” Magnus said, trying to be light-hearted but truthful at the same time.

“No,” Alec said and Magnus was confused. “I’ve known a lot of idiots and even _they_ don’t do things like that.”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus said but it didn’t appear to affect Alec whatsoever. He stared on, continuing to eat and ignoring Magnus.

Knowing that was very much the end of the conversation, Magnus decided to leave him be. Nothing good was going to come from him pushing Alec to forgive him. Maybe a break was a good thing, sometimes it helped, right?

Outside, the air was fresh and warm. Everything was in full swing, full of life as it were. That was a lot odder than it should have been considering that, well, the world was full of the dead instead of the living, but Magnus didn’t mind it. He liked the sound of birds and even the annoying buzzing of insects too since it meant that life was thriving.

There were more clouds in the sky than was usual for the season but it was still beautiful. They may have fragmented the azure above, but the blue that still shone made Magnus hopeful, as if the good could still break through despite everything that obstructed it.

However, he would have enjoyed it even more if he and Alec were having a better time. He didn’t see an end in sight, he didn’t even know if there _was_ an end in sight. He desperately hoped so, but everything was in Alec’s hands.

There was bench in the middle of one of the grassy sections that Magnus sat in. Some of the children who, because it was a particularly beautiful day, were allowed a day off from School, were out playing. People who were not working or taking a break were out and about too.

It reminded Magnus of the times he used to sit in Central Park and just watch people go by, Alec usually by his side. For that reason, Magnus did not want to think about it, but he also didn’t want to think about it because he remembered what New York had become.

It was a mess after the infection spread. New York, being so full of people all of the time, meant that it spread quickly. Before anyone knew what was happening, everyone and their mothers were infected, shuffling around the place and eating everything in their path. He remembered seeing Central Park and it was full of the dead. It was not a pleasant memory.

After getting lost in that hateful recollection, somebody came and sat next to Magnus, but it took him a while to even recognise that that had happened. Then, when he realised who had sat next to him, Magnus had a few seconds of both panic and confusion.

“Good morning,” Woolsey said with a gentle smile. He didn’t let his eyes focus on Magnus for long for he could tell Magnus was not in the most talkative mood.

Seeing Woolsey after what they had done together, it was not a great thing. They pretended nothing had happened whatsoever, but did it help? Magnus would have said that it was odd, how comfortable they became with each other after such a thing, but hey, Magnus wasn’t going to complain. All the tension with Alec, it made Magnus crave any sort of relaxed company he could find. If that came from Woolsey, sure, it wasn’t good but it was the only serene thing Magnus could find.

“Are you and Alec…?” Woolsey asked.

In leaving it open, a lot of things could have filled the blank; broken up, fighting, okay, happy? Magnus didn’t know which one he meant, so he asked, “What?”

“Are you and Alec talking now?” Woolsey clarified.

“How do you know we weren’t?” Magnus asked.

“He told me.”

“What _exactly_ did he tell you?” Magnus asked, not looking at Woolsey but watching the clouds pass slowly in the sky.

Woolsey sighed. “He came up to me when everyone was doing gun assembly and it was all quiet, and he said that you two were not talking to each other. I didn’t know why he was telling me everything but, after what happened out there, he always wanted to be by my side. He thought that everything would be better if I was in the lead and he wasn’t and all that, so, yeah, I understood why he might want to confide in me.

Anyway, I asked him why and what had happened and he just went silent. I had no idea what was going on, like, no idea whatsoever. Then he just said it, he just went, ‘I know what you did with Magnus’, and he walked away.”

“He’s out of character at the moment,” Magnus offered.

“It seems understandable,” Woolsey said.

Magnus paused.

“I thought the plan was to _not_ tell him,” Woolsey said and Magnus could feel him watching his every move, not that there were many of them.

“It was and I didn’t want to, ever. But, he started talking about marriage and I remember, the reason most marriages fall apart, the reason my _parents’_ marriage fell apart was because of secrecy. More specifically for my parents, it fell apart because of a secret about my mother’s cheating. I wasn’t going to watch that happen again with Alec and me."

“And how’s the truth working out for you?”

“Just swell. Alec hates me and our conversation this morning, the first one we’ve had in days, lasted about thirty seconds, most of which was filled with silences actually,” Magnus said, his heart aching.

Woolsey released a heavy breath. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. It was mine, all of this was mine-,”

“Not really, _I_ got you drunk,” Woolsey said.

“And I took the drinks,” Magnus said, looking at Woolsey finally. “I was the one who told Alec, that much is on me.”

They paused again. Magnus had to look away for fear of being intimate in his gaze. That was the last thing he wanted.

“I kind of feel lonely right now,” Magnus said, but he didn’t mean it like he wanted to have sex, he meant it in its basest form; he felt alone without Alec.

“I can imagine.”

“Even though the house is full, it feels empty without him. Knowing that he hates me, it makes me feel lonely,” Magnus said.

“Would you like to come back to a house that doesn’t hate you?” Woolsey asked. “-Not in that way,” He quickly assured. “Just as friends.”

Magnus looked at him and could see that he meant it. Clearly, he could tell Magnus needed someone there for him. Whether he would take advantage of that or not was something Magnus didn’t quite know, but he hoped he wouldn’t. Magnus probably would have gone all the way all over again with Woolsey if that’s what Woolsey intended because he didn’t know if Alec was ever going to come back to him.

They walked back to Woolsey’s house, the spring air cool on Magnus’ skin. With everything rushing around in his head, he felt like he was on the verge of exploding, and the gentle breeze made him feel better somehow. It was odd, the things that comforted you in times of need but they were comforting, and that’s what people needed.

Back at Woolsey’s, he got Magnus a drink, water this time, and they sat on the couch and chatted. If Magnus was honest, he needed it. With Woolsey just being a friend, it was exactly what Magnus craved, someone to just talk with him and listen to him and be friends with him. Magnus hadn’t had a new friend in years.

Soon enough, the evening came and Magnus was undecided about whether he should go home or not. If he stayed, Alec would worry, he knew he would, and even though they weren’t speaking, he still knew Alec wouldn’t want to push him away. But if he went back, he’d have to wake up in a house in which his boyfriend was in, but in a completely different bed and in a completely different room too. That loneliness was horrendous.

So he stayed, in one of the spare rooms, and he slept. It was an odd sleep because, whilst he was comfortable in a house that didn’t feel empty, there was no Alec there. He slept peacefully for the first reason, but restlessly for the latter.

And the nightmare came back. It had been returning steadily over the past few days but on that night, it was back with full force. He was running, chasing his Alec who had become _not_ his Alec. There were bodies everywhere but Magnus was focused on Alec who fell over the edge. When he tried to reach for him, he slipped away.

Magnus did not know what that meant but he knew it was not good news. To him, it meant that Alec was slipping farther and farther away. With this issue coming between them, perhaps Alec would never come back.

With the next morning, Magnus felt both emptier and fuller. It was so peculiar because he didn’t know what to feel; having some space from Alec was probably quite beneficial for the both of them, but being so distant made him feel like he was pushing Alec away. Then he was confused because he thought he wanted to push Alec away but he knew he shouldn’t.

The conflict was incredible and Magnus wished he could just sit down and not do anything for a few days, weeks even. And, since Maia was still freaking out in Stock, Magnus did spend his time sat on Woolsey’s sofa. Woolsey said he probably should have gone to check on the Runners but that wellbeing was more important than work, so he stayed with Magnus. The Runners would figure out something to do, they were intelligent enough.

It was nice to have a friend, especially a new one. They could talk about their lives with a fresh memory, talking about things from a new light and perspective because the person you were with wasn’t there at the time. Every time Magnus had reminisced, it was with the other five and they had all been there.

Now, he could tell Woolsey a whole bunch of things from his life before and he could hear about Woolsey’s life too. Hearing about someone else, someone new who had different experiences to the ones he knew already, it was refreshing.

Perhaps it was so refreshing because there was a certain chemistry between them. Even though Magnus didn’t like thinking about it, it was there and ignoring it would have been pointless. If Magnus could restrain himself, then they could use that for friendship instead of sexual intimacy.

If Alec decided they should break up, Magnus could use it for the latter, but then that would be a rebound and rebounds were rarely a good thing. Magnus just wanted his relationship to be okay. He didn’t want to be thinking about rebounds, he didn’t want to give up on Alec. There was a still a chance Alec could forgive him. He needed to hold onto that hope.

When it came to the three o’clock, Magnus felt like time had flown. They were chatting away idly and enjoying each other’s company in its simplest form. Magnus couldn’t have asked for more, it soothed his mind. Sure, he still didn’t know what to do with Alec, but he felt better overall.

Woolsey went to get them a drink, of water, and Magnus watched him go. He didn’t even watch his ass, which was very commendable in Magnus’ eyes. If Magnus was paying attention to him as a friend and not as a sexual option, that was good. It boded well for his and Alec's relationship at least.

“What are you doing here?” A voice that Magnus knew well sounded from behind him.

Magnus turned around slowly to see Alec in the doorway to the front room. There was no anger in his face, no confusion or anything of that ilk, it was hurt. Everything in his face read hurt and pain. It broke Magnus’ heart.

“I’m not doing anything,” Magnus said.

Woolsey came through the door then, carrying two glasses and holding them so that the contents were not clear. Everything seemed to stop; Woolsey saw Alec and his brow furrowed and then he looked worried, Alec saw Woolsey and the glasses and, somehow, he deflated further. Magnus didn’t know where to look.

There was nothing to be guilty about, he hadn’t done anything with anyone, but he could tell Alec was going to think that he had. You couldn’t stop someone from thinking something, you just had to make sure the truth came out.

“You’re getting drunk again with Woolsey,” Alec stated.

Magnus was at a loss for words. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

“No, no,” Woolsey assured, coming over and putting the glasses on the table. “They’re water, I was just getting us some water.”

There was such an odd look on Alec’s face, it was as if he had lost something or as if his mind was going through so much his face wouldn’t even read it. Magnus could always read Alec’s expressions and now he couldn’t. He felt like the earth was crumbling beneath him.

“Alec, there’s nothing to be worried about,” Woolsey said, but no one could know whether he heard it or not.

“I came to ask if we were going on a Run tomorrow considering Stock is having an issue,” Alec said, his tone monotonous and without warmth.

It was odd for him to ask such a thing considering what he was faced with, and Woolsey’s shock displayed on his face. “Um, probably not. I was thinking we would just, you know, train some more. We could probably plan and see where people think would be best to go next.”

Alec nodded slowly, “That’s if you turn up again, right?” His voice was small. Magnus wanted to cry.

“Magnus and I are not up to anything,” Woolsey said.

“He didn’t come home yesterday,” Alec said.

 _He? Am I not even in the room anymore?_ Magnus thought as he stood. “You didn’t want me home,” Magnus said, bringing Alec’s attention back to him.

“I don’t want you _here_ ,” Alec said and Magnus could feel the ice from his tone and his eyes in his heart.

“We haven’t done anything. I slept in the spare room, we didn’t have sex or kiss or anything,” Magnus explained.

“How can I trust you?” Alec asked.

“Because it’s true,” Woolsey added.

“And I’m meant to trust you because…?”

There was a silence that filled Magnus’ entirety. Woolsey could not come up with an answer and Alec was watching him, waiting for one to come. Magnus was looking from one to the other, desperately hoping for someone to say something, _anything._

“Alec, come on,” Woolsey began, his tone much more serious than Magnus had ever heard before. “It was just sex, it was nothing meaningful. He was scared, I was lonely. It happened, but that was it. It was meaningless sex, nothing more. He still loves you, and I’m just his friend.”

 _Shit,_ Magnus thought.

Alec looked at Magnus then, slowly, but he directed his question to Woolsey. “What?”

Woolsey looked from Magnus to Alec, Magnus could feel the weight of his eyes as his own were set on Alec’s, panic stricken as the light from Alec’s died. Magnus wanted to say something or do something. But he couldn’t. Alec looked like he could have cried but he didn’t, he just stared.

“You had sex?” His voice was light, broken.

“Well, yes?” Woolsey confirmed, his brow furrowed. “I thought Magnus told you…”

“He told me you kissed,” Alec clarified.

“Oh,” Woolsey said.

Magnus could hear the disappointment in Woolsey’s voice, and see it in Alec’s eyes. He felt like he was the worst thing on the planet. He felt like scum. He felt like an idiot. He went numb, and then he didn’t feel anything.

“You fucked him?” Alec asked. You know when people get so angry their voice takes that lower note like it’s the thunder rumbling before the lightning crashes? Yeah, Alec was doing that.

Now it was Woolsey who was at a loss for words. Alec was staring at Magnus but there was an emptiness in his eyes. Magnus’ mouth was opening as if he was going to say something but nothing was coming to mind.

“Magnus, you fucked him?” Alec asked, staring almost through Magnus instead of at him.

Still, Magnus couldn’t say anything. Was there anything to be said? Could anything rectify the situation? If there was, Magnus certainly couldn’t find it.

“Was this why you never wanted to get married?” Alec asked and Magnus could detect tears in his eyes.

“What?” Magnus said, although his voice barely allowed it.

“Do you not love me anymore?” Alec’s voice broke slightly.

Magnus felt every bit of warmth and hope leave his body. “Alexander, you know I do.”

Alec shook his head. “I don’t.”

Magnus had no idea what to say. He needed to reassure Alec that that was not the case whatsoever but he couldn’t muster it within himself to do that. He loved Alec more than anything on the entire planet and if Alec thought that he didn’t, Magnus would give up on all hope of living.

“Did I make it even worse?” Woolsey asked after the silence had captured the entire town.

“Maybe you should just stay here tonight,” Alec said.

“Do you want me to?” Magnus asked, his voice smaller than ever.

Alec shrugged. “I don’t think you care.” He blinked the tears away.

“Of course I do,” Magnus said but it felt hopeless.

Alec shrugged again and left. Magnus wanted to follow him, he wanted to say something, he wanted to move, but he couldn’t. Every ounce of him, every fibre of his being had frozen and all he could do was watch Alec leave.

It was like watching him walk out of his life, and maybe that was what he was doing. If Alec had decided this was it for them, then that’s what it would be. Magnus was powerless and it was so utterly devastating, but what could he do?

Woolsey came up to him and helped him sit on the sofa, sitting next to him with a friendly arm around his shoulder. He was saying something, trying to calm Magnus down but Magnus couldn’t hear him. The only thing he could hear was his own thoughts that were, well, empty and devoid of everything. He had gone deaf to the world because he was giving up.

Life was not worth living if Alec was not a part of it and it was Magnus’ fault. He had gone and fucked it up by getting drunk and fucking Woolsey. Now, because he had told Alec only half of the truth, he had fucked up everything even more. Magnus didn’t know what to do or even if there _was_ anything to do.

He just wanted Alec, and he had lost him.


	8. Convince Your Heart

> “The most confused you will ever get is when you try to convince your heart and spirit of something your mind knows is a lie.”   
>  **―** Shannon L. Alder

_Alec_

Having his friends to talk to and be with was probably the best thing Alec could have ever asked for. He always needed his friends, whether it was before or after the disease spread, he would always talk to them and have them there, Jace and Izzy especially before Magnus came into his life and he was added to the list. They were his anchors, the people that kept him sane.

When he had first heard what Magnus had done, he had not told his friends. If he was being honest, he didn’t know why but, perhaps, he thought it wasn’t such a big deal. There was a small part of him that didn’t think it was even true and, by not telling them, he was trying to convince himself that it hadn’t happened at all.

But then he had found out the whole truth and he couldn’t keep it in any longer. Everyone had reacted differently when he told them; Jace had gotten angry, Izzy was practically offended, Clary couldn’t believe it, and Simon was disappointed. Alec didn’t want them to say or do anything on his behalf, he merely wanted it off his chest. Jace looked about ready to go find him and punch him, but Alec made sure that didn’t happen.

“He’s at Woolsey’s now,” Alec said to halt him from moving. “I don’t think you want to interrupt them.” Alec couldn’t help the bitter note in his tone.

“He wouldn’t do anything, Alec,” Clary said, but she didn’t sound convinced.

“I wish I could be sure of that,” Alec said with a sad smile.

They did that silence thing that Alec knew was because they didn’t know what to say. They wanted to cheer Alec up and reassure him that they two of them would be fine, but they didn’t know what to say because they _didn’t_ know that they would be fine.

“But he still loves you, right?” Simon asked, sounding like he was trying to convince both himself and everyone else in the room.

Before all of this, everyone was sure that Magnus was desperately in love with Alec and that they were the happiest couple that could be. Things always changed but Alec, and everyone else it seemed, thought this was something that would last forever. Now that this had happened, they were not so sure.

Love was meant to last. Nowadays, love was supposed to be even stronger because you wanted your loved ones to survive. People liked reminders of the days before, and if these loved ones came from before, then everyone was desperate to keep them close, for reminding them of what had once been.

It baffled Alec as to why Magnus seemed to be doing the opposite. The six of them were close, closer than family, so if he broke one of their hearts surely he knew he would be pushing everyone away? Why? Why would he want that?

And the most difficult thing about it all was that Alec still loved Magnus more than anything. Maybe it had happened all whilst Magnus was drunk, but it was still a mistake. It was still cheating and it still broke Alec’s heart. Even though that was the case, Alec still wanted Magnus to come home and hold him tight.

He didn’t want to push Magnus away, he didn’t want Magnus to feel closer to Woolsey. What he wanted most was Magnus, _his_ Magnus. Over the past few months Alec had noticed Magnus starting to change. It was small things, but there was something different about him, something unrecognisable.

It was as if he was becoming darker, more closed off. They used to be able to talk well into the night about everything, even after the dead rose. There was always something they could talk about or, when there wasn’t, they sat in a silence that was comfortable.

Something changed, something made Magnus feel distant. They didn’t talk as much, Magnus always wanted to sleep, he never wanted to talk into the night. They didn’t have beautiful conversations in the morning light where Alec could see the sun dappling his boyfriend’s face, shaping the curves and lines.

Their silences always hung over Alec as if Magnus wanted to fill them or as if he didn’t like sitting quietly anymore. He could feel Magnus shifting beside him when they sat together, always yearning to say something. Alec didn’t know why. He didn’t need talking to be comfortable, he needed Magnus.

Whatever was going on with him, Alec really had no idea, which was peculiar. The two of them, they could always read each other and understand each other beyond what a lot of other people could do. Things had changed and it wasn’t something Alec understood.

The world had been altered and it had become unrecognisable to all. Alec never thought that would extend to the people he knew, to the people he loved. Never did he think that would extend to his Magnus.

Alec didn’t know how to answer Simon. He wanted to say, ‘Of course Magnus still loves me. We love each other more than life itself and, even in the face of difficulty and peril, we will always love each other. I still love him and trust him’, but he couldn’t. That wasn’t the truth.

So he didn’t answer Simon. He could read Simon’s face, he could tell that he looked hurt for Alec’s sake and there was disappointment there too, disappointment in Magnus. Alec shrugged, he tried to smile but he couldn’t bring it out of himself. It was like he was losing Magnus with every second that passed.

Then, as if on cue, the front door opened. Everyone froze, knowing who it would be and then, as if the world had switched to slow-motion, they turned so that they could see the front door.

Magnus, Alec’s beautiful Magnus, had entered. He looked more dishevelled than Alec thought was normal. Of course, he was wearing the clothes he had been in when he went out the day before, jeans and a black shirt that was on the tighter side. Alec almost yearned for him, almost wanted him.

The way his hair was messy and his shirt displaying his body, he was looking so natural and rough and rugged, even a hint of stubble playing where it didn’t usually. Alec saw him, he realised, as if he were a different person to the man he had been in love with for the past few years.

It was almost as if this was a different Magnus, and Alec was crushing on someone he didn’t know, yearning for a stranger. That was what Magnus had become to him, and it hurt. He was looking at Magnus as a man he didn’t know, because he _had_ become foreign to him, this was not the man he knew.

When Magnus saw everyone staring at him, his mouth twitched up as if he was going to smile but then he saw the manner in which they were looking, and he did not smile. He saw their judging eyes watching his every move and he froze. He realised that Alec had told them, and their eyes met.

Magnus’ green eyes were full of sorrow, etched with a hint of betrayal. But he couldn’t say anything about betrayal, not with what he had done. Alec maintained the eye contact, keeping steady and focused. He did not want to look away and he wouldn’t.

When Magnus broke the eye contact, Alec continued to watch him. He shifted uncomfortably under the weight of everyone’s gaze and hesitated. The conflict inside Magnus was too internal for Alec to know. Once, he probably could have figured it out but now, after Magnus had become alien to him, he could not even guess.

Magnus turned away from everyone and went upstairs. Seeing him look so unconfident without his usual aura, it pained Alec’s heart. He didn’t like the thought that Magnus had become less of who he was because he had made a mistake. But that was what had happened.

There was a small part of Alec that wanted to go after him, chase him down and talk things over. However, there was a bigger part of him telling him to stay with those he knew loved him. That bigger part may have meant he let Magnus slip though his fingers, but he needed his family.

The rest of the day crawled by. Knowing that Magnus was in the house but an entire floor away was tearing his heart in two. He yearned desperately to go to Magnus but he knew his family were the ones keeping him grounded. With them, there was security and safety, and with Magnus, Alec was unsure as to what would happen.

He knew he was meant to work however, there was something that made Alec think Woolsey wasn’t going to come and pick him up if he didn’t go. And, on the off chance he did, Alec had a few things he could say.

Alec was not a petty man, he was not someone who went against people and spread rumours or did anything like that. This issue, it was between Magnus and his family because he needed to confide in them. So, because of that, he would not tell anyone else, he would not spread anything about Woolsey because that was not the kind of man he was.

That could not be said for the rest of the town, however.

The next week passed and Alec could feel him and Magnus being on a level playing field almost. Sure, they didn’t have any conversations, they did not sleep in the same bed or even the same room, and they did not exchange smiles, but they were better. Sort of.

The rest of the household was still trying to be his friend, they were still trying to make things normal, but Alec could see that Magnus could tell they weren’t being their usual selves. Magnus was quite isolated in what had become his home and Alec didn’t like it but he couldn’t help but think it was Magnus’ fault.

Sure, karma sucked, but there was a reason for it. Alec didn’t want Magnus to suffer, he merely wanted him to know that he had hurt him. A lot. Magnus probably knew that from the get go, but Alec needed to know that Magnus was enduring it like he should. Holding grudges, that was not necessarily his style, but he never expected Magnus to be on the receiving end, especially not for something like Magnus had done.

They were getting better, they could stand in the same room and not argue or say sly comments to one another, not that they did that anyway, but that’s not the point. They would probably recover, right? They would lie in the same bed and Alec wouldn’t imagine him doing the same thing with Woolsey, right? The images, the thoughts, they would leave, right?

Alec didn’t know for sure and that frightened him, but he had to carry on. Life meant you had to carry on in the face of adversity and, despite such a heavy adversity being set in front of him, Alec knew he could go on. Hope, that’s what he needed, and he thought he had it. You have to fake it till you make it, right?

Taking walks cleared Alec’s mind, so he took one on a bright Saturday morning, the feeling of summer well on the way. The air was warm against his bare skin and, whilst the breeze was minimal, Alec still liked it. He could feel the sun beaming down on him, it stuck his hair to his skin but he didn’t care. He liked the sun, he liked the summer, and now it was here.

He hadn’t been to work since he had walked in on Magnus and Woolsey, and no one had said a word to him. He had expected Maia to come to him, ask him what was going on, but there was still an issue with Stock and Maia’s entire attention was stuck on that. He was left to his own devices, which helped.

There weren’t a lot of people out as most were at work or at School, but that was good for Alec too. Every time he left the house, he felt like everyone was staring at him. Perhaps the paranoia had merely settled over Alec in a way he hadn’t known before, but he just couldn’t help it.

Every direction he looked, he could have sworn there were people suddenly averting their gaze as they had been staring at him beforehand. There was no reason for Alec to think that was the case, and yet he couldn’t shake it.

Somehow, he had walked passed the Police Station even though it was such a long way from his home. When he got lost in thought, his feet carried him and he found himself in places he had had no idea he was heading towards. This time, he had been thinking about Magnus’ smile and how much he missed it.

Since he had told Alec about the kiss, it seemed to have disappeared from the world. It was such a beautiful smile, one that illuminated his face, making his eyes shimmer. When he smiled at Alec, there was love in his eyes, an adoration that warmed Alec’s heart. He hadn’t felt that in a couple of weeks. He missed it. He missed _him_.

As he walked by the house, someone exited the Station. One of his favourite people; Rufus. He tried to avoid looking at him, still feeling uneasy about him and his presence, the aura he gave off wasn’t one Alec liked.

When he carried on walking, he could feel Rufus watching him, his gaze like a sniper on the back of his head. He would not, no matter what forced him to do so, give him the satisfaction of looking back. Rufus was an odd man, someone Alec did not like, he did not want to look at his face.

He didn’t have to look back at him, however, because Rufus picked up his pace until he was walking beside Alec, in step with him. Alec gave a small sigh and did not greet him.

“Hello, Alec,” Rufus said, his scratchy voice bugging Alec’s ears.

Alec gave him a slight nod to acknowledge his presence.

“I hope you’re having a wonderful day,” Rufus said and Alec could hear something mocking in his voice.

“Fine, thanks.”

They had walked toward one of the grassy areas of the town. This one was near the School and, according to all of the children now running around on it with the teachers, Clary included, it was lunch time or a break time of sorts. Alec walked towards the grass, hoping Rufus was not going his way.

Apparently, he was.

“You’re not at work today,” Rufus commented.

“Nope.”

“You know,” Rufus began and Alec could hear in his voice that he was smiling or grinning, but he did not want to look at him to see if it was true or not. “I’m an Officer here, one of the Head ones, and part of that duty is sorting out disagreements. Those are the only crimes that really happen here, so they’re not exciting but we deal with them all the same.”

Alec didn’t know where he was going, but he could guess. It knotted inside his stomach, sending an ice through his veins. He set his jaw tight and let Rufus carry on, not intending to say anything or retaliate.

“These sort of disputes,” Rufus continued. “They can happen over a lot of things. Rarely, in fact, never, have they been over _cheating._ ”

Alec tried to regulate his breathing, pretending he had no idea what Rufus was hinting at. He kept his gaze focused on a tree that was still against the clouds moving in the sky, unmoving despite the forces of nature and the rotations of the earth.

“If you need me to try and sort out your issue with Magnus or talk things through, I’m here,” Rufus said but he was mocking him.

Despite the blood coursing through him, Alec tried his best not to show it. He could feel his muscles tensing, he could see the edges of his vision blurring but maintained the idea that he was fine. He would not give Rufus the reaction he was trying to get.

Someone had spoken, someone had said something about what had happened even though it was a private matter. Whether it was intentional or it had slipped out, someone had said something and now it had spread, making it no longer a matter of the household, but a matter of the town. Now Rufus knew.

It wouldn’t have been his family for they knew how desperately Alec didn’t want anyone else getting involved. He presumed it wouldn’t have been Magnus as he had seen how guilty he had looked when he saw that Izzy and the others knew. He couldn’t imagine why Magnus would willingly tell anyone else about what he had done.

That left only Woolsey. Woolsey was trying to destroy his life and his relationship, and he knew how. If people knew Alec and Magnus’ relationship was teetering on the edge of collapsing, then they could interfere or spread word about how fragile they were. Alec hated it when people talked when they didn’t know the truth.

Rufus did not know the truth, he knew a rumour. Piecing together the puzzle himself, he was deciding to prey on Alec, poke fun at the situation he was in despite not knowing Alec at all. It made Alec’s blood begin to boil.

“I would not want to see such a happy couple be turned into something tragic,” Rufus said.

Alec continued looking ahead, the tree he had been focusing on beginning to loom towards him, growing taller than he had thought it would be. He didn’t know what he would do once he reached it, but he wasn’t going to change direction, not now.

The echoes of the children laughing seemed distant even though they were right beside him. He could see Clary looking at him, confusion in her gaze, but he did not look at her. Instead, he was replaying Rufus’ words in his head on a loop. _Be turned into something tragic._

Everything about life was tragic so Alec would not let his relationship with Magnus turn into something like that. Some would not understand why Alec was getting so angry when Rufus was bringing up what had happened, but it was because Alec didn’t want anyone talking ill of his boyfriend.

Sure, what he had done was bad, but it was Alec that was dealing with it, Alec that determined how bad it was. No one else had a right to say anything, no one else had a right to even know what had happened. Magnus was his, no one else’s, and Alec would be the one who got to talk about the ‘tragedy’ of it all.

Rufus had no right.

“Perhaps you need to convince your heart that he is a good person. I know, it’s tough,” Rufus said and Alec was doing his best to ignore him but it wasn’t helping. “But love is love, and I’m sure you can fight for it. However, maybe you don’t want to. Cheating, it’s a terrible thing to do, only the scum of the earth cheat, it’s despicable. I can understand why Magnus would do it, I know the kind of man he is. Scum, despicable, all that and more. He’s a terrible person-,”

Alec spun around to face Rufus. They had reached the tree by this point, its shade cooling Alec’s burning skin.

Rufus was smirking. He knew what he was doing, he knew he was provoking Alec. For a reason Alec did not know, Rufus was antagonising him. Why? Why was he being such an ass? What cause did he have?

“Did I say something wrong?” Rufus asked, his smirk had consumed his face, his teeth baring like a threat.

“Why do you care about my personal life?” Alec asked, his voice deep and dark, quiet to even his own ears.

It did not seem to intimidate Rufus.

“There’s nothing personal about this town,” Rufus explained, casually. Even though he was looking up to Alec, he showed no sign of being threatened. “Everything that anyone does, everyone knows.”

“And why are you so set on bugging me about it?”

Rufus shrugged. “Because I know that you and Magnus are having trouble. I desperately want to help you.”

Alec said nothing, his breathing quickening.

“Magnus, I knew he was bad news.”

“You don’t know him,” Alec spat out, defending his cheating boyfriend whom he loved still.

“But I know he’s a cheater. I know he’s scum.”

Alec didn’t know what happened next, just that his body moved without his head’s permission of its own volition. His fist swung and connected with Rufus’ cheek. Typically, Alec was not a man of violence but even the most peaceful people could be provoked.

Spitting blood onto the floor, Rufus looked back up to him. His cheek was red, Alec’s knuckles were throbbing but there was no pain, not yet. Adrenaline had kicked in and he could have done anything in that moment.

With a drip of blood sliding down Rufus’ lip, Alec could see the anger bubbling inside him. He did not regret it. With the adrenaline pumping through his veins, he was ready to defend his boyfriend’s honour. Every part of him was pulsing, ready to do more if it came to it.

And it did.

In a sudden movement, Rufus swung his entire body forward and tackled Alec to the ground. They fell and Alec’s head smacked onto the floor, pain pulsing through his skull and down his neck. Everything went white as he felt his shoulders and hips throb from where they had hit the floor.

Rufus set himself above Alec, straddling him as he threw a fist down. Mustering the strength from somewhere, Alec swung his head out of the way and Rufus’ knuckles made contact with the tough roots of the tree.

He cursed and brought his hand up, rubbing his knuckles. Alec took this opportunity to sit up and head-butt Rufus with the precision necessary, smacking the bridge of his nose with his forehead. In a dazed motion, Rufus stumbled off Alec, giving Alec room to land another punch, one to his nose this time.

Rufus swore again as his nose cracked underneath Alec’s fist, and he kicked out, his tough boot making contact with Alec’s collarbone. The pain coursed through his shoulder, pulsing where the boot had hit him. It hurt enough for Alec to know decent damage had been done, but he moved all the same, knowing the adrenaline would keep him going.

Alec stood up and Rufus did too, blood coursing out of his nose and dripping down his lip. For a moment, Alec thought they were going to finish, but Rufus ran at him again. Their shoulders smashed together, Rufus solid forehead colliding with where he had just kicked, making Alec swear.

But Alec was taller and he had more strength in his bones. With all of the force in his body, Alec surged forward and threw Rufus against the tree trunk behind him. Rufus’ head smacked back onto the solid trunk, his neck flying back.

He looked dazed, his eyes going wide and he blinked furiously. Alec did not stop. Everything that he had kept under wraps, everything he had held back from saying and doing, it was all coming out.

He kept one hand on Rufus’ shoulder and started throwing punches to Rufus’ stomach over and over again. Everything inside his being was telling him he should stop, that it was the wrong thing to do, but he couldn’t stop. He was punching and punching, his knuckles splitting and blood seeping out.

He could feel a dripping down his forehead and his face, whether it was sweat or blood, Alec didn’t know but he didn’t stop either. He was getting out all of his aggression and Rufus was his medium.

If he could have, he probably would have carried on until Rufus was cowering and kneeling before him, but hands came around his shoulders and waist and were pulling him away from Rufus. Alec didn’t fight it, he let himself be dragged away, knowing it was the right thing.

Without Alec knowing, a crowd had gathered. He saw faces his knew, Clary watching with sunken shoulders, and a lot of faces he didn’t know. His arrhythmic breathing was not calming, even when he saw the children’s faces, the horror that was set in them.

But then he felt a pang of guilt. They should not have had to see that. Alec should have not lost control. His body had taken over his mind and there was nothing Alec could have done to stop it, but he should have tried. Someone was helping Rufus limp away and Alec, not wanting to cause any more of a scene, made his own way home, not talking to anyone else on his way back.

Once he had gotten home, he went straight to the bathroom. His face was covered in blood, his knuckles and shirt too. The pain was starting, a throbbing when blood seeped out and a sore, raw feeling afterwards. He washed, wincing as the water came into contact with the open flesh, but he knew it had to be done. He had brought it on himself after all.

After that, he sat in his bedroom, the curtains closed even though it was still light out. The darkness was a comfort to his blaring mind, screaming at him. If it wasn’t the pain screaming at him, it was the fact he had beaten someone so badly without remorse.

Alec never thought he could be so cruel, so heartless, and yet he hadn’t stopped. He could see the energy leaving Rufus’ eyes, but he carried on. There was a willingness inside him, making him do what he had to even though he didn’t _have_ to do anything.

His thoughts simmered and his wounds plagued him, sore and open. All of his knuckles on his dominant hand had split but he had to let the air get to them to heal. It was sore, a kind of pain that felt like the wind was blowing into an open wound, but Alec would deal with it. He had brought it on himself.

A lot of hours passed and Alec did not know that it had turned to night when it had. He did not notice that the sun had set and the darkness in his room was a deeper one, one without the light of the day trying to break inside.

A knock sounded against his door. He did not saying anything. It was as if he had lost his voice, all of the energy he had used in the fight had left him empty.

The door opened slowly and Alec didn’t know who was coming in. It could have been anyone; Clary to ask what had happened; Jace to ask him if he was okay; Izzy to ask him if he was being an idiot; Simon to ask if he wanted to come down for food.

It was none of them.

Magnus peered around the door after it had only half opened. His face looked younger somehow, as if the guilt of what he had done had taken away his knowledge of the world, taking him back to a certain level of innocence and youth. He was wearing low riding jeans and a short sleeved shirt that made Alec’s heart yearn to touch him, to run his hands across the arms on show. Even if he had the energy to do so, he wouldn’t have, so he didn’t.

“Can I come in?” Magnus asked, his voice much smaller than Alec was used to.

Alec shrugged.

Magnus took a step inside but he did not go any further. He was seeking permission that Alec was unlikely to give.

“I just need to get some clothes,” Magnus said, watching Alec, his eyes full of sorrow.

“Okay,” Alec said.

Magnus moved further into the room and went to the closet. Alec watched him as he took a few shirts from there and a pair of jeans. He didn’t take a lot, perhaps he was thinking Alec might forgive him soon and he would be able to move back into their room. Alec didn’t know.

Magnus turned around and looked Alec in the eye. He wanted to say something, Alec could see it working in his gaze, at his throat, at his mouth that kept opening before it closed again. Alec wished with everything he had left that he would just say something. He wanted them to be okay again.

“You fought Rufus,” Magnus said, suddenly.

Alec did not expect that. “Yes.”

“Why?” Magnus had leaned against the closet, watching Alec.

“He was saying things. Things I didn’t like.”

Magnus was watching Alec intently, trying to push him for more without saying anything. Alec watched him back, knowing he wouldn’t say anything unless Magnus asked. Sure, he had defended him because he loved him, but he was still angry with him. He had still betrayed his trust.

“What did he say?” Magnus asked, quietly.

“It was about you, if you really want to know.”

Seeing the colour drain from Magnus’ face pained Alec’s heart. He hated to see him so vulnerable, with so much doubt consuming him. There was a part of Alec that wanted to stand up and hug him close into his body, reassure him that everything would be okay.

But he didn’t.

“He knows?” Magnus asked, his voice small.

All Alec could do was nod.

Magnus’ shoulders sank and he looked to the floor. Alec went to reach a hand out, to beckon him over to sit on the bed, but the movement caused his wounds to stretch over his knuckles and they screamed at him. He hissed as he brought his hand to his stomach, holding it with his other one.

Magnus looked up to him as he did. Even though Alec was no longer looking at him, he could feel the concern in his gaze. Approaching cautiously, Magnus then sat down on the bed next to Alec, a little way away, watching him.

“Do you need it bandaged?” Magnus asked.

Alec couldn’t help but notice how different he sounded. The once confident, almost arrogant tone had disappeared. Everything he said sounded worried as if he was no longer sure of himself or the things he said. The man Alec had fallen in love, this was not him.

“I don’t want to waste our supplies,” Alec said, not daring to look up into his green eyes for fear he would lean in and do something he knew he should not do.

“Let me help,” Magnus said as he went over to the dresser and returned back to the bed, Alec watching him from the corner of his eye.

He had brought over one of his scarves, a thin white one he had kept from his life before the apocalypse. It had been a beloved scarf, something he held very dear as it was a present from his mother who was long gone now. Alec did not want him to do something drastic because he was desperate for Alec’s forgiveness.

Seeing that Magnus was going to help him no matter what Alec said, Alec sat himself up. His head throbbed as did his shoulder and collarbone and the rest of his body, but he did it all the same.

“You don’t need to,” Alec said, despite the fact he was letting him do so. He finally looked up to Magnus’ eyes, their gaze meeting properly. In such close proximity, Alec could see the flecks of gold and amber within them. They were small, unnoticeable to those who had not studied those eyes for as many years as Alec had.

He looked tired, exhausted. Something was plaguing his mind, Alec could see it working in his eyes. Alec could guess at what he was thinking, but he had changed and Alec did not think he knew him as well as he once did.

Without responding, Magnus took Alec’s hand between his own and started wrapping the thin scarf around it. Although his cuts were not bleeding at that moment, they would likely do so again, meaning they would stain its pure colouring. Why Magnus was leaving such a thing to chance when it contained such a beloved memory, Alec didn’t know, but he didn’t stop him either.

His touch was light, gentle as he wrapped the fabric around his injured hand. Neither of them spoke as Magnus worked and Alec had the time to hear his breathing as he focused. It gave him the opportunity to study his beloved Magnus.

The demeanour he used to carry himself with had been altered. There was no swagger in his walk, nothing that screamed he was a confident man. With sunken shoulders and a bent over head, Alec could see that he held himself differently. He was once such a beautifully confident man and the mistake he had made had changed that. Why was humanity and its conscience so fragile?

Magnus finished it off by tying it together, but he did not let go of Alec’s hand. Alec knew he should have pulled back, he knew he should have said thanks and told Magnus to leave, but he didn’t. Missing Magnus being this close and this intimate, he wanted him near.

He looked back up to Magnus’ eyes and searched them, though Magnus was not giving much off. Hearing Magnus’ breathing become laboured, he locked his fingers with one of Magnus’ hands and squeezed it.

“I miss you,” Magnus practically whispered.

“I miss you, too,” Alec said, bringing a hand up to cup Magnus’ cheek.

Magnus pressed his face into his palm, kissing it lightly before paying his attention back to Alec. There was so much love in his eyes, so much desperation to be near Alec, to feel him again like he once had. Something inside Alec was telling him to give into the feelings that had been overcoming him although he knew it would be a mistake if he did.

This was his Magnus, his beloved and dearest Magnus. No one made him as happy as Magnus did. This man here, in front of him, this was the man he had fallen head over heels in love with. Being almost a cynic when it came to love, Alec never thought he would have a boyfriend that he held dear in his heart.

Then Magnus had come along and changed him and his views completely. It had not been love at first sight, but it had been a deep curiosity. Then it had been a love Alec could have not escaped if he had tried, not that he ever wanted to.

Here he was, in front of him and clearly yearning for Alec to say something and forgive him. And the thing was, Alec wanted to. Every fibre of his being was telling him to say he accepted Magnus’ apology and that they could be together again.

But Alec’s trust had been betrayed and he always held his trust so highly. Without it, Alec would have nothing to go on. He never thought Magnus would do anything that would make him question him, and yet here they were. Magnus had made a mistake, sure, but it was big enough to break Alec’s heart.

“Is there any way you can ignore what I did, and let us be together again?” Magnus asked, hope full in his eyes.

Alec shrugged slightly. “I don’t know. I want to, but what you did… I just don’t know.”

Magnus swallowed and nodded. He understood, though Alec could tell he did not want to.

“I _do_ want to. I love you still,” Alec reassured quietly, brushing his thumb across Magnus’ cheek.

“I love you, too. I’m so sorry,” Magnus said, his voice thick with sadness.

Alec could feel his heart breaking but for a different reason this time. Magnus was desperate for him to be happy again, but he had hurt Alec. That much meant it was in Alec’s hands and Magnus was going to have to deal with it.

And yet Alec couldn’t help but lean forward. The surprise in Magnus’ eyes was evident but that did not stop Alec from leaning in. There was a moment of hesitation, their breathing laboured against each other, before Alec pressed his lips to Magnus’.

It was soft despite both of their lips being chapped. They didn’t move against each other, they didn’t press their tongues against the other’s, but they stayed together, Alec’s hand traveling into Magnus’ hair and interlocking with its locks.

After releasing Alec’s hand from between his own, Magnus hesitantly went to place it on Alec’s hips. Alec gasped at the contact, not expecting Magnus to reach up underneath Alec’s shirt to touch his skin. Worried he had pushed his luck too far, Magnus pulled back, searching Alec for a sign that he should either stop or continue.

Alec did not give him long before he crashed their lips together again. This time, there was tongue and teeth amongst their now wetted lips. Immersing both of his hands in Magnus’ hair, Alec pressed himself forward so Magnus could wrap his hands fully around him.

This was totally wrong, he should not have been encouraging Magnus to do such a thing, not after he had been doing the exact same thing with Woolsey, but he couldn’t help it. Images of the two of them popped into Alec’s mind but he did everything he could to push them away and be in the moment with Magnus.

He wanted to be there, feel Magnus’ breath against his skin, his warm hands pressing and exploring his back. They roved up to follow the curve of his spine and Alec pushed himself further onto Magnus, pressing into him until he lay on his back against the bed.

Entwining their legs together, Alec let his body rest against Magnus’. Their chests lying against each other meant Alec could feel Magnus’ heart beating fast against his own. His body was warm, his hands especially so as they ran up and down the skin underneath his shirt.

Their mouths had become sloppy and wet. Their tongues met and Alec couldn’t help but moan at the touch. Magnus took this as a sign and pushed Alec’s shirt up and over his head.

Once the shirt was discarded to the side, Magnus started pressing his open mouth down Alec’s neck, leaving hot and wet marks against the skin. Alec melted into the contact, his nipples hardening out of arousal and the contact of Magnus on his own body.

He brought their mouths together again and Magnus moaned. This time, Alec was brought the image of Woolsey making Magnus moan in the same manner. He pushed the thought away but it struggled to leave.

Even though Magnus was kissing him, pressing their bodies together and subtly grinding his hips, Alec couldn’t stop thinking about Magnus doing the same to Woolsey. No matter how hard he tried, Alec was not able to get rid of them in the same position but with Woolsey where Alec was instead.

He thought of Magnus sucking on Woolsey’s neck, marking him for his own. He thought of Magnus’ hands roaming over Woolsey’s, pulling at his hips and pressing their bodies together. He thought of Magnus running his tongue over Woolsey’s body, making him moan for more.

This would be his downfall. Magnus, his Magnus, had done this exact thing with someone else. Alec could not help but think of what they had done, how intimate they had been. Magnus had made love to another man. What more could have happened between them? Perhaps they might have fallen in love and Alec was stopping them.

He hated the thought. He loathed it with all of his being. But he could not stop it. Magnus had committed the act and, for some reason, Alec was the one paying for it.

Withdrawing from Magnus, Alec sat up. He still sat between his legs, his chest still bare, but he touched Magnus no longer. Magnus watched him with both curiosity and sadness but he did nothing to bring him back down.

“I can’t,” Alec mumbled out.

Magnus nodded solemnly. “I understand.” There was a sad smile upon his lips.

“I just can’t stop imagining you two together,” Alec said and he saw Magnus flinch. “I need more time.”

Magnus sat up and removed his legs from being around Alec. He took one of Alec’s hands lightly. “I will give it to you. I promise you, I am yours and I won’t ever do it again. I should have never done it in the first place, but I did and I hate myself for it, but it will be the first and the last time I ever do such a thing.”

Not knowing what to say, Alec nodded. Magnus stood after that, kissing Alec’s cheek before he left.

Alec’s heart was heavy, he could feel it weighing his chest down. He loved his Magnus and he was so confused about everything. All he knew was that if he had continued it would have been something he regretted, and that someone had told people what Magnus had done, and Alec did not like that. He had an idea about who it was and he was going to go to him and ask him why on earth he would do such a thing.

The next morning came and Alec rose and dressed with one thing in mind; he was going to ask Woolsey why he had been such an ass and spoken about what he had done with Magnus. He didn’t know for sure that he had been the one to talk, but who else would have done it?

The air was crisp when he left for it was still early in the morning. Being an early riser was a great thing, he could roam around and there were very few others on the streets. Alec thanked the Angel because the people that were up were looking at him like he was crazy. Rumours spread fast.

With his body sore and aching, he couldn’t walk as fast as normal but he got there eventually. Then he was knocking on Woolsey’s door furiously with the hand that was not bandaged and he did not stop until Woolsey answered. He was ready for work already, dressed in the required gear. The confusion on his face was evident.

“Are you coming to work today, Alec?” Woolsey asked slowly, unclear about what was going on and uncomfortable too.

“No,” Alec said. “Why did you talk about it?”

Woolsey furrowed his brow, visibly trying to work out what Alec was talking about but not coming to a conclusion. “About what?”

“You told people about what you and Magnus did, I don’t understand,” Alec said. He was being fiercer than his usual self but something about Woolsey brought it out of him. Perhaps that was understandable.

“No, I didn’t,” Woolsey said, shaking his head.

“I don’t believe you.”

“I heard about what happened yesterday,” Woolsey said. “Rufus was talking about it, right? About Magnus?”

Alec did not answer but Woolsey seemed to know anyway. That did appear to not play in Woolsey’s favour in Alec’s mind, but Woolsey carried on.

“I can assure you, I said no such thing to anyone,” Woolsey said. “It’s between you and Magnus, me as well I guess, but I wouldn’t tell anyone else. It’s none of their business.”

“So how did Rufus know?” Alec asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe Magnus said something,” Woolsey suggested.

“He feels guilty, as he should,” Alec said, poking more at Woolsey than his boyfriend. “He wouldn’t say anything.”

“I feel guilty too,” Woolsey said quietly.

“It didn’t stop you from talking though, did it?”

Woolsey seemed defeated. He went to say something else but another Runner came to the door to ask Woolsey something. Alec left, not looking back, knowing he would see Woolsey watching him if he did. Even if Woolsey was denying it, he knew he was lying. Who else would talk? No one else knew.

Back at the house, everyone was eating breakfast, Magnus included.

“Where have you been?” Jace asked, shoving a piece of bread in his face.

“I went to see Woolsey,” Alec answered, going to make himself some form of breakfast.

Magnus tensed and he watched Alec move about, his eyes wide. Everyone else went quiet as well, more confusion in their eyes than fear.

“Why?” Izzy asked when no one else would talk.

“I wanted to know why he told people about… the incident,” Alec said, not looking at Magnus but still feeling his gaze upon him.

“What do you mean?” Simon asked.

“Rufus knew, someone had spoken. No one else would do it, so I asked Woolsey why he did it.”

“How do you know it was him?” Magnus asked quietly.

“Was it you?” Alec’s voice was also quiet. He hoped desperately it was not Magnus and that he had not made a mistake.

“No.” Magnus shook his head. “How do you know it was him though?”

“It wouldn’t be any of you, would it?” Alec asked and he surveyed his family’s faces.

They all shook their heads. Well, all of them expect for Simon. Alec focused his gaze on Simon and his face flushed.

“It slipped out,” Simon said.

“Simon,” Izzy said, slapping him on the arm.

“The guys at work were asking how everything was going and it, well, it just sort of came out. They didn’t seem too interested, but it just happened. I’m sorry, Alec.”

Alec sunk into a chair and sighed.

“I’m really sorry, I didn’t think they were the type to gossip.”

“Everyone gossips if it’s interesting enough,” Magnus said.

“You would know,” Jace said. “You were the one that caused it.”

Magnus looked at Jace, a certain pain and vulnerability in his eyes.

“Don’t make me punch you too,” Alec said to Jace, who shrugged it off, going back to his bread.

Alec released another sigh. He had falsely accused Woolsey and, in any other situation, Alec would have gone over and apologised to him straight away.

But this was this situation: he was the guy that Magnus had cheated with. It would not be a normal apology. Alec would not feel good apologising to the man his boyfriend had had sex with. It didn’t feel right in his bones.

And yet Alec had been rude to him. He hadn’t believed him. It would only be right to say sorry and ask for forgiveness. The entire situation was messed up. Everything about Alec’s life was messed up and he never had enough time to figure it out before something else came along that Alec had to sort out.

Why couldn’t things just be easy for once?


	9. No Easy Answers

>  “Like everything else in life, these questions have no easy answers.”  
>  ― P. Wish, _The Doppelganger: A Psychological Thriller_

_Magnus_

Since Magnus and Alec had kissed, Alec hadn’t shown much love towards him. Magnus could tell Alec was feeling guilty about accusing Woolsey when it hadn’t been him, but he hadn’t gone back to apologise. Magnus could understand, but Alec was probably feeling even guiltier because of that. It was so complicated. Sure, Alec shouldn’t have accused him without evidence, but why should he apologise when Woolsey was the man Magnus had slept with?

Overall, things had gotten progressively worse for Magnus. Everyone looked at him as he walked down the street, judging him even though they didn’t know the whole truth. Even though the truth wouldn’t make Magnus look any better, what gave them the right to judge?

Every time he tried to talk to people and do his duty, no one gave him much. Perhaps that wasn’t just down to the fact Magnus was a cheater but also because he had lost his confidence. He didn’t know why exactly, he just knew that he didn’t walk around with such a height, not after he had told Alec what had happened.

Mistakes, they really fucked you up. Magnus always thought he could learn and grow from his mistakes but, then again, he never thought one of those mistakes would concern his beloved Alec. Everything was already so hard, so why did Magnus make it even harder?

A couple of times, Magnus had seen Woolsey walking down the street. They had made eye contact and Magnus’ heart panged for a reason he couldn’t explain. After they exchanged a small smile, they would always carry on with their day. They didn’t speak anymore. Perhaps they would find that they had nothing to say, perhaps their days of even friendship were over too.

When Magnus watched Woolsey walk on by, he could feel everyone’s eye watching the both of them. He would see as people observed Woolsey with an odd look and then they would glance at Magnus and look away again. But Magnus had seen them, watched them as they judged based on one single thing they had done together.

None of the townspeople knew Alec or Magnus very well, so he didn’t understand why they were judging him. Maybe this was the only bit of excitement they got considering there was nothing else to gossip about. Not seeing the walkers, not really experiencing the apocalypse, perhaps this was how they remembered their earlier lives; through petty gossip they didn’t even understand.

Even if that was the case, Magnus did not like to be the source of it. After one mistake, one thing Magnus had done wrong because he had gotten scared, everyone was judging him. Everything else they had once thought of him had gone, and they were left with this.

So he preferred not to go out. He had remained inside for a good few days and no one came to bother him. He had expected Maia to come in and ask him what was going on, but she didn’t. Maybe she knew too and was judging him. He didn’t know and he was too mentally exhausted to care.

Before he knew it, it was evening and he had done nothing but sit down and watch the world go by through the window. Alec had come home early after finally returning to work, not doing much talking to Woolsey whilst he was there.

Alec looked at Magnus when he entered but there was no love in his eyes. He had mentioned a few times that he couldn’t stop seeing Woolsey and Magnus together when he looked at him. It was painful for him to hear that, but he wasn’t going to push Alec into anything he didn’t want to do. He wanted them to be together again, but not if it hurt Alec. That would be worse.

“Do you not do anything anymore?” Alec asked. His voice had turned cold.

Making his way to the kitchen, Alec didn’t turn back to look at Magnus. Hesitantly, Magnus got up and followed him, resting on one of the counters as Alec rooted through a cupboard for a snack.

“I don’t know what else to do. Everyone looks at me when I go outside. I don’t like it,” Magnus said, watching Alec as he moved, watching the muscles of his arm work beneath his shirt and yearning to run his hands across them. Not being allowed to made the desire worse.

“Mm,” Alec hummed. “I thought you liked the attention.” It wasn’t an aggressive statement, it was more of a hint towards the fact Magnus had been a confident man before he had cheated on Alec.

Before, Magnus would have laughed and joked about how he loved the attention. Now, he shook his head, attempting to maintain eye contact with the man he loved. Every time, one of them broke it off before it got too intimate. That was their relationship now. There was nothing else to it.

“You can’t stay in here forever,” Alec said, looking at Magnus for a few seconds before averting his gaze again.

“I don’t want to be out there,” Magnus said with a sigh.

Alec shrugged as he looked back to Magnus. His gorgeous blue eyes were dim and Magnus wanted to reach out to him and pull him close. But he couldn’t. Alec wouldn’t let him and it went against every fibre of his being to not touch his Alec. This was not who they were and yet this was exactly what they were doing.

“Can I ask you something?” Magnus asked when Alec didn’t break the eye contact.

He nodded slightly, slow and hesitant.

“Do you hate me?” Magnus felt like he had asked that or variations of it a thousand times but he was never confident in Alec’s answer. He just wanted Alec to say that he did. If he didn’t, Magnus didn’t know what he would do. He was trying his best to make everything okay and, if Alec said he didn’t hate him but still couldn’t forgive him, what else could Magnus do? If Alec did hate him, at least Magnus could do something with that information.

“I hate what you did,” Alec said, still looking at Magnus.

“But do you hate _me_?”

“I don’t know,” Alec spat it out.

Something felt like it was brewing within him. He had been so quiet about it, beating up Rufus had been the kettle boiling, but that hadn’t been at Magnus. He had been holding back, not wanting to say whatever else he was bottling up. Magnus wanted to push it out.

“How can you not know?”

“Do you think it’s _easy_?” Alec’s voice was rising. “Do you think it’s something I can just decide? I see you and your face, and you are the man I fell in love with. But then I really look and you’ve changed, you’re not the man I thought you were. I don’t understand it, I don’t get anything that you did. Why would you do it? I just don’t know.”

“I don’t know either.”

“So you’re saying you had sex with another man for the hell of it?”

“I was drunk.”

“Yeah, well I’ve been drunk before and I know if gives you the confidence to do things you can’t do when you’re sober,” Alec said, his entire body tense.

“It alters your decision making too.”

“I guess it can, but I’ve seen Woolsey. I know he’s an attractive guy and I know what you’re like. You’re a flirt and I can deal with that, I’ve dealt with that for years because I never thought you would do something so cruel.” Alec finally looked away from Magnus, his breathing fast.

Magnus could feel himself boiling up too. Could Alec not understand? He had been scared. Alec had almost died. For so long, they ran the thin line between safety and death for that was what their lives had become. How could Alec expect them to be okay, to be completely normal after everything they went through?

After all of that, Magnus had been frightened and he had realised how close to death Alec had come, how close he always was. Even though he knew pushing him away was stupid and more painful than the other options, he had done it. He had not been happy with it, but he had done it. How could Alec not understand that? Had they grown so far apart that he no longer understood Magnus?

“I did it because I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything is so messed up, I was _scared_ , Alec,” Magnus explained, he could feel his own voice rising but he didn’t want to yell. That would only make things worse.

“And being scared makes you fuck other people?” Alec asked incredulously.

“No, but the thought of losing you, the thought that you might have died out there where I couldn’t even say goodbye, let alone _see_ you, _that’s_ what made me do it.” Finally, everything could be cleared up. Finally, Alec could decide whether their love was hopeless or not.

“I don’t understand why that would make you have sex with someone else,” Alec said and he sounded more confused than Magnus thought anyone could sound. “Surely that would make you want to be closer to me, to spend more time with me?”

“No,” Magnus said, his voice stern. “I wanted to push you away. I don’t anymore, but I did. I thought it would be easier to lose you if you didn’t love me anymore.”

“Maybe it worked,” Alec said, his voice suddenly quiet.

It felt as if Alec had punched him in the gut. He never felt like Alec would ever say anything like that. _Maybe it worked._ So he didn’t love him anymore? Alec had given up on him just like Magnus thought he would have, just like he had wanted.

But he didn’t want it anymore. He didn’t want to push Alec away, he wanted him close. He had made the mistake and knew that he wanted Alec by him, not further away. How could he have been so stupid? Why did Alec believe he could be cruel like that? Magnus was trying so hard to grip onto everything and yet it was all slipping through his fingers even faster than before.

“You don’t love me anymore?” Magnus asked, his voice breaking.

“Maybe.”

Running a hand through his hair, Magnus released a long breath. “Do you want me to go?”

“Why on earth would you think I want you to go back to Woolsey’s? After everything, what would make you think I would want you to go back there?” Alec was shaking his head in disbelief.

“Not back to Woolsey’s,” Magnus corrected. “I mean, do you want me to leave this place, do you want me to go away and not come back?”

“The entire place? Go out _there_?” Alec asked, his brow furrowing as he looked at Magnus.

“Yes,” Magnus said and he meant it. He didn’t want to live in a world where he could see Alec and love him, but not have him by his side. If he was out there, he could pretend that Alec was better off, he could remember Alec in his happier days and not have to know what became of him. It would be better that way, better for Magnus.

“I don’t want you out there by yourself,” Alec said, watching Magnus.

This time, Magnus looked away. Desperately, he wanted to be able to hold that gaze, to look into Alec’s eyes but the weight of it pushed him away.

“But you don’t want me here with you,” Magnus stated.

“Maybe we should all go,” Alec said and Magnus almost didn’t catch it.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Magnus said. Everyone loved it where they were with their jobs and their safety and their friends. No way would it go down well if Alec said they should leave because of how Magnus felt.

Already, the others were looking at Magnus with disappointment. Jace especially, like he couldn’t believe Magnus had done what he had. He wasn’t the only one, the others never thought Magnus was capable of such. But it was what it was. Magnus was not going to drag everyone away from their beloved town because of it.

“Just me and you then,” Alec said.

“You don’t want to be with me. You’d probably strangle me in my sleep.” Magnus laughed lightly, very lightly.

Alec did not laugh.

“Your family wouldn’t let you either,” Magnus said. “They love you too much.”

“Don’t you?” Alec asked and he didn’t sound sure, as if he didn’t know whether Magnus loved him anymore.

“Of course I do. That’s why I think I should leave.”

“I don’t want you to go, don’t be ridiculous,” Alec said. He sighed and his voice went heavy. “Why did you do it? Everything’s so complicated.”

“I know, I fucked it up,” Magnus said with a sad smile.

“I think we should go. If no one else wants to come, so be it. I can’t do it here anymore. I see you and I can’t stop thinking about you going back to Woolsey and doing things with him. I see Woolsey, and it’s the same thing. When I close my eyes, it’s all I see. If we leave, I know it won’t be so bad,” Alec said.

Magnus didn’t know what to say. Everything was so good here, maybe not for their relationship but for their wellbeing. Leaving would not be a good idea. They had safety and a home. There was normality. Leaving, it was completely ridiculous.

Or was it? Maybe they were becoming complacent. If they weren’t out there, then they were forgetting the true risks of the walking dead outside, they were forgetting how to survive.

But maybe they didn’t need that. Things didn’t always last but this place seemed pretty safe, safe enough to last anyway. People weren’t meant to place their trust in things but this town it seemed good enough to risk that.

It hadn’t helped Magnus and Alec’s relationship but it had helped their health and their safety and their trust, well the latter not so much, but the others, yes. There was no way the others were going to agree and there was no way Magnus was going to take Alec away from his family. Not whilst he was safe here and not whilst they were all safe and well.

Alec left the room, sensing Magnus wasn’t going to say anything else. But what could he say? What was there to say to all of that?

When dinner came, everyone settled in, Alec coming back and sitting as far away from Magnus as he could get. No one else said anything about that, in fact, they seemed to be having quite a good day as they chatted lightly and happily. They ate, Magnus and Alec both in silence, milling over their conversation.

Magnus would say no if Alec brought it up. There was no way he was going to take something like this away from the people that Magnus loved. They had longed for a place like this, for something safe and secure. Magnus’ mistake was not going to take it away from them.

But maybe Alec would not even bring it up. He had had a couple of hours to think about it, to think about what had gone on. If he had sense, which Magnus knew he did, he would decide against leaving. It was not the right decision to make. Things were so dangerous outside, going out there again was not something anyone should choose.

But Alec did say something.

“I don’t want to be here anymore,” he said in a lull within the conversation.

Everyone, Magnus included, looked at him. He was playing with the pieces of salad he was not going to eat with his fork, not looking at everyone even though they were staring at him intently.

“What do you mean?” Isabelle asked.

“Everyone looks at me when I leave the house, Magnus has said the same thing.” The others glanced at him quickly before looking back to Alec, Magnus flushing. “This is no way to live.”

“Who cares what the others are doing?” Jace said. “They’re all looking at you with pity anyway, because of what he did.”

“ _He,_ ” Magnus began with poignancy, “is right here.”

“I know.”

“Don’t be petty with me, Jace.”

“I don’t think you get to tell me what to do.”

“I didn’t cheat on you,” Magnus said, a fire in his voice.

Everyone went quiet as Magnus sighed and rubbed his temples. He caught Alec’s gaze which was etched with sorrow before it disappeared again.

“I think it would be best for Magnus and I to go,” Alec said when the silence felt thick in the air.

“What?” Clary asked.

“I’m not letting you go, you aren’t just going to leave. Not like this,” Isabelle said.

“I can’t stay. _We_ can’t stay. There’s enough shit going around as it is, why should we have to deal with everyone looking at us and judging us too. That’s not fair, even if Magnus did do what he did.” Alec’s tone left no room for negotiation. “I’m going to tell Maia tomorrow.”

“Alec, I don’t think we should,” Magnus said, ignoring the other people in the room.

“You don’t have to come with me, Magnus,” Alec said, looking at him and pleading that he would with his eyes.

“Don’t you think that’s a little selfish of you?” Jace said and Magnus could hear the sadness behind it.

“Maybe,” Alec said. “But I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t think it’s good for me.”

“But we’re safe here,” Clary said. “Sure, bad things have happened, but we’re better off.”

“I don’t want to have to see Woolsey anymore. I know that sounds stupid, but I just don’t want to. I’m telling Maia and I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”

“We stick together,” Isabelle said, giving her brother a small smile and squeezing his hand for comfort.

“I can’t ask you all to come with us, if Magnus is coming that is,” Alec said, chancing a glance at Magnus.

“If you want me to, I will,” Magnus said, knowing they shouldn’t leave but not going to fight Alec if he was including him in something.

“It’s so dangerous out there,” Simon said.

“I know, that’s why I’m not asking you guys to come with me,” Alec explained.

There was a pause.

“You think we’re going to let you go without us?” Jace asked. He didn’t sound pleased but Alec was his brother, not by blood but by bond, he wasn’t going to be split up from Alec.

“You all love it here, I don’t want to take you away from that,” Alec said.

Magnus didn’t know what to say or do. It was his fault this was all happening. He knew he should say something but he felt like staying on the side-lines was best. These people were all debating about their life and what they were going to do and it was his fault. He would have no say in it all, perhaps that was for the best.

“It is nice having a bed,” Clary said. “But that doesn’t mean anything if the person inside it isn’t happy. We can do this, for you.”

Alec looked at her, his blue eyes sad. Magnus’ heart broke in two.

“It’s safer here,” Alec said. Clearly, he wanted his family safe but he also wanted to be with them.

“We aren’t living very adventurously though,” Isabelle said, smiling at him though Magnus could see her eyes did not agree with her smile. “We always need a little adventure.”

“Thank you,” Alec said, his voice thick.

There was a long pause that followed. No one quite knew what to say. Such a decision lay heavy upon them all because none of them had expected it. They had grown accustom to this nicer and safer life, and it was about to be taken away from them.

After such a long time away from the real world outside, they were going to be thrusting themselves out into the wilderness again. Who knew if they were ready for it? If they had grown too used to their comfy way of life, maybe going back into it would be too difficult. They were going to have to find out though because they all seemed set on their decision. Whether it was the best one or not was yet undecided.

“I’ll go get Maia tomorrow,” Magnus said, his voice quieter than he had expected it to be.

They all nodded. A few more minutes of silence passed before everyone split off. Magnus and Alec were the ones that remained, everyone else trying to deal with the fact they were about to lose something so great because of something stupid Magnus had done.

“I’m sorry that I’m making you do this,” Alec said.

Magnus did not expect that.

“Why are _you_ sorry? I should be saying that,” Magnus said.

“No,” Alec said and he stood, going to leave his plate and glass by the sink. “You’ve said a thousand times that you wouldn’t do anything again, and I know you didn’t mean what you did anyway. I’m the one that can’t stop worrying even though I shouldn’t. I’m the one that’s making us leave.” Alec went to the door after that but paused in the doorway, looking back at Magnus as he said, “I forgive you, but I don’t know what it is that we do now.”

He didn’t leave Magnus any room to reply before he left, leaving Magnus alone. With a very heavy heart and the oncoming throb of a headache, Magnus retreated to the spare room and went to sleep as fast as he could. It was not very fast at all.

It was a restless sleep, both because of his nightmare and because the weight of what he had done weighed upon his soul. Having to tell Maia, that was going to be horrible. They had settled in so well, she probably wasn’t going to take it easily.

Then there was the fact he was going to have to say goodbye to the people he had come to know. Maybe they didn’t like him so much anymore, but saying goodbye was always tough. Especially to Woolsey. Yes, he had made a mistake and he shouldn’t have been thinking about saying goodbye to him but he couldn’t exactly help it.

They needed to go in order to help Alec and Magnus get over everything, but it was so dangerous outside. There were no easy answers but Alec seemed set, no one was going to tell him that what he was doing was wrong because who knew what the right thing to do was?

When the next morning came and Magnus went to Maia to ask if she could come back to their house to talk, she seemed confused. She asked if they could be quick about it because she needed to go to the Lab and ask them something specific and Magnus said they would try to but he didn’t know for sure.

None of them had gone to work, which Maia seemed confused about when she entered but she sat herself on the sofa opposite them and waited for someone to talk. Alec was the one who took it upon himself to be the breaker of news. Magnus watched on, almost helplessly.

“We’re going to go,” Alec said.

Taken aback, Maia asked, “What? Why?”

“It’s just the right thing to do.”

Maia furrowed her brow. “Is it because of what happened with Rufus? I know he can be an ass, but he’s no reason to leave. We can exile him, he doesn’t get on with anyone, this could be enough evidence to get rid of him.”

Alec shook his head. “It’s not because of Rufus, it’s the reason that that thing did happen with him though.”

Magnus could feel his face burning. Maia looked at Magnus and then back to Alec, she shuffled in her seat.

“I’d heard some rumours, but I did not want to listen,” she said. “I’m sorry to hear it, but must you leave? You make a good addition here, I think it would be silly to go out there again.”

“Yeah, it will be. But I don’t think we, well _I_ can’t stay here anymore,” Alec said. He looked at Magnus for a second before looking away again.

“It’s in our best interest,” Magnus said, backing up his beloved boyfriend.

“Is there nothing I can say that will change your mind?” Maia asked.

Magnus and Alec shook their heads. The others did not because they still wanted to stay but they loved Alec and they would move on with him, even if they didn’t want to. Magnus felt like an ass.

“Okay.” Maia sounded disappointed. She stood, Magnus and Alec following her up, the others still sitting down. “We’ll give you a car and supplies, you can still exchange your tokens because you earned them but once you’re out, you’re on your own.”

The others stood and followed her towards the door. She paused once she reached it.

“I’m sorry it turned out like this. You’re strong people, I know you’ll be fine out there, you’ll survive. If you ever want to come back, the gates will be open for you,” Maia said with a sort of stern smile.

“Thank you, for everything,” Magnus said.

Maia gave a small nod and sighed. She opened the door and left, leaving the rest of them with their decision in the quiet that remained. Magnus locked the door behind her and looked back to see everyone else looking much paler than they had a few moments ago. Perhaps the realisation had finally hit them.

“This is such a mistake,” Jace said, shaking his head.

“You can still stay,” Alec said, leaning against the wall.

“Not without you, Alec,” Jace said, glaring at Magnus for a few moments before turning away and going through to the kitchen.

The others all left slowly too, Alec going upstairs without another word towards Magnus. Everything was such a mistake but it had been done. Even if it was the wrong thing to do, it was too late and it was time to move on. Nothing lasted, not even a place like this. Moving on, it might be for the best, even if it was the riskier choice.

What had Magnus done?


	10. End in Devastation

> "Did I really want to stay on this road longer, knowing it was only going to end in devastation?”  
>  **―** Becca Fitzpatrick, _Crescendo_

_Alec_

_Before_

_The first few days had been hell. After Magnus and Alec had met up again at the hospital, the rest of Alec and the others' family with them, they went to check on Magnus’ family and friends. His mother was nowhere to be found and calling her had resulted in nothing. Magnus had gotten frantic, shaking desperately and Alec had done all he could to help but having his own family with him didn’t help when Magnus was alone in that sense._

_Both of Magnus’ fathers were gone too. Magnus could not find them and his friends appeared to be faring the same fate. Even though the news ordered everyone to stay indoors, they all followed Magnus as he travelled through the City to find those he loved. They were nowhere to be found._

_That night, they all went back to Clary and Jace’s house since it was the biggest and the farthest away from the mess that was the City. The rest of their families were all there, Clary’s mother Jocelyn, her father Luke, her brother Jonathan, Simon’s mother and sister too. Magnus had none of that._

_Alec held Magnus close to his body as he felt him crying into his chest. Magnus, although never feeling the most love towards his parents and half-siblings, was a broken man at this point. They were still his family and he still cared for them, and they were gone._

_He had lost everything and he could see that Alec and the others hadn’t lost anyone. Because of that, Alec could only imagine the pain he was experiencing. So he kept him close and didn’t even go to sleep that night for he truly didn’t want Magnus to wake up alone._

_They spent the next few days inside the house, keeping each other close and explaining to Max what the situation was. He wasn’t particularly young but his adoration for comics and all things fictional didn’t help him understand the reality of it all._

_The disease continued to spread, fast. The news didn’t focus on it, trying to keep the people calm. Consistently, people were told to stay in their homes because that was where they were safest. They didn’t want to incur panic, but the real stories that were coming out, they told the opposite of the news._

_People were turning in their own homes, going on to attack the others that were inside. When those stories broke out, everyone, and that meant globally, started to get more panicked than anyone could account for. It was frightening, the world was turning into something no one could recognise and no one had any answers._

_Eventually, people were told to leave their homes and go to their nearest Safezone. Alec wasn’t sure they would be a good idea, so many people in such tight quarters, but the governments were saying that they were the best place to go. Max also wanted to go, so they went._

_On their journey there, Alec saw things he couldn’t even explain. There were people, if you could even call them that, dragging themselves around, running at others when they saw them. The military was gunning them down but, despite taking dozens of shots to the body, none of them fell. Alec couldn’t comprehend it but he couldn’t look away._

_They were escorted to a building that had become a Safezone, Magnus and Alec holding hands tighter than they had ever before. They passed Central Park on their way and it was littered with dead bodies, more than Alec had ever seen. Then there were those things, those people that were no longer people, walking around and stumbling until they were shot down._

_Max barely understood any of it and he held onto Jace’s hand as they made their way to the Safezone. Inside, there were hundreds, perhaps even thousands of people already waiting, shoved in. It was tight, everyone packed in like sardines in a can. Although Alec thought it was a sick image, he couldn’t help but compare it to one of the gas chambers from the Second World War or wherever else they were used too._

_Since that idea was so unpleasant, Alec tried to push it away as far as he could, thinking about it making him feel bilious. It was so dark, everyone saying that light drew those things outside in. Magnus just wanted to be able to see his family’s faces again and he couldn’t._

_Every night they were there, Magnus held him close, gently rocking Alec if he needed it. He felt almost like a child but it was so overwhelming. And then there was poor Magnus who didn’t have anyone other than the people he was with. Sure, he knew Clary better than Alec did, but other than that he only knew the others through Alec. His own family and friends, they were gone and unlikely to ever be found again._

_They stayed there for four days. Food was given out in the smallest of rations, water in even less amounts. Every day, Alec wished he had brought their own food but it had been such a rush, he had forgotten and so had the others. Every morsel he could spare, he gave it to Max who always seemed too thin._

_No one told them anything. The government had gone quiet, the military waited outside, never venturing in. Alec just wished they could hear news of something, of anything. Nothing came._

_And, when it did, Alec wished it hadn’t. The small radio they had, the only one in the entire building, read out the message the government had issued. A lot of the words were blocked by white noise but words such as ‘pandemic’, ‘end of days as we know it’, and ‘please, do not panic but’ were prevalent. Alec’s heart sank to the ground._

_Subconsciously, he had held Magnus’ hand and squeezed it. He looked at him and thought he had never seen his face so pale or his eyes so devoid of colour. Magnus, his confident and assured Magnus was gone, this was a different person. Alec wanted to reassure him but he was feeling a state of panic as well, so he couldn’t have done much if he tried._

_People had gone mad then, everyone started screaming, screeching, and crying. Some started throwing things and, even though it seems stupid, people even started fighting. It had become too dangerous to remain, so Alec called everyone to get up and leave._

_Jace picked up Max and they scrambled towards the door in the chaos that had been created. The door was locked but that was not going to stop them. Magnus, Simon, Alec, Izzy, Luke, and Jonathan, all of them used their strength to bust the door open with their shoulders. Alec could feel the pain of the relentless thrusting into the door, his bones aching, but he would not give up until his family were safe._

_After a well-timed thrust from them all, the door flew open and they all piled out, closely followed by a herd of people who had been locked in with them. The havoc spilled out onto the streets as the undead came to meet them. Alec grabbed Magnus’ hand and told everyone to follow him._

_Not knowing where they were going but knowing they had to go somewhere, Alec surged forward and made sure his family followed. They had ended up finding a couple of pickup trucks and hotwiring them. It was not a skill Alec was proud to admit he had but it saved their lives for, behind them, an onslaught of the dead was following._

_Alec had driven them away from the City in one car, Luke driving the other, and they passed more streets than Alec could count. All of them were filled with blood, with a sea of dead bodies, with people who could not get out. Life, it seemed to change from then and not for the better. Alec couldn’t help but think it would all end in devastation._

_After_

Alec did not want to leave but he had to and he did not want his family to follow him out there, but he had forced them to. Deep down, he always knew his family would follow him and it was selfish of him to tell them that he wanted to leave, but he was so exhausted, he couldn’t think of another way out.

They had gathered everything they owned and put it in the pickup truck that had been brought to the front of their house. Maia had come by to collect their keys and locked the door behind them, claiming they had to clean it or something. Alec didn’t know exactly, he had fazed everything out.

People had come and bid goodbye, and Alec recalled seeing their faces and saying things he could not remember. Everything was passing in a blur, Alec no longer recognising what it was that was going on. He wished he could stop being jealous, he wished he could move passed what had happened, but he couldn’t.

For the past week, he had had a constant headache and it was still throbbing. He looked at the world as if the light had dulled. Whether that was the headache or the fact he was drifting apart from Magnus, he didn’t know, he just wanted it to stop.

Jace got into the front of the truck and the others followed suit, Magnus and Alec still standing outside it. Just as Magnus went to get into the vehicle, Woolsey came around the corner and stopped, looking at them with his brow pinched together. Alec watched as Magnus and Woolsey made eye contact and his blood ran cold.

When Woolsey realised what was happening, he approached and stopped a little closer to the truck. Thankfully, everyone else had gone, now waiting at the gate at the front of the town to bid their final goodbyes there. The only people that were there to witness this were Alec and his family.

Magnus looked at Alec, and Alec just looked back.

“I won’t say goodbye,” Magnus said and went to get on the truck again.

“Go on,” Alec said, his voice not sounding like his own.

With shock in his eyes, Magnus turned around and went to Woolsey. After Alec climbed into the back of the truck, he watched his boyfriend and Woolsey talk about something quietly. It was more intimate than Alec was comfortable with but he was too tired to say anything.

Alec glanced around to see the rest of his family watching as Magnus hugged Woolsey. His heart sank to the floor as he saw the intimacy in their touch. He watched as Magnus buried his face in Woolsey’s neck and Woolsey pulled Magnus tight into his arms, their bodies closer than Alec had been to Magnus in weeks.

Then, as if Magnus finally realised what he was doing, he pulled away from Woolsey and shook his hand. As Magnus came to the truck and climbed in, his face was flushed. Alec watched Woolsey watching Magnus, and Alec made eye contact with him, in turn making Woolsey flush too and look away.

Jace started the car and Alec looked on as Woolsey stood still, growing small against the lengthening distance. Alec wanted to think of it like his problem growing smaller too but he didn’t feel like it. His heart was still heavy and looking at Magnus didn’t make him happy. In fact, it made him sadder.

At the gate, everyone bid goodbye to them again, Maia repeating that they could come back if they ever needed it. Everyone except Magnus and Alec said thanks and then they drove out of the gate and away from the safety of the town. _What a mistake,_ Alec couldn’t help but think.

They had grown used to the safety. None of them except Alec had seen a walker since they had gone in almost a year ago. All of their faces, Alec noted, were pale as they saw their first walker with half of its face dripping down its neck. Even though Alec knew this was what they looked like, he still felt nauseated by it, so he could only imagine what the rest of them were thinking.

Despite the fact they didn’t know where they were going or if there was anywhere _to_ go, Jace was driving at speed. Clary and Izzy were sat in the front with him, leaving Alec with Magnus and Simon. Simon was sat close to the window, talking into the three of them inside, so it was just Alec and Magnus, sitting opposite each other and occasionally making awkward eye contact.

The wind was loud and it drowned out Alec’s thoughts. He was sure they were about Magnus and how they were throwing themselves into the dark world of the dead again, but he tried to avoid thinking about any of that. The wind was helping.

With the sun baring down on them, Alec could feel the sweat brimming on his forehead. They had been so clean for months, felt so good and healthy, and now they were going in the opposite direction. The time for no shaving and few showers were upon them again. Why couldn’t things go right? Why couldn’t things last?

As the sun set beneath the horizon, they pulled up into a carpark of a supermarket. It had already been raided beyond repair and cars were littered all around it. Some were even overturned which was odd but Alec had long forgotten to question the logistics of the world.

Thankfully, Maia and her people had given them weapons and plenty of ammo so, after locking their car once they had parked it right by the door, they went inside the supermarket. The lights had gone out and there were shelves on the floor, a complete mess with open and rotting packages of food lying here and there, and empty tills askew and broken on the floor. It was just a _mess_ , that was the only word for it.

The six of them split off into pairs that would have usually been very normal and very regular, but it was actually very awkward. Everyone went off with their partners and that left Alec and Magnus with each other, so much tenser than they had ever been.

Making their way through the aisles, Alec could hear Magnus’ bated breathing. They didn’t move as succinctly as they should have, they kept bumping into each other as they searched through the sections and only Magnus would mumble sorry. Before, they would have been like a machine, now, they were like strangers.

As they went down an aisle that used to hold baking items, Magnus got his foot caught in some sort of netting for fancy shaped cakes and tripped. He fell onto Alec who had turned back to look at what he was doing. Falling back onto the floor, Alec’s head landing on an open bag of flour that puffed up in a cloud of smoke around them. It softened the landing for Alec, whilst Alec softened the landing for Magnus.

“Sorry,” Magnus mumbled again, leaning himself up and looking down to Alec.

“You forgot how to walk, huh?” Alec said, looking up at Magnus and wishing he could smile at him.

“There was, uh, some stuff. I tripped,” Magnus said.

“I saw.”

Magnus gave him a sad smile. “You’ve got flour all over you.”

With a gentle hand, Magnus wiped the flour from Alec’s face and hair. His hand was warm, and Alec pressed his face into the contact as Magnus cupped his cheek. Brushing his thumb along the cheekbone, Magnus’ sad smile took a happier note.

Everything within Alec wanted to push his head up and press their lips together, he wanted to wrap his arms around him and align their bodies. But he couldn’t. His heart was still broken and the energy that was necessary for such was not within him.

“I miss you,” Magnus said quietly, the uncertainty in his gaze making Alec’s heart ache.

“I’m not missing,” Alec said, trying a smile which seemed to brighten Magnus’ mood. “You don’t need to miss me, my love.”

“I don’t feel like we’re the same anymore,” Magnus said, his voice thick with sorrow.

Alec sighed. “You hurt me. I know it was a mistake and I know you wouldn’t ever do a thing like that sober, but you did it and it hurt me. We aren’t the same now and I don’t know when we will be, but we will.”

“The thing is though, I knew it would hurt you,” Magnus said.

That confused Alec. He pushed Magnus up and off him as he sat up. “What?”

“You remember what I said, about how I wanted to push you away because I thought it would hurt less and all that, that’s why I did it. I knew it would hurt you but I forgot that it would hurt me too because hurting you hurts me.”

“But that’s such a stupid thing to do, Magnus,” Alec said.

“I know. I know,” Magnus said. “It’s just, I don’t know how to explain this to you. It’s like, every night, I have this dream where I’m running, chasing after you. Around us, there’s just this sea of dead bodies, a lot of them I know. Jace, Max, Isabelle, my parents, your parents, they’re all there and they’re all dead, and then there’s some that I don’t even recognise. And I’m chasing you and then you run over this cliff and you fall and I can’t catch you. You see, that scares me.”

“But that’s not real,” Alec said, his voice getting caught in his throat, not expecting Magnus to say such a thing. He had never expected Magnus to have such vivid and frightening dreams.

It confused Alec because yes, they were horrible and yes, that was not a nice thing to be living through every night, but it wasn’t real. Magnus could awake from that and see that Alec was there, next to him. He wasn’t running away, he wasn’t falling out of Magnus’ grip. Maybe Magnus was pulling something bigger, something symbolic from it, but it wasn’t there and he didn’t need to.

“I know it’s not real, but you almost died,” Magnus said, his voice small.

“I came back alive. If you had done it when I hadn’t come back, it would be more understandable, but you did it _after_ I came back. After you knew I _was_ alive. That’s what I don’t get,” Alec explained as truthfully as he could.

“I don’t get it either, but it happened and I’m more sorry than I can even explain,” Magnus said and Alec could see the desperation in his eyes.

Alec stood and brushed more of the flour off of him, not being able to help the thought that he demeaned his serious demeanour. Following him up, Magnus watched Alec with careful eyes.

“I so want to love you again,” Alec said, the hurt in his voice true. It sounded harsh and final, but he didn’t mean it like that. He did want to love Magnus again, it was what he wanted most in the world alongside the safety of his loved ones. “It’s just tough for me.”

Magnus nodded solemnly before he carried on walking down the aisle, his shoulders hanging. Life was so goddamn hard, Alec wanted a ticket out sometimes, but not in the dark sense in which that sounded, he did not want to commit suicide. Well, sometimes he did, but he wouldn’t tell people that, no one should have to hear that.

Once Alec exited the aisle after him, he found the others waiting. They had gathered around the front of the shop which was the cleanest section. There may have been empty crates littered on most of the floor, but it was clearer than everywhere else.

The windows had been boarded up by large wooden planks indicating that others had once set up camp here, so there wasn’t much of the outside world visible. From what Alec could see, it was completely dark, the stars coming out. In comparison to before, the stars were practically lighter during the night nowadays.

Even though that was clearly an overstatement, the point still stands. Without all the light pollution, the stars were so much more prominent, dotting the sky in their billions. It was so pure and beautiful and Alec could forget the worries of his life and the undead when he looked up at them.

But they were inside and the windows were boarded up, so Alec could not look at them. After everyone had declared it was safe, they all settled down for the night, deciding it would be best to rest in such a sheltered area since none of them really knew the world anymore.

Because Magnus was desperately trying to win back everyone’s forgiveness and their love, he decided to take the first watch. He didn’t get much thanks but it was clear that everyone was thankful for it. They needed their rest, especially after their minds had become so exhausted, the thought of living out in the real world again draining them.

Once Alec had settled himself down, lying on blankets that had been forgotten in the mess of whatever it was that had drawn the last people out, he watched Magnus. He was a little way away, sat in the darkened corner where a hint of the window was visible. He had curled himself up, hugging his knees as he watched the dark world outside.

His green eyes were visible, reflecting the stars. Despite the darkness of the supermarket, Alec could see them, illuminated like a cat’s in the night. He wished they were closer, looking into his own blue eyes with the love and the warmth that he had.

When Alec drifted into an uneasy sleep, he was sure Magnus was watching him. Perhaps there was a love in his eyes then and there, but Alec was too far away to see them. He had long forgotten what that warmth felt like.

The next morning came and Alec’s neck was stiff with a throbbing pain. The pillows they had had the night before felt like heaven, but now all he had was some bunched up blankets and an old coat. Not quite heaven.

Looking over to the corner where Magnus had been before he fell asleep, he saw Magnus there again. He was still awake and Alec hoped desperately that he hadn’t stayed awake all night. Not only would that hurt Alec’s heart, it wouldn’t benefit anyone. They needed to be at their best, being fatigued would not make them their best.

Alec would have gotten up and yelled at him, but if Magnus felt so isolated by them all that he wouldn’t even wake them when he needed to sleep, how would that be fair? If he felt so ashamed of what he had done, he wished everyone else to sleep so that he could do such a deed for them, then how could Alec yell at him?

Since Alec was an early riser, he was the first one awake, everyone else sleeping as soundly as their situation would allow them. He sat up and, from the corner of his eye he saw Magnus look at him. Stretching his neck and body as he stood, he approached Magnus and knelt before him.

There were dark circles under his eyes, a stark contrast to his beautifully olive skin. There was a slight shock within them when he looked at Alec as they had widened as far as they could considering the fatigue in his eyes, but their green colour had faded, dulled by his exhaustion.

Alec rested his hands on Magnus’ knees for he was still in the same position he had been when Alec had fallen asleep. He shoulders were sunken just as his eyes were. Alec felt like crying. His beautiful Magnus was pushing himself to extremes because he hated himself and what he had done.

“Stop it,” Alec said, choking on the words.

Tears were brimming at Magnus’ eyes. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Stop it,” Alec repeated, his own tears falling down his cheeks. He wiped furiously at his eyes with his hands, his vision going blurry. “You need to sleep.” His voice was cracking, higher than its usual pitch.

Magnus’ face was full of such sorrow, Alec’s heart shattered into a thousand shards. “I don’t deserve you. I’m such a fool. You should have left me behind, you should have let me go.”

“How? How am I supposed to do that when I love you?”

“You shouldn’t love me.”

Alec had never seen his Magnus in such despair. His Magnus, the Magnus he loved more than anything on the entire planet, this was not him and Alec would do whatever he had within him to get that Magnus back. He needed his confidence back, he needed to know himself again.

“But I forgive you. I will always forgive you,” Alec said and he cupped Magnus’ face with one of his hands. “You are mine and I love you and there’s nothing you could do, nothing anyone could do to change that.”

Magnus lost his voice then, the tears spilling over the edge. Alec, not knowing what else there was to do, brought his other hand to Magnus’ shoulder and pulled him forward. Their lips crashed together, wetter than it should have been because of their tears spilling across their faces.

With weak hands, Magnus held the front of Alec’s shirt. His grip was feeble and Alec could feel how thin he had gotten. The bones were protruding from underneath the skin where strong muscle once lay and his skin was taut over it. Stress, panic, worry, it had all eaten away at Magnus until he lost physical weight.

A mistake was not going to cost Magnus everything he had. That would not be fair on anyone, least of all Magnus. Alec would overcome it, Alec would hold his Magnus close again, love him like he needed loving.

It was messy, their lips unpractised and forgetful. They had forgotten their kissing, their types of kissing, the feel of their lips when it was meant for reassuring and for loving. Alec could feel his bones giving way, his body going weak. He had forgotten his Magnus and now he was here again.

As Magnus’ confidence grew, his grip grew stronger despite the fatigue set in his body. Taking this well, Alec let both of his hands travel to Magnus’ hair, immersing his fingers and keeping them there. Although Alec had not done it in weeks, his hands remembered the feel of his hair between his fingers. It was a fond memory that his body was glad to feel once more.

Magnus let his legs sink to the floor and pulled Alec closer to him. Magnus’ body was cold because he was so tired. Alec wanted to do everything he could to make him warm, so he set himself close to Magnus, his own body remembering the curve of it.

Magnus’ breathing hitched and Alec could feel it on his skin. He had not been this close to him, not felt him like this in such a while apart from their terrible encounter back on their bed at the town. It hadn’t been terrible because Alec didn’t want it, it had been terrible because of the way it ended, because of the way it had made Alec feel.

The feeling was quite different now. This was wanted, desired, and needed. Magnus needed Alec close, needed his warmth and his love. And Alec would give it. He would give him everything he had because he had gone too long without it.

When they broke apart, their hands did not leave each other. Their breathing was heavy, their chests rising and falling at speed. Magnus’ pupils had engulfed his eyes and the fatigue that was once there had faded. There was love there now, a desperate hope too.

“Are you sure?” Magnus asked, his voice not as hopeful as his eyes.

Alec smiled at him, bringing a hand to cup his cheek again. “You really want to make me second guess myself? Isn’t that odd when you’re getting exactly what you want?” Alec beamed at his boyfriend, forgetting the tear streaks down his face.

Magnus’ stained face illuminated, his smile bright and full. Alec had not seen it so wonderfully for months. Worry had consumed him for so long, it almost appeared as if his being had forgotten how to smile, as if his mouth thought it foreign. But Alec knew differently for he could see Magnus’ eyes were bright with so much love and so much happiness.

“How stupid of me,” Magnus began, wiping at his own eyes. “I shouldn’t question what I already have. That’s just ridiculous.”

They chuckled lightly, Alec bringing his lips to Magnus’ again. It was a shorter kiss this time, but it was no less wonderful, no less warm. Magnus and Alec would be okay because Alec would make them okay.

Once they parted, Alec shuffled so he sat with his back against the supermarket wall and an arm around Magnus’ shoulder. Magnus set his head to Alec’s shoulder and it wasn’t long before he was asleep. It was a heavy sleep, one where he would hopefully have no dreams, but Alec couldn’t say much about that.

The sun was out, the sky blue, and the trees were swaying calmly. It seemed a beautiful day outside and, finally, Alec might start to feel the effects of that on himself. Once again, Alec would have love in his heart and Magnus by his side. The pieces might not be back together perfectly, there may have still been cracks, but they were coming together and that was what was important.

Broken things could always be fixed.


	11. Real Meaning

> “True love is rare, and it's the only thing that gives life real meaning.”  
>  ― Nicholas Sparks, _Message in a Bottle_

_Magnus_

When Magnus awoke, it had become night again. Alec’s shoulder, whilst not the most comfortable pillow Magnus had ever had, had been the best one he could have asked for. It was not only a sign of forgiveness, it was a sign that Alec was going to let them be okay, let them rely on each other again.

The others were up too, sat around a bin that they had set the contents of on fire. It wasn’t that it was a particularly cold evening, it was because they were heating some pot of food up. Each of them looked solemn but they were trying to smile. Magnus’ entire being filled with guilt but he didn’t want to show it.

As he sat himself up, he looked to Alec who had previously been resting his own head on Magnus’ though he was not asleep. There was a clear sense of fatigue in his eyes but he smiled at Magnus all the same, bringing joy to Magnus’ heart.

Magnus brought their lips together in an act of reassurance. It wasn’t deep or wet or sloppy, it was short and warm and reassuring. Alec had forgiven him and he had allowed Magnus back into his life, back into his arms, and now here they were, together again.

“I would say good morning,” Alec said once they had broken apart. “But the morning has long gone.”

“You should have woken me,” Magnus said. He could feel his stomach begin to rumble, an emptiness within. He’d gone a long while without eating and he was starting to feel himself become weak.

“You looked like you needed the rest,” Alec said and he pressed a kiss to Magnus’ cheek.

“I could also use some food right now, I won’t lie,” Magnus said, smiling at Alec.

Alec smiled back and stood, holding his hands out for Magnus to pull himself up too. They walked over to the others who were having a small conversation about the time they ran over a pheasant and then ate like kings. Once Magnus and Alec sat, they went quiet but picked up their conversation again.

It was awkward. Magnus could feel everyone freeze because of his presence and he really, truly wished it would blow over. Surely Alec had the most right to be angry, so why would everyone else still be angry about it? But Magnus could not tell them what to do or how to feel.

“Thanks for staying up last night,” Clary said to Magnus. “It was good of you.”

“You’re welcome. I thought you could use the sleep,” Magnus said.

“Well, you can’t do it again tonight, so it wasn’t that great,” Jace said, almost under his breath.

“Jace, you’re so cranky, can you eat or sleep please,” Alec said, defending Magnus who could not defend himself.

“I miss my bed, that’s all,” Jace said, chewing on some jerky.

“That’s not Magnus’ fault.”

“Well-,” Jace went to talk but was interrupted.

“ _It’s not Magnus’ fault_ ,” Alec said again, staring him down without room for Jace to say anything.

Tensions were high and that meant that people who were usually closer than family would argue. Jace and Alec, two people who had grown up with each other and rarely argued because they could always come to a decent conclusion and relied on each other, were now almost at each other’s throats. The world was cruel for doing such things to such once happy people.

“I can take the first shift tonight,” Simon offered after everyone went quiet. “I’ll wake Izzy afterwards.”

“Or you could not,” Isabelle said, beaming at her husband.

“Or I could,” Simon said. “I need my beauty sleep, honey.”

After they settled that Isabelle would take the second watch, they ate their little meal. Then they all split off for more ‘supplying hunting’. Though, for some reason, they all split off to separate areas of the supermarket as if they wanted some sort of privacy.

That much became obvious to Magnus when Alec started kissing him deeply. Magnus had forgotten the way Alec felt against him. The way his mouth moved against his, the way his body fit against his own, the way Alec’s hands travelled over his body. All of it was coming back to Magnus quickly.

They were on the floor and it would have been very uncomfortable if it weren’t for the fact Magnus paid no attention to that because Alec was on top of him. Their legs were intertwined, Alec’s hands up Magnus’ shirt, feeling his warm skin. How was there any way for Magnus to concentrate on anything other than that?

Magnus left Alec’s lips and trailed his mouth down his jaw and neck, sucking on the base with a force he knew was a little too strong. However, Alec had been so absent from him for so long, Magnus couldn’t help it. He needed Alec close, he needed to remember his body, the feel of him, the taste of his skin.

With a moan that vibrated through his body, Alec gripped hard at Magnus' shoulder. Magnus could feel the blood rushing through his body and down to his cock, making him hard. He hadn’t heard Alec moan like that in weeks, months even. It was the most beautiful sound Magnus knew.

Alec brought their lips together, crashing with teeth and tongue. Magnus moaned into his mouth and he could feel Alec grind his hips, sending a wave of pleasure coursing through Magnus’ body.

“We don’t have condoms,” Alec mumbled against Magnus’ mouth.

“Ah.” Magnus pulled away, both of them looking completely dishevelled.

“I’ll go look for some, wait here,” Alec said hurriedly and ran off around the corner.

When Alec found the single condom packet after locating a bottle of lube, the encounter went something like this:

Alec scrambled to find one and only one condom packet underneath the shelves, hidden at the back. When he stood, he found both Jace and Izzy waiting beside him.

“What?” Alec asked, his face flushing.

“Who said you get that?” Jace said, snatching the packet from his hand.

“No, no, no, I found it first,” Alec said and went to grab it back but Jace held it out of reach. Izzy snatched it from his hand. “Um, no.”

“I think I deserve it,” Izzy said.

“Magnus and I haven’t, you know,” Alec didn’t want to say it considering his sister was there. “For weeks, I think I deserve it.”

“That sucks for you then,” Jace said. “I need to right now, it’s the only thing keeping me going.”

“I’m more likely to get STDs or infections without one,” Alec said, picking it out his sister’s hand.

“We’re more likely to get pregnant. Are you saying STDs are worse than pregnancy?” Izzy said, shaking her head mockingly.

“I don’t really think the two are comparable. I’m just saying, STDs are not very curable when the dead are walking around.”

“You could do oral,” Jace suggested.

“So could you,” Alec retorted, feeling uncomfortable with Izzy beside him.

Jace snatched the condom again. “But also, I could have sex, sex.”

“So could I,” Izzy said.

“I do not want to think about that right now. You and Simon are not…“ Alec said, his shoulders tensing.

“We’re married, Alec.”

“It’s still weird for me. You’re my sister.”

“You’re _married_ sister.”

“Whilst you two argue,” Jace said, retreating down the aisle with both Alec and Izzy following him slowly. “I’m going to go have sex. If you want to follow me, that’s fine, but Clary’s already naked.”

Alec stopped instantly, Izzy took a few more steps before she stopped too. Jace grinned and rounded the corner, out of sight. The siblings, who were looking at each other awkwardly, then left too. Although Alec didn’t want to think about it, he really hoped his sister was not going to have unprotected sex because that was dangerous.

Back with Magnus, who felt like he had been waiting for years, saw Alec return and his face lit up. Alec’s disappointed face deflated Magnus’ mood. No condom meant difficulty for penetrative sex because, whilst neither had HIV or anything of the sort, infections could still occur if they went bareback.

Alec sat down next to him. “Jace got the only condom.”

Magnus’ heart sank. “We can still do, you know, other stuff.” Magnus smiled even though he did want to have full on sex.

“Can I ask you something about Woolsey?” Alec asked unexpectedly.

“Sure,” Magnus said, confused.

“Did you wear a condom? Or did he wear a condom? Or, I don’t know, whoever was doing the doing, was there a condom being worn?” Alec said, his voice awkward and small.

Magnus smiled gently before he spoke. “He wore a condom, yes.”

“ _He_ did? You got fucked by Woolsey?” Alec snorted.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Magnus asked, gently punching Alec’s shoulder.

“Nothing, nothing.” Alec snorted again. “It’s just, it’s _Woolsey.”_

“I’ve been fucked by you too, Mr. Lightwood,” Magnus said.

“I know, but that’s me,” Alec said, smiling at Magnus. “So no HIV then?”

“I love it when you talk dirty,” Magnus said, receiving a small punch from Alec.

“Could we go…?”

“Bareback?” Magnus finished for him. Then he shrugged. “I could pull out.”

“And that’d be okay?”

“I mean, the dead are kind of walking around, I think we could take a risk like this.”

“Surely that means we shouldn’t take risks?” Alec asked, creasing his brow.

“Who knows, the rules are all over the place,” Magnus said, leaning forward and pressing their mouths together.

There was a moment of hesitation before Alec gave in, bringing his hands to the back of Magnus’ neck. His hands were warm against Magnus’ skin, sending shivers down Magnus’ spine.

Magnus ran his hands up Alec’s chest, up his neck, and into his hair. He tugged at the strands, making Alec moan into his mouth and start massaging the skin on Magnus’ neck. Blood was rushing down to Magnus’ cock hurriedly, his cock swelling.

Pushing Alec down, Magnus placed his body atop Alec’s, feeling him align with his chest and crotch. They fit perfectly, Magnus’ legs set between Alec’s as they started grinding against each other, their jeans creating perfect friction.

Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus’ neck, their mouths still connected, and pulled him closer. Their tongues met in slow sessions, issuing their kiss wet. Magnus could feel heat radiating off Alec, his body burning with passion. Inside himself too, Magnus could feel sparks flying through him, showing it by moaning continuously into Alec’s mouth.

As Alec slid his hands up Magnus’ shirt again, he pushed it off over his head to reveal Magnus’ olive skin. He ran his hands over the muscle that had deteriorated because of the stress, but they were, slightly. His hands were exploring the curves that remained, relearning his body.

Magnus wanted to cup his face and turn it into a sweeter moment but he was too desperate to feel Alec, so he didn’t. Instead, he pulled Alec’s shirt over his head and brought his mouth to Alec’s neck, sucking and biting his way down to this stomach and over his hips. He grazed his teeth over his hipbone, making Alec whimper.

Alec’s happy trail disappeared beneath his black jeans and Magnus ran his tongue up Alec’s body before slipping his hands underneath the waistband. His skin was hot and Magnus pushed his hands even further in to grip at his round ass. Alec thrust his hips up at the contact, rubbing their cocks together.

Continuing to rotate his hips into Alec’s, Magnus set his lips on Alec’s neck again. His own mouth left wet and red marks against his beautifully pale skin. Every time he moved and sucked, Alec keened and pressed his body up to Magnus’, and Magnus’ cock throbbed at the contact.

When Magnus straightened up, he saw Alec’s neck and chest were covered in marks and he grinned. Alec’s pupils were blown in lust and Magnus couldn’t resist him, not when he looked like that.

Without any hesitation, Magnus undid Alec’s jeans and kicked off his own shoes as he felt Alec do the same. The both of them shuffled Alec’s trousers and underwear off, revealing Alec’s gorgeous cock. It made Magnus quiver.

Magnus left wet kisses down Alec’s body as he made his way to Alec’s curved cock. Once there, Magnus ran his tongue up his length in a long, slow motion and Alec desperately clung to Magnus’ hair. He licked the precum from the slit of Alec’s cock before setting his mouth around the sensitive head, licking the slit again to make Alec whimper noisily.

As Magnus ran his mouth up and down Alec’s length, he hollowed his cheeks and swallowed. He had missed the taste of Alec’s cock and he was going to do everything he could to savour it.

Alec couldn’t help but thrust up into Magnus’ mouth but Magnus could take it. He licked a long line using the base of his tongue from Alec’s hilt to the tip of his head, sucking once he got there. Magnus swallowed again as he started to suck in faster motions, using his hand to pump Alec’s cock at the same time.

With Alec pulling at Magnus’ hair, Magnus couldn’t help but moan against him. His own cock was pushing against his jeans painfully, aching. He felt himself thrusting against the fabric but he would prolong the sucking as long as he could for Alec deserved it.

He sucked Alec into his throat, taking him in deep as Alec couldn’t stop moaning. Precum continued to leak and Magnus swallowed it, swiping his tongue across Alec’s slit and Alec jerked his hips every time, unable to control himself as Magnus sucked and sucked. His tongue swiftly remembered Alec’s cock and his throat took him in with ease.

When Alec released a moan that probably could have been heard throughout the state, Magnus pulled away and undid his own jeans, pulling them over his legs with his underwear too. Magnus turned Alec around and kissed his way down Alec’s spine with an open mouth.

He settled on the hilt of Alec’s ass and bit his teeth into the flesh, making Alec moan from the depths of his throat. Magnus ran his tongue over the mark before spreading Alec and setting his tongue over his hole. Alec keened and melted into Magnus’ touch. Magnus licked repeatedly over Alec’s hole, wetting him and making Alec's knees buckle.

He switched between fast licks and long ones as he occasionally slapped Alec’s ass. The sound resonated, forcing blood to course through his body and for Alec to grind back into him. He was making the most erotic noises, making Magnus run his tongue over him more.

Digging his fingers into Alec’s muscle, hard enough to bruise, Magnus bit his ass again and Magnus could hear the whimper get caught in Alec’s throat. Magnus could no longer resist pressing his fingers into Alec wet hole. Alec hissed but he needed to be stretched for he hadn’t been fucked in weeks.

Magnus gripped Alec’s hip as he massaged his finger inside Alec. Once or twice, he played at Alec’s prostate which made him jerk in a fit of pleasure. Magnus watched as he bit his lip, which made Magnus massage his prostate again before he pressed a second finger in.

Magnus bit his own lip enough to pierce the skin as his own cock throbbed, longing to feel Alec around him once again. Alec needed more stretching, so he scissored his fingers, making Alec groan and rut his hips back onto Magnus’ fingers. Apparently the other occupants of the supermarket had been forgotten at this point.

No longer able to resist him, Magnus removed his fingers and drenched his cock in lube. They had never done bareback before, Magnus always deeming safety as the most important thing but sometimes they needed to take risks. Passion sometimes overwhelmed them.

Magnus pressed the head of his cock into Alec’s opening and Alec gasped. The pressure building up in Magnus’ cock was relieved a little and he rocked his hips forward as Alec brought himself up so Magnus could hold him close into his body.

He was almost sure they were going too quickly, too soon but they couldn’t stop. Magnus was eager to get Alec fully onto his cock, to relieve the tightening in his stomach. They were going fast, Alec moaning at every thrust as he gripped onto Magnus’ hips that were pumping into him.

His thighs were slapping into Alec’s ass as his fingers dug deep into Alec’s skin. Settling his mouth on Alec’s neck, he sucked hard again, not believing that there was still skin there that wasn’t sucked. Magnus dug his teeth in, Alec whimpering desperately.

Inside his stomach, Magnus was tightening and untightening. His cock throbbed inside Alec who was pulsing around him. Blood filled his cock, making him harder than he felt like he had ever been before.

As he started pumping Alec’s solid cock, his thrusting sped up. He did it out of time with his rutting, making Alec beg for him to go faster. Magnus smiled into the crook of Alec’s neck, his breath hot and laboured. Alec brought one hand up to Magnus hair, twisting his body and tugging hard, making Magnus curse in arousal.

He wasn’t always into hair pulling, but when Alec was desperate like this, calling his name over and over, Magnus fell in love with it. He pounded harder into Alec, his cock throbbing in need of a climax. Alec’s hard cock was pulsing in his hand, and Magnus pumped him faster, his hand reaching Alec’s sensitive head roughly, which Alec seemed to enjoy.

There had been a rhythm to Magnus’ thrusting but that was starting to be lost. He kept massaging Alec’s prostate and Alec was making the sexiest sounds that made Magnus even more arrhythmic. Slapping himself harder and harder into Alec, he could feel his stomach tight, craving his orgasm.

Magnus pulled himself out just in time, his cock sliding between Alec’s cheeks before he came over his back. His cock twitched as the come spurted out in hot and fast loads. Even as he came, he continued to pump Alec’s gorgeously hard cock.

Alec came a few seconds later, their timing being a lot faster than usual. Alec hunched himself over, his come covering the supermarket floor. Magnus leaned on Alec, their bodies colliding as they breathed erratically.

As Magnus climbed off of Alec, he collapsed onto the floor onto his back. Alec, who was breathing madly, collapsed down next to him on his back as well. They smiled at each other, bringing their lips together as their breath hotly fell over their faces.

“We should probably get dressed,” Alec said, a smile planted firmly on his lips.

“I think I need a minute,” Magnus said. “I haven’t done that in a while.”

“You’ve done it more than me recently,” Alec said and he grinned.

“So we’re making jokes about it?” Magnus asked, hoping they were. If they could joke about it, they could move on. Magnus wanted to move on.

“I guess so,” Alec said, sitting up and pulling his underwear on. “Maybe if we joke about it enough, everyone else will chill out.”

“Does Jace hate me?” Magnus asked as he followed suit and started dressing. Magnus, whilst he wouldn’t always admit it, liked Jace. They got on well, they had a similar sense of humour. If Jace hated Magnus for what he did to Alec, Magnus would understand but he wanted forgiveness. If Alec could do it, then Jace could too, right?

“No,” Alec said, standing as he put his shirt on, now fully dressed. “He just misses a nice bed. He thinks we’re stupid to come out here and he’s looking for excuses and someone to blame. He focused on you and I’m sorry about that.”

“It is partly my fault,” Magnus said. He stood to join Alec and they made their way to the main area of floor, not willing to sleep in their come and also wanting blankets. “I mean, we’d still be there if I hadn’t drunkenly had sex with that guy, his name escapes me.” Magnus grinned at Alec.

Alec snorted. “I bet it does.”

The two of them lay down on the blankets and coats, Alec settling down with his back to the floor and Magnus lying on his chest. The soothing rhythm of Alec’s breathing was all Magnus needed to feel good again.

There was so much love in Magnus’ heart. For Alec, for life, Magnus was immensely in love and immensely ready to jump back into everything with both feet. Alec was his one love, the man he loved more than anything on the entire planet. He wanted to be with him for the rest of his life, he needed Alec to know that for he had pretty much realised that the second they met.

“Do you remember when we met?” Magnus asked softly when he felt Alec go calm and serene.

“Mhm,” Alec replied quietly. “Are we reminiscing now?”

“We most definitely are,” Magnus said, smiling up to Alec who smiled back. “You just got that dog that you were deathly allergic to-,”

“Max wanted him, I know.”

“You were walking him in the park and you couldn’t stop sneezing and I was there with my coffee and my newspaper and no mood to be disturbed whatsoever. I couldn’t concentrate because of all the goddamn noise you were making-,”

“Sorry for not dying quietly,” Alec said, pinching Magnus’ side.

“I forgive you. That little dog ran up to me and wouldn’t leave my lap and I was so confused when this little boy came up with the most mischievous grin I have ever seen. His little eyes were bright and I was just wondering what on earth was happening and then you came over. You were so out of breath and you were hunched over but I could see your beautiful blue eyes, so blue I got lost in them-,”

“How cheesy of you,” Alec said and Magnus could hear the humour.

“I know, it’s terrible isn’t it? I can remember even now, falling in love with the way you apologised over and over again like a broken a record. I think I knew then I was going to fall hopelessly in love with you.”

“I didn’t realise you could make it any cheesier.”

“Did you not fall in love with my gorgeous cheekbones and manly physique?” Magnus asked, almost offended.

“My eyes had gone a little puffy, I couldn’t see much.”

“You were so allergic,” Magnus said, smiling at the memory.

“Max wanted him,” Alec repeated, his voice turning sombre. “I’d do anything for Max.”

Magnus remembered Max and felt himself go quiet. He didn’t want Alec to linger on that, he didn’t want Alec to be stuck on the memory of his little brother. So he did what he could to help him move on.

“Do you remember, about two and a half years ago, we went on a date back to the place where we went on our third date?” Magnus asked.

Alec nodded slowly. “The first time we went, we had spaghetti like ‘ _Lady and the Tramp’_.”

“And we totally made out, which was awesome.” Magnus remembered it fondly. “When we went back there, do you remember what happened?”

Alec nodded solemnly this time. “My father turned up with Annamarie and we had a huge argument in the middle of the restaurant where he swore me to secrecy from mum. It was horrible. Why would you want me to remember that?”

“Before your father came in,” Magnus said slowly. “I was going to propose.”

“What?” Alec’s voice had taken a higher pitch, clearly not expecting it.

“It was one of the hottest days of the summer and you thought it was weird how I wouldn’t take my jacket off, yeah?” Magnus said. “The ring was in my pocket and I didn’t want to risk taking it off my person.” Magnus smiled widely up at Alec whose eyes had gone strangely sad.

“You were going to propose?” Alec’s voice was small.

Magnus nodded. “For weeks afterwards, I was planning on when to do it, if I should do it in the small hours of the morning or after you came in from work, but it never seemed perfect enough. Then this whole thing happened and it just, well, it just didn't happen.”

“Where’s the ring?”

“I left it back at home. It was gorgeous. It was pure silver and it had these three little diamonds in, with the middle one being bigger. Let me tell you, it was bloody expensive,” Magnus said, grinning at Alec whose eyes were still sad. He had had no idea and he had thought Magnus had never wanted to marry him and here he was, saying he had wanted to for years.

“But you don’t like marriage? Your parents, you said their marriage was so messed up, you didn’t think it was worth it?” Alec said, confusion in his voice.

“I never thought it was.” Magnus paused. “Then I met you and, I don’t know, it went out the window and I realised that, sure, you don’t need to get married to demonstrate your love, but I wanted to. And I know this past while I’ve been all over the place but it’s because I’ve felt guilty about not ever proposing. I just wanted it to be perfect and I wanted you to know that I loved you, but I messed it up. I’m sorry.”

Magnus had held it in for so long, getting it out was like a weight off of his body. The tension had risen, he had confessed everything he needed to and it was wonderful, Magnus needed it.

“It’s going to sound like the cheesiest thing in the world but I’m going to say it anyway,” Alec began. “But it would have been perfect if you had just done it, no matter when or where.”

Magnus pushed himself up and beamed down at Alec. “You absolute cheese ball.”

Alec smiled, his eyes bright. Bringing their lips together in a gentle movement, Magnus brought his hand to Alec’s neck and massaged his skin tenderly with his fingers. Alec hummed lightly into Magnus’ mouth and Magnus could feel Alec smile into his lips.

They broke apart and both of their faces were engulfed by their smiles. Magnus rested his head on Alec’s chest again and he fell asleep to the perfect rhythm of his breathing. Magnus had been forgiven and he felt like they would be okay, if not better than they were before. Finally, Magnus would remember the real meaning in life, Alec and their love. They had friends and they had each other. That was what Magnus needed and he finally had it again.

Magnus couldn’t believe it, but everything was going well. Sure, they were falling asleep on a supermarket floor with only blankets for comfort in the middle of the apocalypse, but it wasn’t all that bad because Magnus had love and he had his Alec. Everything was perfect.


	12. We Face Up To Awful Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What I said at the beginning about things getting dark around this chapter, well that is very much happening. Things get dark very quickly, so this is just a major trigger warning for those who need it. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy x

>  “We face up to awful things because we can't go around them, or forget them. The sooner you say 'Yes, it happened, and there's nothing I can do about it,' the sooner you can get on with your own life. You've got children to bring up. So you've got to get over it. What we have to get over, somehow we do. Even the worst things.”  
>  ― Annie Proulx, _The Shipping News_

_Alec_

Everything was not perfect.

During the night, Simon had fallen asleep and not awoken Izzy when he was meant to, meaning that a group of people had come in without them knowing. Alec had awoken in a fit of confusion as he was bagged over the head and dragged in a direction he did not know by his now tied feet.

His hands had been tied too and he desperately tried to break out of the situation but the ties were tight. He called out for Magnus but made no noise because he had been gagged as well. He was a light sleeper and was confused by how they had managed to do it all without waking him.

However, he was not focused on that because he was being dragged across the floor and then into some sort of vehicle and he didn’t know where his boyfriend was or where his sister was or where anyone was. He was in a van or the back of car and he was being driven somewhere.

Was he alone? Was he the only one alive? Were these people going to kill him? Alec was scared, he could feel it in his bones, his breathing fast and getting caught in his throat at the same time too. There were no voices around, all he could hear was the sound of the car engine and his own breathing resonating in his ears louder than he thought possible.

They drove for what seemed like hours, no one talking or making a sound. Alec could only see the black of his bag. His mouth was dry from the gag, his throat too. When they finally stopped, Alec thought he was going to die and he was glad that he had spent his final moments with Magnus, making love to him and finally forgiving him. Hearing the story that Magnus was going to propose had been the absolute perfect send off.

He was thrown out of the vehicle and marched outside. From the heat of the sun, Alec could tell it was around midday. Then they were inside and Alec was sent through corridors, the sound of multiple footsteps resonating through Alec’s ears.

Then there was the sound of a door opening and closing and Alec was suddenly sat down in a chair, his hands bound behind him. He could feel himself shaking. He had never been in a situation like this, hell, he had never _expected_ to be in a situation like this. His heart was throwing itself against his ribcage and he couldn’t breathe.

The bag was ripped from Alec’s head and everything was a blinding shade of white as his eyes adjusted. As everything came into focus, Alec saw he was in an old room with shabby walls and a heavy-duty door that had about a thousand locks on it. There was one tiny window to his left and that was it.

Inside the room were two other people. One was a tall man with almost white hair and incredibly dark eyes and the other man had a thick scar on his face with black locks that were streaked with long lines of grey. The white haired man had a look of evil in his eyes, the other was looking at Alec with fear it would seem.

“Hello,” The white haired man said, his face wicked with a smile.

Alec said nothing. Mainly it was because all the words were stuck in his throat, but there was a part of him that thought it would be better to remain quiet.

“My name’s Valentine, this is Hodge. You know, we hadn’t found anyone in our supermarket for months, we’d almost given up hope of finding people again.”

“ _Your_ supermarket?” Alec asked, his voice quiet and tense.

“Mhm,” Valentine said, the grin making his eyes shine in a way that made Alec shiver, hairs upright and pressing against his clothing.

“We didn’t know it was yours.” Alec’s voice shook.

“Well, how could you?” Valentine’s grin grew, engulfing his face like a wolf hunting its prey. “We found you lying with that man with the green eyes. Asian, right?”

Alec swallowed. He could feel himself stiffen further, his jaw clenched.

“Don’t worry about him, my son’s seeing to him now. I think he can take it.” Valentine chuckled and it pierced Alec’s soul.

“What do you want?” Alec asked, fearing he was going to tear up. He would not cry, not in front of these people.

Hodge looked sympathetic but he was not the one talking.

“We’d like to have some fun. We’ve grown bored of each other, a nice new face, that’s what we want.”

“We haven’t done anything to you.”

“I didn’t say you had.” Valentine laughed again, laughing at Alec.

“Then why?”

Valentine shrugged. “Why not? The world’s turned to shit, we can do what we want.”

“ _This_ is what you want?”

Valentine’s dark eyes drew into a storm as he stepped forward, arching his back to look Alec in the eyes. “Don’t question me.” His voice was fierce and harsh. “I think I’ll go see to your boyfriend with my son, I’m sure we could have some fun in there.”

Alec went to say something but Valentine slammed the door shut before he could, leaving him alone with Hodge.

“I’m sorry,” Hodge said quietly.

Alec looked him up and down. He was more dishevelled than Valentine, his hair messier, his shirt more ripped and less fitted. He didn’t look like the type that would do what Alec had heard about people doing.

People turned sick in the head, they tortured people, abused them. Alec had never experienced it, he thought they were merely rumours. But clearly he was wrong. The world had ended and the dead were walking around but the bigger fear was of the people. How much sense did that make?

“We didn’t do anything.” Alec’s voice was more confident now. Hodge seemed like someone he could reason with.

“I know, it’s just the way these people are.” His voice was hoarse.

“Please. My family, my sister.”

Hodge looked at the floor, his shoulders sinking. “I pray to Raziel they make it quick.”

“Make what quick?” Alec asked, his voice full of fear. “Make what quick?”

Hodge sighed and rested his back against the wall. “I’m really sorry.”

“Please, Hodge, please.” Alec’s voice was shaking and he sounded so uncertain.

Alec could feel his blood go cold, everything about him sinking and losing all hope. Everyone was still alive, Alec was sure of that, but whether they would be for much longer, Alec really had no idea. He had no idea where they were or how many people were there and it was freaking Alec out.

“Please.” Alec was getting desperate. He needed everyone to be safe, he needed to know that they were safe. “Please.”

“Why are you out here?” Hodge asked, baffled. “Everyone has somewhere to be now.”

“We had a town.”

“It get overrun?”

“No, we left.”

“You should have stayed,” Hodge said and he sounded pitiful.

“Please, I’ll do anything.”

“Do _not_ tell them that,” Hodge said, his voice imploring.

“What? Why?”

“Please, don’t say that.”

“But-,” Alec’s voice cracked.

“No. Do not say that. You don’t know what they’ve done, you have not seen the things I’ve seen.” Hodge sounded like a war veteran, remembering the dead bodies he’d seen or the torture he’d done. “Please, keep quiet, it’ll be better.”

“I don’t want to die.”

Hodge glanced at Alec and they made eye contact for a moment. Alec could see a youth in his eyes that had been taken away because of the stress in his life. Alec didn’t know what he’d seen or what he’d done, but he could guess that it wasn’t all that pleasant.

“I can’t help you,” Hodge said.

“Please.”

“What’s your name?”

“Alec,” Alec answered, hoping he was getting through to him. He looked sad, maybe Alec was going to be okay.

“Who are your family? What are their names?”

“Can you help them?”

“Just tell me.”

Alec quickly explained who his family were and gave him a quick overview about what they had been through so far, hoping that Hodge would take pity on them. He seemed sympathetic so Alec tried his best to convince him. Hodge failed to tell him anything about his family or where they were but Alec wasn’t going to give up on them.

When Hodge was about to say something back to Alec, the door opened and a man came in. He looked much like Valentine but his eyes were darker and his face younger. Alec would have looked more at his face and features, but his hands were bloodied. If this was the son Valentine had been speaking about, then he had been in the room with Magnus.

“Your little boyfriend holds up well,” The new guy said, his voice ugly and unpleasant to Alec’s ears.

“Why?” Alec asked, confusion pummelling through him.

“He wouldn’t talk, this is how we deal with that.”

“We don’t know you. You don’t know us, this seems so stupid.”

“ _Stupid_?”

Alec wished he hadn’t said it. The new guy rounded on him, his eyes full of a burning rage. Sincerely, Alec thought he was going to die.

“You dare such a thing.”

“Can’t you just let us see each other?” Alec was sounding desperate, but that’s because he was.

“Why would we?”

“Because we’re good people.”

“So are we.”

Alec scoffed. “You literally kidnapped us from a supermarket whilst we were asleep.”

Not liking Alec’s tone, the new guy smacked Alec across the face with a closed fist. Pain seared through his cheek and Alec winced, feeling the skin open and start to seep. Whoever this new guy was, Valentine’s son seemed to very much like the sight of Alec in pain for he punched Alec again.

Despite the throbbing, Alec could feel the adrenaline start to pump through his system and he wanted to stand up and fight this stranger. But his fists were bound and his feet were tied to the chair, so he could do nothing but take it.

Fist after fist was thrown, tearing the skin open and bruising his face as the blood rushed to it. Every muscle inside Alec was straining, desperately wanting to get up and defend himself but he was stuck. There was nothing he could do but take it and it made him feel weak and useless.

The length in which he was being beaten, Alec did not know for he passed out. When he awoke, his entire face screamed out at him, blood weeping from the open skin, dripping down his face. Every movement made more blood seep from his wounds and it felt like he might bleed out, though he wasn’t sure because he didn’t know how badly he had been beaten.

When he looked up, which was one of the most testing experiences of Alec’s life, he saw that there was no one else in the room. The window outside indicated that it was night for it was entirely dark. Alec could see the tips of trees, unmoving, looking dead to the world despite the fact they were fully leaved and alive.

At first, Alec thought he had awoken naturally, but then he heard the screaming. It was female, coming from somewhere near in the building. It was either Izzy or Clary and neither made Alec feel any good. Unfortunately, the tones of screaming were not decipherable to one’s voice and Alec wished with all of his being that it would stop, but it wouldn’t.

It went on for what seemed like hours, piercing Alec’s very soul. There was a part of Alec that hoped this was all a terrible nightmare and that he would eventually wake up and be within Magnus’ arms.

But the pain and fear was so real. There was no way for it to be a nightmare because Alec could feel his cuts, sore against the air and his heart throwing itself around in fear, pounding in his ears. Everything inside Alec wanted to push him up and get out, find his family, and leave. But he couldn’t.

Never had Alec been in a situation like this before. When did the world get so messed up that strangers did this to strangers? Sure, there were World Wars before and people killed other people, but why would they continue to do such horrific things in such horrific ways after the dead rose from the ground?

How did it make sense that Alec should fear the people more than the undead? In what world did that make sense? Alec had absolutely no idea but he wished with every ounce of his being that it wasn’t the case, that the world was not so changed.

But here he was, tied to a chair with a beaten and bloodied face with no hope of escape. He could hear voices, people yelling, people screaming. Were they the only group here? What did they want? Why wouldn’t they let them be?

A couple of days passed, Alec was sure of that even though it was tough to keep track with all the beatings and the erratic sleeping patterns. Every now and again, a small platter of food was brought in and fed to Alec for they wouldn’t free his hands. It was only ever Hodge that came in to feed him, which Alec was glad for. Anyone else probably would have just watched as Alec attempted to eat by himself, laughing at him as he struggled.

It was demeaning but what was more demeaning was going to the toilet. They brought in a bucket at the start and Alec was forced to hold it in, though he never had much to give anyway for the food was so poor, until Hodge came in and dragged him over to it. It was a form of torture Alec had never even considered, not ever, not even when he watched war films or anything of the kind.

Hodge didn’t really talk to him when he came in and Alec put it down to guilt. Still, only having seen Valentine and his son, Alec could tell Hodge was not like them. He didn’t know what had brought Hodge and Valentine together, but Hodge clearly hadn’t been all that corrupted by the others. Or that’s the impression Alec got.

Alec didn’t know for sure. Alec didn’t even know where he was or where the others were, so he shouldn’t have been making assumptions about the characters of these people, the ones that were torturing and beating him. Feeling totally alone, Alec didn’t know what to think.

His mind was slowly going to its most sombre areas, to the corners of his darkest thoughts. Not being able to know where anyone was or how the others were doing, Alec wasn’t able to think about anything good. He wanted Magnus, he wanted Izzy, he wanted Jace, and Clary, and Simon. He wanted them back, wanted to see their faces and hold them again.

But Alec didn’t even know if they were alive. Everything went quiet for hours and then there would be a burst of screams or yells that would awake Alec or make him hyperventilate for what felt like hours in itself. In the past, Alec had had a few problems with anxiety, but he had been able to overcome those dark and claustrophobic thoughts by having those he loved around him, and it hadn’t troubled him since the beginning of the undead days.

Now, without knowing where the others were or how they were doing, it was coming back. Slowly, but surely, Alec could feel his chest tightening and not ever opening up again. It released when Hodge came in, but it wouldn’t last long before he left and the screams started up.

They had been through so much already, they did not deserve this. When things were finally looking up, they seemed to plummet. Alec was finally able to hold Magnus again and now he hadn’t seen his face in what could have been five days at this point, Alec couldn’t recall exactly.

Then, as if hearing his thoughts, Hodge entered. It wasn’t time for food, so Alec was confused, Hodge being out of breath adding to that confusion. His hair was dishevelled and his eyes were frantic. He shut the door behind him quietly before he approached Alec and knelt before him. The open wounds on his face throbbed and Alec winced, his face tight and sore but he looked into Hodge’s eyes all the same.

“I can help you,” Hodge said, his voice quiet.

“You can?”

“Yes. Come with me,” Hodge said and he brought a knife out. Alec flinched, he wanted to trust him but it wasn’t easy. “Don’t be worried, I’m here to help.”

Hodge went around to the back of the chair and cut off Alec’s binding ropes and then the ones that tied him to the chair as well. Alec stood up and went to thank him but Hodge put a finger to his own lips to quiet him. Nodding, Alec followed Hodge out of the room and into the corridor.

There wasn’t much time to look around, but Alec caught that it was a one floored building for the roof was slanted above Alec’s head. It felt almost like a shelter, like a fallout one perhaps, but the windows made it clear that it was no such thing. The walls were a shade of clinical green but it did not seem to be any form of hospital.

Following Hodge through many corridors, Alec could not tell where they were for he had seen nothing like the place they were in at all. It was dark and dingy and not at all nice. There seemed to be many corridors and many doors, but Hodge seemed to know where he was going despite the maze they were in.

They turned a corner and Alec thought he might finally get to see his family again. There was no screaming now, but it didn’t make Alec feel any better. People could stop screaming because they stopped hurting or they passed out or, in fact, because they died.

Only one of those options was favourable to Alec. The corridor was long and there was a door coming up on their left which Alec could tell was open. Someone was standing outside it, but not someone Alec knew. This man was short with a beard and greying sideburns. He had an evil glint in his eye as he looked at Hodge and Alec with a furrowed brow.

He went to speak but Hodge shook his head and mouthed something Alec couldn’t quite make out. Alec went to stop but was too intrigued and too desperate to see his family. He carried on, tensing his shoulders.

The blood on his face had dried and he wiped it off as best as he could. It was scabbing and Alec could tell it was staining his pale skin but he didn’t care. Appearances were not exactly important anymore so Alec continued wiping at his face until he passed the short, bearded man.

He almost missed what was in the open door. It was a hunched over body, one with olive skin which was visible because his shirt was off, set in the corner of the room. There was a man stood over his body with blue eyes and long blonde hair, and bloodied hands. He had been beating him.

“Magnus!” Alec called and he tried to run into the room but was grabbed around the waist by the bearded man who was much stronger than Alec thought he would be.

All eyes turned to Alec, the blonde haired man and Magnus’. For a second, his vision did not settle and his eyes were blurry. But then he saw Alec and his eyes lit up and he went to push himself up but his body was weak and he could not manage it.

“Nate, if you will,” The bearded man said, his voice rough.

The blonde man, Nate, scoffed and kicked Magnus in the side. Alec, not knowing he had the strength in him, smacked the man holding him in the face with his elbow, breaking his hold around his stomach.

Surging forward, Alec attempted to run towards Magnus who seemed a thousand miles away even though he was right there, within arm’s reach. Magnus, who looked weak and distraught and without any energy at all, reached a hand out to Alec who, in turn, tried to grab him.

Just before he could reach, his feet were swept out from underneath him. Alec braced himself with his hands but his forehead still hit the stone flooring with a considerable smack. Everything went blinding white and pain seared through Alec’s head and down his neck which felt like it had cracked.

A hand grasped one of his own and it felt familiar and soft and warm. Even though Alec’s head was throbbing and he could barely see, he looked up and saw Magnus. His eyes were naked with fear as he held onto Alec’s fingers tightly, squeezing them hard.

He mouthed ‘I love you’ before he was kicked in the side again and he practically yelped. Alec tried to grab his hand as it slid out of reach but Alec was pulled up and away, thrown out of the room and away from Magnus where the sound of a foot being slammed into a body rang through Alec’s ears.

Even though Alec was a strong, six foot tall man, all of the energy left his body as he struggled against the bearded man who was much shorter than him. There was a moment where Alec felt like he was the strongest person in the world and he could break out of that grip no matter how strong it was. But the sound of Magnus being beaten, the sight of him looking so lost, it didn’t help the lack of strength Alec actually had.

He was thrown forward and he carried on walking, his head still throbbing. Was Hodge helping him? It didn’t seem like that was the case but Alec wanted to believe it. There still had to be some good in the world, right?

Another door came up and Alec stopped walking. The bearded man went before him and opened the door and Hodge shoved him forward. There was no good in the world.

“I trusted you, Hodge,” Alec spat at him.

“We needed you out of that room,” Hodge said. “We’re moving your sister in there.”

Alec rounded on him, his eyes going dark. “I thought you were helping me.”

“No,” Hodge said but he looked away. He pushed Alec forward again by his shoulder and Alec went into the room. Suddenly, he wished he was outside, in a world that made more sense to him than in the world where strangers were beating them.

“Axel, lock it afterwards,” Hodge said but his voice was smaller than it was commanding.

Axel nodded after Alec was thrown in. The door slammed with an enormous bang and Alec smacked his hands against, resting his forehead against the cool metal. His head was throbbing, his mind unclear. His Magnus was being beaten and there was nothing Alec could do to stop it.

“Alec?” A weak voice asked from behind him.

Alec turned around slowly to see another body he knew well, hunched over and weak. The golden locks of his hair were stained and bloody, his usually bright eyes dull and lifeless. He smiled meekly and Alec felt his body go numb.

“Jace,” Alec said and he went over to Jace slowly, kneeling before him as Jace sat up.

He too was shirtless, his skin bloody with lashes that looked as though he had been whipped. Alec hoped to Raziel that that was not the case but he knew not what these people could do. Jace loathed crying but there was a streak or two down his dirty and bloody face that Alec could not help but notice. His face was bruised heavily, swollen around his eyes and cheeks. This was not the handsome Jace that Alec knew, though he knew his own face would be faring little better, it too was sore with swelling and bruises and wounds.

“What did they do?” Alec asked, bringing his hands to Jace’s shoulders and gripping them lightly, his own injuries feeling like nothing in comparison. The level of nakedness bothered them not.

“A tender play fight, that’s all.” Jace smiled again but there was no energy behind it.

“They couldn’t beat out your humour then,” Alec said, smiling a little.

“That comes as a part of my soul,” Jace said. “That isn’t going anywhere.”

They paused.

The door opened and Axel entered.

“Didn’t you just come in here?” Jace asked. “Are you lost?”

“I don’t think you’ve got it in you, Jonathan,” Axel said and Jace flinched. “I’m going to pay another visit to your boyfriend, Mr. Lightwood. I want you to know, I’m not going to beat him because he’s gay-,”

“He’s not gay,” Alec said but he wasn’t sure why.

Axel seemed pleased. “Oh really? Camille will love that. She wasn’t going to go near him if that was the case, but, well, that _is_ interesting. I think I’ll tell her.”

“What does that mean?” Alec asked, swallowing and going to stand.

Axel said nothing as he backed out of the room. Alec ran towards the door as fast as his legs would carry him but it was slammed in his face. He grabbed at the handle and pried it open with all of the strength that he had. There was a moment of fight between Alec and Axel, each one of them fighting for their side of the door.

Axel called out a name, Maureen, and someone else was at the door, pulling it closed. Alec could not fight against the both of them and the door was slammed shut again. It was locked with noisy click that ran through Alec’s body. He cursed.

“Have you met them yet?” Jace asked, sounding unbothered by the encounter.

Alec turned around and joined Jace on the floor. He didn’t know what he had just brought on Magnus but it didn’t sound like it was going to be pleasant. Once again, Alec had no hope of helping the man he loved. Trying not to think about what would be happening, Alec brought his attention to Jace.

“Who?” Alec asked, trying not to focus on how thin Jace had become, the bones protruding from underneath the tight skin.

“The women.” Jace’s voice was weak. “I’ve met three so far, Maureen, Jessamine, and Camille. I don’t know if there are anymore, but they all suck.”

“I haven’t seen any women,” Alec said.

“Jessamine is completely in love with Nate, like she does everything he says-,”

“Nate?”

Jace nodded.

“He was the one that was just beating Magnus,” Alec said, the words tasting like bile.

“He’s been at it for nine days, that’s what Jessamine said.”

 _Nine days?_ There was no way they had been there that long. Alec didn’t remember the days passing like that, there surely had not been that many. Sure, he had been passed out and long hours had passed, but it hadn’t been nine days. There was no way.

Sure, his facial hair had started to grow again, and Jace’s was there too, but it hadn’t been nine days. That was impossible. Alec felt like he had a firm grip on reality and time, nine days passing, it was an impossibility. It had to be.

“Alec?” Jace prompted, signalling that he had been quiet for some time.

“What do you mean nine days?”

“What?”

“We’ve been here _nine days_?” Alec asked, desperately confused.

“No,” Jace said, shaking his head.

Relief washed over him. It was still a confusing thing to say, perhaps Jace was exaggerating for he was an overdramatic man. Alec always liked to think he had a hold on time and how to count it. Lose grip on that and Alec thought he’d lose grip on everything else as well.

“We’ve been here for almost three weeks,” Jace corrected, slowly and weakly.

Alec’s head snapped up to look at Jace who had no expression of exaggeration whatsoever. There was no way, Alec wouldn’t believe it. Time had passed, but not that much. There was no way Alec was going to believe it.

Had he been tortured that long? Had he been away from reality for so long that he had forgotten what time passing felt like? Alec had about a thousand thoughts rushing through him at once. He’d been away from Magnus and the rest of his family for that long and barely noticed it. It made him feel readily sick.

“How do you know?” Alec asked quickly.

“I haven’t done much sleeping. They tried to knock me out but it didn’t go well,” Jace explained, wincing as he stretched. “You didn’t know?”

Alec shook his head as he explained that he had been knocked and that that may have been the cause as to why he didn’t know how much time had passed. A wave of guilt hit him as he thought about it. Magnus, Izzy, they had been suffering for almost twenty-one days and Alec had had no idea.

He had not fulfilled his duties as a brother or as a boyfriend or as a friend. They had been suffering without him and he had not been with them, not helped them at all. Time had passed and Alec had not realised. How could he have been so cruel?

After the two of them had sat in silence for what Alec thought were hours but he did nothing to assume it anymore for he had forgotten what real time was, Jace explained what Maureen and Camille were like. Alec did not like the sound of them.

From the sounds of it, Maureen was a mad woman. She had cut into Jace’s skin whilst smiling manically at him. She sat with Jace for hours but she did not speak to him whatsoever, she merely stared at him with wild and crazed eyes, making Jace’s skin crawl.

Camille, in a much different way, sounded worse. According to Jace, she had tried to seduce him. She had flirted, offered him a means of escape if he gave himself to her, which he said he wouldn’t. Then she had gone to Clary’s room, telling him that she would tell her to scream even if she didn’t want to because, if she didn’t she would go back to Jace’s room.

Now that Alec knew that, hearing what Axel had said made his blood run cold. What was she going to do to him? Would he resist? If it would save Magnus, Alec would have no problem with anything he did, he just didn’t want Magnus to suffer.

Alec asked Jace if he knew what they were doing or why they were doing all of this, and Jace just shrugged. He said that they seemed like the kind of people that would be waiting for something like the apocalypse so they could torture and do as they pleased. Some people were messed up and, when they saw the dead rise up, they became even crazier.

A few times, Alec had seen people go mad, not to the extent these people were, but to such a place where Alec recognised them no longer. Seeing people come back from the dead, few people took it well. Some just took it worse.

One of the people Alec knew had cut his own eyeballs out so he wouldn’t have to see the devastation that the world was in. Alec remembered walking in on him just after he started cutting into his second eye, the other one hanging loose from its socket.

After almost throwing up, Alec ran to him and tried to get him to stop but he was adamant. He started shouting about how, if he didn’t have to see it then it wasn’t real and he continued to gouge his own eyes out until he lay on the floor in shock. Alec had tried desperately help him, to call for aid, but none had come and he bled to death in front of him.

It was no strange thing, to see people turned mad because of what they saw. Some went crazy, some went to torture, it was the way it was. Luckily, Alec had never encountered the latter but, now he had and he wished it upon no one else.

They were not predictable, they were not talking, they were not letting up, they were completely confusing for Alec. They didn’t seem to have a goal in mind, they didn’t seem to have plan. There was nothing that could be done and that’s what scared Alec the most.

No matter what Alec said or did, there was nothing to persuade these people. They seemed set on the idea of torture for torture’s sake. If nothing could be done, the inevitability of their fate was heavy. Alec always liked the idea that any situation could be changed, that anything could happen. But if it couldn’t, then what could Alec do but take it? It was not something Alec liked.

With all of Alec’s might, he hoped the world was not so mad even though he knew it was. People were still people, they could always be persuaded, right? There was always something deep down that brought out people’s morals, there had to be.

Yet again, the door opened and Alec flinched at the sound though he didn’t know why. A woman, nay, a _girl_ walked in for she was no older than fifteen, at a push. She was very small with blonde hair and incredibly wide and ecstatic eyes. She wore a sadistic smile that chilled Alec’s core.

“Hello, Jace!” Her voice was high and excitable.

Alec heard Jace shuffle behind him but his gaze was fixed on her. How was she so young and with such people? It didn’t sit well with Alec. She seemed mad, driven insane by something.

“You’ve got a friend, that’s so nice for you.” She closed the door behind her and crept towards Alec, her gaze set on him. Alec froze underneath that gaze, and gulped. She had a knife in her hand.

She was small and Alec and Jace could have taken her down with ease, hell, they could have taken her down singly. But they didn’t. They didn’t move. Perhaps it was the knife in her hand, perhaps it was the fact that she probably had reinforcements behind the door. What was more likely was that it was because she was such a small and petite girl. Fighting her, it would have been so wrong, so morally incorrect.

“We just got started on your sister.” Maureen’s words were menacing but her tone was bright and happy. “She is lasting so well, I’m so proud of her. You passed out so quickly, we didn’t get much time to work on you. Now, however, we can. I mean, sure, you’re with little Jace, but he’s fine. He’ll let you be.”

“No, I won’t,” Jace said, his voice shakier than Alec had ever heard it.

“Honey, please, we’ve gotten to know each other so well,” Maureen said. “If you want me to bring Nate in, I can. That’s fine.”

“Isn’t Nate with Magnus?” Alec asked, his focus not leaving her even though she actually frightened him. Such a small and young girl frightened six foot, three inch Alexander Lightwood. The world was crazy.

“Oh, he finished. Don’t worry about that.” Maureen flashed a smile that made Alec’s blood freeze. “I guess I’ll bring him in.”

“It’d be lovely to see him again,” Jace said, forcing his humour out. “I’ve missed his face.” It sounded wrong, completely fake.

Maureen laughed, it was high-pitched and awful. She called Nate in with her cheery voice and Alec noticed the broken skin over his knuckles. In a hurried movement, he pulled Jace up, bringing in two chairs before he tied him to a chair and, so unlike Jace, he did not struggle. Then he did the same with Alec, who struggled more but was punched in the gut and struggled no more.

“Let him be,” Jace said, his voice raspy in fear.

“Oh honey, we have to,” Maureen said as Nate stood at the door, watching with a face that contained no emotion at all.

“We’re good people,” Alec said and he tried again to convince someone that they deserved a better outcome than what they were seeming to get.

Something dark flashed behind Maureen’s eyes, something Alec could not recognise. “So were we. People change.”

Then, without hesitation, she pierced the knife that was in her hand into Alec’s thigh. Alec cursed as he heard Jace yell out. The pain seared through him as the blade went deep into his flesh.

He tightened his fists, also piercing the skin in his palms with his nails that were long and ragged. She moved the blade, twisting it and Alec stifled a scream of pain as he felt his eyes water. It wasn’t incredibly deep, but it wasn’t exactly a light wound. Alec could feel the blood rush to injury, beginning to seep where it could and staining his jeans.

Everything went quiet as the pain consumed his body, he could hear and feel nothing else. The flesh around the blade was throbbing, pulsing against the metal that was now inside him. He squirmed, trying to bear through it but it wasn’t easy.

Then Maureen pulled the knife from him swiftly and Alec tensed, trying not to scream. He didn’t want to alarm anyone else. Blood poured from the gash and Alec tried not to move because, when he did, it oozed with more blood in a heavy wave. Alec’s eyes were watering and he yearned to wipe it away but his hands were bound again.

Alec was almost certain he heard Maureen laughing, but everything was distorted, the pain in his leg overwhelming everything. As if she was enjoying it, and Alec was sure that she was, she ran the blade down Alec’s calf, cutting not only the fabric but into the skin as well.

It was sore instantly, stinging. Alec closed his eyes and wished it all away. He thought of happier things, of Magnus and their first date, of when he heard Izzy was engaged, of when Jace asked him to be his best man. He thought of the day Max was born and all the times they spent together. He thought of everything but what was going on right there and then.

It went on for longer than Alec could really take. Maureen cut into his legs, his arms, even into his neck. Somehow, she knew just how deep to cut so that Alec would not pass out or bleed to death. He bled a lot, but it wasn’t enough to kill him.

When they left, Alec had nothing left within him to protest or to feel better or to talk to Jace. He could hear Jace beside him, speaking to him and trying to get him to listen properly, but the words were not coherent. All Alec could feel was pain and sorrow and worry.

Everyone, every single person, we face up to awful things every day, but this? What kind of normal things were these that they had to face up to? Alec didn’t think life was that cruel, that it could be as bad as this, but it was.

With nothing left to hold onto, Alec let his tears fall.


	13. It's All About Light and Shade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, just a trigger warning, specifically for rape in this chapter. Please read with caution x

“And hard times are good in their own way, too. Because the only way you can achieve true happiness is if you experience true sadness as well. It's all about light and shade. Balance.”  
― Gabrielle Williams, _Beatle Meets Destiny_

_Magnus_

Magnus had not seen his friends in three weeks. The only time he had seen Alec was when he was being moved, and they only got a glimpse of each other before Alec was smacked into the floor and dragged out. Even then, Magnus had not been properly conscious because of all the beatings.

They had left him alone for the past few days, only coming in to give him morsels of food and a tiny glass of water, occasionally giving him a bucket to go to the toilet in. It was no glamorous life, but Magnus had no choice, he had to hold it in until they deemed it okay for him to relieve himself. Magnus had never had to deal with things like this before and they hadn’t exactly eased him in.

On the first day, after a severe beating from Sebastian because he refused to speak, a girl called Jessamine had sliced an ‘X’ into his hand purely because Nate had told her to do it. There was no reason, no explanation, nothing. He had told her to do it, she had done it, and then they left.

Then they had left him alone for a couple of days, though Magnus did not know the timescale for sure. They didn’t even give him food or water, he even had to urinate on himself, something that embarrassed him more than anything. They abandoned him completely. When they came back, they offered food and some sort of drink Magnus did not care to question in return for information.

So much of Magnus had told him to say no, to hold back and keep his friends and boyfriend safe. But he had given in, unable to resist the sweet taste of bread and the cool feel of liquid down his throat. He hated himself for it, but once it was done, it was done and Magnus could do nothing to rectify it.

Without the knowledge of Alec being alive, Magnus had so little to go on. He knew that some of them had to be alive, they wanted information on them and they wouldn’t have wanted that if Magnus was the only one left, but Magnus didn’t know for sure if Alec was too. He clung to the hope, it being the only thing that kept him going.

He knew life came with its dark times, everything about life, it’s all about light and shade and being able to deal with both, but this? This was nothing like Magnus had expected. Torture from strangers for no reason, who expected that?

The world had changed and Magnus no longer recognised it. It was a scary thought, to think Magnus was living in a world which he knew little about, but there wasn’t a lot he could do. He had to deal with it and move on. Hopefully, a reward would come.

He had been left alone for a fair few hours, maybe a day or so. The eldest member that Magnus knew, Valentine, had given him some food without a word and then left. That was the last person Magnus had seen. He was glad for it.

Outside his miniscule window, Magnus could see the clouds in the sky above. They seemed still, without movement. They were darker than Magnus thought was normal for summer, almost as they were full of an autumn rain. Everything seemed dark now.

The door opened and three people entered, Nate, Sebastian, and a woman Magnus had not seen before. She was beautiful, with an elegance Magnus had not seen in years. She seemed oddly out of place considering their surroundings, but she seemed eternally beautifully. Her hair was blonde like spun silver and her green eyes were enchanting. This had to be Camille, the one he had heard Axel and Nate talk about.

She smiled at Magnus and Magnus felt himself go warm for a moment under such a gaze before going cold again. There was something off about her. Sure, she was beautiful, stunning in fact, but there was something about the way she was looking at Magnus. He felt like a rabbit being stared down by a wolf.

Nate and Sebastian waited at the door, their arms crossed as Camille approached. She was wearing a short black dress and heels believe it or not. She crouched before him, her dress coming over her knees to cover any private area that she might have exposed otherwise, and tilted her head at Magnus.

All the warmth in Magnus’ body evaporated and he froze. Straightening his back, he stared into her eyes. There was no confidence left within him, but he wanted to pretend there was.

“Hello, Magnus,” she said, her accent thick and French.

Magnus did not reply. He gulped and continued to look at her though there was not an ounce of courage in his being.

“My name’s Camille,” Camille said. “I know it’s been a while, but I like to take my time. I met Jace but he was, uh, reluctant, I think you might be more up to… _things_.” She smiled and Magnus was sure she had fangs ready to sink into his flesh.

She ran her index finger slowly over Magnus’ jaw, her fingernail long and sharp against his skin. Magnus felt his skin crawl, the hairs rising up uncomfortably. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, it had been ripped off of him when he had been beaten by Nate, and he felt very naked.

Usually, Magnus was a confident man. He liked his own body, he was very sure that his body was good. Being shirtless had never been a problem for him. Now, it was horrible. He felt revealed, more naked than he had ever felt even though only his shirt was missing. He didn’t know what it was that made him feel as so, but it was there and Magnus yearned for the comfort of a shirt.

“So, we’re going to get started,” Camille said, licking the tips of her teeth in such a manner that made Magnus want to run away. “There will be consequences if you do not react as I so wish.”

That made Magnus’ breathing pretty much stop, his blood freezing. These people in these conditions meant the consequences could be anything. His boyfriend, his friends, they were all here and if he did something they didn’t like, these people could hurt them. That was worse than them hurting him.

“Your boyfriend has been very strong so far,” Camille said, her eyes dark. “Sebby, he doesn’t like, you know, the sexualities in which you and he possess. Personally, I don’t care, I mean I wouldn’t ever touch someone who didn’t like what I had to offer, so I was glad when Alec said you weren’t strictly into cocks.”

Magnus gulped.

“If you do not do as I say, I will send darling Sebastian into darling Alec’s room. Every time you do something I do not say will result in such. Every, single, time.” Camille smiled and it pierced Magnus’ soul.

“You don’t touch a hair on his head,” Magnus said, surprised at how still and unmoving his voice was.

“I didn’t tell you to say that,” Camille said, shaking her head.

Magnus froze, everything inside him going stiff.

“Sebastian, you know what to do,” Camille said.

Without a word, Sebastian left. The sound of the door slamming shut echoed through Magnus’ skull. He watched the door, hoping desperately that he would wake up soon to find that this had all been a sick nightmare that the horrific world had brought upon him in his slumber.

So lightly that Magnus struggled to recognise it, Camille starting running her fingers across Magnus’ skin. He watched as her eyes surveyed his bare skin. Her hands explored his body further, over his shoulders and along his collarbone.

“I can see why Alexander likes you so much,” Camille drawled and Magnus turned his face away, willing everything to fade to nothing. “You have such beautiful skin.” She laughed. “I sound like I want to wear it, no? I don’t. I’m not in that film about the lambs.”

Magnus couldn’t believe how surreal it was. She said the name ‘Alexander’ and Magnus hated it. She did not deserve to call him that. She had no right. But Magnus was not going to talk up, not after all the images of Sebastian beating Alec in the other room.

He was going to do as he was told. No matter what was coming, and Magnus could guess what it was, he was going to do it. He needed to keep Alec safe and Magnus would do everything within his power to make sure that happened.

The door opened again and Sebastian entered, his fists bloody. Whose blood it was, Magnus did not know but he hoped it was Sebastian’s and that he had terribly weak skin. It was a desperate hope, but Magnus needed it. Knowing what was coming, he clung to anything he could.

Camille did not seem to notice Sebastian’s presence, or perhaps she was so focused on the feel of Magnus’ body that she didn’t even hear him come in. Instead, she turned Magnus’ face to hers and smiled but it didn’t meet her eyes.

“Now this is how it’s going to work,” She began, standing to remove her dress so she stood in a matching black, lace underwear that just made Magnus uncomfortable. Sure, her body was beautiful but Magnus wanted no part of it. “I haven’t had a man’s touch in quite some time and Jace was not game, so you will have to do. Jace would not do as I told him because he knows Clarissa is very good or something, I don’t know. I prefer my men to be… less blonde than Jace. I have enough blonde for the both of us.

Anyway, I want you to do as I tell you. You will hold me and do as I please. You will call my name, you will do nothing to hurt me. These men will go out of the room, I understand men fail to perform well under certain pressures. And I know you will not be stupid to try anything because these men will be just outside the room. If you do, we will bring Alexander in here and we will make him watch before we beat him to death.” She smiled and waved her hand to dismiss the other two who exited the room.

Out of her bra, Camille pulled a silver packet and Magnus felt the blood drain from his face. Even though he wouldn’t show it, tears were brimming in his eyes. His hands were not bound so he could have wiped them away but he would not give her the satisfaction.

She knelt before Magnus again and grinned. Magnus looked away and released a sigh. There was nothing about Magnus that was prepared for this. Everything over the past few days, in fact, over the past few months had drained him of everything he had ever had.

Life did not give him ample opportunity to live fully and happily. This, this was not anything Magnus thought he would have to go through and yet here it was. He would take it, he would deal with it because that’s what everything meant nowadays. This was what life had come to and that’s what Magnus had to do.

When she rubbed him, touched his body and made him go cold, Magnus took it. When she removed the rest of his clothing and kissed his mouth and his body, Magnus took it. When she forced him to call her name, to moan and thrust up, Magnus took it. He had to.

Even though she forced him to, when he came, Camille seemed to take it as a sign that he was enjoying it. He was not. He could feel her body underneath his hands, she was petite, crushable. There was so much of Magnus that wanted to break her bones but he couldn’t. Instead, he had to call her name even though he felt like crying.

She was calling his name and it sounded so wrong to his ears. He didn’t want to look at her but she was making him, making him kiss her. There was no passion, no fire, no love in their kiss. This was nothing Magnus wanted.

When she was done, she knew Magnus would be too drained to even move. She dressed without a single care but Magnus did not watch her. His eyes had fazed out and he saw nothing. Everything was blurred and nothing was good. Magnus had nothing within him that was going to get him up or fight for his life or do anything.

No one came in once Camille left and Magnus could feel the tear streaks down his face but no tears falling. Numb. That was how he felt. Numb. Before, he felt like there was chance. Now he felt like there was no hope. His body ached and he wanted to be home or in Alec’s arms.

In fact, Alec’s arms _were_ Magnus’ home. Magnus missed him. Sure, he missed the others, he missed his Biscuit always being positive, he missed Simon always being confused, he missed Isabelle and all her confidence, and he missed Jace with all his snarky comments. He missed them all, but he missed Alec the most.

He missed Alec’s body to hold him close. He missed holding his hands, feeling his warmth against his skin. He missed his radiant smile and his bright blue eyes. He missed Alec’s laugh. He just missed Alec.

It wasn’t just the past couple of weeks that made Magnus miss Alec like that. Neither of them had been the same since the dead rose up, they had both changed, become different people. For the entire time, they had been faking it all. They had gotten good at it. Sometimes there were moments when Magnus actually thought Alec was okay, that he was happy, but Magnus knew Alec too well and saw through the façade.

Times were tough and Magnus could understand that but he just wanted his Alec back. Magnus had changed himself and he knew it, but Alec was more important than he was. If Alec was back to his usual self, maybe Magnus could come back. They relied on each other and they needed each other, why did it always have to be so hard?

Without him, Magnus was hopeless. Now, Magnus was drained and violated. But at least he had saved Alec a beating or two. They barely knew these people and their motivations, but Magnus knew that not antagonising them was always the best option.

He had learnt that from his biological father. Not particularly the kindness man he had ever known, he would regularly beat Magnus if he did not do as he was told. It was an abusive relationship, Magnus knew it and he had always known it but he couldn’t help but love him. Sure, he had been an asshole by all extremes and he had left Magnus bruised and bleeding more often than not, but he was his father after all.

He did take care of him, he still fed him and made sure he went to school, he merely had a temper. And some alcohol problems. And some drug problems. Okay, so he had a lot of problems, but he was still Magnus’ father, they still shared blood. It was a compulsion to love him more than anything else, Magnus couldn’t help but love him.

When Magnus had looked for him and his other father and mother, and they were nowhere to be found, Magnus was distraught. He felt jealous of Alec, with his immediate family right there for him. Of course, he would never admit that, but he did. Magnus loved all of his parents even though none of them had been very good to him, except his mother, she had been the best of a bad bunch.

When Magnus came home with bruises from his father, she would tend to him and care for him. Each time he went back, he could see the sorrow in her eyes, the regret and the guilt but his step-father was incessant. He was shared between both homes. Sure, there wasn’t the most love in the world at either, but it was what Magnus had grown up with.

Seeing Alec with his family for the first time, seeing the love and care for each other, it baffled Magnus. Everyone around him before his time with Alec, they were all just as messed up as Magnus. It came as quite a shock when Magnus watched Alec’s mother give him so much love, and to see Robert caring for him even though he wasn’t comfortable with his son being gay.

But they had gotten through that and Magnus became a part of that family. He was still a part of his own family but he regarded them in a different manner. He’d always known they were abusive, but the extent of it was not something Magnus had realised. When he did find out, he wanted distance from them.

But he still loved them because they were his parents. Some people couldn’t love their parents after that and Magnus could understand, but they influenced him and made him the man he was, so he kept them in his life. After he left the City behind because he had to, Magnus felt empty.

That’s why he had stuck so closely to Alec and his family. Not being able to see them now, not knowing what state they were in or how they were, it was devastating. There was a chance that Magnus was going to die there, without ever seeing their faces again. That thought did no good for him whatsoever, so he tried not to think about it.

Magnus wasn’t sure how long he had been fazed out before someone else entered the room. He was lying on his back, staring up at the bland ceiling with only his jeans on, not having the effort to dress in anything else. The floor was cool against his skin but painful underneath his shoulder blades and bones, but Magnus cared not. He had gone numb.

The someone who entered sat against the wall and Magnus caught a glance of him before looking back towards the ceiling, his heart heavy; it was Hodge. Out of all of them, he looked like the kindest. His eyes were softer, his hair much greyer through the stress. His shoulders were slumped, he looked exhausted.

“I’m sorry,” Hodge said, his voice sounding much older than he actually looked as if he was aged by the things he had seen.

Magnus said nothing. Perhaps it was because he did not want to accept the apologies of a man who had stood by and watched him be beaten. Perhaps he did not care for the apology of the man who had dragged Alec away from him after he had burst into his cell. Perhaps it was because he was too numb, too tired to tell him anything.

“We weren’t always like this,” Hodge began once he realised Magnus did not care to talk back to him. “When everything went bad, I was with Valentine and his son and we were getting by. I mean, even before, I could tell they weren’t good guys, they took drunk girls back to their room, did things I can’t even tell you, but once everything fell apart, I felt safer with them.”

No part of Magnus cared, but there was nothing within him to tell him to stop. Magnus couldn’t bring himself to speak.

“We were with a bigger group but we split up, found more people as we went along, people that were likeminded. Not like me, I know it sounds like I’m making excuses, but I’m not like that. I know I kind of betrayed Alec’s trust-,”

“What?” Magnus asked, voice raspy as he turned his head to face Hodge. The words sounded muffled to Magnus’ ears, but he could always make out Alec’s name.

“I told him I was helping him escape.” Hodge looked away. “I led him down the hall, that’s when he saw you, but I was really leading him to Jace’s room so we could bring Isabelle to his old room. I needed him out of there and coercing him was the best way. I also told the others everything Alec told me, about his family, about his friends, about you. I shouldn’t have, but it’s so hard to deal with these people.

They get inside your head. I’ve done things for them because they told me to. Things I should have never done, things I never even thought about doing. I don’t even know why, I just did.” Hodge sighed and Magnus looked back up at the ceiling. “It wasn’t always this way. We got caught up in something, something we didn’t understand. These people, these terrible, terrible people tortured us and beat us and destroyed us.

I thought we were going to give up. Everything about it, I thought we were done. But Valentine got us out. Because of that, because he killed people for us and helped us, we stuck by him and everything he told us to do. Well, not the people we split up with, I wish I’d gone with them sometimes…

The things he did, it changed him. I mean, sure he’s never been perfect, but he was raised that way or something, I don’t know, let’s just make up some sort of excuse. But after being caught up in something that wasn’t our fault, Valentine wanted to do the same thing to others. He wanted people who seemed innocent to suffer like we had. It’s sick, I know, but isn’t the world sick now?”

It wasn’t a rhetorical question for Magnus could feel Hodge burning a hole in the side of his head. Magnus was not going to answer. He didn’t even look away from the ceiling, he continued observing the strange patterns that were set up on it, following them with eyes and wishing the world would go away.

“I heard you lived in a town before this,” Hodge said, trying to get Magnus to talk.

It wouldn’t work.

“I’m just trying to make conversation, Magnus,” Hodge said.

“I don’t want it,” Magnus mumbled, still not looking at Hodge.

“What _do_ you want?”

Magnus could think of a million things then: Alec, Clary, Isabelle, Simon, Jace, his parents, Alec’s parents, Max, safety, food, water, and everything else. It all rushed through his mind. But he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t care about Hodge.

“I want to be out there and safe,” Magnus said.

“There’s no safety out there.”

“Is there any here?” Magnus asked, looking to Hodge at last. He could feel the desperation in his own eyes, yearning for Hodge to help, for something that perhaps neither of them could understand.

Hodge could not maintain the eye contact for long. Looking towards the floor, Hodge sighed whilst running a hand through his greying hair. Even during the short time Magnus had been there, it had grown even greyer and it seemed surprising but who could say what was shocking now and what wasn’t? Magnus certainly couldn’t.

“How does this end for us?” Magnus asked after a long silence.

Hodge stayed quiet for a long while and Magnus didn’t press him. He could guess what was coming, he could tell what their doomed fate was for it felt like some tragedy in Magnus’ eyes, each of them doomed. But he wanted to hear it.

“It depends,” Hodge said, not the answer Magnus was expecting. “If Valentine is in a good mood, he’ll shoot you all in front of each other. If not, it’ll be torture until death.”

“And when will this happen?”

Hodge shrugged. “Depends on his mood.”

There was such a finality to it all, such an expected end. Magnus had never felt so out of control. There was nothing he could do. In here, with no one to help and no one to see, Magnus knew nothing and had nothing. It was so shit.

“And you’re just going to sit by and watch?” Magnus asked. He would have been angrier, he would have stood up and fought but there was no energy in him. The food had been minimal and he had just been raped. Whatever had been left after that was leaving him by the second.

“I can’t do anything else,” Hodge said and he sounded both hurt that Magnus would suggest that he had such little capability and upset that he could do no more. “I don’t have any choice.”

“We always have choice.” Magnus could hear the monotony in his voice. It felt like he was fading from the world and all that remained was his body, fighting against the things he couldn’t control.

“Not with this, Magnus,” Hodge said and there was a pain in his voice. “It’s just- it’s, it’s- Raziel, it’s not the same. Can’t you see that?” His voice was rising but Magnus did not stir, even if he wanted to, he couldn’t. “It’s all so messed up, I know it is, but that’s life. We do things we don’t want to in order to survive.”

“I would never do this.”

“Never?” Hodge asked. “If someone was standing with a gun to Alec’s head, you wouldn’t do this?”

“I wouldn’t torture. I wouldn’t degrade people like this.” Magnus didn’t have the effort to fight back but his mind was willing him to do it.

“But you would kill them. I know you would.”

“There’s a difference between torture and killing. I didn’t think people could forget that,” Magnus said and he went quiet, his mind going numb along with the rest of him.

“This is more than you can understand,” Hodge said and from his tone, he realised that Magnus wasn’t going to say anymore.

He stood and Magnus heard him sigh again. Leaving quietly, he left Magnus alone with his thoughts even though there weren’t many thoughts there. Thinking required an energy that Magnus just didn’t have. He wanted to sleep, he wanted to move, he wanted to do something. But he couldn’t.

No matter how hard he tried, he could focus on nothing. His mind had gone blank and it was so unlike what Magnus thought he would be like. Everything was different, losing its colour and fading to a dull grey. If he thought he knew the sorrows of the world before, he certainly did now.

Everything was nothing now. The world had emptied of its joy. Inevitability was all he felt for everything was numb to him. He craved Alec, he craved his loving touch and sweet kisses. It felt like years since he had last told him he loved him and that’s the one thing he wanted from the entire world.

He wanted Alec and the chances of seeing him again were next to nothing. There was no light, it was all shade. That was all Magnus knew and it was consuming him.


	14. We All Suffer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, just be cautious when reading this chapter. Trigger warnings again are rape and torture with a side of death in this one. Things start pummelling downhill at speed here, so be wary. 
> 
> Thank you x

> “We all suffer from dreams.”  
>  **―** Bernard Cornwell, _Death of Kings_

_Alec_

When Alec was younger, he had always wanted time to go faster. Whether he was in school or it was the holidays, he liked it when time sped up. When it felt like time was something he couldn’t control, he somehow felt better.

Perhaps that was because he always felt like he was the one who had to look after everyone and control everything to keep everyone safe. Even as a child, he had thought like that. If time was something he couldn’t control, then that was one less thing to worry about.

Now, he wanted time to stop because every second he spent away from Magnus was a second longer for his heart to become stone. It had been almost another week since he had seen Magnus and now Alec wasn’t just sad about it, he was angry.

Alec found some comfort with Jace by his side. At least he knew one of the people he loved was safe and alive. They kept each other strong, despite the beatings and the starvation. Sure, the light had died out of his eyes, but they were better together.

But now Alec was getting feisty. Even though he was beaten every day, even though they fed him so he remained as only skin and bones, even though he hadn’t seen anyone else, he could feel his blood begin to boil every time they stepped into the room and left. Each time they spoke, each time they tied one of them to the chair, Alec could feel it within him, a desperation to kill.

It was unlike him. Usually, Alec was very kind natured. He liked to cherish things, see the life and the good, not the death and the evil. Alec was a kind man with love in his heart and love in his life.

Every single person on the planet could be broken. Where Alec once saw the light, there was now dark. Where Alec once saw hope, there was now despair. Where Alec once believe everything could go well, he now believed in nothing.

But he did believe in himself and in Jace. There was fire in their veins, a pulsing passion to stand up and destroy. Whenever they were left alone, Jace and Alec planned. Sometimes one of them was too exhausted to plan for very long but that’s what they did every second they got.

It was a plan of attack that neither knew was going to work. They did not know the layout of the place, and that was kind of a key feature. They didn’t know where people were, or how many there were. If the ones they had seen so far were the only ones, then their chances would be better, but if there were more, then they would be screwed.

The plan was as so: Alec, as he was the stronger of the two at this point, would stand behind the door and take down the next person to come in. If he killed them, so be it, but it would be preferable not to for they needed the leverage and the knowledge of the layout.

There were about a thousand ways it could go wrong. The fact Alec and Jace were so weak, it wasn’t exactly going to help. But, each time they saw someone come into the room, their hearts yearned to stand, to fight for what was theirs.

Hodge was the one who came in when their time arrived. He spewed some stuff about actually wanting to help, but after what he had done with Alec before, Alec wasn’t taking it lightly. But then Hodge gave both Jace and Alec a knife and even let Alec have his own to make sure they trusted him.

After that, they went to the nearest room where they thought people were, gagging Hodge just in case. They went to the room where Magnus should have been but it was empty. Blood covered the walls and the floor, and Alec felt his blood run cold and his heart sink to his stomach.

 _Magnus is fine,_ he reassured himself, _Magnus is fine._

Hodge made a muffled noise and Alec looked towards Jace who shrugged. Jace pulled the gag out of his mouth.

“They’ve moved him,” Hodge said.

“No shit,” Jace replied, his humour coming back to him with the hope of escape.

Hodge looked at him sideways, “I was going to tell you where, but if you want to interrupt me again, go ahead.”

Jace’s cheeks spotted with scarlet before he nodded to let Hodge continue.

“They took him to the main room. Camille prefers to do everything on a bed,” Hodge said the last sentence quietly.

Alec’s head snapped up from the blood on the floor. “What does that mean?” The words almost got caught in his throat but he fought to get them out.

Hodge did not answer his question. “They should be finished by now, I can get you there. There’s a lot of corridors.”

“What about the others? Clary and Iz and Simon?” Jace asked for Alec had lost his voice, all of the colour draining from his face.

He had made guesses as to what Camille was doing, but he never had a solid idea and he thought that was for the best. Still, he didn’t have a solidly formed idea, but there were more accurate guesses he could make. It was not something he wanted to do.

“We could make detours to them,” Hodge said.

“They’re all still alive?” Jace asked in disbelief.

Hodge nodded.

They got to it quickly, taking many sharp turns and through many doors. Alec still didn’t know what the place was but he appreciated that they could have secrecy. There was still a large part of him that didn’t trust Hodge or anything he was doing or saying, but he needed to see Magnus and his family and this was the only way.

They went at quite the speed, Hodge leading them as Alec brought up the rear. The few windows Alec looked through as they went allowed Alec to see the trees, blowing rampantly in a summer storm. Even though he hadn’t been outside, Alec knew it had been a hot few days and a storm was on the way, he could feel it in his blood.

They came to a door and paused. Stopping his breathing, Alec could then hear that there were voices on the other side. Unfortunately, Alec had come to know those voices well; it was Jessamine and Nate. Now that Alec knew Jessamine was only here because of her infatuation for Nate, he felt a little sorry for her. It wasn’t much, but there was some pity there. She had still tortured them after all.

Hodge whispered, “We have rotas, these two are on break.”

“You understand what we’re going to do, right?” Jace said for Alec was still silent, his mind set on where Magnus was and what he was going through.

Hodge drained of colour but he nodded twice. Alec wasn’t quite ready for it but he knew it had to be done. His body was burning with a rage he could not control, a rage that was brought on by the people in this very building. What had to be done had to be done and Alec would prepare himself for it.

Hodge knocked on the door and waited patiently as Jace and Alec hid either side, out of sight. It opened and Alec could hear Nate begin to talk before he was knocked out with a thud from Jace. Then there was a confused yelp from Jessamine and then another thud as she too was knocked out.

Alec came around the side of the door and saw the two of them lying on the floor, unconscious but not dead. Some part of Alec wanted to tie them up and leave them, hope to Raziel that they would just leave them alone. People weren’t all bad, right? They wouldn’t come looking for them, right?

Wrong. These people had tortured them and they would stop at nothing to get them back if they left them alive. This meant they had no choice in the matter. It was kill or be killed, as cliché as it sounds. This was merely something they had to do. It was like having to eat, having to sleep, and now, it was having to kill. Sometimes you just had to do it.

Alec brought the knife out and knelt above Jessamine’s body as Jace did the same for Nate. It should be to the head, to destroy the brain so they would not come back. That would be the merciful thing to do.

But they did not deserve mercy. They deserved to suffer for what they had done. As Alec brought the knife down to the heart, twisting it so that it would kill her, he could feel himself changing. This was not something Alec thought he would ever do; killing another human being, that was not the kind of man he was.

He felt vengeful as he saw the blood ooze from the wound he had created. He felt like a man that was not someone anyone back home would recognise. _Look at me now, mother,_ Alec thought, _are you proud?_

A killer he was now. Sure, these people deserved it but Alec never wanted to be a killer. It was not in his nature. Killing the undead was different, killing someone whose blood was still warm, that made Alec feel uncomfortable in his own skin, as if he was watching it all unfold from above.

It was done.

They moved through after closing the door on Jessamine and Nate, not wanting them to search for Alec and the others in their deceased state. Hodge directed them to another door, this time inside it was Maureen with Izzy. Both Jace and Alec ran towards the door before Hodge could get another word out.

Inside the room, Maureen was stood over Izzy, a blunt knife in her hand as she started digging it into Izzy’s thigh. Alec had not seen her for a month and she almost looked like a different person. Her hair was ragged and matted, cut off in odd angles as if someone had pulled her around by it and chopped it off as they went. Her trousers were sliced open here and there as was her shirt. Her bare arms were covered in wounds, both open and not, and she only had one shoe on.

Alec couldn’t help but yell as he pummelled towards Maureen, Jace by his side. Maureen looked up in confusion but only had a moment to take it all in before Alec had thrown her to the floor. A few days ago, he would have felt bad for doing such a thing but not now.

He could hear her skull smack against the floor but cared not. You couldn’t do anything like that to his sister and get away with it. Alec was much stronger than Maureen, even in his current state of exhaustion. With the adrenaline rushing through him, he cared not that his bones ached. He could use his height to his advantaged as he knelt above her.

Everything else in the room blurred as Alec took Maureen’s hair in his hands and smacked her skull against the floor. It hit the stone with another crack and Maureen cried out in pain.

The cries were silenced after Alec continued to smack her head against the cold flooring. Blood started to seep around her, matting in her hair but Alec did not stop. Everything was coming out of him and he could not stop if he tried.

The anger, the pain, here it was, manifesting itself in Alec’s hands as he continued to beat her skull against the floor. Over and over again he went until Alec grew used to the sound of bone cracking. It was sick of him, but he even grew to enjoy the sound because it meant she would trouble them no longer.

He had to be pulled off of her by Jace. Jace wasn’t as strong as he usually was but he could always calm Alec down. He squeezed Alec’s shoulders and Alec took a deep breath. Shaking, Alec looked towards his sister whose eyes were dropped, but she was smiling.

Scrambling over to her side, he pulled her into his arms and held her tight. She was more fragile than Alec had ever known, her bones weak. Alec pulled her even further into his chest and rocked her gently as she started to weep. They were happy tears for she knew she would be tormented no longer.

After Alec offered to carry her and she declined, they carried on. Hodge had become silent, but he led them through further. Alec trusted him a little more but he did not like him, not at all. Betrayal was Alec’s least favourite thing. Well, that may have been an exaggeration but he sure didn’t like it.

He helped his sister hobble along. In fact, they had all been hobbling along for Maureen had a thing for sticking knives in thighs and calves. But the adrenaline was working them hard and they did not feel the pain because they wanted it done. Their loved ones needed to be safe and they would not feel the pain until they held them in their arms.

They found Simon next. He was passed out in his room, alone. This room had handcuffs attached to the walls and his hands were locked in them, bloody around the wrists where he had tried to free himself or where he had been pulled around. Izzy gasped and ran towards him as fast as her injured legs were carried her.

She took his face in her hands and kissed him on the mouth. After whispering things in his ear, he started to move and the three men in the door watched on as he woke. Tears formed in both their eyes as they focused their gaze on each other and kissed each other properly, desperate and loving.

Alec’s heart panged as he wished to hold Magnus like that. To be honest, Simon and Alec had always had a tense relationship but Alec still cared for him deeply. He could be funny and he made Izzy happy, that’s what Alec cared about most.

“How do we take the handcuffs off?” Alec asked Hodge.

“Valentine has the key,” Hodge said.

“Well, isn’t that fucking helpful?” Jace said, glaring Hodge down.

“Jace, stay here with Izzy and Simon. I’ll go get the key,” Alec said.

“I need to find Clary,” Jace said, his voice tight.

Alec shook his head. “We need the key.”

“I don’t trust him with you alone,” Jace said, looking at Hodge before he looked back to Alec.

“I don’t want Izzy alone in here,” Alec stated and left no room for argument.

“Be safe,” Jace said, squeezing Alec’s shoulders. “Don’t hesitate to kill him, not even for a second.”

Alec nodded and then left with Hodge to find Valentine. They rounded a corner and Alec froze as he saw Axel standing in the hallway next to a door that opened to the outside world, smoking. He glanced at Hodge and nodded before doing a double take towards Alec. Throwing the cigarette outside, Axel ran towards Alec, his small form looking furious.

Before Alec knew what was happening, Axel was on top of him, his hands around Alec’s throat. At any other time, Alec would have found no trouble in pushing him off and throwing punches to his face, breaking the bone beneath his fist.

But that was before the weeks of terrible eating and knives being stuck into his body. Now he had no effort even though he willed himself to do it. Axel’s small stature was strong and bulky, his hands followed the same form. Even though he tried with all his might, he could not breathe.

He struggled with his entire being, pushing and shoving, punching with everything he had but Axel was just too strong. He had much more muscle than Alec and, despite Alec’s height, Alec had no advantage. He was weak. He couldn’t fight back.

As he felt his vision go blurry, Alec thought of how stupid he had been to try and escape. There was no muscle, no strength left in his body. How could he have done something so stupid? And how could he have trusted Hodge again?

Then Axel was thrust off of him, thrown into the wall with an enormous thud. Alec, still dazed from the lack of oxygen, sat up to see Hodge stomping his foot onto Axel’s throat. It was quite the horrific sight, to see a man throwing his heel over and over again into someone’s neck until they died, but he deserved it.

“You good?” Hodge asked, out of breath.

Hodge helped him to his feet. “Yeah. Thanks,” Alec said and smiled at him though this fight was not over yet.

“Valentine’s going to be asleep,” Hodge said.

“He is?”

Hodge nodded. “He was going to kill one of you tonight and he always likes to get a good nap in before he does it. That’s why I’m helping you, I couldn’t watch it happen. Not again.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

So they went to Valentine’s room and crept in. It was dark but Alec could tell this room was starkly grander than the others. A bed sat in the centre with four posters and a heavy curtain hung upon it. The curtains on the window was silk and there was a bear rug underneath the bed. _Of course there was a bear rug,_ Alec thought.

Now killing someone whilst they were asleep felt like the worst thing to do, even Alec knew that. To not give someone the chance to fight back, how cowardly was that?

But Alec knew he could not fight such a brute as Valentine and win in his current state. If this was cowardly, then so be it. If this meant Alec and the rest of them could live, then Alec would do it. His family was more important than his honour.

Slowly, Alec approached the bed and pulled the drape back. Valentine was indeed sleeping, oddly peaceful. Alec could appreciate his beauty but the evil he had done made him the devil in his eye. No beauty could solve that. Nothing could solve that.

He knew he would have to be quick for, if he went slow, Valentine would awake and break Alec’s neck with ease. Alec needed his neck, you know, for living and stuff like that. So he set the blade above Valentine’s neck and drew it across his skin, deep and quick, slicing it open.

It bled out fast and his eyes flew open but only for a moment because then he started to choke on his blood. It poured out of his neck and out of his mouth in heaps, staining the bed and the pillows. Alec cared not, even when the pain in his eyes looked like he was screaming for help.

It continued to pour even after he passed out. Alec continued to watch. He watched as the man before him died because of the act Alec had done. It was horrible, but what was worse was that Alec felt no remorse about it.

Finding the key quickly in Valentine’s bedside table, Alec sent Hodge back to Jace so he could grab Clary who was in a room a few doors down from where they currently were, alone as Hodge said. Trusting him now, he went to the door and opened it to find Clary who was sitting up in the corner, on guard.

When she saw Alec, her eyes lit up and she ran to him, limping heavily for there was a long gash down her thigh. She was wearing all of her clothes, but they were in tatters, showing her bra that Alec would have normally blushed at, but now he cared not.

Instead, when she jumped up and hugged him, her legs going around his waist, he held her tight. She too was fragile, much more fragile that Alec thought was possible for feisty, little Clary. There was blood covering Alec’s hands and it wiped over Clary’s clothes and bare skin as he hugged her tight, but neither cared.

“Is Jace okay?” She asked after they had stopped hugging.

Alec nodded and told her to come with him. Once they got back to the room with Simon, who was now unlocked, they saw Jace holding a knife to Hodge’s throat as his back was rammed against the wall.

“What did you do to Alec?” Jace asked, his voice lit up with a fire.

“Nothing, Jace,” Alec said as he entered the room.

Jace turned to look at him and then his eyes settled on Clary. He dropped the knife instantly and ran to her, hugging her the same way Alec had but there was more intimacy in their touch. Both of them were weak, so Jace had to rest her against the wall as they pulled each other close and kissed each other’s mouths. Alec flushed and looked away.

Simon was hugging Izzy into his chest, his wrists bloody against Izzy’s pale skin, but they were happy and hugging, and loving each other. Alec felt a pang of jealousy again and felt himself welling up.

As if everyone could sense Alec’s thoughts, they turned to him, sympathy in their gaze. Jace let Clary down but did not let go of her.

“So, where’s Magnus?” Jace asked, looking at Alec with a smile.

“He’ll be tricky to get,” Hodge said.

Alec’s shoulders sank as he collapsed against the wall.

“But we can get him, right?” Simon asked, sounding more optimistic than Alec thought he would be.

“Yes, but Camille will be coming out of the room now, and Sebastian will be guarding it,” Hodge said, swallowing and looking away.

“Why is Camille with him?” Simon asked.

Everyone went silent.

“Oh,” Simon said and Alec could hear the realisation in his tone.

They went to him afterwards and Alec didn’t think he would be quite ready to see him. He forced the tears away from his eyes and the lump away from the back of his throat. His skin was itching, his fingernails digging into his palms almost hard enough to draw blood.

As Hodge said, Camille had just left the room and Sebastian was guarding it. If this were some sort of movie, Alec would have had right to the both of them considering Sebastian was the homophobic prick and Camille was the one doing whatever it was that she was doing to Magnus.

This was not a movie, so Alec had to settle his mind for who he wanted to hurt more and, of course, it was Camille. He ran towards her, his legs carrying him faster than he thought he could ever run, even when he was healthy. She was a thin woman but she was strong, Alec could tell.

He had never seen her face before but he knew from Jace’s description that this was her. Sure, she was beautiful, but she had a cruel face, something evil set within her. Alec’s blood boiled as he saw her and he went to tackle her down, but she moved out of the way.

Her strong legs managed to sweep Alec to floor and white spots dotted his gaze as his head smacked into the ground. Then she was on top of him, digging her nails into his neck so that she drew blood. If Alec did not know Magnus was behind that door, he would have given up, but now all he saw was Magnus’ face and he did not give up.

Backhanding her across the cheek, he then rolled on top of her and started punching her face. He would have beat her like Maureen but he didn’t feel like Maureen suffered the way Camille needed to. He did smack her head against the floor once, it cracking as it connected with the floorboards. His hands willed just as his mind wanted.

Being the changed man that he was, he could hurt her the way he felt necessary, beat her and abuse her. It hurt Alec to think he was not the same man he was when the world fell apart, to enjoy the beatings of other people, but this was what the world had become. He needed to protect his loved ones and his Magnus, the biggest love he had, and he would do everything that needed to be done in order to do that.

He beat her with his fists, feeling the skin break beneath his knuckles, cracking her porcelain skin with thick lines of red. She did not scream in pain and Alec did not know why, but he continued to beat her.

The feeling of her bones snapping beneath his hands resonated through him. He loved it, causing so much pain to the bitch that was abusing the love of his life. Blood stained her skin, seeping through the gashes he was creating with his hands, and Alec knew this image would be engrained into him forever.

He needed it. He needed to feel her suffer. When her hands fell, Alec could still feel a pulse so he put his hands around her throat and pressed in, hard. She attempted to reach out again, but the pressure on her throat was too much. She suffocated and Alec did not care that he had taken yet another life.

Once he stood, he saw that Sebastian had three knives in his body but he was still struggling, struggling against the oncoming sweep of death. The others were watching him suffer, Hodge looking like he was about to throw up. Alec wanted Sebastian to suffer but he wanted him dead too, so he swung the tip of boot into his head, cracking it and killing him as his neck snapped.

It felt like Alec was on a killing spree but there was no one left to kill, not according to Hodge. He could resist the door no longer. It was the only barrier between him and the man he loved more than anything. It was the last strand blocking Alec from seeing the world with hope.

He stepped forward and swung it open.

The images he had conjured up of Camille and Magnus had not been as bad as they should have been.

He was naked, completely bare. His body was thin, dotted with light cuts that had healed, but that wasn’t what Alec focused on; he saw the bruises that came both from rough hands, the size of fingertips, and ones left by a mouth that had sucked at the skin.

Jealousy was not what Alec felt, not at all. Magnus was staring up at the ceiling, his eyes still and unseeing. He lay on the bed that was situated in the middle of the room, much more extravagant than the rest of the room with its red sheets and four posters. Handcuffs were attached to the bed among other things, like whips and rope and all sorts that made Alec sick to his stomach.

Once upon time, Alec would have used things of that ilk for enjoyment, but they had to be consensual to be enjoyed. This was not consensual. The marks on Magnus’ wrist were too red as if the bindings had been too tight.

When the door slammed open, Magnus flinched but he did not avert his gaze from the ceiling. It was as if he expected it to be Camille or someone else. Alec felt tears sting his eyes again but he did not care. Magnus was shaking.

“Magnus.” His voice was small and weak.

The others had gathered behind him but Alec could no longer see them. He presumed that, once they saw Magnus’ naked state, they would let the two of them be, not wanting Magnus to feel worse than he already was, embarrassed or anything like that. Alec did not know, he only saw Magnus who looked at him slowly as if he were looking at a dream, a vision of his imagination. With glazed eyes, they focused on Alec’s and only confusion grew in them. This was the gaze of a broken man and Alec could not bear to see him like that.

Alec ran to his side, kneeling beside the bed, and placed his hands around Magnus’ face, not harsh or quick. This was gentle, trying to gage if Magnus wanted to be touched or not. His face was cold and there was a bruise on his neck that looked fresh and red. Alec’s stomach dropped.

Magnus tried a smile and the Magnus Alec knew broke through for the smile reached his eyes, tears brimming in them. He could not lift his hands as he seemed too weak, shaking too fiercely, but Alec only wanted to hold his Magnus close, keep him where he couldn’t go anywhere.

“Hello, my love,” Magnus said, his voice cracking and the tears spilling over the edge. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” Alec said, hearing his own voice wavering but he didn’t care how weak he sounded.

Meekly, Magnus brought his lips to Alec’s and they kissed. There was nothing passionate about it, nothing heated by their love, nothing forceful. This was gentle and tender and soft and loving. It was an act of reassurance to show that Alec would be there for Magnus no matter what happened. Alec was there for Magnus and Magnus was there for Alec. This was what that kiss meant.

“Can you help me get dressed?” Magnus asked, as if he wasn’t sure.

“Of course, Magnus, of course I will,” Alec said, softly.

There were deep circles embedded underneath his eyes and his cheeks had become gaunt. Even though a hint of light was returning to his eyes, they were still dull, their warmth faded.

And yet he was smiling. Somehow, he was smiling.

There was a crack of lightning outside that made everyone flinch. Magnus looked towards the window and Alec watched him turning his head to display more of the skin on his neck that revealed a whole horde of new bruises. They were of both the sucking variety and from fingers that dug deep into the skin. Alec’s heart sunk further but he tried not to let his face show it.

Rain was pouring down in heavy sheets, thrown around by the gusts of wind outside. It was still warm, like a tropical storm in the middle of the summer heat. The trees were bellowing furiously against the tempest, being thrown to and fro, unable to stand still against the forces.

Alec picked up his jeans from the floor and helped Magnus dress slowly. It was kind of like Alec was dressing a child and it made him sick to think of such a thing. The way Magnus needed help sitting up so Alec could pull a clean shirt over his chest, it was not the kind of thing a confident man would do. Alec could imagine how emasculated Magnus must feel, to have everyone watch as he had to be dressed by his boyfriend, but he did not halt him.

Alec moved gently, carefully so as to not come into contact with Magnus’ skin. Alec felt like Magnus wanted to be aware of every touch upon his body. Since Magnus wasn’t looking at Alec as he moved, Alec did not want to accidentally brush his hands against Magnus’ stomach and frighten or trigger him.

His breathing was laboured and shaky but he tried smiling all the same. When Alec had to put his socks and shoes on as well, Alec squeezed Magnus’ hand in reassurance and felt Magnus attempt to squeeze his hand back, but it was barely there.

When Magnus was dressed in clothes that were in a much better state than the rest of theirs, Alec kissed Magnus gently again. Another crack of lightning broke its way through the sky and Alec felt Magnus flinch against him.

“Shall we leave now, Magnus?” Alec asked tenderly when they broke apart.

Magnus nodded slowly. Then his face went sad, his eyes watering. “I’m sorry.”

“What?” Alec asked, his mind running wild. “Why are you sorry? What’s there to be sorry about, my love?”

“I did it again,” Magnus said, tears spilling.

He was referring to having sex with another person, Alec could tell from the way he was talking. Alec took his hands gently and looked him deep in the eye, his heart shattering and being torn apart just by the look on his face.

“No, no, no,” Alec said, bringing one hand up to cup Magnus’ face and stroke his cheek. “This isn’t the same, my love, it’s not. Please, don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault.”

“But I agreed, so it’s not-,”

“It’s not consensual because of that, Magnus, it’s not.” Alec sighed. “Oh, my love, it’s okay.”

Magnus took a raspy breath. “She said- she said if I didn’t, she would bring you in and make you-,”

“Magnus, sweetheart, please, don’t do this to yourself,” Alec said, wiping away the tears that were falling down his cheeks. “You don’t need to be sorry about what she did to you, it’s not your fault.”

“But Woolsey.” Magnus’ lip wobbled.

“I don’t care about Woolsey, I don’t, okay? That’s nothing to me and I don’t want it to be anything to you either. This, this was in no way the same. Please, it’s okay.”

Magnus nodded slowly as he released a small sob. “Would you kiss me? Just once more.”

“Of course I will, of course.” Alec didn’t hesitate to lean forward and kiss Magnus, gently and tenderly. It was soft, nothing fierce. Magnus’ breathing was rapid, but he was calming, Alec could feel it with every moment he was in Alec’s presence.

Alec pulled Magnus up to his feet and they hobbled out of the room. Magnus hugged each of them in turn, relying on their weight as best he could because he couldn’t stand up by himself. He didn’t hug Hodge but he smiled at him, keeping a hand on Alec’s back and gripping his shirt once he returned to his side as if he if were too scared to let go and stand alone.

“You helped?” Magnus asked, and his voice was fragile. He was putting up a front that would fool most, but not Alec. Alec knew him through and through, so he grabbed Magnus’ hand and squeezed reassuringly, feeling Magnus try to do the same back yet again.

Hodge nodded and Magnus feigned yet another smile of gratitude.

“I mean, whilst it looks inviting as all hell outside,” Magnus said, his voice now scratchy as if he had just gotten over a cold. “I quite like the warmth of this place.”

It was only then that Magnus looked down to see Camille and Sebastian on the floor, bloodied and lifeless. Nothing seemed to change in Magnus’ eyes but Alec could see some light fill them. It was not exactly the reaction Alec expected but he could very well understand it.

“There’s other bedrooms,” Hodge offered. “We could rest there for a little while. This place, it’s big. There’s a lot of rooms for a lot of people, it was built as a protection centre once upon a time. Things change, right?” Hodge offered a small smile.

The others gave small smiles in return, thanking him for his hospitality as it were.

Then Jace raised a gun that Alec did not know he had found and shot Hodge in the head. He fell to the floor with an enormous, lifeless, thud.

“Jace!” Clary gasped breathlessly.

“He helped us,” Simon said, pinching his brow together.

“He took part in this just as much as the others did,” Jace stated, appearing to have no qualms. “He deserved it.”

Magnus had gone quiet beside Alec, his eyes set on the blood pooling from Hodge’s head. Hodge’s eyes were open but they were unseeing and Magnus could not look away from them. Alec pulled his hand gently and caught Magnus’ gaze, smiling at him.

Now Alec wasn’t exactly happy with what had just happened, do not get him wrong. Hodge had been there to help them, getting them through it all and Alec had even started to trust him. He had been the best of a bad bunch, but he had gotten them out, helped them all get back together. Alec hadn’t even considered killing him.

But perhaps it was for the best. Hodge had been a part of this group and he had betrayed them all, Alec most especially. Sure, people could get better and Hodge had tried to reconcile that, but some things just weren’t fixable in people’s eyes. If Hodge had truly helped when he said he was going to, Magnus would haven’t been abused like he had. So Alec could understand why Jace had done it.

He still didn’t like staring at the three dead bodies in front of them, so Alec made a decision to exit the corridor and go in search of these other bedrooms. It was a maze of corridors, so they didn’t want to delve too deep in case they couldn’t get out, which meant they didn’t find those wonderful bedrooms.

Instead, they settled for a large room that had a couple of sofas in. A window to the side showcased the storm outside that was in full swing. A flash of lightning cracked the black sky open and a roll of thunder that sounded like a herd of beasts rolled across the sky.

The rain hammered against the window like a pane-fly smashing itself over and over again until death. Alec watched it, heavy sheets flying against the ground making a deathly pool of water. Grass was beginning to flood and Alec was glad they had decided to stay. There was no way they were going outside, not in that weather.

Even though Magnus protested, the others let them have one of the sofas, Izzy and Simon having the other. It was an awkward arrangement, Alec’s and Magnus’ legs intertwined at odd angles as Alec held Magnus into his chest and there seemed to be elbows everywhere.

But neither cared. They would have slept on a clothesline if it meant they could sleep together. Slowly, the warmth was returning to their bodies, their hearts beating as one. Alec focused on the unsteady rhythm of Magnus’ breathing as his chest rose and fell against time with Alec’s. Sometimes it sounded like he was sobbing but Alec wouldn’t ask him about it, Magnus liked to pretend he was the strongest person on the planet. Even if he was shaking and clinging to Alec like he would never let go, he would pretend he was not broken.

And the thing is, he was strong. To get through everything they had been through, everything _he_ had been through and to come out still smiling, how could anyone say that was anything but strength? But when he was with Alec, he could let his guard down; he could cry, he could pull at Alec’s clothes and his skin to keep him close, he could place weak and messy kisses against Alec’s skin. That was how he showed he was fragile and that’s when Alec pulled him even closer.

When Magnus finally fell asleep, Alec felt like he too could fall asleep. He was a protector of these people, he kept them safe, but he too needed looking after. _We all suffer,_ Alec thought to himself, glad that they had gotten through it. Maybe they had the recovery period to get through, something that was no facile task, but they had gotten over this mountain and they were descending down to steadier paths at last.

He got his thoughts calm and tried to avoid thinking about his throbbing injuries and the healing process the rest of them were about to face. If he could push the thoughts far enough away, he could get into a slumber of sorts. Eventually, he did and Alec fell asleep to the arrhythmic sounds of Magnus’ breathing and the steady beat of the rain against the window, as if that was Alec’s lullaby.

The next few weeks made everything feel better. They stayed in the building, found the food supplies and the weaponry base, and they started to live again. They ate, they built up their strength, they got happier. They got to shave, something Alec was more than relieved about, and they got to wash their hair with the help from the others using the water bottles and containers so they could finally get the blood out of their hair and clothes.

They also found some more clothes, not feeling all that happy about wearing the clothes of their torturers, but it was better than being naked and better than wearing ripped and stained clothing. They felt better, they felt happier.

Of course, Magnus was still not okay, but how could he be? He got better, his face got fuller and his smile grew brighter. This would be something that they all would hold onto for the rest of their lives, but if they could get by it then they could get by anything, right? That’s what Alec needed to think.

It helped him when he caught Magnus sat in the corner, staring into space. It helped him when the now closed gashes in his body twitched with memory. It helped him when he remembered the dead light in Camille’s eyes as he smacked her face repeatedly.

Not all of their wounds healed properly. The ones that Maureen had done, the ones that had dug into their thighs were taking a while and most of them limped as they walked. Eventually, they might heal completely but it was going to take time. Some of their cuts were deep and Alec tried to ignore the pain to focus on Magnus or the other’s pain, but sometimes it twitched and Alec couldn’t ignore it.

A lot of their injuries scabbed over quickly and they were relieved. The bigger ones would scar, the ‘X’ on Magnus’ hand, the slices down Alec’s calf, the line across Jace’s throat, the rips at Simon’s wrists, the stabs in Izzy’s thighs, the gash in Clary’s stomach, and a dozen more, but they _would_ heal. That was the main thing. They would be ugly and they would hurt for a long while, but they wouldn’t be there forever.

They got by. They overcame their struggles and, when it felt like the right time to get out of the place that had become their torture house, they did. Outside, summer was still bearing down on them but the walkers were minimal. Although it was not a pleasant thought, the heat of the sun set down on their undead skin and melted it off, making them unable to move. The thought made Alec sick but he was glad for it.

They didn’t have many supplies, but they rationed them well. Once again, they took to living in the woods, making their way through, looking for something stable to call home. It was odd, they had already found so many places that could have lasted, that could have become their home but it was never right. There was always something off.

Whether it was a too attractive member of the town that tempted one of them, or it was memories that filled the place, one of them always had a reason to go. It was the way it had to be and Alec loathed it but he dealt with it. What else could he do?

The big problem with living in the outside world, aside from having to shit in the woods, were the walkers. Even though the summer melted them, a lot of them got by, especially the fresher ones. Sometimes the heat gave them an energy, sped them up.

In their weakened state, Alec and the others had trouble killing them. They had knives and a couple of guns, but it wasn’t any easier. The limping, the fact that they weren’t back to one hundred percent health, it wasn’t easy trying to kill them. They had been out of it for so long, after the town, they had practically gone straight to Valentine’s place of torture, so they hadn’t had much practice.

They would get back into the swing of things, but not before a herd of walkers started upon the horizon one day when they were just trying to get by. They ruined everything, so they all had to start running. One thing after another, that was their lives.

Alec had Magnus by his side and both of them had gotten stronger, strong enough to run for a good length of time. Everyone else was ahead of them, and they were running as fast as their legs could carry them. With the sun making some of the walkers faster, the six of them had to run faster for their sake. It was exhausting but they had no choice.

A long root stretched out across the soiled ground and Simon, focused on Izzy beside him, tripped over it. Alec ran to his side, telling everyone to carry on and that he would help Simon up. He did but Simon had scraped his knees, cutting them open on the stones and twigs that had set into the floor.

“Balls,” Simon said, wincing as he brushed the soil and dirt from the open skin.

“You okay to carry on?” Alec asked, glancing towards the rest of his family who were becoming dots against the background of the blue sky and then back to the herd that was coming on fast.

Simon nodded. “I kind of have to.” He flashed a smile. “Don’t really feel like getting eaten today, you know, I have some plans.”

Alec scoffed and tugged at Simon’s wrist so they moved on, running in their previous direction although Simon was much slower and he hissed with every step. Alec didn’t know what to do, they weren’t moving fast enough and his options were limited to say the least. There was no way he was leaving Simon, but they couldn’t continue at their current speed, not if they intended to live.

So they stopped. _I am not climbing a damned tree again,_ Alec thought and he turned to look at Simon whose knees were bleeding profusely. Blood was rushing around in his head at such a speed that he couldn’t hear a thing, his heart pounding in his chest so loud it was mixing with the thumping of his blood.

He turned around again, looking for the best possible exit strategy. The groans of the dead were fast approaching and Alec could feel himself freezing. The rest of his family were no long visible and Alec didn’t know where to go or where to turn. He felt like he had messed up.

He was spinning around, trying to gage a direction in which they could go but the groans were all around and there didn’t seem to be many options. They needed to find a safe route out and meet the others somewhere in the middle. Alec just couldn’t find a route. He felt like he was going mad.

Suddenly, Alec was thrust forward and thrown onto the floor. His knees connected with the tough ground that was littered with rocks, slicing his knees open. He turned around to find that it was Simon who had shoved him to the ground.

For a moment, he was angry and confused but then he saw the walker that had latched onto Simon’s shoulder, digging its fingers into the flesh and tearing it apart. Simon screamed out in pain as he tried to shove the thing off but its grip was too strong and it dug its teeth into Simon’s pale skin, ripping chunks off.

Alec stood up as quickly as his body would allow and he dug the knife into the undead’s skull, forcing it to fall to the floor. Blood was gushing out of the open wound in heavy waves. There was a lot of skin missing, a lot of open flesh. Usually, it wouldn’t have been a problem, but this was a walker wound.

This would start the infection. This would trigger Simon’s transformation that everyone had that just needed something to start it off. This was it. Simon was going to die.

But they couldn’t think about it, not yet. He grabbed Simon’s hand that was now covered in blood as it had started to seep down his clothing. Trying his best not to let go, Alec dragged him on, pulling him faster than Simon could probably handle. He was groaning a lot, and he gripped onto Alec’s hand with a fury Alec didn’t know he had. Perhaps it was the fear.

They had to swerve and dodge walkers and trees galore. Simon was able to push some of them out of the way, clearly not caring if they scratched him. Did it even matter anymore? Alec ignored that and kept them going, kept them moving. They could deal with it later, Alec had to ignore it. He couldn’t get caught up in it all, he couldn’t get caught up in the thought of Simon about to perish.

Somehow, they got out. It was an open road they fell onto and Alec saw the others waiting outside a car they had gotten open. There weren’t many cars littered on the road, so getting to them wasn’t difficult. It was made harder because Simon was growing weak from the blood loss.

Everyone smiled at the two of them in relief until they saw Simon’s condition and the blood covering both of their hands. They all froze as the two of them approached. Simon gave a winning smile but no one smiled back.

“Simon?” Izzy asked and Alec had rarely heard her voice sound so weak.

“What’s up, beautiful?” Simon answered but Alec could hear the uncertainty in his voice. Perhaps there were tears building in his eyes, Alec didn’t know.

It was his fault this happened. Alec had been so set on trying to find a route of escape that he had forgotten that the walkers were coming. Simon had saved him and now he was paying the price. Guilt consumed his being as he passed Simon’s hand over to Izzy, and he looked away.

Simon almost collapsed into her arms, blood gushing out because of the act. Everyone helped to lie Simon on the back seat and tried to deal with the wounds. Clary asked if they could cut the wound off but they couldn’t. It was in his shoulder, there was no way around it.

The realisation hit everyone slowly. Clary started crying and Jace hugged her into his chest and Alec could see the disappointment register on Jace’s face too. He could pretend all he wanted that he didn’t care about Simon, but he did. Alec could see it.

Magnus took hold of Alec’s hand and squeezed it. Alec could feel he was still on the bony side, but he needed the reassurance. This was his brother-in-law, the man his sister fell in love with. Simon was an integral part of their life and her happiness, which was Alec’s happiness too.

And now here he was, bleeding out on the back seat of a car. He was smiling, cupping Izzy’s cheek as she pushed the front seat all the way forward and knelt wherever she could put her legs to be near him. They were talking to each other, saying their final goodbyes, and Alec couldn’t bear to listen to it, not when he felt so guilty.

Feeling all of the weight leave his body, Alec leaned into Magnus who wrapped his arms around Alec’s shoulders. There may have been tears coming to his eyes, but he didn’t know for sure. Everything seemed to go blurry, the light fading from the world once again.

This was Simon. Bright, happy, clumsy Simon who kept most of the group going by keeping them all happy and cracking stupid jokes. Simon was the one who people relied on even though he very rarely knew what to say or do, and he was the one who was always confused but it never seemed to bug him.

He got on their nerves but he was their Simon.

And now he would be no longer.

The sickness took over Simon incredibly fast. It happened to everyone who got bit or scratched at different speeds and it spread through Simon so fast because the walker had bitten so deep and because he was losing so much blood. Alec couldn’t bear to watch as the colour drained from his face, leaving him a pale and sick body without hope of recovery.

Instead, he buried his face into Magnus’ chest and his breathing hitched. He should have protected Simon, he should be the one dying, not Simon. Simon didn’t deserve this.

He could hear Izzy sobbing, calling his name as he drifted away from the world. There were words from Clary that Alec could not hear for he did not want to hear them, and then more crying as people shuffled around the car. Alec guessed they had done the deed and pressed the knife into his skull, mercifully not allowing him to change into one of those things.

Alec turned around and saw Simon’s legs hanging loosely from the car, his body rendered lifeless. Jace and Clary had stepped closer but Alec could not bring himself to. He needed to be there for his sister but the guilt consuming his heart would not allow him to do so.

Izzy got out of the car, her lip wobbling. Everyone watched her, their hearts going out and burning in pain. Not only was that for Izzy, but it was for themselves as well. Simon was a dear friend, no one should be lost to the world like that. Izzy looked at them all but her eyes had gone blurry because of the tears, her voice was shaky when she spoke.

“I’m pregnant.”


	15. You Are Still In It

>  “See, as much as you want to hold on to the bitter sore memory that someone has left this world, you are still in it”  
>  **―** Jodi Picoult, _My Sister's Keeper_

_Magnus_

_Before_

_Everything collapsed at once. The world went dark quicker than anyone thought was possible. Telephone communications went down and the CDC centres gave up before anyone even knew they were working on it. No planes flew, no boats sailed, nothing moved. The world lost its light._

_Magnus could imagine it from the space stations; slowly but surely, the lights of the world dying out like streetlamps being turned off during the day, except they would never turn back on. Whilst the world was once full of noise and frequencies, it would then go silent and dark. The world was ending and its darkness was the signal._

_Within the first few weeks, Magnus could tell not everyone in their group was exactly cut out for the apocalypse. Not that anyone was truly ready for it, but some were more prepared than others. Little Max was trying his best but he couldn’t contribute like they needed everyone to. No one could blame him, he was so young after all._

_But Alec’s parents weren’t prepared either. Robert Lightwood was a socially awkward, middle-aged man who had not tried to keep fit after he realised his relationship with his wife was doomed. His knowledge was limited, and he couldn’t keep up with everyone else._

_Maryse, whilst only slightly better off than her husband, was constantly questioning everyone. Perhaps she was trying to help, but it just ended in arguments. It caused even more stress than they were already feeling and she didn’t even know what they were talking about half the time. She was trying to play the protective mother in a situation she couldn’t control._

_Jonathan, Clary’s brother, was okay but he was panicky. He cared about his family a lot which got him into trouble because he didn’t care about himself as much. But, with Luke and Jocelyn taking good care of him, being the quick survivalist learners that they were, they got through that just fine._

_Simon’s family were not all good, however. His mother, Elaine and his sister, Rebecca were on the tentative side which was going to help no one during the days of the undead. Elaine had gone silent for the most part, following on as she let the PTSD get to her too strongly. That wasn’t necessarily her fault, but if people couldn’t get passed the PTSD or the depression, they wouldn’t get very far at all. They had to ignore the pain or it would consume them._

_They had been shacked up in a hotel for the first few weeks and most of them knew it was a mistake. The younger members, Max and Jonathan excluded, and Luke and Jocelyn were desperate to move on, knowing it was a mistake to remain. Maryse, however, was intent on not moving on and Robert, not being allowed to be with his mistress since she was nowhere to be found, agreed with Maryse in an attempt to make things less tense. She kept telling them all it was safe to be in a big building. But it wasn’t._

_Not only was nowhere safe but places that were targets for bandits were the worst to be in. And then there was the fact that if walkers came up in a herd, how would they escape? It was a terrible place to be but Magnus could see that Alec and Isabelle didn’t want to upset their mother, so they remained where they were._

_“We can’t live a life here,” Clary said to Magnus and some of the others when Maryse and Robert were talking to Max about something to do with rations. “This isn’t safe.”_

_They had set up in opposing rooms, Alec and his family in one room, Simon’s family with Jace and Clary and Clary’s family too in another. It would have been better to be in one room, but Maryse and Robert didn’t want them to live like ‘animals’ and arguments were the last thing they all wanted when the dead were walking around outside._

_“Mum won’t listen.” Isabelle sighed, glancing over to the three of them who were by the window._

_“I don’t think she understands that the reason we’re the only ones who are here is because everyone else realises it’s a mistake too,” Luke attempted to explain, though he wasn’t happy._

_“Hotels aren’t terrible,” Alec defended and Magnus could hear it in his voice, hear the fact he didn’t believe in what he was saying. “Big places like this should be able to last if we can defend them.”_

_“And how are we going to do that when we don’t even have any weapons?” Jace was growing less and less content with their circumstances as the seconds passed._

_“I don’t know, ask mum,” Alec said. “You’ve lived with her for how long? You know what she’s like when she’s set on something.”_

_“Maybe we should talk to her again,” Simon suggested, trying to keep the peace as he always did._

_“It’s no use.” Alec sighed and he sat back in the luxury sofa that he and Magnus were sat on._

_Magnus, trying to make him feel better, wrapped an arm around Alec’s shoulder and pulled him into his side, Alec resting his head on his shoulder once he was there. Gently, Magnus kissed Alec’s forehead._

_“So, what are we going to do?” Jace asked. “Are we just going to wait until something happens?”_

_“If we make a plan, then maybe we could persuade them to come with us,” Jonathan said, attempting to keep spirits high despite his panic._

_It was tough considering the undead were roaming the streets below._

_They attempted a plan, attempted to find something that would keep them going, but not much came. None of them had expected to live a life like this so thinking of the best place to go to, the best place for survival, it wasn’t easy. The zombie films they had watched didn’t really prepare them for this life, ‘_ Zombieland’ _not giving them much information and_ ‘The Walking Dead’ _telling them to find a farm but also that everything they had eventually got overrun or destroyed anyway._

_They went to sleep that night with nothing clearer in their minds or hearts. There were a variety of bedrooms amongst the two rooms and, thankfully, Magnus and Alec managed to get one. Alec had wanted to give it to Max but Max was content to sleep on the sofa with Jace and Clary in the other room._

_It was nice having a bed, especially one as luxurious as the one they had, but not so nice knowing they were in a very unstable place._

_“At least we have running water,” Magnus said. “I can imagine that won’t last.”_

_“But we’re living in a hotel,” Alec said._

_“Hey, how many times when you were younger did you want to live in a hotel?” Magnus asked._

_“Never, they’re so expensive.”_

_“Not now they aren’t.”_

_“Oh yeah, of course, I’ll just call up the concierge and ask for a limo into town tomorrow,” Alec joked, Magnus gently pinched his side. “I’m just so… tired. This life, I don’t understand it.”_

_“But you are still in it, so let’s keep faith.” Magnus kissed the top of Alec’s head and wrapped his arms tighter around his body, keeping him close. “Things will work out, I’m sure they will.”_

_That night, things proved that they would not work out, not ever._

_The fire exit door had been smashed when the wealthy occupants of the hotel had been rushed out, which was the exit that Magnus and the others had gotten in through since the front doors had been bolted shut. Walkers, being the curious beings that they were, had crept through one by one, following the crowd that was forming as they went._

_As they did not find what they were looking for on the ground floor, up they crept, climbing the stairs or, rather, stumbling up. Since they could smell the live people, they kept coming up and up and up until they found the rooms they wanted to be in; the rooms Magnus and the others were in._

_Once there, they banged on the door until it was loud enough to wake the occupants and Magnus’ heart froze in its place. Magnus had never felt a fear like this, never felt so afraid and trapped. Alec jumped up and ran straight to the main room to get the others, Magnus following behind._

_As the undead outside banged on the door, Magnus could see it beginning to buckle, bending as they threw their fists into the fragile wood. Magnus could feel himself beginning to shake with fear but he had to look passed that. They needed an escape route and panicking was not going to help._

_They met Isabelle and Simon when they got through the door, but Max was in the other room. Magnus could see the fear in Alec’s eyes as he worried about his brother’s safety, not being able to see him making him panic. Maryse and Robert were also not in the room. Alec sighed as he ran a hand through his hair, the walkers’ groans almost silencing Alec’s sigh._

_“Right, get out onto the fire exit,” Alec ordered._

_“It’s broken at the bottom,” Simon said._

_“I know, we’ll get to that when we can, just get out there and I’ll get mum and dad,” Alec said. “Make sure the others are getting out too.”_

_“But-,” Isabelle began._

_“Go, I’ll be out in a minute. I just need to get them.”_

_They went to the window and Magnus held it open as they climbed out, all of them looking to the other window to check if the others were following suit. They waited on the small, metal balcony, Magnus holding the window open for Alec, when he would come back that was._

_“Go knock on their window,” Magnus told them, not averting his gaze from inside the room, his vision blocked by the interior walls._

_“How are we meant to get there?” Simon asked._

_“We climb,” Isabelle said and she got to it. It was haphazard, the way they moved across, climbing from window to window. Isabelle and Simon scaled the building, Isabelle helping Simon jump onto the balcony once she landed there. Magnus watched for a moment as they knocked on the window but then he lost focus and went back to his own room._

_The walkers were knocking loudly, the door bucking more and more as they gained force and desperation to get in. Magnus clung to the window’s ledge, worry setting in as the walkers grew more frantic, the smell of living flesh filling them._

_Then the door broke. It shattered into small pieces, the hands of the undead grasping at the broken parts as they tried to pry it open further. Their bodies wouldn’t fit yet, but with some more pulling they would. Magnus’ throat grew thick, his heart stopping._

_On the other balcony, the others were climbing out, Max clinging to Jace. They looked towards Magnus, concern visible even from their distance. They crammed onto the small balcony, too big for them all to wait comfortably._

_“Climb down,” Magnus yelled across._

_“But Alec-,” Clary began._

_“He’ll get out with Maryse and Robert, but if we’re all still waiting here and those things get in, then us being stuck up here isn’t going to help. Climb down, now,” Magnus said, surprised at how steady his voice sounded._

_Slowly, the others started descending, Clary and Jace going first with Max climbing after Jace closely, then the others followed suit. Magnus stayed, watching and waiting as he clung to the window. The walkers were slowly tearing the door apart, ripping into their own skin with the sharp shards and covering the white paint with their blood._

_Magnus couldn’t wait any longer so he climbed back in, the window closing behind him as he ran to Alec’s side. The walkers caught a glimpse of him and got more frenzied, making Magnus run faster._

_When he arrived, he found Alec standing in front of the door that was still shut. He glanced at Magnus and furrowed his brow but he shook his head instead of saying anything._

_“They’ve blocked the door with the wardrobe,” he explained quickly. “Are the others okay?”_

_“Yeah, they got out, they’re climbing down now,” Magnus responded. “Okay, Maryse, Robert, we need to go.”_

_“We need to stay, block ourselves in. It’s safer in here,” Maryse replied from the other side._

_“No, it’s not. There’s hundreds of them outside the door. You’d block yourselves in forever,” Magnus explained. “The others have all gone, we need to go too.”_

_“That’s not a good idea,” Maryse said._

_“Please, Maryse. Please, Max has gone. We can’t stay here,” Magnus said._

_“Mum, dad, please,” Alec begged as another chunk of wood broke off. A walker could fit through now but the fact that they were all struggling to get in at the same time made them their own worst enemy. Magnus hoped they would keep fighting to get through until the four of them left._

_The sound of something heavy moving sounded from the other side of the door and then, after a few more seconds, the door opened. Maryse looked frightened, Robert didn’t look like he knew what to think. They stepped out and saw the arms of the undead and froze._

_“We need to go,” Alec said and they headed back to the window, avoiding the arms that were breaching further into the room._

_The window was stiff shut. Magnus and Alec tried with all their might but it wouldn’t budge. So much for safety. Cursing, Alec went to grab the fire extinguisher to start smashing through the glass. Slowly, cracks started to appear, but not fast enough._

_More of the door broke open and a walker started to pull itself through, tearing flesh from itself as it did and ripping open its chest to reveal the ribcage beneath. Magnus watched it as Alec continued to smash open the window. He needed to hurry, the walker was scrambling through, almost entirely in the room. Maryse and Robert focused on it as it saw them._

_Once it got all the way in, Alec smacked harder into the glass, finally shattering it enough for them to fit. Alec climbed through, cutting himself here and there, tearing his clothes on the sharp edges of the broken glass but ignoring it. Magnus, since he was closest, climbed through next and held out his hand for Maryse to do the same._

_Just as Maryse grabbed his hand, Robert was grabbed by the walker that had gotten through and then another two that had climbed in as well. He yelled out and Maryse froze. Magnus watched as Alec gripped onto his mother, the colour draining from his face._

_The walkers pulled Robert away into a small group that was forming as the undead piled into the room. Maryse was frozen as she watched her husband be devoured by them. Alec pulled at her arm but she didn’t seem to notice. She may have fallen out of love with Robert and he may have been having an affair that everyone knew about but no one spoke about because, in the Lightwood household, most felt unspoken problems were the best problems, but she did still love him. Despite the affair, Maryse wanted him to live._

_And he was being torn apart, torn to death. Alec was trying to ignore that so he could get his mother to safety. Tugging on her arm again, she finally seemed to twig and started to climb through. Magnus took her other arm and helped her climb out but, as if their luck wasn’t already at its lowest point, another walker grabbed her leg and started pulling her back in._

_The thing started tearing into the flesh of her leg with its fingers before it could get its teeth into her. Alec and Magnus pulled harder but Maryse was screaming. She was fighting but it wasn’t enough. Her struggle was drawing attention and more walkers came over, pulling Maryse further in._

_Maryse looked at Alec. “I’m sorry, I should have listened.” She let her grip go and Magnus released her, defeated._

_Alec still hung on but Maryse let herself be pulled in and he couldn’t hold on much longer. She was pulled in by the mass of the undead, devoured in the centre of them. She didn’t scream for much longer, Robert having been silenced long ago._

_And they didn’t even have time to mourn. The walkers saw them and tried to climb through so they had to get down the fire escape faster than their legs could carry them. At the bottom, Isabelle, Max, and the others looked confused, Alec not even able to tell them what happened for he had begun crying into Magnus’ chest, Magnus’ arms wrapped tight around him._

_They would have to move on, they would have to find somewhere safe. They had lost Maryse and Robert and they couldn’t even mourn. There were walkers on the streets and they had no time to pause. Magnus pulled them on, keeping Alec within his arms as they tried to find safety, somewhere. Magnus desperately hoped they would find something, they deserved something good. They really did._

_After_

“You’re what?” Alec asked.

Normally, an announcement of pregnancy would be grand, but not nowadays. Sure, if they were in a town things might be better because they would have medicine and injections and sterile environments. But now, they had none of that. It was like it was back to the Dark Ages where, when people got pregnant, they tended to die. A lot.

Isabelle had tear streaks down her face as she stepped away from the car, the oncoming herd forgotten.

“I’m pregnant,” she repeated, her entire body shaking. “I don’t know how long, maybe about two months. I’m lucky Maureen didn’t go into my stomach and that they didn’t beat me too much, otherwise I would have lost it.”

“Izzy,” Alec began to protest and Magnus could hear the desperation in his voice. “You’re talking like you want to keep it.”

Alec’s voice was weak. They had all liked Simon, loved him in fact. Alec was still clinging to Magnus but he was facing away from him. Despite that, Magnus could tell his face would be clinging to the hope that Isabelle wouldn’t have the child. Magnus knew Alec well and could read his body’s expressions just as well as his face.

“Of course I do,” Isabelle said, wiping at her eyes. “It’s Simon’s. You can’t expect me to get rid of it.”

“That’s so dangerous,” Clary said. “Think about it, Simon wouldn’t want you to put yourself in danger for him.” Magnus was surprised that Clary was sounding as strong as she was considering Simon was her best friend.

Then again, the world had changed and if you didn’t stay strong, then you weren’t going to get by. If you didn’t mourn fast, then you too were going to die. It was painful but that was life and there was nothing else to be done about it.

“No, he wouldn’t, but that was before he died,” Isabelle said, straightening herself out and standing tall. “Now I have to do it because this is all that’s left of Simon.”

“Simon’s in our memories and in our hearts, we can’t have you in danger,” Clary said as Alec seemed to have lost his voice.

Magnus took hold of Alec’s hand and held it tight, feeling Alec collapse into him. No matter what, Magnus would be there for Alec, even if it meant having to be strong when he wasn’t strong at all.

“This is his child,” Isabelle said, shaking her head in disbelief at the others. “You must all understand that?”

“Think about it,” Magnus said, bringing her attention to him. “Back before, when things were good, there were pills that one would have to take if they were pregnant. There would be check-ups and appointments and medicine, and that’s before you would even go into labour. Then, once you go into labour, who’s to say that you wouldn’t need a C-section? If you did, none of us could perform that. And, even if you didn’t, there’s nothing safe or clean about the places we live in, there would be no pain medication, nothing to help you through the labour. Then there’s the aftercare for not only you, but the child as well. Then you’d have to raise a baby in this-,”

“I get what you’re saying Magnus,” Isabelle cut him off. “But it’s worth it for Simon.”

There was such a finality to her statement that no one dared to say anymore.

Magnus knew it was a mistake, he knew it would almost definitely end her life, but she was set on it. When Isabelle Lightwood was set on something, she would do it and no one could stop her no matter how hard they tried. The Lightwoods were stubborn, Magnus had learnt that over the years.

A few weeks later and it was clear that Isabelle was pregnant and that her body wasn’t just corrupted by the terrible eating and the stress. Isabelle was always a thin girl, her stomach had always been flat, but now there was a slight bump that changed her figure. Of course, at that many weeks it wasn’t all that noticeable, but when you looked at someone as much as they all looked at each other, you could tell.

There was nothing they could do about it. Isabelle decided she was going to have the baby and, because they had no say in what Isabelle did with her body because it was _her_ body, they let her carry on. She would get big, she wouldn’t be able to outrun the undead, she wouldn’t be able to do much at all. But this was her choice and they would stick by her.

With all their mental and physical scars, Magnus still feeling shaky and torn up about what had happened to him, they thought this chance at hope might get them through. There were a thousand and one things that could go wrong; miscarriage, malnutrition and all that, but this was hope. They lived off hope.

Every time they came across a shop that sold any form of medicines, they went in and gathered whatever they could. It was never very much, Isabelle needed all manner of vitamins and the like, and they never found many. But whatever they did find, Isabelle was always grateful for it. She knew that her choice had been accepted, even if it was begrudgingly.

None of them were over what had happened to Simon, in fact they had all become incredibly cautious around everything. Everything they did, it came with precautions, and that was in his memory.

Magnus could see that Isabelle had become melancholy but she was trying to carry on. She had taken Simon’s wedding ring and wore it around her neck on a piece of string. Absentmindedly, Magnus could see her play with it as she thought or in the quiet moments of the day. It broke Magnus’ heart to see beautiful Isabelle look so broken.

In a much different way, when Magnus felt himself feel idly, he played with the ‘X’ that was scarred into his hand. It made him think of before, of their weeks spent in that hell house. When Magnus’ mind went back there, when he was triggered to Camille and everything she had done, he grabbed Alec and pulled him close.

He could tell that Alec was sometimes confused by it but, when Magnus started shaking or even crying again, Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus and didn’t let go. He touched him gently, his hands careful against Magnus’ back or sides, never touching any bare skin unless Magnus said it was okay. It was unlike who they were and it was completely, totally unfair.

But that was the way the world was. Magnus also watched as Alec lost all of his hope. When either of them were feeling less hopeful, the other would try and show them the light. If they both lost hope, then they would all die, that much was practically fact. So they needed someone to be happy and Magnus would take on that role for Alec even if it drained him.

Currently, they were sat inside a drugstore after raiding it for everything it had left, which wasn’t exactly a lot. Isabelle was sat by herself in the corner, playing with her wedding ring on her finger. Her stomach had grown considerably, almost at the four month mark. Magnus couldn’t look at her for very long.

Their beards had grown back and they trimmed them with a pair of scissors they had found, but not often. Magnus’ face had grown patchy and they all stank again, showers appearing nowhere and none of them feeling safe enough to bathe in a few of the small lakes or pools of water they had found. They were living in the wilderness and it was tough enough without Isabelle being pregnant.

She struggled to walk, her stomach weighing her down. They couldn’t run, not anymore. They always had to take the safest and flattest of routes, avoiding all signs of walkers because they could not escape at speed. She was clearly getting a backache from all the extra weight, but she didn’t complain.

They had discussed going back to the town with Maia but they had long lost the way, after Valentine and all that. They were going to have to do this in the wilderness, though they hoped they would find a home or something stable for her to have the child in. It was unlikely considering their luck but maybe they would. Hope, they still had it somewhere, in the back of their minds.

The drugstore they were in wasn’t exactly full of hope but it was the safest place they had been in for the few months they had been out there. It had walls and shelves to hide behind. It was something which they didn’t get a lot of.

With Alec beside him, Magnus took his hand and interlocked their fingers. Alec looked up to him and gave him a sad smile, knowing what was going through his head about his sister. Everyone was worried for her, it was impossible not to be.

“Are you okay?” Magnus asked quietly.

Alec nodded but didn’t say anything. Instead, he rested his head against Magnus’ shoulder so Magnus could wrap an arm around him. With Alec’s body leaning so fully onto Magnus’, Magnus could be the rock he needed him to be.

“I’m just tired,” Alec said.

Gently, Magnus placed his head on top of Alec’s. “She’s going to be okay. I mean, look at her, look how well she’s keeping up.”

“It’s not nine months yet,” Alec said, and he took Magnus’ hand again before he started gently playing with the skin, massaging his fingers over it lightly.

“I think she’ll be fine.”

“Thinking doesn’t equate to reality.”

“Would you really want to her to get rid of it?” Magnus asked. Magnus did at first, but if Isabelle wanted to do it, then that was her right. It was her body, her choice. Sure, it was risky, but no one had right to that decision other than her.

“I don’t know,” Alec said.

They all seemed to be saying that a lot recently. No one was sure of anything. Every decision they made, it was based on guesses, on intuitions. It wasn’t the best way to be living, but they didn’t have much choice. They made risky choices, and they got by until they didn’t, and that was life.

“I just want her to be safe,” Alec said after a pause. “Since Simon’s been gone, she looks so sad.”

“Understandable, don’t you think?” Magnus said, trying to keep things light humoured even though it was about such a dark subject.

“I don’t know how to make her happy.” Alec sighed. “She’s my little sister, and I can’t help her. How messed up is that?”

“Keep yourself safe, that’ll keep us all happy,” Magnus said, pressing his lips to Alec’s hair. “Me most especially.”

Alec scoffed. “You just need me for my dick.”

Magnus laughed though they hadn’t had sex since the day before they got kidnapped because Magnus wasn’t feeling all that up to it. They barely even kissed because of it. Something about being intimate always brought back the image of Camille, doing whatever she wanted with him.

It brought back the feel of her cold lips on his neck and her thin hands draping themselves over his naked body. It brought back her smile at the sight of his discomfort. It brought back the hairs rising across his body uncomfortably. It brought back her and Magnus wanted nothing to do with her.

When that happened, Magnus went back to thinking about her dead body, lying pale and cold on the floor. The thought of her bleeding and suffering, that’s what made Magnus feel better. There was a part of him that knew thinking like that was wrong, but it made him feel better nonetheless.

Their scars had healed somewhat, some of them still twitching on the occasion but it wasn’t so bad. The ‘X’ on Magnus’ hand had faded, sure, but it was enough to remind him of Jessamine and her evils. Alec’s body had plenty of scars across it, Magnus saw them all when they had to change shirts, the old ones wretched with sweat and stench. Magnus wanted them to go away, he willed them with all his might and they had faded, but they were still there.

Outside, Magnus could see that the sky was darkening. The stars were coming out in their thousands, blurring the sky in a mass of winking lights that Magnus never thought was possible, especially living in New York for as long as he had.

It seemed calm outside, which was something Magnus thought they deserved. After so long of running and sleeping in terribly uncomfortable places, they deserved something nicer, calmer.

As if on cue, a walker dragged itself by the window, stumbling as half of the flesh on one its legs was missing. Thankfully, it didn’t notice the five of them sat inside the darkened shop and it carried on with its journey. It passed slowly and all five of the occupants watched as it moved pitifully through the world. Magnus’ heart went out to the person that that walker had been before.

Then something odd flew through the air, shining underneath the moonlight. It connected with the zombie’s head and it fell to the ground. Magnus and the others froze, holding their breath as if that was going to stop them from being visible.

They had not dealt with people since their kidnappers, coming to see the evil in all of humanity. Jace went over to Isabelle and helped her up, bringing Clary with him as they joined Magnus and Alec behind one of the shelves. Magnus, being the tallest, peered over the edge and waited with bated breath.

“Can you see anything?” Clary asked, too short to even be able to tiptoe and see over the shelves like Alec and Jace could.

“No,” Magnus whispered back, his eyes searching through the window as quickly as he could.

Across the street, there were a few other shops but mainly it was an empty parking lot. A few bodies lay on the ground, but mostly it was cluttered with shopping trolleys and the discarded items of people moving on by. Nothing seemed to move outside.

As Magnus thought that whoever had thrown the odd shaped weapon moved onto a different area of the shopping venue, a man came through. He ran oddly, as if he were on stilts and he had unkempt ginger hair. Peculiarly, he was wearing a waistcoat of all things and it wasn’t ripped or bloody or anything like that.

And even though he didn’t look evil, Magnus didn’t feel like running up to him and shaking his hand. People were not easy to deal with and if they looked kind on the outside, they were probably hiding something. No part of Magnus wanted to find out what that was.

“Guys!” The red head called out to people Magnus couldn’t see. “It worked. I told you it would. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.” He bent down to pick up the weapon and dried it off with a rag he kept in his pocket.

“What is it?” Clary asked.

“There’s someone there,” Magnus answered. “There’s more coming. Stay quiet.”

“One success out of about a thousand is something to hold onto, I’m sure Henry,” another man said as he approached the redhead.

This one had long black hair that came into his eyes and was quite tall. To be honest, he was attractive but Magnus knew not to think about anything like that, not after where it led to last time.

He patted Henry on the back rather roughly, but Henry was not fazed by the other man’s sarcasm. Steadily, another seven people came into the mix and Magnus could see they were all smiling, all happy. It baffled Magnus considering they looked so casual during the apocalypse, perhaps they were mad.

If they were, then Magnus would want nothing to do with them. Magnus liked to think he was very sane and that sanity was necessary for survival. There was no way these people could just be happy for the sake of being happy. No way at all.

“Right, where shall we sleep for the night?” Asked a pretty girl that looked exactly the same as the black haired man that was now having some sort of private joke with another man with brown hair that had an odd streak of silver within it. It was not the silver of age but of something else Magnus could not quite put his finger on.

“We’ve been running low on medicine,” a petite woman with brown hair said. “We should take a look in there and remain for the night.”

 _Shit._ Magnus thought. He said, “They’re coming in here.”

“What should we do?” Jace asked.

“I don’t know. They look fine, but too fine almost. There’s isn’t a drop of dirt on them,” Magnus said. “Let’s go round the back, see if we can get out through a backdoor.”

The others nodded and started to move. They went quietly, moving through the shelves without being seen. The front door opened and the others moved at a faster pace with Magnus upfront and Alec bringing up the rear, keeping a hand on his sister’s back.

They got to the counter and knelt down, Isabelle struggling to do so. As she went passed, she knocked an empty till with her stomach, knocking it onto the floor with an enormous smash. She cursed, holding onto her belly as she hissed. No longer caring that they were meant to be hiding from the nine strangers that had now seen them, Alec pulled his sister up.

“Are you okay?” Alec asked.

Magnus wanted to focus on those two but he couldn’t help but look at the new people, staring at them with raised weapons. They didn’t have weapons of their own except for a few knives and one gun with barely any ammo left for it. Magnus raised it all the same.

“Hi,” the black haired man said, cracking a smile that screamed arrogance. “How are you doing?”

No one answered, mainly because they were focused on Isabelle who was wincing in pain.

“Do you need anything, Isabelle?” Magnus asked, not looking at her but still staring down the others.

“What’s wrong with her?” A man with tousled brown hair and bored eyes asked.

“Is she _pregnan_ t?” A girl with a long scar down her face asked, her brow furrowed at Isabelle and concern in her eyes.

“Don’t pay attention to her,” Magnus said.

“We can help her if she needs it,” the petite woman offered. “We have experience with this sort of thing.”

“You don’t touch her,” Jace said, suddenly standing by Magnus’ side, his shoulders tense.

“My name’s Charlotte,” Charlotte said, trying to earn their trust. “We’re good people, we had a town before where a girl was pregnant. She gave birth, she lived, we can help.”

“She’s not in labour,” Magnus said.

“Then why is she in pain?” Charlotte asked. Magnus couldn’t believe how calm she was. “We have medicine, we can help.”

Magnus was struggling. They needed Isabelle in the best condition and knocking her pregnant stomach was not going to help that. But if these people were bad people, who knew what they would do. They could easily take advantage of them and Magnus didn’t want any of them to go through what they had already been through again. They didn’t deserve it.

A woman with a kind face stepped forward. “My name’s Tessa, I can help.”

Magnus looked at Jace whose stubborn eyes didn’t give off much. “Fine, but only a couple of you can come round.”

“It’s not like the five of you could really take us on though, is it?” The glaring man said.

“Gabriel, don’t be an ass,” the blacked haired girl said.

“Tessa and I will come,” Charlotte said, and she and Tessa lowered their weapons to approach Isabelle and Alec.

Magnus did not let his gaze leave the others who still had their weapons raised, though they had become less stiff. There was a conversation between Isabelle, Alec, and the two women but Magnus did not pay attention to that. Alec could protect his sister if she needed protecting.

“How long have you been here?” Henry asked, trying to keep everyone calm.

Magnus did not answer.

“Wow, friendly bunch you are,” the black haired man said. His arrogance could have matched Jace’s.

“We met some not so nice people a while back, forgive us if we don’t want to trust some random strangers that seem cleaner than the world around them,” Jace said.

“We understand,” the black haired girl said. “My name’s Cecily, this is Jem, Will, Gabe, Gideon, Henry, and Sophie,” Cecily introduced them all in turn. “And you are?”

“Does it matter?” Jace asked.

“Knowing names makes being civil easier,” Cecily said.

“Who says we want to be civil?” Jace was not giving up.

“Aren’t we helping your friend?” Gabriel asked and he seemed uninterested in everything.

“Knowing names didn’t help those others be civil to us,” Jace said, though these people had no clue who he was talking about. “I can remember their names now, doesn’t make me want to smile about them. Valentine, Sebastian, Maureen, Jessamine, Nate-,”

“Nate?” Tessa asked, standing up from where she was as Charlotte held Isabelle’s hand and told her to take some breaths. “You know Nate?”

“What?” Jace asked. “You know him?”

Magnus tensed again and raised the gun to Tessa who put her hands up in surrender. The others raised their weapons again and suddenly it was another standoff.

“Step away from her,” Magnus said, talking to Charlotte.

“We’re not a part of that group,” Charlotte said, understanding the situation without even having to look up. “Nate and Jess were with us when it all began, Nate is Tessa’s brother but he became corrupted by Axel. Jess was in love with Nate and she ran off with him. We were all a part of this big group that were tortured and beaten, caught up in something that wasn’t our fault, Valentine got us all out. Everyone who agreed with him wanting to torture people went with him, the rest of us got out. Jess did not agree but her infatuation for Nate meant she left us too. We are not a part of them.”

“How is she?” Sophie asked.

“Dead,” Jace said, not holding back.

Almost all of them gasped but they did not lower their weapons.

“We killed them. All of them. Nate and Jess included. I don’t know if we’re going to get along so well now,” Jace said. “Maybe you should step away.”

“I’m sure you had to do what you had to do, right?” Jem said, bringing people’s attention to him as he smiled, gently and beautifully. He looked fragile, Magnus noted. “We all have to do terrible things. You’re not bad people, we can see that. I shan’t hold you to something you had to do to keep yourselves safe, none of us will.”

Magnus looked towards Tessa who had gone pale but she smiled all the same. “People turn into people you can’t even recognise anymore. He wasn’t my brother after this all began. I won’t begrudge you.”

For a second, Magnus contemplated their situation. Two groups, completely separate but facing the same situation, thrust together because of the way the world was. Seeing how gentle Tessa was in comparison to her brother, Magnus softened towards her. Perhaps there was still some good in the world.

“My name’s Magnus,” he said, lowering his weapon. “This is Jace and Clary, over there is Alec, and Isabelle is the pregnant one. Sorry, we’ve just been through so much shit recently.”

“It’s understandable,” Tessa said before kneeling again at Isabelle’s side.

The others lowered their weapons too. Outside, the world had gone dark and only the moon silhouetted the trees and the buildings. Once upon a time, Magnus would have contemplated its beauty but now he saw only the darkness.

Charlotte and Tessa helped Isabelle get better and her stomach hurt no longer. They had a lot more pills and a lot more water than Magnus could even comprehend. The fact that they had more bodies to carry their supplies helped, but the fact they _had_ more supplies was more than Magnus could understand.

Even after all their raiding, all their searching for supplies, they still didn’t have very much. They had to ration carefully, drink less than was good for them, eat so little they were always hungry. It wasn’t exactly fair or healthy.

And Jem and the others had the time and supplies to shave. They were all hairless across their faces, they didn’t have matted beards or unruly hair. The only reason some of them had longer hair was because they liked it that way. Magnus couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy.

Most of them stayed up well into the night. Mainly it was because they were chatting to each other, but it was also because they didn’t exactly trust each other yet. Even if they had agreed to lower their weapons and not do anything rash, they had only just met. Times may have changed but trusting people quickly had not gotten easier. In fact, it had gotten even harder.

But they were helping Isabelle. They had knowledge that Magnus never even thought of trying to learn about. They also let the others shave and even gave them haircuts which meant they were much closer to their heads with blades than they were comfortable with but they needed haircuts. If not, they would have stunk more than usual and no one deserved that.

When the next day came, they decided they should leave since the drugstore was not going to house them all forever. A little way into the wooded area to the side of the shopping venue, they found a lone house and settled into it. It was eerie and Magnus didn’t want to stay there but it had beds and Isabelle would be getting too large to move safely soon. They needed to find somewhere to settle and this was where they went.

Magnus learnt to trust the nine new people that came into his life. Sure, it took a while for Magnus to truly believe they were purely there to help them, but once it came, Magnus found that they were actually really, really nice people. Too good for the world they lived in, in fact.

Charlotte, pretty much the leader of her group, was kind and caring, and she didn’t take shit from anyone. When she made a decision, she very much stuck to it and made sure everyone understood everything that was going on. She cared for not only her own people but for the new people in her life too. She was fierce when she hunted and Magnus found that he rather liked the way she led, the authority she naturally had.

Henry was on the mad side. Pretty much every weapon he used had been of his own creation. They were peculiar and not all of them worked. Magnus had been told that a lot of them fell apart the second he picked them up, but some of them were ingenious, so they let him continue.

Another interesting thing about Henry was his legs. Apparently, very early on when everything began, both of his legs had to be chopped off for infection or being bitten, Magnus didn’t know for sure because they weren’t very specific. They skipped the early details because, after Henry thought he was going to die, he _built_ his own prosthetic legs. He built them so he could carry on working. Magnus and the others were amazed to say the least.

Then there was Gabriel who was not as friendly as the others, but perhaps that was because he kept his guard up. Around certain individuals like his wife and his brother, he was kinder. Towards Magnus and the others, he didn’t exactly run up and hug them, but he didn’t spit on them either. They weren’t becoming fast friends but Magnus could tell Gabriel trusted them, vice versa applicable too.

His wife, Cecily, was much more emotional than she had seemed at first. She was small and feisty and a lot stronger than she appeared, but she cried more than Magnus had expected. When everyone talked of their past when meeting their loves and the moments they shared together, Cecily cried. Without fail. Every time.

She cried a lot when Isabelle spoke of Simon too but a lot of people welled up at that. It was heart-breaking and even Magnus and Alec held onto each other dearly as they heard her recall the details of their love and then of his death too. It was painful to hear it again and it always would be.

Gideon was one of the most endearing men Magnus had ever met. He fumbled a lot over his words, most especially around Sophie who he was already married to. It was sweet, and he was kind and very caring. When they were outside, hunting, Gideon was skilled but he preferred to watch over everyone else and make sure they were okay. He was kind of like Alec in that manner, so Magnus appreciated him more for that.

Sophie had been injured in a fight, her face being cut into horrendously. Magnus could tell she was self-conscious about it but she was no less beautiful. It may have been a stark contrast to her skin, but she was still stunning. She was quiet but that did not take away from her kindness. She had a lot of medical experience too, so all of her qualities were highly appreciated.

Tessa was tender and kind as well. She was softly spoken and Magnus got on with her because she could be incredibly stubborn when she wanted to be. He wasn’t entirely sure why he got on with her so well, but she was so kindly natured that maybe she just got on with everyone. A lot of their time together was spent laughing which was foreign to Magnus, so he almost craved her company.

Her stubbornness clashed with Will’s stubbornness. Tessa was in a relationship with Will and Jem and they were both very different people, but their relationship with each other was like brothers. Will was arrogant and sarcastic and was very much like Jace but he looked more like Alec. Magnus also got on with Will very well, his sense of humour was one that Magnus highly appreciated. Deep down, Magnus could tell he was very loving and loyal and Magnus could appreciate that because everyone had a front that hid something vulnerable beneath it.

Finally, there was Jem. His loving and kind nature came through in his very being as he was always gentle, almost fragile. According to the others, he had been very sick before the apocalypse but had managed to overcome that because he was a strong person that thrived on the love of his friends. And he certainly did have that love because he was so generous and so kind.

He was always thinking about everyone else before himself. Giving away his food and water most of the time, Magnus came to understand why he looked so thin. Constantly, Tessa and Will were making sure he ate. It wasn’t as though he had an eating disorder, it was merely that he wanted everyone else to eat before he did.

By the time Magnus had come to know these people better than he knew some of his own friends back before this whole undead thing, Isabelle was heavily pregnant. She was almost at the nine month mark which they knew because of her size, not because of any pregnancy test.

It became apparent over the months that she became pregnant in the supermarket when Jace took the condom. Jace confessed his guilt about it, but everyone told him that it wasn’t his fault. How could they have known that this was going to be the result? It was no one’s fault.

Over this time too, Magnus and Alec grew closer and happier. Even if Isabelle’s fate still seemed perilous because, whilst the pregnancy was one battle, the birth was the final one after all the soldiers were exhausted, they were still trying to be hopeful. Alec smiled more and it wasn’t so forced. It lit up his eyes and illuminated his face. It was the smile Magnus had fallen in love with so many years ago.

They still hadn’t had sex because there were so many people in the house, they all had to share rooms and nothing was exactly quiet. Before, that wouldn’t have bothered either of them, they were noisy and they knew it. Now, it felt a little inappropriate considering these people did not know them before the end of the world arrived.

They kissed more though, Magnus feeling more confident in himself. When Alec’s lips no longer felt like Camille’s because of his sick mind, Magnus kissed him fully. He could caress his body once more and didn’t mind it when Alec did the same. They couldn’t moan into each other’s mouths because they shared a room with Jace and Clary since Isabelle slept in the same room as Charlotte in case she needed her, but they could still kiss and touch each other. As long as Magnus prepared himself for intimacy beforehand, he could get through it. Spontaneity, whilst once his favourite thing, was something that would trigger him now.

A lot of their evenings that they spent with everyone and not on their own were spent guessing at the sex of Isabelle’s baby. Old wives’ tales came out as people spoke of the indications they thought would signal towards the sex. None of them were accurate, only a pregnancy test and a medical check-up could make the correct choice, and even then, they were not one hundred percent trustworthy.

“My mother always told me,” Sophie began when they were eating a few cottontails they had caught the day before, cooking them on the fire they had set up in the fireplace. “If the bump is round, it’s a boy, and when it’s not so round, it’s a girl.”

“How can a pregnant stomach not be round?” Will asked.

“You know, like sometimes it sticks out more, and sometimes it goes round more.” Sophie tried explaining with motions but none of them seemed to get it.

“My mother did the dangle with the rock thing to guess me,” Will said. “If it goes left to right, it’s a boy, right?”

No one knew. These tales were old and they had long forgotten the rules of such.

“My mother ate a lot of spicy food,” Jem said. “That’s meant to make it a boy, I think.”

“I thought that made it a girl?” Tessa mused.

“Having sex with your hips up makes it a boy, right?” Will said.

“I heard that a long penis makes it more likely to be a boy,” Tessa said.

“I’m not comfortable talking about the size of Simon’s penis,” Clary said and there was some gentle laughter, even from Isabelle.

“My father always used to say,” Alec began. “When mum had Max and me, he kept mum really active, and when she had Izzy, he gave her loads of backrubs.”

“Are you saying boys are more active?” Cecily asked, feigning offence.

“Of course not.” Alec laughed lightly. “I don’t think this stuff affects the foetus at all.”

“I think it has to have something to do with it,” Gideon said. “Maybe not the specifics, but the food or the lifestyle has to considering how our bodies react to the world around us. I mean, all babies start out as girls and then they like, mutate into boys if they do.”

“Are you saying something is mutating inside me?” Isabelle asked, laughing.

Gideon blushed. “I didn’t mean it like that. Sorry.”

Laughter followed and then they continued to talk about the peculiar ways parents tried to gage their children’s sexes whilst in the uterus well into the night. When everyone went to bed, Magnus and Alec made out passionately, unable to restrain themselves. Perhaps they were feeling broody with all the baby talk, Magnus wasn’t entirely sure.

The night temperature had cooled at long last, working its way into the winter nights. Their bodies were hot as they kept each other close on the bed, for it was their turn on the bed that night. Their hands roamed across each other’s bodies, underneath their shirts.

Alec was led on top of Magnus’ body, their legs intertwined. With hot breaths, Magnus pulled Alec’s body into his own, Alec melting into him as their bodies aligned. Desperately, Magnus wanted to moan into his mouth, but he couldn’t.

They stopped kissing and smiled at each other. After adjusting themselves so they lay side down on the bed facing each other, Magnus wrapped an arm around Alec’s hips and kept him close. Alec pecked his lips again. That was about as much as Magnus could do before he was triggered back to Camille, forced into a shaking mess.

“Do you feel safe, Alec?” Magnus asked, staring into his ever blue eyes with nothing but love.

Alec nodded. “Mhm. I like these people, they make us better as a group.”

Magnus nodded.

“Do you think Will’s hot?” Alec asked out of the blue. There wasn’t jealousy in his eyes, just curiosity and warmth.

Laughing, Magnus said, “Raziel, yes. But it’s because he has your blue eye, black hair combination. I love that.” Magnus brushed the hair out of his eyes and tucked it behind his ear.

“I think Jem’s kind of hot,” Alec said, smiling as he blushed.

“Definitely. Very hot,” Magnus said, pressing his lips to Alec’s momentarily. He could feel the stubble growing on Alec’s chin again. “You’re spiky.”

“I know, I need to shave. You’re so lucky you just get that wispy stuff, I’m jealous.”

“You know I love it when you’re all rugged,” Magnus said, pulling Alec closer and pressing their lips together briefly. “You’re like a man, you know, like a dirty, sexy man.”

Alec laughed and let his hands travel down Magnus’ body. They brushed against Magnus’ crotch and Magnus tensed. Suddenly, he was seeing Camille on top him, moaning her name forcedly. His blood ran cold and he pulled away from Alec with a sigh.

“I’m sorry,” Alec hurried out. “I didn’t mean to, it just happened. I’m sorry.”

Magnus dismissed him with a smile. “Don’t worry. I’m not there yet, that’s all.”

He wanted to be. He wanted to be able to touch Alec like he used, he wanted to be able to be touched and feel Alec’s warm hands upon his body and his cock. He could cope with his hands lightly on his skin but not with any passion or fire. It had to be gentle or Magnus would feel uncomfortable.

And he knew Alec would never and could never hurt him like that. That wasn’t what the issue was, it was the memories that hurt the most. Desperately, Magnus wanted to see only Alec’s blue eyes but he could see Camille’s green ones burning into his skull, engrained into his memory and he wished them away with all of his being.

Some part of Magnus wanted to push through the barrier, jump straight into it and make love to Alec. If he could just get passed the feeling of shame he felt, then he would be fine and he could finally live wholly again. He was being held back and he wanted to break through.

But it wasn’t going to be broken today because they were in a room with Clary and Jace, and Magnus feared he would not be able to be quiet enough if he did. So, instead, he asked Alec if he would mind being given a hickey since his neck seemed so bare without the bruises Magnus so loved to give.

After agreeing, Magnus set his hot mouth to Alec’s neck and began sucking. Alec’s skin tasted sweet against his tongue and he used his teeth to graze over the skin. His mouth remembered Alec’s body and the sensitive spots on his neck. It caused wonderful sensations through his body.

Apparently the same could be said for Alec as he moaned much too loudly. Magnus chuckled against his neck before he pulled away to see Alec with fear in his eyes and his mouth closed shut tight.

“There are people in the room, honey,” Magnus said, joking and not quite being able to get it out without laughing.

Alec buried his face in Magnus’ neck in shame. Wrapping his arms around him once more, Magnus pulled him tight into his chest. He was still laughing lightly. “We have to work on you being quiet, or we’ll never get anything done.”

“You say that as if we’re going to be here forever,” Alec said into Magnus’ chest, his arms coming around Magnus’ waist.

“Don’t you see it like that?”

“I don’t know, it’s a tiny house in the middle of the woods. It doesn’t feel long term, not if we have a baby amongst us.”

“We could hunt, there’s plenty of wildlife. And we haven’t seen many walkers, so it’s safer. I don’t think it would be the worst place to stay,” Magnus said.

“There’s nothing here for a baby.”

“There’s not much out there either. At least this place can be kept warm. And Charlotte does have a bunch of stuff, and we found that shop a few months back with all the cribs and stuff that we brought here. It would be better than being out there.”

“I don’t deny that,” Alec said and he looked up to Magnus. “I just don’t think fourteen, wait, _fifteen_ people including the baby, will be able to survive here. Not for the rest of our lives.”

Magnus went to speak again but was cut off by a scream that erupted through the house. Alec pulled away from Magnus instantly and ran across the bedroom and through the door with a slam, leaving Magnus in the dark as Clary and Jace awoke.

“What was that?” Clary asked, rubbing her eyes.

“That was Isabelle.”


	16. You'll Find Your Way Through

>  “I'll tell you something about tough times. They just about kill you, but if you decide to keep working at them, you'll find your way through.”  
>  ― Joan Bauer, _Close to Famous_

_Alec_

When Alec ran away from walkers, he thought that was the fastest he could run. Then again, he didn’t ever think he would have to run through a house to get to his pregnant sister who was screaming in the middle of the apocalypse because, well, who would take that into account?

He burst into Charlotte, Henry, and Izzy’s room without even knocking. He found Izzy sat up on the bed with towels surrounding her. Charlotte was on her left, Tessa on her right, and Sophie was at the foot of the bed, looking through pills galore. Henry was standing in the corner, looking paler than usual.

They all turned to look at Alec when he entered.

“Is she okay?” Alec asked, out of breath as he ran to his sister’s side.

Her face was red and there was sweat running down her forehead. Through heavy breaths, she tried to smile at Alec but she was in too much pain for it to last.

“She’s in labour,” Charlotte said. “She has been for the past couple of hours.”

“Why didn’t anyone come and get me?” Alec asked, taking hold of Izzy’s hand, accidentally pushing Tessa out of the way though she said nothing.

“Labour can take hours,” Tessa said, resting a hand on Alec’s shoulder. “She’s only just getting the most painful contractions, we were going to get you in a moment. Don’t worry, this is normal.”

Izzy gripped onto Alec’s hand as another contraction ran through her. Charlotte told her to try and grunt instead of scream and Izzy did so. It sounded so painful that Alec was suddenly glad he had a penis because labour sounded like the worst thing in the world, other than becoming a walker that is.

Soft footsteps sounded from outside the door.

“Did you bring the wet cloths, Will?” Tessa asked, leaving Alec’s side.

Will entered the room and handed the cloth to Tessa. He was quiet for a moment before he laughed. “Nice neck, Alec. Fall over, did you?”

Alec flushed and brought a hand to his neck. The sound of someone hitting Will across the arm came to Alec’s ears and he thanked Tessa inside his head.

“Maybe we should give her some privacy,” Charlotte said.

“It’s all right,” Izzy said, her voice straining. “I’m a confident girl, I can take it.” She attempted yet another smile but it was too much work.

More people filled the room, Magnus, Clary, Jace, and Jem. They all looked at Izzy nervously. Finally, Sophie found the pills she was looking for and she gave them to Izzy with a bottle of water. She took them quickly before another contraction tore through her and she squeezed Alec’s hand as if that was the cure to her pain.

He didn’t mind though. He would do whatever he could to make her better, to make her feel safe or to take away her pain in any way possible. She didn’t let go of his hand and Alec didn’t make her either.

A few hours later, however, his hand was aching. Alec had heard stories of labours going on for hours and hours, he had had to sit in the hospital wing when Max was being born and he had taken ten hours after Maryse’s water had broken, so he knew it could take a while. But to be in labour for this long, Alec could only imagine how painful and exhausting it was.

People had filtered in and out but Izzy barely noticed which was entirely understandable. She did have something else to focus on after all. The four who remained consistently were Sophie, Charlotte, Tessa, and Alec.

She was in a dress and Sophie was constantly looking down there which made Alec uncomfortable because it was his sister and it was a little too intimate for his liking. But he wouldn’t leave. No matter what happened, Alec would stay with his sister until it was done because Simon wasn’t there to give her the comfort she needed.

But then Gideon came running into the room saying, from the attic, a small herd was on its way. Of course it was. A few of the faster undead had already reached the building and were being taken out one by one but they weren’t sure how well they were all going to fare when the larger number came through.

“What are you saying?” Charlotte asked as Izzy went through yet another contraction. They had gotten more regular and apparently that meant she would be giving birth sometime soon. Alec didn’t know, he didn’t understand it all that well.

“I don’t know,” Gideon said, out of breath. “I’m just warning you all. We need to be quiet and it’s really inconvenient and I’m sorry, but I can’t help it.”

“Is everyone else down there?” Charlotte asked.

Gideon nodded. “Everyone’s set at a window, a couple of people are outside, trying to take down the ones that are reaching us first.”

“How big is it?”

“A couple hundred, maybe more. I can’t see beyond the horizon line, there are too many trees.”

“When they start to approach in a bigger herd, bring everyone inside and lock and block all the doors. Then come upstairs.”

“Are we going to wait for them to pass through?” Sophie asked.

“If we can. I don’t really want anyone firing gunshots, it would draw too much attention here and we aren’t exactly in the right position for that right now,” Charlotte said. “Go, tell the others.”

Gideon nodded and exited the room.

“Could this be any more inconvenient?” Izzy asked, laughing with a tight throat.

“Don’t you worry about anything else,” Tessa said with a voice as tender as ever. “You focus on this and we’ll let everyone else deal with what’s going on outside.”

“Should I go downstairs?” Alec asked.

“If you want,” Charlotte said, focusing on rearranging the blankets and pillows for Izzy’s comfort.

It wasn’t exactly a sterile environment or the safest place for someone to be giving birth. They had cleaned the sheets and towels as best they could but it was no hospital. They couldn’t give her any pain meds or an epidural or anything like that. Sure, people could give birth without all that, many people did, but having the option was nice.

Izzy didn’t have that option at all. In fact, she had no options. She had to give birth in the middle of the apocalypse, in the middle of nowhere, with no doctors or anything around. And now there was a herd approaching. It was a disaster.

“You can go if you want,” Izzy said and she squeezed Alec’s hand reassuringly. He only just managed to feel it because of the fact she had been gripping at it violently for so long.

Then Alec didn’t know what to do at all.

In one room was his sister, giving birth. She needed him because her husband had been killed. She needed his strength and Alec had promised since the day she was born that he would give it to her. They were siblings, closer than many, how could he leave her?

But then, out there, was his boyfriend and his best friend. They were in the face of danger, a walker herd on its way. If one of them got bitten and Alec wasn’t there to stop it or help, just like he was with Simon, then Alec would never forgive himself. How could he leave them?

Both were facing imminent danger. On one side, his sister was about to give birth in a world that no longer had medicine or the correct supplies. On the other side, the undead were coming, possibly fast enough to destroy them all. If they made their way into the house then all of them were doomed, Izzy included and not just because of the labour.

As in the conflict was visible, Tessa knelt beside him and whispered in his ear, “Stay.”

Looking at her and nodding, Alec gave her a quick smile. Then Tessa stood and shut the door, blocking it with a chair underneath the handle. It was a precaution, but Alec still felt anxious.

Another contraction swam through Izzy’s body and she couldn’t help but scream. Her body was weak, she couldn’t control everything she did. But screaming now, when walkers were approaching their doorstep so to say, it wasn’t going to help anything.

Charlotte told her it would be better to grunt again and Izzy apologised, but there really wasn’t much she could do. The contractions were coming fast and painful and if screaming was the way her body could ease the pain, then that was the way it happened. It wouldn’t help them, but how could they make her stop without gagging her? And that was definitely out of the question.

Then a gunshot rang out, splitting the silence that once lay outside. Charlotte cursed and Alec’s heart stopped. What if that was Magnus? He hadn’t seen him since the night and now it was early morning and the dawn had not yet broken. It was dangerous to be out there and Magnus might be trying to fight off enemies he might not even be able to see.

But he couldn’t focus on that. Izzy was here and Sophie was telling her that she needed to start pushing. Apparently something was crowning, Alec cared not for the details. Instead, he focused on holding her hand as she screamed and grunted and called out in pain. She needed him to be there for her, his mind couldn’t be anywhere else.

More gunshots rang out, and then it became an orchestra of groans from the undead, grunting from his sister, and gunshots galore. It was unstoppable, a mess of noise burning its way inside Alec’s mind. He tried to focus on one thing, like his sister, but the sound of gunfire would distract him.

When Sophie was telling Izzy that she had to push harder and Izzy looked like she couldn’t, Alec ignored everything else and tried to give her a word of encouragement. She was sweating, profusely, her face red but at the same time pale. Alec could see that, despite her pregnant belly, she was all skin and bones. It seemed near impossible that she should be able to get through the trials of labour, but here she was, trying.

There was a slam from a door downstairs and Alec could hear the moans of the undead ringing in his ears. Perhaps Magnus had come inside, safe. Alec pretended he knew that was the case, and he carried on telling Izzy that she was doing so well and that, once the head was out it would get easier. He only knew that because Sophie had said it.

Shouts from everyone downstairs made Alec’s heart falter but he shook his head and ignored it. Izzy’s hand gripped onto Alec’s tighter as she screamed a final time and Sophie called out in glee. The head had come out according to Sophie’s word, and she was helping pull the infant out.

Final words of encouragement came from those in the room and Izzy used the last ounce of her strength to rid the baby of her body. Tears were falling from her eyes as she collapsed back onto the bed, all of the effort she had been using gone from her system.

A wave of relief overcame Alec as he realised she was alive and that she wasn’t going to die. The pain relief had been so little during the labour, it was such a feat that she should be immensely proud of. Everything was okay.

But the baby wasn’t crying. It was silent. Alec, still holding Izzy’s hand as she too watched the commotion without being able to help, looked towards Sophie who cut the umbilical cord with a knife. With the help of Charlotte, they wrapped the way too small child in a soft blanket. They massaged its skin, trying to keep it warm or trying to start its heart or do something.

The baby was on the blue side, its body more fragile than Alec thought possible. Every child he had ever seen had been the fattest, chubbiest thing, but not this one. This one was tiny, miniature. Perhaps it would not survive.

Alec cursed the world. If Izzy went through all of this to only have the child die, then Alec would give up all hope he ever had. No longer would Alec care to see the light or life in the world. If Izzy went through all of this and the child did not live, Alec would hate everything and he would fall into a state of darkness that he could never escape.

The child had survived against all odds already and it would have to continue surviving as so. There were no jabs to give the infant, no flu injections or tetanus or anything like that. It would be a tough life, but the child could do it. Alec had to believe that. Life was all impossibilities now, this could just be another one that came true. But it was so silent, despite the gunfire and the groans, it was silent. Every second that passed made Alec want to end everything.

But then it started crying. It was piercing cry, a wail that only the youngest of children could make. Once again, relief washed over Alec and he saw Izzy’s shoulders sink too, relaxing. Hope did remain.

And then Alec remembered the walkers outside. The groans were loud and they were amplified when they heard the infant screaming its lungs out. What could they do now? The baby needed to wail to get air into its lungs, but the more it did that, the more the walkers wanted to get in.

Alec needed to help.

“Stay here. We have to kill them all,” Alec said, standing. He squeezed Izzy’s hand for reassurance before removing the chair from the door and exiting.

Everyone was upstairs. All of the doors were open and Alec could see Magnus by the window in what was their bedroom. He was hunched over it and firing shots out. Thankfully, they had found a lot of guns in an empty camp a little way away from their home, so they had plenty of ammo.

Alec grabbed a gun from their storage box and ran to join Magnus at the window. Below them were hundreds of walkers, banging at the walls and groaning. Their eyes were lifeless but they beat on, craving the flesh of the living.

Every shot counted, Alec had to make sure of that. The dead fell truly dead each time Alec fired his gun. The blast of gunpowder illuminated their home before it disappeared again. His shots tore through the noise before it was consumed by the sound of the dead.

There were rows and rows of them, only thinning out a few at a time. They had to be precise otherwise they would waste their bullets. They did not have time or ammo to spare. They shot and reloaded over and over again, the house ringing out with gunfire.

It seemed like hours of shooting followed and Alec thanked Raziel that they had enough ammo. Every now and again, a few more walkers joined the herd, but it thinned out eventually. The stench of the undead was strong but Alec had long grown accustom to the smell.

It was likely that the gunfire had deafened them slightly over the years but Alec could still hear the undead groaning, yearning to feast. Even though their comrades fell, they faltered not and continued to bang on the walls until their skulls were split by bullets.

When only a few remained, Gabriel, Will, Jem, Cecily, and Clary went outside to deal with them. Magnus sighed and wiped his brow that had become drenched with sweat. He smiled at Alec and placed a hand on his shoulder which Alec kissed lightly.

“How is she?” Magnus asked.

“She gave birth. It survived, started crying and that’s why I came out here.” When Alec left, the sound of the walkers drowned out the baby's cry. He couldn't hear it now but he clung to the hope that everything was okay.

“It?” Magnus asked. “You didn’t catch the sex?”

“No,” Alec said, standing and helping Magnus to his feet too. “Let’s go check now.” He took Magnus’ hand and led him through the house until they settled on Izzy’s room.

Inside, Izzy was sat up with a bundle of blankets that were wrapped around the new-born. She was clearly exhausted, her eyes drooped and arms weak as she tried to support this little life she had created.

Tessa, Sophie, and Charlotte, who looked equally exhausted, were sat down in various chairs. Henry had come back into the room with Gideon as well and everyone looked equal parts exhausted and happy. They had no casualties even after such a thing had happened.

Sophie and Charlotte were carrying the bundle of towels that had been set around Izzy when she was giving birth and they were drenched with blood. Alec wasn’t sure if it was healthy and good to have bled that much but Izzy seemed okay. Parts of her dress were stained with blood too, but she seemed content, so Alec ignored it.

They had cleaned up most of the mess, only a few patches of blood lying here and there. The weird goo as well was in some parts, but Tessa was cleaning those up. Alec didn’t understand all the aspects of the aftermath so he was glad some of them were able to help and clean up. Alec probably would have made the situation worse with his confusion about it all.

Alec and Magnus sat on the edge of the bed next to Izzy who barely noticed anyone was even there. When Alec placed a hand on her shoulder, she jumped but she looked up and smiled after a second of recognition.

“His name is Max,” Izzy said, her voice airier than Alec would have expected. He brushed it off.

“He’s a boy?” Alec asked, looking down at the chubby face that had settled into sleep.

Isabelle nodded.

“Can I hold him?” Alec asked, wondering if she was going to offer him over.

It took a second for Izzy to recognise what Alec had said, but Alec assumed it was because she had just given birth. People went weird after giving birth, right? And she had had to do it without proper pain medication and there was blood staining everything, of course she would be a bit peculiar. Alec brushed it off again.

She nodded and gently handed over the bundle of blankets to Alec. He was fragile and Alec held him as if he would break if someone was a little too rough. The little body was warm and he slept peacefully. He had had an exhausting day after all.

Magnus shuffled closer and put an arm around his waist, leaving it on the small of his back. Since Alec had to keep hold of him with both of his arms, Magnus took the task of gently pulling the blanket out of his face to reveal his rosy cheeks and peaceful eyes.

 _Little Max,_ Alec thought and it was very fitting. He was small compared to everything else in the world. It was an act of remembrance and Alec half-expected her to call him Simon if it was a boy but he was glad she had gone with their brother’s name instead.

“Do you like him?” Izzy asked and Alec was sure there was more concern in her voice than necessary.

Alec looked up and gave her a smile to reassure her. “He’s beautiful, Iz.”

Isabelle nodded with a faint smile, like it was a ghost upon her lips. After he furrowed his brow at her for a moment, Alec turned back to the bundle of life in his arms. Max yawned in his sleep and stretched, his little arms flailing about in a fashion that seemed as though he couldn’t control them. Alec felt his heart warm.

“Isn’t he sweet?” Alec asked Magnus quietly.

“Just gorgeous,” Magnus responded and Alec looked up to him, smiling.

For an odd moment, Alec felt like he and Magnus were fathers looking down over their own child. He felt like a proud father and he shook the thought away. That could never happen.

Once upon a time, Alec thought he would adopt a child with Magnus. He had always loved children and he even felt like he had raised Max himself considering the involvement he had in his life. Because of that, he knew he wanted kids one day himself, and he wanted Magnus to be the father alongside him.

Then the world fell apart and it became an impossible dream.

One by one, people came in and held Little Max, telling Izzy that she should be proud of herself but it didn’t seem to be going in. Her eyes were blurred and she drifted off to sleep before anyone could really say anything to her. She had been exhausted, so people let her sleep.

It had been decided that Izzy was too weak to breastfeed, even if she took the right pills and got her weight up, there was no way she was going to get the right nutrition to feed her baby. So, when Little Max awoke and needed feeding, they gave Alec the bottle that they had prepared and he fed his nephew because Isabelle hadn’t woken up.

He drank a lot. In fact, he finished an entire bottle and a half before he was finished and went to sleep again after being burped, Alec gently bouncing him up and down against his shoulder. Perhaps he hadn’t gotten enough sustenance inside his mother’s stomach, she didn’t really get big enough after all. So, if drinking more than the average amount was going to help him survive, then no one was going to protest. It meant more work but it was necessary.

Life, it wasn’t created anymore. Babies just didn’t happen. Everyone was either over cautious during sex or they died in the process of pregnancy or birth, either the parents or the child. It just didn’t happen. Alec hadn’t seen a baby at all during the apocalypse.

And now here one was and he had come from his sister. He had a nephew, a beautiful, little nephew whom he would adore more than life itself. Alec had never expected to be so happy at the sight of this little life, but he was. He was overjoyed and hopeful. That was the main thing Max brought to his life; hope.

If there was new life, then maybe the world wasn’t so corrupt. New things could still be created and that was what they needed. The world might not be left in a continuous spiral of death and destruction. That was the kind of thing everyone needed to cling to in order to survive as well.

Isabelle didn’t wake up a lot over the next few days. Everyone let her be, they made sure she ate and drank, but other than that, they let her be. Max was well looked after by everyone else in the household, Alec taking the lead for the most part. He didn’t mind because, not only would he do anything for his sister, he would now do anything for his nephew.

When he needed feeding, Alec would do it. When he needed changing, Alec would do it. When he needed soothing from a tough night’s rest, Alec would do it. Usually, Magnus was by his side, and they did truly feel like fathers looking after their new-born son.

Alec adored holding Little Max in his arms, rocking him into an easy sleep, cooing over him like he was brooding. He would stroke his soft cheek and play with his little fingers. When Magnus would swing him about, making him giggle, Alec would fret but Max seemed to enjoy it. Alec just wanted him to be safe and playing with him so freely was not safe. Well, Alec _was_ being over cautious, he knew that but he wanted this buddle of life to be okay and that came with a sense of caution.

Rarely did Izzy hold her own son. When, at first, Alec thought she was going to love this small thing more than anything, he came to realise that she would not for the very reason he thought she would; this was a memory of Simon. He thought Izzy would love him because of that, but it turned out, it was the opposite she felt.

She wouldn’t say anything, but Alec could see it in her eyes when she saw Max being brought into her room. There was emptiness in her gaze, and then it was a look of detest. She hid it well, Charlotte and the others couldn’t see it, but Alec could.

Alec held Max a lot, even when he slept, Alec didn’t want to let him go. He kept thinking, _you’ll find your way through this, you’ll survive. You’ll make us all survive, I know you will._ He held the warm, little body in his arms, swayed him and talked to him. If Izzy couldn’t do it, then Alec would.

A few weeks passed and Alec couldn’t think of a time when Izzy had even fed her own son. She held him occasionally but she didn’t keep him up properly and, after a few minutes, Max would always start crying and Isabelle had no idea how to comfort him. So, because of that, she would hand him off to Alec.

Continuously, Alec would brush it off. She had just given birth in a world where that seemed impossible. She wasn’t at her strongest and she hadn’t been for almost a year. If people expected her to be back on her feet instantly, then they were mad.

Soon enough, Max started to feel like his own though. Because not only did Izzy not return to her normal self after a few weeks, she didn’t return to her normal self a few months later either. In fact, she seemed to fade from the world and it wasn’t only Alec who had seen it.

All of them, excluding Izzy who was still asleep upstairs, were sat in the living room. Alec had Max in his arms, who was soundly asleep. There was fire in the fireplace for they hadn’t moved on from their house and Max’s cheeks were rosy and warm.

Magnus was beside him, looking down at Max with something like pride as he kept an arm around Alec’s waist. When Max yawned, the two of them smiled, unable to stop themselves. This little thing was alive, maybe his mother wasn’t able to see it but they could and they loved him.

Outside, the stench of the dead was still prominent because they could only burn a few of the bodies a day for fear of burning the woods down around them. They had been cleaned up quite a bit, but there were a fair few dozen laying outside, surrounding the building, and their blood and guts were more difficult to get rid of considering they blended with the dirt beneath them.

They would get to it eventually, if they decided to stay there. They couldn’t exactly move on with Max being so young and small. He needed warmth and security and out there, there was none of that. When he was a year old, maybe they would move on. It was tough because the house was not fit for so many people to live inside it, but they would deal with it. All of them would deal with anything if it mean keeping the baby safe.

“She has postpartum depression,” Charlotte said. “And it’s difficult to deal with. Before, there were counsellors and antidepressants. That’s not the case right now.”

“What are you saying?” Jace asked.

“I don’t know what to do, none of us do. We want to help, it’s just, how do we help?” Charlotte seemed defeated.

“This feels like you’re saying goodbye,” Clary said, anxious.

“No, no, nothing like that,” Charlotte said and she ran her hand through her recently cut her. “We want to be here for you all and for Max, but we need to do something about Isabelle.”

Alec looked down at Max as they all spoke. They had some antidepressants but not nearly enough, not enough to keep her safe and to make her feel better. None of them were exactly counsellors either, so what was it that they could do?

Isolating her wasn’t going to help so they decided that someone should be with her at all times. Sometimes they would bring Max in with them, but most of the time they wouldn’t. Since mothers with postpartum depression had trouble bonding with their children, they didn’t know if having Max in the same room as her was a good idea.

When people were in the room with her, she didn’t talk much. She slept most of the time or stared out of the window with blank eyes. It was as though she was withdrawing from the world and Alec wanted to do everything within his power to help her, but what was there to do?

Alec was sat with her, Max in his own arms because he didn’t think she looked ready to hold her own son just yet. She was looking out of the window, staring at the trees that had lost all of their leaves. Alec looked at her, trying to focus and read what she was thinking. It had gotten much harder recently.

“Alec,” Izzy said out of the blue, her voice quiet and distant. “Am I a bad mother?”

“Why would you ask that?”

“I get these bad thoughts sometimes,” Isabelle began, not looking at Alec and not sounding like herself. “And I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t help it. I know he’s my son, but I think about… I don’t know, I don’t think he belongs in this world, maybe we should take him out of it.”

“He’s fine, Izzy,” Alec assured her, trying to smile but his own fears about her mental state were overwhelming him. “He can do it, just like the rest of us.”

“He’s too small for this world.”

“No, he’s not, he’s okay.”

“He’s not. Look at him, he should go away.”

“You want me to take him away?” Alec stood up. “We can go, you should sleep some more.”

“No, no. He needs to be gone,” Izzy said and Alec could barely recognise her. She was his own sister and Alec didn’t know her at all.

“We’ll go, don’t worry,” Alec said and he left the room, clinging Max to his chest as he looked up at Alec with bright and wide eyes.

Jem was outside and he gave Alec a small smile before he could see something was wrong. “You okay, Alec?”

“She wants to hurt her own son,” Alec said with a sigh. “I don’t know what to say or do.”

“It’s not her,” Jem reassured as they made their way to Alec’s bedroom to put Max down to bed in his crib. “It’s the sickness that she has.”

“I know,” Alec said. “But what is there to do to cure her? We keep trying and nothing works. Even though we’re in there with her all the time, she’s not getting better. She hasn’t even held her son, Jem.”

“I know.”

Alec put Max inside the crib and wrapped him tighter in his blankets. The end of winter was coming but the nights were colder than ever. Alec was glad they had one of the rooms with a fireplace because Max needed the warmth considering he was still on the thin side.

Max smiled up at Alec, stretching his little arms out and making grabby hands. With Alec’s heart warming, Alec reached one of his own hands down and took one of Max’s, playing with it gently to hear him giggle. His fingers were soft, not at all strong. Alec squeezed Little Max’s hand and Max giggled again.

“She barely recognises her own son,” Alec said, watching Max who had a gummy smile set on his lips.

“I know, it’s tough, but our lives our tough,” Jem answered. “We just need to keep going.”

“Isn’t that all we do now?”

“Yes.”

“What do we do to help her?” Alec asked, turning to Jem who was watching with soft eyes.

“We look after her,” Jem said and he rested his hand on Alec’s shoulder.

That night, with the fire gently crackling, Alec did not sleep well. Jace and Clary had taken to sleeping in the front room so they had the bedroom to themselves. Everyone had started talking about separating rooms to create more bedrooms for people as if this had become their long term plan.

Alec knew that this place wouldn’t last. Nothing did, least of all the little houses in the middle of the woods, but he didn’t say anything. Max wouldn’t last outside and now Alec knew Isabelle wouldn’t last either.

Magnus lay awake with him, trying to soothe him to sleep but it wouldn’t work. His mind was working too fast and he wasn’t coming to any solutions. Everything he wanted, everything he had hoped for, it was all crumbling to pieces with every second that passed.

So few things were going well. He still had Magnus and their relationship was growing even stronger because they had Max to take care of. Jace and Clary were still very dear to him, but he felt distant to them for some reason, as if Isabelle was creating a barrier between them. His other friends were going strong too but, with every day that went by, Alec could see them growing restless.

It was as though Alec’s world was crumbling around him. He had so few things that were stable, so few things that seemed as though they would last. No matter how hard he tried, he didn’t know if he was going to get through it. He didn’t know what was going to happen. His sister had changed beyond belief and Alec didn’t know if she would ever be coming back.

Couldn’t things go right just for once?

 


	17. Treat Everything Like It Was The Last Time

> “Why didn't I learn to treat everything like it was the last time. My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future.”   
>  ― Jonathan Safran Foer, _Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close_

_Magnus_

A year passed. No one really knew the exact length of time because no one kept count, but a spring, a summer, an autumn, and a winter passed since Little Max was born. Isabelle did not improve and Magnus truly felt like Max was his own child, but that didn’t really matter.

About six months after Little Max was born, a successful run brought about the knowledge of an abandoned lot of log cabins and they all decided to move over there. Since it was summer Max could be moved with ease. It was quite a hefty move considering they had to carry all the baby equipment as well as their own supplies, but they managed.

The four log cabins were in an okay condition, some of the windows were smashed through and most of the furniture was broken, but it was better than all of them being kept up in a three bedroom house. Magnus, Alec, Max, and Isabelle took one cabin, Jace, Clary, Will, Tessa, and Jem took another. The final two cabins were given to Charlotte and Henry, and Gideon, Sophie, Gabriel, and Cecily. It worked out well.

Each cabin had a toilet, two bedrooms, a front room, and a kitchen. There was no running water of course, but they could take baths when they needed to, heating the water on the fireplace. Convenience was something they had long forgotten, but hot baths were worth the wait.

Over the months, they had run out of razors and all of the men had become bearded messes, except for Magnus and Jem. Magnus’ facial was as patchy as ever, and Jem just didn’t grow facial hair at all, it was wispy as anything. Other than those two and the women, everyone had full on beards. Magnus loved Alec’s facial hair still, Alec did not.

When they washed in the baths, they usually had to share with their partners. It was not something anyone complained about, it was an intimate act and they could get clean as well which was wonderful. Magnus and Alec might have had sex but Magnus was still growing accustom to being okay with his nudity with another person, finally only just being able to block out Camille, so there was no sex.

They also had to do the parent bathing with the child thing, Max set between them as they got him as clean alongside them. It usually evolved into a lot of splashing, Max playing with a little, yellow duck Will and Jace had found, practically cowering in front of it for a reason no one could explain.

Even though they finally had their own spaces, they spent a lot of time in the same cabin which was Magnus and Alec’s because of darling Little Max. He had started crawling around quite early in his months, so he now had to be watched all of the time. He had gotten chubbier too which was good news because babies who were too thin did not bode well for survival.

He had become quite heavy but Magnus didn’t mind carrying him around. He was a sweet child that had yet to learn to walk or talk, but nobody minded. Every now and again, he would mumble something that sounded a bit like a word and they waited on tenterhooks as if he would finally start talking. Then he would giggle at himself and continuing playing with one of the thousands of sets of toys or his favourite floppy bear they had found for him, oblivious to everyone’s excitement.

Isabelle was more distant from him than ever. They didn’t have the pills she needed and no one could get through to her. She spent most of her time in her room and everybody had to bring food to her or she wouldn’t eat. Magnus felt bad for her, to have postpartum depression in a world that couldn’t help, it was no easy feat. Her son would grow up and she wouldn’t be able to take part in it.

No one knew if she was going to be able to get out of it. No one had much knowledge on the depression at all. Was it something she could overcome naturally when Max was older? Was it something that she could just snap out of? Not a single one of them knew, so what could they do to help?

They wanted to bring her out, wanted to make her a part of their group and their family. But she isolated herself from everyone else. She locked her door and would only open it on certain days when she was in a good mood. The Isabelle Magnus once knew was long gone and he missed her confident and beautiful self but there was nothing to be done.

The clouds were minimal as summer came about with parts of bright blue breaking them up. The sun peered through every now and again, lighting up the sky and their little cabin. The air was warm, fresh with thriving life.

Magnus was sat next to Alec with Max on his lap who was babbling away in a language of his own. He was playing with the buttons on Magnus’ shirt with such an intrigue that Magnus almost found it comical. His blue eyes were wide and bright, Magnus adored him as if he was his own, and he practically was.

Sophie was cooking them all breakfast in their fireplace, it was something with rabbit, and Charlotte was preparing Max’s bottle. They had started weaning him off milk but every now and again, they let him have some more because they didn’t always have the correct baby food.

Thankfully, there was a shopping centre that they took day trips to and they were in need of going over there again sometime soon. But, other than that, they were surviving well. Little Max seemed happy and everyone else did too.

“Max seems to have dribbled on your shirt,” Alec commented and Magnus looked down to see that that had indeed happened because he was staring in such awe of Magnus’ very normal looking buttons.

“Aren’t babies just the cutest?” Magnus joked as he took a cloth and wiped away the dribble before tickling Max who giggled profusely.

When Magnus finished, Max collapsed, exhausted, into his chest and gripped at his shirt. With one hand, Magnus hugged him back and pressed a kiss to the top of his black hair. He felt so much like his father sometimes that he forgot Isabelle was his mother.

Charlotte came over and handed him the warmish bottle of milk and Magnus took it with a word of thanks.

“Hungry, Maxie?” Magnus asked and Max sat up straight, excited by the idea of food. He took the bottle himself and started sucking quickly.

It was at times like these when the fire was going and Max was happy that Magnus forgot the world outside was the way it was. When everything was like this, happy and peaceful, Magnus almost felt as though Max would have a normal life. Perhaps Little Max would grow up and play soccer on the lawn and he’d do the volcano science project and he’ll get nervous around his crush in junior’s school.

Sometimes Magnus thought that Max would come home from school and tell him about the school bully and Magnus would tell him how to stand up for himself and how he had to be proud of himself. Magnus thought that Little Max would have his favourite book and Magnus and Alec would take turns reading him to sleep and they would have movie nights and family dinners where the grandparents didn’t understand a thing.

But then Magnus remembered that he would not live a normal life.

Instead of all that, Little Max would have no first crush in school and there would be no science project and he would have no favourite book and he wouldn’t ever see a film. There would be no soccer on the lawn. He would have none of that.

Max would have to learn how to defend himself against the undead the second he could hold a knife instead of going to school. Max would have to learn how to ration instead of being read to at night. Max would not get his exercise from team sports but from running away from the dead and building impromptu shelters for the night. Little Max would not get a normal childhood and Magnus hated thinking about that.

Magnus gently scratched at Max’s hair and Little Max beamed up at him through the bottle in his mouth, his eyes twinkling. Smiling, Magnus tried not to think about the life that Max had ahead of him. He focused on the now because the future was an uncertainty.

Max finished his bottle and blinked furiously at it. He still didn’t understand the concept of finishing food but hey, everyone got disappointed by that at least once in their life, right?

Turning his blue eyes to Magnus again, he offered the bottle. “Papa,” He said.

It was his first word. Sure, he had mumbled incoherently and sometimes they sounded like words, but this was his first word that he had said that had meaning, that made it seem as though he understood what it meant and who Magnus was.

For a moment, Magnus felt prouder than anything. Little Max had recognised him as the person who gave him food and took care of him. He smiled at him and took the bottle before he realised what the issue was, mainly that was because Alec and the other inhabitants of the room were looking with whitened faces.

“Ah,” Magnus said once he realised.

“Papa,” Max said again and Magnus felt guilt rise up in him as well as an awkwardness he couldn’t explain.

There was no way for Magnus to explain to the baby that Magnus was not his father and that his mother was asleep in the next room but could not love him right now because she was suffering from postnatal depression. Not only would Max not understand any of those words, but it almost felt cruel to do that.

“What do we do about this?” Magnus asked the room, looking at Alec mainly who grimaced when Max said ‘Papa’ yet again, a giggle of achievement following.

“Is it such a problem?” Jem asked, coming to sit in one of the chairs.

“He isn’t our biological son,” Alec said and Magnus could tell he was uncomfortable with it considering he was his sister’s son. “And his mother is in the next room.”

“It sounds cruel, I know, but she hasn’t even held him in the last, what seven months?” Charlotte offered. “And the only reason she held him then was because everyone else had to carry something. She barely recognised that she had had him. You two, being his uncles, might be better suited. Would it be so wrong to be his fathers?”

“What if Isabelle gets better?” Cecily asked. “What if she snaps out of it one day to find that her brother and his boyfriend have taken on her son as if she didn’t exist?”

“That’s not what we’d be doing,” Magnus said, almost offended.

“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that,” Cecily corrected. “I meant that, what if that’s the way _she_ sees it?”

“We can’t consult her on it,” Alec said, seeming to come around to the idea.

Whilst they were all chatting, Little Max was still chanting ‘Papa’ happily without a care in the world. He had no idea that Magnus and Alec were not his biological fathers. He had no idea that his mother was suffering in the next room and it was his own fault to some extent. He was just a child, how could he know? How could they possibly explain it?

“But what happens if she gets better?” Cecily asked again.

Magnus noticed how it wasn’t a ‘when’ she got better, but an ‘if’ because they still didn’t know what to do. It was as though she was this problem surrounding them, not even this person anymore. It made Magnus feel sick, but it _was_ a problem. She had faded from the world but her body still existed.

“Then we explain what happened,” Jem said, ever calm amongst the storm. “I’m sure she would understand.”

“But what would happen after?” Gabriel asked.

“What do you mean?” Jem looked at him with such a serenity, Magnus didn’t understand it. How he was always so relaxed, Magnus didn’t know but he wanted to learn his secret.

“If she comes out of it and wants to be his mother again, what then?” Gabriel clarified.

“We deal with that when it comes to it,” Magnus said, not understanding why everyone was thinking about the future so much. They never did that. “There’s no point in worry about something that might not even happen.”

At those words, he saw Alec flinch. Magnus deflated. Amongst everything, Magnus sometimes forgot that this was still his sister, that she was still a person that could talk and be involved in things. When a person seemed so absent, you sort of forgot about their humanity, even if that was a sick thing to do.

Even so, Max did become their son. Or, at least, he was considered to be their son now. There hadn’t been an adjustment period at all because Max already felt like their own but it felt more official all of a sudden.

Little Max already slept in their room, Magnus and Alec were already the main people to feed him, and they were the main two to play with him and teach him new things. Over the next few days, he started to use more words. There weren’t any fully formed phrases, but he called Magnus ‘Papa’ and Alec ‘Dada’ and he used ‘bottle’ for milk, and ‘cuddles’ for, well, cuddles.

That was about it but Magnus and Alec felt proud of their son’s achievements. Of course, Isabelle had not been there to see any of it, but everyone almost forgot that Isabelle was his biological mother which was bad, but what could be done about it?

And Max was such a sweetheart and he loved his fathers so much. He constantly wanted to be in their arms, constantly pulling at their shirts in a loving manner. When he was crawling around, he would go straight to his fathers and giggle when they picked him up and swung him in the air. He always brought his favourite toys to them, especially his favourite teddy bear for them to hold as he played with something else. He was purely adorable.

Although it was selfish of him, and incredibly horrible, Magnus almost didn’t want Isabelle to get better. He didn’t tell anyone that, not even Alec because it made him sick to just think about it, but it was the truth.

With Little Max, Magnus and Alec were closer. Magnus could tell Alec was still worried sick about Isabelle and he went in her room at every available opportunity clinging to the hope that she would get better, but he was still overjoyed with this next step in their relationship. Adoption had been a topic they had discussed once or twice and Magnus had always wanted children, especially with Alec, and now here they were.

When they settled him to sleep, Magnus could pretend they were a domestic couple at the end of a long day at work, not that they had been spending all day hoping that a herd wouldn’t work its way through after they saw a walker or two pass by. Sometimes they would have to go out and kill them if they got too interested in the cabins, but they tried to ignore them. Both of them would watch as Max fell asleep into a better world with gentle smiles on their lips and warmth in their hearts, hoping to forget the real world.

Then, when they themselves went to sleep, Magnus would hug Alec into his chest and they would breathe as one. Their bodies would be warm and they would fit together like jigsaw pieces. For once, Magnus would feel serenity again, as if everything was falling into place and everything was great. He had his friends, he had his boyfriend, and now he had his son. Everything felt wonderful.

Of course, that didn’t last.

About two weeks later, Magnus had woken up to the smell of smoke. Everyone had had a late night the night before, reminiscing about their lives and funny anecdotes from friends that were no longer with them. Max had fallen asleep against Magnus’ chest and he kept an arm around him, feeling at peace once again.

So, when the smoke filled his nose, Magnus thought Sophie was cooking them all bacon and eggs because they were sure to all be tired. Thankful that they had Sophie, Magnus sat up to see Alec still sleeping next to him. Gently so as to not rouse him, Magnus kissed his cheek and padded through to the front room after dressing in jeans and light shirt.

Sophie was not in the front room and the fire was not lit, so Magnus was confused. _Maybe she’s cooking from her own cabin,_ Magnus thought as he saw the open window, _I’d love some bacon right now._

The rest of their cabin was messy from where everyone had left it before but Magnus didn’t mind. Having to clean meant having something to do. One of Max’s bottles was left on the table and Magnus went to go and fill it with a formula they had found a few days back.

Magnus yawned and couldn’t believe how relaxed he felt as he refilled his son’s bottle. They had a home, a sustainable home with a family. Never had he expected such a thing when the apocalypse began and he was more than relieved and overjoyed that it had happened anyway.

A waft a wind brought the smell of smoke to Magnus’ nose again. It smelt odd but Magnus couldn’t quite put his finger on it. It was thicker than the smell of cooking meat and it had a muggy feel to it. So, taking the bottle with him, he went to check the window.

The air was thick towards the window and Magnus could feel his eyes stinging slightly but he put that down to something else, his tiredness perhaps. Coughing, Magnus rubbed his eyes as continued towards the broken window.

As he went, he realised how idle he had been. There was no bacon anymore, not for them. How on earth would she be cooking bacon if they hadn’t seen a pig in years? _What the hell am I thinking?_ Magnus asked himself just as he reached the window, shaking his head in a mocking manner.

Then he wondered why he was smelling smoke. Maybe she was still cooking something, perhaps she was cooking the three rabbits Alec had brought home yesterday. Magnus clung to that as he saw how very wrong he was to think such a thing, his lungs beginning to burn.

Coming from the trees just a little way away from their cabins, was smoke. Thick, black smoke rising steadily from the trees and the upcoming heat of the fire was settling upon his skin. Forest fires had not been something Magnus was worried about considering the dead were rising up. Why were forest fires still a thing?

After freezing in panic for a good few seconds that felt more like minutes, Magnus ran back through the cabin. The mess from the night before did not help and Magnus tripped over a set of Max’s toys and his body smacked into the wooden flooring, spilling the bottle in his hand. Pain seared through his wrists, a sharp shooting throb that felt like it splintered the bones, but he got up all the same.

He pummelled through the bedroom door and picked up Max carefully because having him awake would help no one. Luckily, he was a heavy sleeper and did not even stir. Then Magnus went to Alec’s side and roused him as speedily as he could with his free hand.

“What?” Alec asked, turning over and immersing his face in the pillow. His usually early-waking ways had somewhat disappeared and Magnus cursed.

“Alec, _darling,”_ Magnus said through gritted teeth, not wanting to yell so he wouldn’t wake Max. “We have to go. There’s a fire.”

“Just put it out.”

“A forest fire.”

Alec sat up straight. “What?”

“There’s a forest fire, we have to go. Now. Get Isabelle, I’ll pack some shit and then we’ll get to the others,” Magnus hurried out, going about the room and picking up a rucksack as he spoke. Leaving the room, he caught Alec dressing as quickly as he could.

The smell of smoke was coming in strong, its burnt smell stinging Magnus’ nose. Magnus could make out the distinct crack of fire as it burnt through the trees, making them lose their stability as it ate through everything in its path. The inside of their cabin was starting to fog up but Magnus pushed passed that.

He took as much as he could, moving as quickly as possible without waking Little Max. Grabbing blankets, food, baby food and formula, and water, Magnus tried to shove as much as he could into that rucksack.

Alec came out then with a dazed and tired looking Isabelle. He was guiding her arm and she still looked half-asleep, but at least she was up. She didn’t smile when she saw Magnus and, even though all she did was sleep, she had heavy and dark circles under her eyes. Her long hair was matted and messy and her clothes were rumpled, but she was awake. That was what Magnus had to focus on.

When she saw Max she sort of looked through him and Magnus, subconsciously, held him closer to his chest. Why he felt like he needed to protect Max, Magnus wasn’t entirely sure. Those with postpartum depression had thoughts of hurting their children, but did they ever go through with it? Magnus didn’t know but he couldn’t think about it right then because smoke was filling the cabin in heavy wafts.

It was drying his eyes out so he knew they had to get going, his breathing getting heavy. Alec grabbed some matches and a water filter, and nodded to Magnus so they could get going. Magnus took one last look around at the safety they once had, at a place he was going to call home, and with a heavy heart, he started to leave.

Then he remembered he needed shoes but there wasn’t any time to put any on, the cracking of fire sounding from just above their heads. A tree fell and Magnus could hear it smack onto the roof, shaking it as embers fell. In a rush, Magnus grabbed his trainers, seeing Max’s favourite teddy there too and picking it up before he ran out to see Alec, Isabelle, Clary, Jace, Jem, and Tessa waiting for him.

A wave of relief came over him to see that the others were safe and, after he left, he went to go and get Sophie and the others but the cabins behind them had been engulfed by flame. His heart sank again, but his arm was tugged by Alec and he did not have time to wait.

They moved on, the flames spreading quickly behind them. The summer weather had dried everything up so it ate the wood with ease. On the back of his neck, Magnus could feel the heat of the flame licking at his skin, making him sweat. He hugged Max tightly into his chest and hoped to Raziel that they would make it out of this alive.

The smoke engulfed them all, making their lungs ache and fill with the toxic substance. It burnt, Magnus’ throat dry and scratchy. He coughed, a nausea set in his stomach as he struggled to breathe properly. Ignoring the scratches and stabs on the bottoms of his bare feet, he ran on and on.

It cracked behind them, the sound of trees smashing into the ground rang through Magnus’ ears. He tried not to focus on the rush of heat that came with a falling tree or the black smoke surrounding them, all he wanted to see was his friends and his family in front of him and beside him, guiding him through the disaster that was surrounding them. Hoping desperately that they didn’t bump into walkers on their way through, Magnus tried to keep his focus purely on his feet getting him out of the catastrophe that was following him.

Embers flew at them and Magnus could feel the heat upon his skin. His dry eyes burnt and he had to pull a blanket over Max to keep him safe, to stop him from inhaling the smoke too. He covered his mouth and nose but he couldn’t do much to stop it filling him up.

Hearing the others cough and sputter around him, Magnus held Max even tighter to his body, daring the world to hurt him in any way for Magnus would unleash a wrath of enormous size if anything happened to him. The fire was burning the world around him but it dare not hurt Max.

Smoke eventually covered them, obscuring everything even the sky above but Magnus could make out the shapes of his loved ones through the stinging of his eyes. If they disappeared momentarily, Magnus would speed up until they were in view again. Somehow, Little Max did not stir even though Magnus’ running was not stable, but he was glad Max was such a heavy sleeper.

They got out of the line of trees and ran a distance away until they could watch the fire from a safe distance. Little Max was asleep soundly on his chest as Magnus held him close, he had no idea about the destruction that had just happened. He had no idea about the life they had left behind.

And they didn’t know where the others were; Will, Cecily, Gabriel, Charlotte, Gideon, Sophie, and Henry had not emerged from the fire. Tessa had told them, as they watched the fire engulf all that had been green a mere moment ago, that Will was not in bed when she woke up and Jem said he had not seen Will get up either. The others were nowhere to be found.

Desperately, Magnus hoped they had gotten out, that they were somewhere safe, watching the fire from a distance. Magnus kept it in his mind that they would meet again. Once they fire had burnt out, they would meet somehow. The world could still be good, right?

The fire didn’t calm down though. Eventually, everyone got tired and they sat down, watching the fire burn. Magnus nursed his bloody and bruised feet and put his trainers on, though that was an entire task in itself which took about half an hour.

The walkers seemed attracted to the fire, its burning heat and monstrous noise intriguing them and they walked into it, burning themselves as they did. Magnus wasn’t sure if it killed them because it didn’t destroy their heads, just all of their weak and stringy skin. None of them walked out again however, so Magnus hoped that they died in the fire. There was no part of Magnus that wanted to deal with walkers that were ablaze, especially with Max.

He woke up when the fire was burning hot enough for them to feel it even from their distance. His little eyes were full of sleep and he blinked slowly at the change of scenery. After he smiled up at Magnus, he made grabby hands towards Alec who picked him up with ease after a quick glance at Isabelle who was sitting a little way away from them all, staring into the depths of the fire with half-lidded eyes. Max grabbed his teddy bear and hugged it, curling up in Alec’s lap and Magnus was glad he had grabbed it before he left. Max deserved that, deserved that good in all the evil that they lived in.

Watching his boyfriend and his son, Magnus tried not to take notice of the fire that was consuming everything in its path. Back in New York, these things didn’t happen. There weren’t exactly forests amongst the City and any fires that did happen were put out quickly.

Of course, he had heard of forest fires that destroyed more than seemed possible. If they didn’t burn themselves out, the brigades did everything within their power to help and they never took many lives. Now, it would seem as though it could take thousands because there was no one around to put it out. Well, there weren’t many lives to take, but that wasn’t the point.

“Do we have anything for him to eat?” Alec asked Magnus as he brushed hair across Max’s forehead.

Magnus pulled up the bag so it sat in his lap and began rooting through it until he found a small jar of baby food for Max. Max, who preferred everything liquid, did not take to it kindly but there was nothing else to have which meant Alec had to resort to the plane method to get it into his son’s mouth.

Every time Alec pretended the little plastic spoon was an aeroplane, Max giggled profusely until he opened his mouth and ate. Magnus watched him with absolute warmth in his heart. Sure, it could have been because of the all-consuming fire that lay in front of them, but it was more likely because of the love Magnus had for Alec.

“You look like such a dad,” Magnus said, hoping to gain some normality in their current situation and trying his best to not think about if the others were alive.

Alec chuckled lightly. “I feel like a dad.”

He glanced over at Isabelle but she heard nothing. She was barely involved in life anymore, barely present. Anything to do with Max, she would not pay attention to it. She didn’t even know who Max was.

In an attempt to make Alec forget about Isabelle and bring his attention back to the now and back to Max, Magnus brushed the hair out of his eyes. 

“You look very handsome today, my love,” Magnus said, wanting to forget the world.

“I look like a caveman,” Alec said, feeding Max again who giggled and rocked in Alec’s lap. “I didn’t realise you had a caveman kink.”

Magnus snorted. “I don’t.”

“Yeah, I’m not so sure,” Alec said. “You’re the one who keeps saying you love it when I look rugged. I think you do, Magnus.”

“I can’t believe you’d talk about such things in front of our son,” Magnus said. “So rude.”

“He can’t understand anything,” Alec said, pressing a finger to Max’s nose quickly, making him burst out into a fit of giggles.

“Not true,” Magnus said, picking Max up and bringing him into his own lap. “Max, who’s Papa?”

Max used his chubby little hand to point up at Magnus before giggling again.

“Look at that,” Magnus said. “You’ve scarred him for life, talking about kinks. How terrible, I can’t believe you.”

Alec pushed Magnus’ shoulder playfully.

“Are you endangering Max’s life now?” Magnus said through mock shock. “Wow, you’re a changed man, Alexander Lightwood.”

Alec went to say something but a crack of wood snapping in half brought their attention back to the fire before them. A burst of embers rose up like fireflies and smoke rose higher. Even Max turned his head to look at the sound.

“What’s that, Papa?” Max asked, seeing it properly for the first time.

“That’s fire,” Magnus said. “It’s very hot and very scary.”

Reacting to Magnus’ words, Max sat himself back in Magnus’ lap, pressing his miniature back against Magnus’ chest and hugging his bear tight, scared now. Being the protective and loving father that he was, Magnus wrapped an arm around him and kept his warm little body close.

“Don’t worry, Maxie, I’m here,” Magnus soothed. “I won’t let anything bad happen to you, I promise.”

Alec shuffled himself closer after a moment passed and rested his head against Magnus’ shoulder. Together, they all sat watching the fire as it burnt and destroyed all in its path. To get through it, Magnus pretended they were all camping and that they were sat a little too close to the campfire. It was absurd and Magnus knew that, but it was the only way to cope.

Night time fell before the fire even seemed close to burning out. It became a beacon against the ever black sky and more and more walkers poured in like bugs to those zapper lights. Magnus was glad for that because it meant they didn’t come up and bother them but he didn’t want Max to watch, he didn’t want Max to see the horrors of the world yet.

Thankfully, a few hours after Max had first set his eyes on the fire, he fell asleep anyway. Magnus didn’t understand how he needed so much sleep but he didn’t question it because it meant it was easier for them all. Dealing with an upset or over excited or tired baby was not going to help them.

Tucking him into the nook of his arm, Magnus gently rocked him to keep him calm and asleep. He hadn’t even noticed that Alec had also fallen asleep on his shoulder. The night air was cool but not cold and they weren’t wearing the right clothing for such a night, but Tessa came over and draped a blanket over them all, which Magnus thanked her greatly for.

“If you want to sleep, that’s fine,” Tessa said quietly. “Jace, Clary, and Isabelle already are. Jem and I are going to stay awake to see if Charlotte and the others come out anywhere.”

“Are you sure?” Magnus asked, whispering.

“Yeah, we couldn’t sleep if we tried. Knowing they’re out there, somewhere, we won’t sleep until we know where they are.” She gave Magnus a gentle smile and then she walked off to sit behind Jem who automatically put his arm around her.

No matter how hard he tried, Magnus could not sleep. Not only was he in the wrong position for such, but his mind was on other things. Yet again, they had lost something that looked like it was going to last. For what felt like the millionth time, Magnus had gotten his hopes up and they had been dashed. Why couldn’t he learn to keep his hopes at a normal level? It seemed stupid at this point. He should treat everything like it was the last time it would work out, when was he going to realise that?

Every time they got something good, Magnus believed it would last. Then, out of the blue, it was snatched away from him. Sometimes it was their own fault but at times like this, it was faultless and it made Magnus hate the world even more, which is surprising considering how much he already hated it.

He did manage to get a few winks here and there, but it wasn’t all that substantial. Some sleep was better than no sleep, so he was thankful that Tessa had taken on the duty of staying awake and making sure they were safe. If it weren’t for her and Jem, Magnus would have never slept out in the open like they were. That was always too risky, but with someone watching, it wasn’t so bad.

When Magnus awoke from about a half an hour long nap, the sun had risen to an early morning level. In front of him, the fire had burnt itself out, leaving that oaky scent of smoke in the air, leaving it heavy and thick. A white smoke covered most of the land but it was not as dense as it had been when Magnus had fallen asleep, which was something.

A gust of wind cleared the smoke somewhat to reveal the aftermath. Greenery no longer played a part in this forest. The tree stumps were blackened and much thinner than Magnus remembered. Many of the trunks had fallen over and littered the soil that was thick with a silvered ash that rose and fell at even the hint of wind.

Nothing was brown, nothing was green, nothing seemed full of life. Magnus could also make out the burnt bones of the undead that had walked into the fire and never walked again. They too were blackened and thin, a pile of lifelessness. Oddly, Magnus felt pity but he pushed it away the very instant it arose.

A shuffling at his side made it clear Alec was stirring awake too. Once he had sat up straight and stretched his neck, he saw the fire’s destruction and he seemed to still completely. Magnus looked at him and saw the fear and pain in his eyes as he sighed.

“That doesn’t look very hopeful, does it?” Alec asked, not looking at Magnus.

“No,” Magnus answered, glancing down to Max who was still sleeping steadily. His cheeks were not as rosy as normal so Magnus wrapped his blanket around him tighter, still trying not to wake him. “None of the others came out.”

“That doesn’t mean they’re dead,” Alec said, but he didn’t exactly sound confident.

“No, but who knows if we’re going to be able to find them.” Magnus didn’t really know where this defeatist attitude was coming from, but sometimes he couldn’t help it.

Alec looked at him then, his brow furrowed. “We might.”

“Yeah, we might,” Magnus reiterated. “We might not as well.”

Alec went to speak but looked down to Magnus’ arms and saw Little Max who began to stir. Also watching him now, Magnus saw him as he opened his blue eyes and blinked up at his fathers with glee. Forgetting their conversation was even happening, Magnus brushed his thumb against his soft cheek.

“We should go in and look for them,” Magnus said, loud enough for the others to hear too.

“In there?” Jace asked. “Isn’t it dangerous?”

“The fire’s already happened,” Magnus said. “What’s so dangerous about some ash?”

“We’d have to retrace our steps,” Tessa said, standing. She was clearly up for the plan. “But we could do it.”

Jem too stood. “Shall we go now? Or are people hungry?”

No one really seemed like they could eat, so they all stood and started walking into the midst of the destruction. Their footsteps left prints like they were walking on snow and they had to ignore the grey that stained their shoes as they walked, knowing it would be near impossible to clean off.

They had to manoeuvre around broken tree stumps and fallen trunks carefully. Accidentally, Clary stepped on one and it crumbled beneath her feet, sending up a wave of black and white ash that covered her clothing and made her sputter painfully as she inhaled. Little Max asked what the ash was but no one could explain it very well.

Since they had never ventured very far away from their cabins in the direction they had run, they didn’t know exactly where they were. They took a lot of guesses and made a few assumptions but trees they would have once recognised didn’t even look like trees. They looked like blackened silhouettes of some devilish nightmare, standing upright against the thick ash.

Then Jem saw what looked like a door or the remnants of a door, slumped against what could have been logs before they were burnt as so. Amongst it were the burnt remains of what could have been furniture and something that looked like a bed. It wasn’t much, but they could just make out what might have been four log cabins.

Amongst them were trees and they were littered in a layer of ash, but they were distinguishable. Just. Magnus kicked around a bit of ash to find a burnt can of food, still warm to the touch and he sighed. At least they got out, that was the main thing.

But there was no sign of the others. There were no bones on the floor, either of walker’s disposition or of a human’s, so that seemed to bode well. But there were no footprints, no signs, no nothing to signal that they had been here or that they had gotten out or which direction they would have gone in.

Magnus looked around to see Jem and Tessa in a state of despair. Of course, Magnus could understand why they looked so defeated and heart-broken. Many a time, Magnus and the others had lost friends or family or just people they knew, and not knowing if they were alive or if they got out was the hardest thing. They could be out there, they could be alive, but how could they possibly find them now?

“It looks like they got out,” Magnus offered in an attempt to comfort them.

Jem gave him a smile. “It does. But where? I guess we might never know.”

“We can’t give up hope yet,” Jace said, being so much more serious than Magnus was all that accustomed to.

“No, but what do you suppose we do next?” Tessa asked and her voice wavered. Magnus could hear the pain in it and it made his heart ache.

He glanced over at Isabelle who was looking at the base of a thick tree, staring at it as if it was going to move and do something interesting. It was as black as her hair and her eyes were unmoving even as everyone else spoke. He coveted to know what was going through her mind but he couldn’t have guessed no matter how hard he tried.

“I don’t know,” Jace said, sounding defeated all of a sudden.

“Exactly.” Tessa shrugged. “I think we’ve lost them.”

Coming to stand by her side, Jem put an arm around her shoulder and squeezed her arm. Tessa released a shaky breath and Jem pulled her closer into his body, being the rock she needed him to be. Magnus could see, however, how broken he was himself. His eyes were dull with distress and he did not stand as confidently.

Max called out ‘Dada’ and Alec came over to take him from Magnus. Little Max didn’t understand his surroundings at all, but he wasn’t alone in that. The others, even though they understood the fire, did not understand much else. Everything seemed so endless, so hopeless.

He made some gurgling sounds that no one understood, so Magnus put some formula in a bottle for him and let him drink so the rest of them could discuss what they would be doing next. Options seemed limited, especially when they were surrounded by the ash and the embers of what the fire left behind, but they tried to ignore it and focus all of their attention on what they would do next.

They were so focused on their discussion that they didn’t notice the approaching group from behind them until they were almost on top of them. Speedily, Magnus and the others raised their weapons, standing their ground.

You could trust no one in this world. Not anymore.

“Don’t come any closer,” Jace commanded.

The figures that were covered, faces and all, did nothing to stop. So, to stop them, Jace fired a shot from his gun towards their feet. The person who was in front halted, raising their hand to halt everyone else too. There was a lot of them, Magnus couldn’t even count them all with one sweep of his eyes.

The first figure pulled back their hood and pulled down their mask to reveal that she was female. She had long, blonde, braided hair that fell down the side of her shoulder and cautious brown eyes. No one else removed their hood but a taller figure next to her did tense up.

“You know something, I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t shoot at us,” she said, staring at Jace.

“Well, I’d really appreciate it if you stopped moving when I told you to,” Jace retorted, none of them lowering their guns.

The other group did not have their weapons raised but they didn’t look exactly welcoming. Magnus tried eyeing them all up but he couldn’t see their faces or where they were looking. There was at least a dozen of them and they were all considerably short which either meant they were having a standoff with tall dwarfs or children.

“You don’t exactly know us, so why would we listen to you?” She asked, not moving from her spot.

It was at that moment that a walker, half burnt, decided to stumble upon this meeting. Everyone turned their attention towards it but no one seemed to do anything until it was right next to the cloaked group. One of the taller members sighed visibly and shot it down with a bow and arrow which was impressive but everyone was too busy being offish to congratulate anyone.

The bowman turned back then and Magnus watched them as they did not lower their weapon, but poised it at the other group until the bow settled upon Alec who was hugging Max into his chest. Lowering the bow, the person then removed their mask and hood to reveal an interesting heterochromia of blue-green and an almost gold, and beautiful blonde hair.

“That is a child,” he said, quirking his head as if confused about what children were.

“Well, you aren’t wrong,” Magnus said.

“We should not hurt people who have children,” the blonde stated towards the girl who was leading their group.

Another hooded figure approached the now revealed man and removed their own hood to reveal a deep blue hair and another heterochromia set of what looked black and silver, but Magnus put that down to the lighting. He said something to the blonde but the blonde shook his head.

“Sure, we do not know them, but they have a child, Kier,” he said. “This one looks young enough to be born recently, we should not take their lives.”

“Like you could if you tried,” Jace said, almost underneath his breath but not quite.

The blue haired man, ‘Kier’, turned to look at Jace with a fire in his eyes. “We very much could, do not tempt us.” His voice was stern, like ice. He was beautiful, but it was a cold beauty.

The blonde girl said something quietly to the others and, slowly, they each took down their own hoods and masks. Magnus had been correct in thinking these were children, not all of them, but for the most part they were. There was even a small boy hiding behind tall brown haired boy that was stood next to the blonde girl. Magnus really wished he knew their names.

“First and foremost,” the blonde girl said. “We’d like to apologise for the fire.”


	18. What You Left Behind

> “The present changes the past. Looking back you do not find what you left behind.”  
>  ― Kiran Desai, _The Inheritance of Loss_

_Alec_

_Of course these people started the fire,_ Alec thought with an internal sigh, _and of course they’re here, asking for forgiveness in front of us. Just of course, how could anything else be the case?_

“It was an accident,” the blonde girl continued. “Tavvy here.” She gestured towards the little boy hiding behind the brown haired boy. “He was just trying to help and it got out of hand. We’re sorry if you got caught up in it.” She sounded sincere, but it didn’t help.

“We lived here,” Magnus said.

“Oh. In the woods?”

“In the cabins that were here. Until they were burnt down. We had others.”

The girl looked fearful then. “Did they die in it?”

“We don’t know. We didn’t get out with them,” Tessa said, her voice hoarse.

“And that was the fire’s fault,” the girl said, acknowledging it more than questioning it. “We’re sorry, he didn’t mean it. Is there any way we can help?”

“Have you got food? We don’t have a lot anymore,” Clary said, smiling as she lowered her weapon.

The others followed suit, some more willing than others. The other group moved forward then, hesitantly, Alec noticed. As they got closer, Alec noticed that their cloaks were a mismatch of colours and materials, and that none of their masks were matching either. This had clearly been a project they had done to create these protective garments and Alec could appreciate that they had done such a thing for safety.

Considering they were young, very few of them had facial hair. The older ones did, and some of the teenagers had the pubescent beginnings, but other than that, they looked distinctly clean. Of course, they didn’t smell particularly wonderful, but Alec’s nose had forgotten to smell things in depth because nothing smelt wonderful anymore. The only reason Alec and the others did smell better was because they had access to those baths. The baths that were now gone.

“We have lots, with fifteen people we can carry a heavy load,” the girl said. “I’m Emma by the way, this is Julian who is brother to Tavvy, Livvy, Dru, and Ty who is dating Kit, and then half-brother to Mark and Helen, Helen is dating Aline, Mark is dating Kieran. This is Cristina who is dating Diego who is brother to Jaime, and this is Diana.” Emma released a heavy breath.

“That’s quite a mouthful,” Magnus said and Alec could see he was still tense. It took a lot for him to trust people.

Emma laughed. “Yeah, but we’re a big family, so it’s easy to remember.” She paused. “And you are?”

“I’m Jace,” Jace said. “This is Clary, Magnus, and Alec. Jem and Tessa are those two and over there.” He pointed to Izzy who was still staring at the trunk with blank eyes, not taking notice of anything that had just happened. “Is Izzy.” His voice took a sadder note when he said her name.

“And who is this?” Emma said, smiling at Max and waving at him with her fingers as he started giggling.

“This is Max,” Alec introduced.

“Who’s the mother?” Julian asked, looking to Tessa and Clary as he didn’t seem to think Isabelle was capable given her current state.

The lot of them turned to Izzy in turn and then back to Julian.

“Oh, is she dead?” Julian asked, guilt thick in his voice.

“No,” Magnus answered. “Isabelle is his mother.” Magnus said it quietly but even if he had shouted it, Isabelle wouldn’t have noticed. She had almost completely faded from the world and Alec did his best not to think about it. “She has postpartum and we don’t know how to help her.”

The others nodded along but only the older members of their group understood what that meant.

“So, are you the father?” Julian asked to Alec.

“No, I’m her brother,” Alec said. “The father died. Magnus and I are taking over as his parents.”

“How are you meant to explain that to the child when he grows old?” Kieran asked, his eyes looking almost bored as if he wanted to be anywhere else.

“We’re crossing that bridge when it comes to it,” Jace said. “We’ve got a little while yet.”

Magnus took Alec’s hand with one of his own in an act of reassurance but Alec could feel the defiance in it too, as if daring Kieran to ask more about it. It was clear that Kieran wasn’t malicious in his questioning but Magnus sometimes saw the worst in people first. That was what the apocalypse did to people.

“So, do you want to get out of this burnt down forest or does the ash give you some weird sort of comfort?” Cristina asked, looking around at all the dead wood.

“We were looking for our friends,” Tessa said.

That left an awkward silence amongst them. It had become apparent that they weren’t going to find Charlotte or the others, not now. They were still hoping desperately that they could, that perhaps a sign would come along that they could follow. But it wasn’t coming and none of them knew if it ever would.

So they left. Each one of them had a heavy heart, as if they were leaving behind their friends right then and there. That wasn’t really the case, but it did feel as though they were giving up hope on ever finding them. Alec could see that Jem and Tessa were loosely holding hands, heart-broken and depressed.

Emma and Julian spoke a lot on their way out of the woods. Even though Diana was the eldest, she seemed more wary than the others, so she didn’t talk at all. Alec could understand that. Letting people in, trusting people, that wasn’t something anyone wanted to do.

According to Emma and Julian, they were on their way across the States in order to find a friend of theirs that lived inside a bunker in California. He was called Zachariah and had made plans for the apocalypse when the first word of the undead had come out. People had called him crazy, but no one thought that after the apocalypse happened.

None of them were entirely sure if his bunker was still in operation, but it gave them a goal and something to do. If people had something to aim for, it made living a lot easier.

It also kept everyone happy in their group. When they had all set off, there had been even more of them but, as always, not all of them had survived. When there were more people, it meant more arguments so everyone had to agree on a place to go to keep everyone happy. Agreeing that Zachariah was their best bet had helped to keep everyone in high spirits.

Once they came out of the forest, or what was left of the forest, they didn’t know exactly where to go. A long set of hills lay before them and the direction of the nearest road was unclear. Since it was around noon, they all settled down to eat.

Many members of the other group gushed over Max mainly because they didn’t think they would ever see a baby again. They hadn’t ever been to a town so they didn’t know the safety that some people felt and never did they expect to see someone want to give birth if they were out on the road. According to them, Little Max was a miracle, and the truth was, he was.

That was why everyone insisted on holding him. Alec watched as Mark and Kieran took turns tickling him and as Little Max tugged at Kieran’s hair which Alec thought Kieran would be mad about but he actually found it endearing. He watched as young Tavvy had help from Julian to hold Max, and as Ty looked at him with confusion in his eyes but also a sense of happiness, Kit helping him keep Max up.

Without even knowing he was doing it, Alec was smiling at them all practically playing pass the baby as Max lapped up the attention. Magnus offered him a peach from one of the cans Emma had given them and it took Alec a second to realise he had done so.

“I didn’t realise you were so protective of him,” Magnus said, nudging Alec with the can so he would take a piece. “I don’t think they’ll hurt him, he’s too cute for that. Although I did overhear Kieran talking about an old folk’s tale where they would feed children to a giant tree… Maybe we should worry about him.”

Alec laughed lightly as he took the piece of peach. “I’ll keep an eye out for baby-eating trees. I’m not watching him because I’m scared for him, I’m watching because, well, look at him.”

“Such an attention seeker. He gets that from me.”

“Not that,” Alec said, laughing again. “Look at their faces. Look at how happy he’s making everyone. You don’t see that very often.”

“People being happy?”

Alec nodded.

“I think we were all happy yesterday or the day before,” Magnus said, interlocking his fingers with Alec’s and taking another piece of peach. “Things change and we don’t see happiness twenty-four-seven, but we do still see it. I think we need to remember that otherwise we’ll fall into a pit of despair and never get out.”

“Like Izzy,” Alec said quietly, his heart snapping again like it always did when he thought about his sister.

She had followed them out of the forest purely because Jace had guided her to do so. Rarely did she even speak or seem to notice that anything was happening around her. The postnatal depression and the general depression had become too much for her, altering her mind to such an extent that even Alec no longer recognised her.

“She could still come back,” Magnus said and Alec looked at him.

He had aged, Alec could see it around his eyes where there were lines. They were small and no one who hadn’t stared at his face as much as Alec had would have noticed them. Not only was it the years going by, but it was the stress too. Everything aged people now.

“Yeah, let’s try and believe that,” Alec said, giving him a sad smile.

“Alexander, you have to hope-,”

“That’s all we do nowadays,” Alec said, cutting him off not in anger but in honesty. “I hate living on hope.”

Magnus squeezed his hand. “Just look at Max, for a moment.”

Alec did and saw that he was now sat in Emma’s lap with Julian by her side. They looked oddly like parents, looking down at their son with nothing but love and pride in their eyes.

“You said it just a moment ago, look at what he’s giving them. Not only is he giving them happiness, he’s giving them hope. Our Little Max is a glimpse that the future still exists. I know it’s a risky one, I know it’s not set in stone, but it’s there. There was a time when I thought this was going to wipe out mankind and make us extinct.

But now there’s Max, this glimmer of hope that life will still go on. I know mankind sucks because we almost killed our own planet with pollution and destroying the rainforests and making other species go extinct with our poaching and slaughter, but we have our moments of glory. Now, with all the undead here, it’s our time to live again.

I know it’s scary, by the Angel, I know it is, and I genuinely thought, every time I woke up, today is the day we’re going to die, but not now. With Max, I can see that the future still lies ahead of us. Sure, it’s based on hope, but is that so bad if the hope we have lies with our son?”

Alec sighed and rested his head against Magnus’ shoulder. He could see where he was coming from, in fact, it was hard not to. Max was this beacon of hope against the dark sky of despair. With life came the idea of the future but if everything depended on Little Max, wasn’t that putting so much pressure on him it was almost unfair?

“It just feels so endless,” Alec said.

Kissing into Alec’s hair, Magnus then said, “Life is endless until it isn’t, that’s the way it’s always been. You have to remember what you left behind, and go on. That’s always been life, now we’ve just got different problems to leave behind.”

After everyone ate and became more acquainted, it became an unspoken rule that they were going to accompany each other for a little while, so they got up and moved on. They went on a straight path, hoping they would find something along the way like a sign or a road but none of them knew for sure.

A bigger group meant more safety precautions. They had to pay more attention to their surroundings, especially because of the younger members of the new group. Tavvy needed caring for and Dru was still relatively young. Whilst Ty and Kit and Livvy were in their teenage years, they weren’t adults. Neither were Julian and Emma, the two that seemed to lead the group despite the fact they weren’t the oldest.

It was an odd dynamic, but it worked somehow. Ty, who seemed to be autistic, had Kit and Livvy to keep him together so that Julian and Emma could look after Dru so that Mark and Kieran could keep an eye on Tavvy. Then there was Diana looking after them all and Cristina and Diego keeping a weathered eye on Jaime. Helen and Aline kept amongst the crowd, milling between them all. There was so many of them, but they had each other to help.

But Alec could see the difficult with having so many, especially so many children. Emma and Julian clearly had to mature a lot earlier than was fair so that they could pull their weight because the younger members couldn’t. Although Ty tried to, he needed a lot of help from Kit so it took a lot of work to get them all moving, to keep them together.

It worked for the most part, but Jaime didn’t look like he wanted to help at all and, when they were trying to pick up their pace, it was mainly him that lagged behind because he just couldn’t be bothered. Alec didn’t understand how he was still alive, but he was Diego’s brother, so it made more sense because of that.

Alec and Magnus spent a lot of time walking with Aline and Helen, Helen holding Max and bouncing him up and down as they walked, which he loved. Aline held his teddy bear and they played with it with him, and it was lovely. He brought them so much joy, it was heart-warming.

Alec looked ahead and saw Kit and Ty holding hands, Kit explaining something in depth to Ty though Alec couldn’t tell what it was. Ty laughed then and Alec smiled at them for a moment. Then he saw Cristina and Diego talking to each other, then Julian and Emma, and Alec saw how much love there was.

It may have been tested an awful lot, but it was there. They had romantic, platonic, and familial love all in this group, but Alec paid more attention to romantic in that moment because he had Magnus by his side. They were surrounded by love and it was good. If they had each other, the world didn’t need to be so tragic

But before Alec could get too wrapped up in that, he saw Isabelle again. She was staring at the new people with nothing in her eyes, they were empty. She saw Ty giggling as Kit tucked hair behind his ear, she saw Livvy talking to Diana, she saw Dru staring at Diego with infatuation, and she did not see them. She looked at them, but she did not understand them.

The world was no longer something she understood and Alec could not focus on her for long before his heart shattered, so he looked back to Little Max, playing with the buttons on Helen’s shirt. That was where the hope was, that was where Alec had to look so he didn’t fall into despair.

Before they knew it, the night was bearing down on them as the sun sank below the horizon. They didn’t face all that many walkers considering the terrain was so open, and any they did come across were taken out with ease as there was twenty-three of them now. Sure, two of them were young children and another could only walk with them because the others were guiding her arm, but the sheer bulk of their group did help their travelling in terms of safety, not in terms of speed.

They came across a fenced off area where it looked like a farmland may have once lay, so they set themselves inside it, right in the corner so they could have their backs to something. Two people were to set up watch and change every few hours, one from each group because total trust still wasn’t there. First up was Emma and Clary who seemed to be getting on like a house on fire. _Wow, too soon,_ Alec thought.

Alec and Magnus lay themselves amongst the others with Little Max settled between them, clutching his teddy bear. He seemed on the colder side, so Magnus asked if anyone had a spare blanket, Kieran offering one up, and then they put it on the three of them to keep them all warm.

Out of the corner of his eye, Alec could see Jem and Tessa who, whilst looking like they were about to sleep, did not look like they were going to sleep at all. Tessa’s eyes were wide open and Jem was hugging her close, talking to her in a voice that only she would be able to hear.

He then glanced over at Izzy, who was sat against the fence, looking up at the sky. She no longer looked like the sister he had grown up with. There was something in her eyes that Alec couldn’t place but he knew it was different. This was not his Isabelle and he was sure she was never going to come back to him.

As if Magnus knew what was going through his mind, he brought his hand to Alec’s cheek and brushed his thumb across it. They made eye contact and Alec tried to smile but his heart was in too many pieces, so he looked down to Max who was soundly asleep. Max could always make him feel calmer.

Gently, Alec took Max’s chubby hand between his fingers and massaged over the skin, sending him off to sleep with ease. He used a free finger to rub over the skin of his cheek, a little cool but soft all the same. This little bundle of life that was set between them, this was what Alec would live for but he couldn’t help but see his mother in him. That aspect broke his heart.

“Why are you worrying yourself sick, darling?” Magnus asked quietly.

“Everything feels so wrong again,” Alec said, not looking back to Magnus who was still cupping his cheek, his hand warm against Alec’s skin.

“We’re doing okay considering the circumstances,” Magnus said. “I hate seeing you like this.”

“I hate being like this.” Alec looked back to Magnus and tried another smile but it still didn’t work.

Pausing, Magnus searched Alec’s eyes for something that Alec didn’t know he would find. Gently, Magnus pressed his lips to Alec’s, careful not to disturb Little Max who was sleeping between them still. Alec kissed him back, their lips doing nothing more than connecting for a moment before they broke apart again.

“Do you want to get married?” Magnus asked, out of the blue.

Alec snorted. “What?” Magnus was probably being stupid to try and cheer him up. How could they get married now?

“Do you want to get married?” Magnus repeated.

Alec furrowed his brow. “Seriously?”

A nod followed as response.

“Here?” Alec asked, glancing around at their surroundings.

Another nod came.

“Is this your proposal?” Alec asked, half-joking, half-touched by his sentiment.

“I know.” Magnus smiled at himself. “It’s no fireworks after a romantic meal where we had our first date, but I don’t think we really have that option anymore.”

“You really want to?” Alec asked.

He knew how Magnus felt about marriage, how unsure he was about it. Even though he wanted to show his love for Alec, Alec would have never asked him to show him like this. Maybe he had wanted to marry Magnus, but he wanted it to be a consensual thing.

Here he was though, proposing on a summer evening as they went to sleep in the corner of a farm field. The world had changed, Magnus had too and even though Magnus had told him he had wanted to propose, Alec never thought he would. Clearly, Magnus had changed a lot more than Alec had recognised.

“I really want to,” Magnus said, smiling at Alec.

“Would we have a ceremony?” Alec asked, not believing how okay he was with the idea considering it was so impromptu.

“I don’t know. I mean, I do love a good show, but who needs a ceremony? I was thinking we could just do it here and now.”

“Okay...” Alec said, shrugging because he didn’t know where it was going to go.

“Now, don’t laugh,” Magnus said as he removed his hand from Alec’s cheek. “These are handmade. I did what I could with the materials I had at hand.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out two miniature rings that were made from a gold wire wrapped around twice to create a ring, each of them connected by a safety pin. There was no laughter from Alec, he didn’t even feel like any ounce of him found it funny, instead he found it endearing, one of the most touching things anyone had ever done for him.

“It _should_ be your size,” Magnus said, taking Alec’s left hand and sliding it over his ring finger with ease before giving Alec the other one to put on his own finger. “I found a pair of earrings at the cabin and I thought I’d make them. They look a bit shit but-,”

“No,” Alec cut him off and held onto Magnus’ hand once he had finished sliding on the ring. “Don’t say that, they’re- they’re anything but shit.” Alec brought their lips together again. “We didn’t say any vows or anything.”

“I think the days of tradition are well behind us, husband of mine,” Magnus said, grinning.

“You’re an idiot,” Alec said through a grin that had set itself upon his lips.

“But I’m your idiot.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Typically, we would have to consummate this, which is a tradition I would not abstain from, but well, the conditions are not befitting for such.”

Alec brushed the hair out of Magnus’ eyes, it really needed cutting. “I think we can cope.”

He knew Magnus was joking about the whole sex thing, but Alec knew he still wasn’t okay with it. He had grown okay with touching and nudity but the idea of sex still made him freeze up. Alec was fine with that, he never wanted to push Magnus or pressure him or do anything like that, all he wanted was Magnus to be okay again.

If he would ever be okay like that again, Alec truly didn’t know. Magnus was confident and he could pretend everything was good and well but Alec could see beneath the façade when he was putting it up. He had broken through the wall of being able to touch but whether he would ever be okay with sex again was a mystery. There was no way on earth Alec would pressure him. Rape was horrible, one of the most horrific things people could go through and Alec was going to help him through it.

There was no counselling, no help other than being around family. They had their physical scars but the mental ones could plague people more than people seemed to realise. Magnus was getting over it better than some probably would in his circumstances, but Alec didn’t know if he would ever be completely okay again.

They kissed once more and Alec, quite the contrary to the night before, fell asleep with ease and a smile set upon his lips. Sure, they were sleeping outside without a goal in sight or without any safety around them, but Alec had his family safe, and now he had a husband. Things weren’t perfect but they were going better. Magnus would get better too, Alec would make sure of that.

The next morning, Alec almost died of a heart attack. He awoke, confused by the feeling of the ring on his finger until he remembered what had happened last night, then he looked at Magnus who was still asleep, and smiled with a heart as light as air. Then he looked down to Max to see that he wasn’t there.

For a second, Alec thought Emma and her group had stolen him in their sleep and he was going to go on a rampage to find them and kill them. So he sat up hurriedly, almost seething until he saw it.

Little Max was only a few metres away, _walking_ towards Clary who had her arms out ready to catch him. Seeing that he had woken up, Clary smiled at him.

“He just got up,” she said, beaming. “There was some struggling with the blankets and I didn’t know what was going on until his little head popped out. He pushed himself up on Magnus, which was quite funny, then he saw me and started walking.”

Some of the others were awake and they were all watching with wide and happy eyes. Shaking Magnus awake so he could watch too, Max then fell into Clary’s arms, giggling happily. Everyone that was awake clapped gently for him and Little Max lapped it up.

“Papa. Dada,” he called in glee, stretching his arms and making grabby hands. Clary set him on the ground again and he stumbled towards his fathers.

He walked as fast as his little legs would let him and Alec grabbed him just before he fell. Being the proud father that he now was, Alec scratched affectionately at his head before hugging him close and kissing his cheek. He giggled again before Magnus took him and hugged him in the same congratulatory fashion.

Giggling again, Max hugged tight into Magnus’ chest, burying his little face in his shirt. Magnus played with his thin locks and asked for something to give him to eat. They opened another can of peaches and let him have a slice which he took gratefully, munching on it with his gums and the three teeth he had currently.

The teething process had been a difficult one to get through since they didn’t have the supplies to calm him and soothe him, but he was doing okay. He didn’t cry all that much, in fact he was quite a calm and relaxed child. It was a relief, having a child that cried a lot would not help the survival of anyone during the apocalypse. He was a happy little boy and it was a miracle considering the circumstances in which he lived.

Alec pressed a kiss to Magnus’ cheek before he stood and stretched his stiff limbs. There were a fair few disadvantages to sleeping on the floor and the feeling of the ache in the bones was definitely one of them. At least he could sleep though, an uncomfortable sleep was better than no sleep at all.

The sky had taken an interesting shade of azure which meant it was very early morning. One thing Alec had always missed, even to this day, was time and knowing what hour it was. He liked to know when it was morning and when it was afternoon and now he never did. Shadows and reading them, it never came particularly easy to Alec, so he had to go by the sun in the sky and the shade of blue it was when it was blue. He never favoured it.

It seemed as though it was going to be a pleasant day, Alec thought as he came to rest against the fence, which Alec was truly grateful for. If something could go right, that would be wonderful. Subconsciously, he played with the ring that sat on his finger, tracing over its lines and the safety pin, making his heart warm.

He barely noticed that Magnus had come to join him, standing next to him with Max still in his arms, gumming at another piece of peach. Magnus kissed his cheek, bringing his attention to his presence.

“What are we looking at?” Magnus asked, watching Alec more than the view of the hills.

Alec shrugged. “Nothing in particular.”

“Emma asked if we wanted to join her,” Magnus said.

“It’s not up to me,” Alec said, looking at Magnus now.

“It is a little,” Magnus said, brushing the hair across Alec’s forehead as Little Max looked up to Magnus with bright and wide eyes. “We go by what you say most of the time. You’re the glue that holds us together.”

“I think that’s his job actually,” Alec said, ruffling Max’s locks so that he squealed in joy.

“I mean, yes, it is,” Magnus said, smiling. “But I don’t think he truly understands the gravity of the situation as of yet. Also, he doesn’t know enough words.”

Alec thought about it. It would give them something to do, which was a good thing. If people became idle, they gave up and Alec didn’t want himself or any of his loved ones to give up. With a goal in mind, they could aspire to something and, as Magnus had said, hope was so important now.

And, if it worked out, they would have a stable place to stay. This bunker they had described seemed safe and stable. According to Emma, it had food and water, a replenishing system and a whole bunch of other things to keep them going. It would help Max, help make sure he could survive and live the life he deserved.

But it was so far away. Not only that, if they got there and it wasn’t still standing, then how would any of them cope? Putting so much faith in something that was merely a possibility, it was risky.

What else did they have to do though?

“Sure,” Alec said, shrugging. “If that’s what everyone else wants, who am I to object?”

“They’d follow you into the sun if it meant being with you,” Magnus said. “Me included.”

“I have no plans to do that any time soon,” Alec said. “But let’s go. It might work out well for us.”

“Let’s hope so.”

Once everyone had eaten, Max eating more peaches than the rest of them because he was a greedy little thing, they moved on again. They stayed within the fenced off area until it ended and they were forced amongst the wilderness of the hills again. There still didn’t seem to be many walkers and they were overjoyed because of that. When things went right, even if it was only slightly, everything felt so much better and people felt so much happier.

They walked alongside Ty and Kit for a good long while, Ty asking a lot of questions about looking after the baby and how well the labour had gone. Alec didn’t mind talking to Ty about it, he was sweet. Alec could see the love in Kit’s eyes as Ty spoke, reminding him of when he had fallen in love with Magnus.

It had been a more innocent love, one that made them fall head over heels. Now, they were more mature but they were no less in love. Alec could see the same thing happening between Ty and Kit, although they were a couple of years younger than when Magnus and Alec had met in Central Park. Kit held onto Ty’s hand like he never wanted him to go, never wanted him to leave his sight and Alec could definitely understand that.

Most of the couples held hands despite the heat. Mark and Kieran gripped at each other’s hands, holding each other tightly, Aline and Helen held each other more loosely, Jem and Tessa kept each other close. All of them did it, all of them refused to let go, their love consuming them.

It was love that was getting them through, romantic, platonic, or familial, all of them were important. Alec could see, as well as the desperate love between the couples, the familial love between the siblings amongst them. They were all keeping a weathered on each other despite the fact their partners were doing the same. Everyone was looking out for each other, everyone was caring for each other. It was what got them through as they walked a seemingly endless path.

Along the way, Max kept bugging Magnus over and over again to let him down and walk with the others. It wasn’t that Magnus wanted to be cruel to his son, it was just that he couldn’t exactly walk very quickly and, even if he could, he had only just learnt to walk so he wouldn’t be steady on his feet.

Over and over, Max would ask his Papa to be let down, to let him walk with everyone else. This would then result in Magnus having to tell his son that, no, he couldn’t be let down because they had to move quickly. There was no way for Max to understand since he was just a child, but it didn’t stop him from asking again and again.

Eventually, everyone grew tired of hearing the same thing repeated but they dealt with it because it was Little Max and he was the hope for the future and all that. However, when he started screaming and wailing, not everyone could bring themselves to appreciate it. In fact, none of them could.

It was that sort of crying that the child could stop at any second if they got what they wanted. Max wouldn’t let up, there was no sign of him doing so unless he got what he wanted. Normally, Magnus would have let him do as he pleased but out in the wild hills, he couldn’t.

So Max didn’t stop crying and screaming. Alec didn’t quite know how he had the energy or the breath inside him, but there he was, screaming to his heart’s content. Everyone tried to cheer him up, giving him food and toys, wiggling his teddy bear in front of him and making it talk, but Max just wouldn’t have it.

At first, it was annoying, then it got dangerous. The cry echoed around the hills, sending waves throughout the land. Since walkers were attracted to noise, it’s not exactly hard to guess what was on its way. No one noticed it at first, the low rumble of groans from the undead but it was soon ringing in their ears.

“Right, we need to move quicker,” Alec called out over the sound of the still wailing Max.

They picked up the pace but Max’s crying did nothing to help them. Somehow, it grew louder and brought the growing herd of walkers around them from all directions. Steadily, the silhouettes of the dead could be seen dotting across the land surrounding them.

Every time they turned their direction, a walker was spotted in the distance, so they turned again. Eventually, no one was sure if they were walking back on themselves but they knew they were not heading in a steady direction. Soon enough, Alec’s heart was in his head just as Max’s ever continuing cry was too.

They began jogging, picking up their pace as the walker herd grew. Max wouldn’t stop and it was frustrating them all because, where the cry went, so did the walkers.

Coming to his last resort, Magnus had to yell at Max. He didn’t want to, Alec could hear it in his voice, but he had to. If he didn’t, Max would end up getting them all killed. Magnus had to do it and Alec felt his heart pain him as he did, hearing Magnus get so angry at their son even though he didn’t want to.

The second Magnus yelled at him to be quiet, Little Max stopped, creating an eerie silence that was almost instantly filled with the groans of the undead. His little lip wobbled and his wide eyes turned to a true sadness, not the fake sadness of a strop.

“Dada,” Max sobbed out.

Stopping for only a moment, Alec took Max in his own arms, throwing Magnus an apologetic look as he seemed heart-broken, but they didn’t have the time to stop. Since the wailing stopped, the walkers headed in the direction of where it had been beforehand, so the group moved on quicker.

The walkers were sparse apart so once they were upon them, they could dodge in and out quickly. But then they thickened out and they had to start killing them. Since Alec had to run with Max in his arms, he didn’t have the chance to kill any himself, meaning he had to stick close to Magnus and Kieran who were in front of him and behind him, killing any that got too close.

Their groans and moans echoed through his skull, his blood coursing through his system at an unbelievable speed. His feet hit the ground with heavy thuds but their touch was light. Little Max bobbed up and down against his chest and Alec hugged him tight as he heard his scared and confused mumbles once he set his eyes upon the undead.

They reached a somewhat open space and they veered off in a different direction where the walkers were sparse once more. Blood covered them all, drenching their clothes in its thick, viscous liquid, staining them. It wasn’t all that pleasant but they carried on despite it.

Well, nearly all of them did; Isabelle didn’t. She stopped in the midst of the open space, halting so suddenly Alec almost collided with her. The others continued running and killing, not noticing what the other two were doing.

“Izzy, we need to go,” Alec said, his voice stern and eager.

She looked around at the world that surrounded her, at the walkers that were approaching. Her eyes were blank as she slowly moved her head around, taking in the details she didn’t seem to understand. Not anymore.

“No,” she said and it had been the first time she had spoken in weeks.

Finally, she looked at Alec with sad eyes. Their brown, they were so faded and dull, but there was something clear in them now. She searched Alec as if he were a stranger but something twigged in her as she looked down to Max, her gaze softening. The herd was closing in around them, but neither moved.

“I know I’ve been absent lately,” she said, shaking her head of the memory. “And I’m sorry.”

“Izzy, come on, we can talk later,” Alec said, urgently. He reached out to take her hand but she stepped back.

“Thank you for taking him.” Her eyes were welling up. “I thought such terrible things and I know what you did for me. I might not have been able to respond, but I know what you did, and I thank you so much, my dear, dear brother.”

Something twigged in the back of Alec’s head, but it didn’t reach any coherent thought. “We need to go.” His voice had gone quiet.

“I can help now.”

“No, Izzy.”

“I can help,” she said again, nodding at him to make him accept it. She stepped forward and kissed Max’s head who looked up at her with confusion. “Take care of my son.”

“Izzy. Don’t,” Alec said, barely audibly. The sound of the walkers was growing, consuming them. “Don’t do this to me.” A lot of it got caught in his throat, but Isabelle got the message.

“I’m doing this _for_ you,” Izzy said and she cupper her brother’s cheek. “I love you, Alec.”

“I love you, Izzy. Please, come with us.” Alec could hear the desperation in his own voice but did nothing to stop it.

She shook her head, tears falling. “Let me see our Max again. Let me see Simon.”

“No.” The word got caught in his throat as he reached out to grab her hand again but she had stepped back.

“Let me see them again.”

Her final words left her mouth as a walker came up behind her, tearing into her neck as it pulled her into its mouth. She didn’t scream but Alec did. Without him knowing, Magnus had come up behind him and grabbed Alec by his waist, pulling him away from his sister as he tried to run towards her.

“Izzy!” Alec called out, his voice suddenly hoarse.

“Alec, we need to go,” Magnus said in his ear, pulling him away and pressing him forward through a gap of walkers as Mark shot one that came too close.

Trying his best to break free from his husband’s grip and without trying to hurt Max, he looked back to Isabelle. She was no longer visible. A gang of the undead had gathered around where she once stood and she stood no longer. Alec released a sob, tears he hadn’t known were there streaming down his face.

Magnus squeezed his shoulders but pushed him forward all the same. For Max, he carried on. Despite the sobs leaving his throat, he moved forward against the tide of walkers that reached out and tried to grab them. Everyone was shooting walkers or smashing their skulls except for Alec because he just couldn’t. The energy left his body and he had nothing left.

Somewhere, the herd thinned out and they escaped, but Alec didn’t see when that happened. His focus was on Max and the feel of Magnus’ hand against his back. He had that to get him through the herd that had made him lose his sister. He couldn’t believe it, he didn’t want to.

She was still alive, he repeated that over and over again in his head. He would turn around and she would be there, looking at the world with blank eyes. Maybe the Izzy he knew wouldn’t be there, but the one he had come to know over the last year, _she_ would be there.

But when he turned around, she was not there. Instead, the walkers were, trying to follow the group that was speedily escaping. His sister was amongst them, but she was not there.

They got far enough away to catch their breath and rest for a moment, most of them collapsing to the floor. Alec, however, collapsed against Magnus and cried until he had nothing left to cry.


	19. Courage Always Rises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little warning, there's a fair amount of talk about rape in this chapter. Please, read with caution x

> “There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.”  
>  ― Jane Austen, _Pride and Prejudice_

_Magnus_

It had been tough on everyone. Even though Emma and the others did not know her well, they were deeply saddened by Isabelle’s sacrifice. No one felt ready to move on but they had to. As the walkers started to disperse, some headed their way and they couldn’t wait around.

Even though Alec could barely stand, he would not let go of Max. He was hugging him into his chest tighter than was probably appropriate and Max clearly didn’t understand but his cheeks looked less red than usual so he didn’t seem to mind. Magnus had to keep a firm hand on his back to keep him moving in the right direction for he had bowed his head, crying silently since he had no more tears to cry.

Their pace was slow, but they kept moving, kept walking until their feet could no longer carry them. They ate a little on the way, but everyone’s appetites depleted with their onset depression. The night was well set before their feet buckled beneath them and they could go on no longer.

Magnus offered to stay on watch with Kieran so the others could go to sleep. Alec was still sobbing silently, unable to talk or do anything. Max had fallen asleep in his arms, exhausted by his own crying it would seem. Alec collapsed against Magnus once they settled down and, although he seemed too horrified to sleep, he did so almost instantly. It had been an exhausting day.

Wrapping an arm around Alec, Magnus watched as Mark rested his head in Kieran’s lap as he started to play with the blonde locks to send him off to sleep. Even though Kieran didn’t look all that affectionate, he clearly was around Mark, letting his front fall when he was with him. It was sweet.

“Why do you watch us?” Kieran asked after everyone had fallen asleep.

Magnus coughed uncomfortably. “Sorry, I dazed out.”

“You have my apologies for your friend,” he said quietly after a pause. He spoke a bit like it was medieval times but Magnus didn’t question it, he really didn’t have the energy for it. Things were weird, Magnus let most of them be.

“Thanks,” Magnus answered, subconsciously massaging Alec’s hair as he did.

“At least she suffers no more,” Kieran said and he was clearly uncomfortable with it, but he was trying and that’s what counted.

Magnus didn’t quite know what to say. Isabelle had been such a dear friend to him, his sister-in-law for a mere few hours. She had been such an integral part of his life, especially after the dead rose up. If he was honest, Magnus never thought he would outlive her. The world was cruel though and not everyone got what they thought they would, no matter how likely it seemed.

With everything he was, Magnus did not want to think about it. She was gone now and Alec would be more distraught than Magnus could even account for, as Jace and Clary would be too. His heart was aching, technically Max had been orphaned and it was so horrific. Magnus wanted everything to just stop. He wanted to think about something else.

“How did you and Mark meet?” Magnus asked, hoping for a change of subject that would lighten his mood.

Although Kieran had obviously not been expecting such a question, he answered with ease anyway. “Where Mark and I come from, there’s this travel experience thing that a few people get to go on. Some think themselves lucky to go, but not in my eyes. You had to be luckless to get onto the syllabus. I was enforced upon it by my father. He believed the experience would benefit me, widen my knowledge and culture.

Mark was upon it at the request of his family or something like that, I do not recall those details so well. Anyway, we travelled the world and did idiotic rituals and tested new cultures. It was all so futile and hateful and horrendous. I loathed it with every ounce of my being.

But, because Mark was there alongside me, I endured. We got along with each much, much better than we got along with the others. They secluded us, we always shared a room because people wanted no part in our lives. It was a peculiar start, we weren’t all that friendly with each other at first, but we got much better.

When we climbed mountains, we held hands. We had to share books because my father did not give me any, and we spent many of our nights avoiding the curfew to read late into the night. I think I fell in love with him before he fell in love with me, but we both got there in the end.

I remember when I realised I loved him.” Kieran’s eyes were watching Mark, love full within them and Magnus watched on, his heart warmed by the tale. “We had had an arduous day together and our leaders were relentless. We climbed for hours and hours and, when we thought we were going to camp on the top, they told us to descend so we could rest in some place they had booked us beforehand.

It was unbearable, we were beyond exhausted. When we eventually got there, our legs buckling beneath us, Mark collapsed onto my bed and I did not move him. I could not bring myself to do it, so I curled up beside him and we slept there. I knew I was in love, but it took some more time for him to love me.

We were in Paris, believe it or not, when we first kissed. Everyone was meant to be ascending the Eiffel Tower but Mark and I got away and we hid in a café. We knew the repercussions would be atrocious but we had each other. I would have done anything for him. I still would.

I could not stop staring at Mark’s smile and his tanned skin from the sun. He caught me watching and I knew I should have turned away but then Mark was kissing me and I was kissing him back.

Our leader, his name was Gwyn, he knew about our relationship but he let us be. He was kinder than the rest of the people we were with as they secluded us even more when they found out we were dating, if you could even call it dating. They were very few dates, if you can understand me.

The rest, well, it came from there. Though that much is obvious, I’m sure.” Kieran looked only at Mark as he spoke, sweetly and lovingly. There was a deep love in his heterochromia eyes, something Magnus guessed only ever came when he looked at Mark.

Max coughed a little in his sleep, bringing both of their attention’s to the small sleeping child but he did not stir again. They looked at each other and gave a small smile.

“It seems far away now,” Kieran said, turning away and looking into the distance as if he could see the past.

“Would you go back?” Magnus asked.

“To our travels?” Kieran asked and Magnus nodded. “Yes. It was hateful, but we were both safe. This life, there is no such thing as safe.”

“I don’t even see an end most of the time,” Magnus said, admitting to Kieran something he hadn’t even admitted to his husband.

Kieran shrugged. “There is no end. It was the same before.”

“It feels different now,” Magnus said. “It feels more endless. If that even makes sense.”

“A little. Perhaps you worry more about the near future than the future that is far off for it seems impossible. I can understand that much. But you have a child to care for, you must look to the future and see him there.”

“It’s not as easy as that.” Magnus sounded defeated and he truly felt it. After Isabelle’s death, he couldn’t see much light ahead of them.

“No, it isn’t,” Kieran agreed. “But the more difficult things in life are more profitable. Without the difficulty, we would not know what strength is. You must take courage, courage always rises against defeat.”

“Is that how you get by?” Magnus asked, playing with Alec’s hair still.

“I get by because of Mark and his family,” Kieran said. “They do not always trust me, I understand that for I am an offish man and I always have been, but they accepted me into it, into their lives. Mark is my reason for going on, without him, I would have no purpose.

There is much love here, between us all. Ty and Kit, Helen and Aline, Julian and Emma, Cristina and Diego, all of us. Now I see it between you. I remember first seeing them all when I came home to Mark, seeing Ty and Kit hold each other the way they did, I wanted it to be the same between Mark and I, until I realised very quickly that it was.

I think that it is the same for life, is it not? We see what we want until we realise we have it.”

“What are you saying?”

“I don’t know for sure.” Kieran shrugged. “I think I’m saying that we forget what we really have because we see what others have. Does that make sense?”

“So, I remember the life we led before and I forget what I have now?”

Kieran nodded slowly.

“What _do_ I have now?”

“Love. Strength. Courage. It is dark, but we’re still here.”

“But it feels so shit now.”

“We all live in rough times,” Kieran said.

“We’ve been tortured… Raped, everything like that and more,” Magnus said.

“I’m sorry for that, I did not know.” Kieran went quiet. “I cannot always fathom why people turn into the things they do. There are the undead walking around and yet we must fear the people more. It makes little sense to me.”

“The world is sick,” Magnus said. “And so are the people in it.”

They spoke well into the night, Magnus finding him easier conversation than he thought he would. Kieran seemed offish but he wasn’t when his guard was down. In fact, he was rather easy conversation and, whilst they didn’t have all that much in common, they consistently found something to talk about.

It made the night pass easier. With his mind settling on calmer things such as talking about his own childhood and not focused on where they were going to go or if they had a future, Magnus didn’t feel so emotionally drained. His body was still exhausted, but his mind was more at ease and that made living a whole lot easier.

When Magnus and Kieran felt they could stay awake no longer, they woke up Jem and Julian and settled themselves to sleep. Alec didn’t wake up as Magnus shuffled around to lie next to him, gently pulling Alec onto his chest so he could be comfortable. His breathing was heavy and Magnus listened to it, taking a comfort from it as he fell asleep.

Once again, he dreamt about Alec slipping far away from him as he reached out, unable to hold onto him. It made him toss but not enough to wake himself or Alec. That fact didn’t make him feel much better considering he was dreaming about Alec going to a place he could not follow.

The next morning, they ate a little and got moving quickly. It was a slow pace, but at least they were getting somewhere. They needed to hunt but twenty-two people being around didn’t make it easy. For one thing, they were in open field, and for another there was too many of them.

Whenever they did spot a rabbit or anything they could kill, Tavvy would trip up or Jaime would moan in frustration and then they would have nothing. It was infuriating and they were all on edge with each other at different points during the day, but they would get by. Even if they couldn’t all pull their weight, they would get by because they had to.

They settled down early to have some lunch of canned fruit and jerky. They were exhausted already but at least they had made some distance. Alec had clung to Magnus like he would drift away if he did not hold onto something stable.

He also caught him watching the others, the siblings mainly. He watched with tired eyes, a sadness in them that Magnus felt go straight to his heart. They were all alive, they were all okay, and they all had each other. It may have gotten tough, but their brothers and sisters were still around, in love with people and holding their loved ones close. Alec only had the four people around him now as his family and he himself were being torn apart.

“Is rape bad?” Ty asked in a silence, something none of them were expecting. 

“What?” Mark asked. He was sat next to Kieran, their hands locked together. “Why would you want to know?”

“I heard Kier and Magnus talking about it last night,” Ty answered. “No one's ever explained it to me.”

Magnus took some discreet deep breaths, holding onto Alec’s hand as he saw some of the others look to Kieran and him. Alec squeezed his hand reassuringly, telling him he was in the moment with him, there for him if he needed him to be. Although he was being torn apart inside, he would always be there for Magnus.

No one seemed okay to answer. Well, no one except Kit.

“Okay,” Kit began, taking Ty’s hand with both of his own and bringing Ty’s attention to him. “You know what you and I do sometimes, at night when the others are asleep-,”

“Excuse me?” Julian interrupted, his face pale but also a little mad.

“Don’t worry, we’re safe,” Kit dismissed with a smile. “You know what I’m talking about, Ty?”

Ty nodded.

“So, rape is when someone or some people do that to another person or other people and they don’t want it.”

“Who doesn’t want it?”

“It doesn’t matter who but the fact that people don’t want to have sex and are forced to, that’s rape.”

“But why?” Ty looked confused.

“Because some people don't make sense, Tiberius. Some people are just bad like that.” Kit kissed his cheek reassuringly and Ty bit his lip, furrowing his brow to try and work it out.

“Was Isabelle raped?” Jaime asked.

“What? No,” Clary answered.

“Then why were you talking about it?” Jaime asked.

None of them answered. Magnus was gripping Alec’s hand hard and he could feel the weight of people’s gazes. He didn’t want to leave it in silence, so he just spoke up.

“I was raped,” Magnus said, not understanding why he would admit such a thing to strangers. Maybe people did bond faster nowadays, but Magnus barely admitted that had happened to himself so he had very little understanding as to why he would tell strangers such a thing.

There was silence for a moment, a great pause that worked its way into Magnus’ heart. Alec’s hand was in his, that was all he focused on. Nothing else mattered to him, nothing else could get to him.

“What?” Jaime asked, disbelief and an irritation in his voice.

“What?” Magnus replied, confused.

“You’re a guy,” Jaime said. “Unless you’re gay and it was a girl, that’s not possible. You can’t be raped.”

“That’s a fucked up thing to say,” Jace said, his voice much darker than Magnus had ever heard it.

Magnus dismissed it with a small smile, his heart and bones aching all of a sudden. “I need the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”

He could feel everyone watching as he stood and went, Alec went to protest but Magnus just smiled at him and told him to stay with Max. Magnus went over the brow of a hill and sat where he would not be visible to the others.

He didn’t understand why he had said, but he would have to deal with the consequences now. Magnus didn’t want to be treated as a rape victim, he did not want their pity. Times for pity were long gone. They had much bigger problems to deal with than how Magnus was feeling about… _it_. He didn’t want to focus on it, not ever.

Someone settled down beside him and, after glancing at them, Magnus saw it was Kit. He sat a few inches away and looked at Magnus, his brow furrowed in pity. Magnus did not want that.

“I’m sorry, Ty didn’t mean anything by it,” Kit said. “He’s autistic, you see-,”

“I know.” Magnus smiled at Kit. “I don’t have anything against Ty, I understand it.”

“Jaime’s an ass,” Kit said. “I wouldn’t pay attention to him, either.”

“I’ll try my best.”

Kit went silent for a moment, watching Magnus though Magnus was looking off into the distance. There was a walker there, dragging its lifeless body through the wilderness but it didn’t have any clue as to where it was going.

“Are you okay?” Kit asked.

“Hm?” Magnus didn’t look at him, he could feel his bones aching.

“You don’t look okay,” Kit said. “I mean, you look sad.”

“We just lost Isabelle, Kit. I’m sad about that,” Magnus said, for it was the truth.

“I’m sorry about her, too,” Kit said.

“Me too.”

“I’m sorry about a lot of things,” Kit said after a pause.

“You don’t have to be.” Magnus gave him a smile.

“Will you be okay?” Kit asked, not averting his gaze whatsoever.

Magnus nodded, his throat too thick to answer. They sat there for a little while longer, not really talking but absorbing each other’s company. Kit was refreshing for Magnus for he was so young and yet so mature. Everyone had to be mature or they died. Kit was kind-hearted and gave off a warmth in his presence, Magnus was glad he had joined him.

When they re-joined the group, none of them looked. They gave Magnus his privacy which he was more than glad for. He sat back next to Alec, taking Max into his own lap since Alec thought he might want him. Max reached up and played with the buttons he loved so much, gumming on them and Magnus let him. He didn’t want to tell him off again.

The next couple of days did not make anyone feel much better. They wandered aimlessly forward, Emma and Diana leading them on though they did not know the way. It seemed as though they would never find the road or a path to follow out of the wilderness.

It was an perpetual task, searching for somewhere that would bring them hope or something to follow. The endless hills, the rolling grass, it all seemed eternal and their feet dragged on without their minds willing them to do so. Everything seemed so endless, so without point because they just didn’t know where they were going.

The edges of Magnus’ vision started to darken as they wandered the continuous path towards a goal that they weren’t even sure lay in front of them. His mind had clouded and Magnus couldn’t do a lot to keep himself or the others happy. He kept hold of Max, Alec taking a rather strong silence in his current state of depression. Magnus found himself holding Alec’s hand more than anything else, keeping him with him and making sure Alec knew Magnus was there for him, and also holding tight so Magnus too was reassured.

The days rolled by slower than Magnus thought physically possible. The sun rose and sank and no one seemed to take note of it. They were all so focused on trying to escape the wild hills that consumed their very being, they faded from the rest of the world. Their minds had become numb, and they focused not on the sun in the sky.

Their group was too large, they moved too slowly. Not all of them could help, they were all just walking because they couldn’t do anything else. The children were too young to understand much and there were certain members that did not bother to help. It was a lot to take on and it wasn’t easy to cope with.

Magnus was sure they were lost. They were in the middle of absolutely nowhere and nothing appeared in the distance. The warmth of the sun bore down on them and they just wanted to get somewhere or find something.

Nothing lay ahead and nothing lay behind. They carried on for the sake of carrying on. It was exhausting, one of the most draining experiences Magnus had ever gone through. He just wanted them to find something that could give them a spurt of energy and force them to carry on at a better pace.

Every now and again, Emma would tell them they were going in the right direction or that they were surely going to see something soon, but they never did. Although many of them tried to, happiness wasn’t coming. It had only been a couple of days and they already felt like this. It didn’t bode well.

Jem and Tessa had gotten progressively sadder too. They were the happiest two people one could ever meet with the sweetest dispositions, and now they weren’t. Jem was trying but Magnus could see the light fading behind his eyes. They had lost their dearest friends, were hanging around practical strangers, and they didn’t know where they were going. Magnus could understand their sorrow but he just wanted people to be happy again. He just wanted things to be good, for there to be hope.

When they went to sleep again none of them had the effort to stay up during the night. Sleeps were rougher than ever, even Little Max seemed to toss and turn more than anyone else. Perhaps he could feel the exhaustion everyone else did and it manifested in his sleep. Everyone else either couldn’t sleep or woke up about fifty times during the night because of their dreams or the fact they were so fatigued, they somehow couldn’t sleep.

If they could just see something, if they could just find a glimmer of hope, they would be better and they would feel better. With all this endlessness, how was it possible for them to go on? Was there any way for them to believe that something good was coming their way?

With their track record, it didn’t seem likely that they would be getting anything good. Or, what was more likely, they would get something good for a little while before it all fell to pieces. All this waiting for something good was draining them. Surely they deserved some good after a few days of pure exhaustion. Surely they hadn’t done so much wrong in their lives that this was what they deserved.

When Magnus awoke, he found that no one had woken anyone else up and they had been sleeping for hours without someone watching over them. That was idiotic because Magnus awoke to see a girl with platinum blonde hair carefully standing over them and trying to take their supplies. Another male also with platinum blonde hair was stood, watching them.

He saw Magnus looking at his friend. “Cat, maybe not,” he said quietly.

“What?” Cat asked, looking back at her friend. “Why not?”

“They’re not all asleep anymore,” the man said, looking at Magnus still.

She looked around at the other sleeping bodies until her eyes settled on Magnus. She smiled awkwardly.

“Hi,” she said, standing up.

Magnus sat himself up, able to do so because Alec had turned over in his sleep. Picking up Max, Magnus looked at the two strangers who had not moved. In all honesty, they didn’t look like they had been surviving in an apocalypse. The man had a beard, which was unsurprising but, other than that, they both looked relatively clean without many bags and their clothes were not ripped or bloody. It was quite the contrast to his group whose clothes were crusted with dried blood and whose faces were grubby with grime.

“You were all asleep,” Cat said. “We saw an opportunity-,”

“You were going to rob us?” Magnus asked, surprised that the others hadn’t woken up yet.

“You were all asleep,” the man repeated, his tone bored.

“So you were going to rob us?” Magnus asked again.

“It’s not the smartest idea to be asleep out here,” Cat said. “Surely you should know that.”

“You don’t know what we’ve been through.”

Cat went to say something but Emma woke up and looked at them both before she asked who the hell she was. What followed was a series of everyone else waking up, seeing the two strangers amongst them, and being more than confused, and a little angry. The two, even though sorely outnumbered, did not run.

“What the ever living hell do you want?” Jace asked.

“They were going to rob us,” Magnus said, setting Little Max down and letting him walk around to stretch his tiny legs.

“It’s the end of the world, you can’t blame a girl for trying to survive now, can you?” Cat said, turning her attention to Max for a moment with a smile on her lips before looking back towards Magnus.

“Where did you come from?” Jem asked, somehow still calm amongst it all.

“We’re just passing through,” Cat answered for the other seemed too bored to answer.

“How can you just be passing through?” This was Emma. “We’ve been travelling for days, there’s nothing around here.”

“Depends on which direction you came from. That way, it’s pretty quick passing through, we’re heading to the state border, it’s not that far. Wasn’t there a fire back that way? We saw it from where we were, which was quite a distance away.”

“Yeah, we were pretty much in it,” Jace said, his tone icy.

“Well, it’s good you got out,” Cat said and she went to stand by her friend’s side. “It was lovely meeting you-“

“Do you know where we are?” Emma asked.

Cat nodded.

“Do you know where the road is?”

“Yeah, but you don’t want to head that way. There’s a bunch of bandits set up, looking for people they can steal from. Not a good idea. You going somewhere in particular?”

For some reason, Magnus decided to just trust this people. Even though they had tried to rob them, it hadn’t been a malicious act, it was an act of survival and no one could blame them for that. They seemed honest enough, they were just two people trying to get by.

Some may have been wary around those who seemed so clean in such conditions, but Magnus got the feeling they were trustworthy. They weren’t there to kill and hurt them, they were passing through and that was that.

“We’re going to California. Is it far away?”

“Yeah, but not impossible to get to if you know the way.” Cat smiled a gentle smile and Magnus felt all of his anger towards her melt away. “Do you want us to help you? There’s better ways than the road.”

“We will kill you if you even hesitate on anything.” Kieran’s voice pierced through the nice moment.

Cat did not seemed at all bothered. “Of course. I wouldn’t expect anything different. My name’s Catarina, this is Ragnor. We’ll help you on your way.”

“Why?” Julian still wasn’t set on the idea. Considering most of the people he was with were his brothers and sisters, it seemed fair enough. Their safety was the most important thing in his eyes.

“Good people deserve good things, right?” Cat explained. “We’ve got nothing else to do, and we’ve gotten by. It’s not hard to help other people out, and Ragnor and I believe heavily in karma.”

They seemed decent enough, so they ate together, sharing their food with the two new additions to the group. If anyone saw their group from a distance, people would probably be quite intimidated. However, when they got closer and saw that half of them were under eighteen, they would feel a lot less threatened. Magnus hoped to Raziel that no one got close enough to see who their group consisted of.

Those who were unsure, mainly Jem and Tessa for they still seemed hopeful that they might see Will or the others again, were soon persuaded. Cat and Ragnor were nice enough and they were there to help. They looked well survived, clean and knowledgeable. They seemed their best bet.

Ty was very untrusting of the two of them, as was Kieran. However, with the others by their side, especially Kit and Mark, they were soon persuaded. That was the way it went for all of them, for the most part. They boded well for their survival and whatever was good for their survival would be what people kept to. Survival was all they cared about.

The two of them had been friends long before the apocalypse had started and had decided that, together, they would get through everything better. Once or twice they had been in towns, but they never lasted and so they decided not to trust them again.

Considering how well they had done so far without a town, it seemed to be working well for them. Since they didn’t have too many people to watch out for, it made them more dynamic and they could trust each other better. They moved faster across the world and didn’t get into any trouble because they were as fast as each other, not as an entire group of people.

For a sick moment, Magnus wished it had just been him and Alec surviving through the apocalypse. Sure, being with family was much more important, but Magnus couldn’t help but see how slow they were together. Having to make people agree with each other, that was one of the hardest parts of it, which seemed absurd.

But, if they were less of them like being a group with just Catarina and Ragnor, then things were somewhat easier. One didn’t have to worry about protecting more people. Alec, more than Magnus, was constantly looking out for the other members of his group. So, when they died, Alec took it harder than was fair on him. It wasn’t his fault that people died but sometimes he saw it that way, which broke Magnus’ heart.

Maybe being with family and friends made you feel better for a little while, but it didn’t help in the long run. Magnus could see that much now, with the way Alec was looking at the world after Isabelle’s death. Magnus hadn’t seen him smile since, even when Max was playing with his beard and pulling at his shirt. Before, that would have made Alec beam, but not now.

They had been living in the wilderness for too long and Alec taking everything to heart was not helping anyone. Not only did they have to change Max’s diaper in a world that didn’t have proper disposal systems, they themselves had to piss and shit in the middle of nowhere out in a world where anyone could just happen upon them.

They stank, they were covered in hair that didn’t help in the heat, and everything they owned was on their backs. With their clothes ripped beyond belief and the hair on their heads cut raggedly because they had to do it with knives, they looked a state. Their clothing was covered in blood and sweat and they couldn’t change because they had no more clothes to change into.

They hadn’t passed a stream or a pool of water, they were low on their own supplies, rationing in more than was healthy. They could literally feel the grime set into their very skin. There was no glamour in their lives, nothing that made them feel good or confident.

It was no easy life, living in a world that had very little to hope for. Alec was losing his hope, he was forgetting the good in the world. Their lives were terrible, but they had each other. They had to hold onto that so they could keep going, so they could live.

If something good came along, maybe Alec would smile again. Magnus needed Alec’s smile to be able to function. Without Alec being happy, Magnus didn’t know if he himself could be happy. Sure, not everything depended on Alec but a lot of it did. With Alec being his husband now, his best friend too, how could Magnus be happy if Alec wasn’t?

He would get him to smile, no matter what it took, Magnus would do it. It seemed an impossible feat, but he would do it. The world may have gone dark but Alec’s mind didn’t have to. Things went wrong, but they could get better again, Magnus needed to believe that and with everything he had, Magnus would get Alec to believe it too.


	20. Remember

> ****“Some roses grow through concrete. Remember that.”  
>  ― Brandi L. Bates, _Red Flags_

_Alec_

_Before_

_They roamed for months, only ever stopping during the night if they found somewhere stable. They were tired, exhausted beyond all points of exhaustion, but they kept going. They had seen the death that would happen if they stopped first hand and none of them wanted to experience it again._

_Alec had almost gone numb but he had the rest of his family to get him through it. Max, darling Max, didn’t understand it but he had carried on. He clung to Jace, and Alec desperately wished he would hug him, his blood brother instead, but Alec wanted to keep Max happy. If he was happy with Jace then Alec would let him be, even if it hurt his heart to see his brother want Jace more than he wanted him._

_They were settling into an abandoned shopping venue, one of the furniture shops that was broken through but otherwise safe. The sun was setting, the trees far off in the distance swaying against what felt like no wind at all. This was there life now, stopping and starting day in and day out._

_They were tired but they would keep going. Alec would keep going for his family, for his Magnus. These people needed him and he would be there for them. No matter how tired he got, he would be there for them._

_Setting up a fire in the middle of the shop, keeping it located in a bin, Alec started adding the kindling to keep it burning. Over the weeks, Alec had learnt survival skills he would have never thought he would have needed to know, like how to start a fire from nothing, and what colours of smoke were good and which ones were bad, and how to get water from trees. He should have learnt those from camping, not from living out in the apocalypse._

_They had hoarded a lot of cans and packets of food over the weeks and they had learned to ration well, but Max always wanted a little more. They gave him it, not wanting him to be skinny and ill but they couldn’t give him everything he wanted. They needed to keep safe and keeping up their supplies was a part of that._

_Max was sat between Jace and Clary as Jace was telling him stories about soldiers and great wars, Alec watching them with a heavy heart. Magnus brought a hand to Alec’s chin and brought his head around to face him._

_“What?” Alec asked, confused when Magnus didn’t say anything._

_“Where’s your head, darling?” Magnus asked quietly._

_“Not here.” Alec shrugged._

_“Where?” Magnus pressed._

_“When Max was born,” Alec said with a sigh. “He was so small and I remember mum letting me hold him. I had been too young to hold Izzy when she was born, but I got to hold Max and he looked up at me like I was the craziest thing he had ever seen. I think I fell in love with him right then and there, with his little being.”_

_“Why are you there? Why aren’t here?” Magnus asked, holding his hand._

_“Because then he went to Jace,” Alec said. “And he smiled for the first time in his life in Jace’s arms.”_

_Alec felt himself welling up. It wasn’t that he was jealous, as such, but… Well, maybe he was. He loved Max but he had to discipline him more than Jace ever had to. Alec wasn’t just his older brother, he was practically his parents, both of them considering how distant Maryse and Robert had been towards him._

_Seeing him be so close and loving towards Jace, it made Alec glad that he was happy but sad because he had never had that sort of relationship with him. They had their brotherly moments but Max always shared more with Jace and it made Alec a little broken-hearted._

_“He loves you, don’t you know that?” Magnus asked._

_“I don’t know. I guess I do know that, but I just feel like he doesn’t.” Alec sighed. “I don’t know, I just wish he loved me like that.”_

_“He does, I mean, maybe it’s in a different way, but he loves you. In a crisis, he always comes to you, right? You’re the one that looks after him, he knows you’d be there for him and that you’d make the decisions-,”_

_“But that’s what I do. I give orders and make decisions. I’m the one that tells him he can’t have any more food. I hate myself for it.”_

_“Darling, he loves you. He really, really loves you. You give him more guidance than the others, he loves you for that. There’s respect there.”_

_Alec shrugged, he wasn’t going to say anymore. He wanted so many things to change, to be different than they were. He wanted to be Max’s brother, not his parents as well. He wanted to show him how to ride a bike and how to play video games, not how to survive the apocalypse._

_They went to sleep that night, Magnus behind Alec as Alec pressed his back into Magnus’ chest, with the thoughts that Max might not love him like a brother still running through Alec’s head. They had blocked up the doors and windows so they went to sleep without someone keeping watch. It was probably dangerous, but they were just all so tired._

_Little did they know that Max would get up during the night because he needed to pee. Little did they know that Max would go into one of the back rooms to relieve himself so that he was away from the others. Little did they know that, inside one of these backrooms, a walker was locked in after being starved to death._

_Alec was sound asleep, dreaming about things he couldn’t comprehend. There was a lot of running, a storm brewing above him, sending the trees wild. The sky was dark, the wind nonstop. Leaves were thrust around as the rain began, hitting Alec but never making him wet. This was a dream and, in dreams, reality did not exist. Alec liked dreams for that reason._

_He was awoken long before the dream was over by gentle hands shaking his arm. It took him a while to realise someone was doing it, calling his name as he tried to get him to wake up. When he did, he blinked over and over again, trying to get reality to kick in._

_“Alec. Alec. Alec,” the little voice was calling over and over again._

_Alec shook his head awake, his vision blurry before everything came into focus. Max was in front of him, kneeling down and shaking Alec. Slowly, everything solidified as Alec raised his head._

_“What is it, Max?” Alec asked, his voice croaky from sleep._

_“Alec,” Max began, his voice smaller than Alec was used to. “My leg hurts.”_

_Alec rubbed at his eyes, sitting up. “Did you fall over?”_

_“No,” Max said._

_Blinking reality into focus, Alec opened his eyes again and focused on Max’s leg. It didn’t make sense for a moment; there was a lot of blood pouring down Max’s skinny leg, more than Alec thought was normal for a cut or a graze. Then he looked deeper and saw the fabric was ripped too, an odd tear that he couldn’t comprehend._

_“Max, what happened?” Alec asked, fear tightening his throat._

_“One of those things is in the backroom,” Max said, his voice quiet. “It bit me.”_

_“It did what?” Alec asked, his heart sinking, stopping in its place._

_“It bit me. I ran out, I shut the door. It’s in there. My leg hurts, Alec,” Max said._

_Alec told Max to sit down and pulled his leg onto his lap, surveying the injury. It was a deep wound, the skin ripped open and bleeding profusely. It was a bite and Alec knew what that meant. Alec didn’t know what to do, it felt surreal for only a moment but then he remembered this was Max and he needed to be in the moment, he couldn’t fade out._

_Alec roused Magnus who took a second to complain before he saw the situation in front of him and froze. Max hadn’t started crying but he was looking more and more fearful with every second that passed. He was in pain but he was too frightened to show it._

_“I-I-I-I-I-I d-d-d-don’t know what- what I should do,” Alec stuttered out._

_“Shit,” Magnus said and Max started shaking in fear._

_“G-get the others,” Alec said. “I’ll stay here.”_

_Magnus stood hurriedly and went to wake everyone up. Alec held onto Max’s hand, reassuring him that everything would be okay and Max trusted him but Alec didn’t believe his own words. Squeezing Max’s hand, it was more for Alec’s sake than Max’s. They couldn’t lose another person, it had been too much. The deserved more than this, Max deserved more._

_But people didn’t get more, people didn’t get what they deserved. They didn’t know how to help Max, they didn’t know how to make him better. There wasn’t any possible way to make him better. He got scared, he cried, and he hugged Alec tight as he got sicker and sicker._

_He lasted a few more hours, crying until he seemed to accept it. Without any other option, Alec stayed strong and the others did too. They had to help Max through it, they had to make him feel better._

_As he grew tired, they told him little stories, made him feel cheerful with memories and the like. He grew more light-hearted, but he didn’t forget. This wasn’t a nice evening, this was the time before he died, before he grew sick and didn’t recover. Alec ignored it, told him about the time Max fell down the stairs and giggled all the way down even though he cut his forehead, and Max laughed._

_Alec would hold onto the laugh for the rest of his life. Even when he had to dig the blade of his knife into his little brother’s skull, he kept that laugh in his memory. That laugh that he and no one else had caused in Max’s moment of death, that laugh was Alec’s and Alec would never let that go._

_After_

According to Catarina and Ragnor, they were almost across the border to Kansas. It was a relief to say the least. After walking solidly for almost four days, hearing that they were actually making progress was the best news they’d heard for a good long while. Alec, although he didn’t show it on his face, felt it within him.

They came close to the road, not close enough to be seen from it but close enough to see it for themselves. As Cat had said, there were little tents set up along it where bandits were, waiting to pounce on anyone that passed. If they had carried on walking, they would have collided with them and that would have lowered their already horrendous moods.

But now they were getting somewhere. Their goal still seemed out of reach, it was like trying to catch fog at this point, but if they could get nearer it perhaps it would solidify. What little hope Alec had left was kept purely because of that idea.

He still hadn’t really spoken since Isabelle’s death other than the few words here and there. He could tell Magnus was trying his hardest to keep him happy and he truly appreciated it, but there wasn’t much he could do about his emotional state. Everything was weighing him down and it was hard to see the good in the world when that was happening.

They were getting by and that was the main thing. With Magnus by his side and Jace and Clary with him too, Max in his arms, he would cope. Coping wasn’t the worst thing people could do.

But, if Alec was honest, he didn’t want to go towards the bunker. Sure, if it was there, it would be great and they would have something more secure than they had ever had before. But it was such a long way to travel on such little premise. It had given them a goal, but Alec didn’t want to go somewhere that wasn’t going to be there. They had been through so much and to get there to find that it was gone, that would destroy them.

He couldn’t break that to the others though. They all seemed so set on it, they all had their hearts set on this place that could bring them safety for the rest of their days. If that’s what the rest of them wanted, Alec would let them have it. There was no way for Alec to be selfish, not now.

“I have some razors, if you wanted them,” Ragnor said as they walked along, Ragnor by his and Magnus’ side. “I’ve gotten used to the beard, but I know some people haven’t.”

Alec, shocked by something that sounded so good, looked at Ragnor in awe. He could hear Magnus laughing beside him.

“I guess you’d like one then,” Ragnor said, quirking a smile before it disappeared again. He didn’t seem like the kind of person who liked smiling all that much.

“Please,” Alec said, not able to get much else out. His heart was still heavy, but this was a sliver of good news.

When they settled down for food, Ragnor passed him a razor but he didn’t have a reflective surface to shave himself with. Ragnor, who also had shaving cream, handed it to him and suggested that he get some help from someone he trusted since they were the kind of razors they used in barber shops.

So he asked Magnus, who was very happy to help even though he loved Alec looking like a rugged man. Since he was trying to keep Alec happy, he would do it no matter what, which Alec definitely appreciated because he wanted his beard to go, desperately.

Magnus first had to trim it down with the edge of a sharp knife before he coated his chin and jaw in the cream, not letting Alec do a thing. The razor cut close to his skin and against his neck which, if it were anyone else, Alec would have been fearful about, but not with Magnus. He held the back of his neck with care, his hand warm against the skin as he cut the hairs short, giving him the clean shaven look he loved.

It was the most intimate they had been in a long while. With being on the road for so long and Alec’s current state of emotion, they barely touched anymore. They weren’t growing a part, it was merely that the times didn’t allow for them to hold each other like they wanted to. Sometimes they held hands but it was the warmer season so it got too hot for even that.

Magnus rubbed the oil into his face once he was done, gently caressing him. He cupped his cheek afterwards and Alec looked at him, trying to smile but finding it tough. Instead, he kissed Magnus’ palm and watched him smile, his eyes sad.

Stumbling over, Little Max came and collapsed into Alec’s lap, bringing both of their attentions to him. He looked up at Alec, his blue eyes curious at his this new face he barely knew. His little hands reached up and pulled at the skin, feeling it out in curiosity.

Alec smiled at him, more than he had smiled over the past few days. Little Max could cheer him up, though Magnus had played a big part in that. If Max was okay and safe then Alec could cope, he could get by because he needed to; for Max.

Then Max coughed a little too hard and he sat down in Alec’s lap. Worried, Alec wrapped his arms around the little body to keep him steady and asked, “You okay, Maxie?”

Some of the others looked around, Catarina included. He stopped coughing, but she came over and sat next to Alec all the same.

“I was nurse before,” She said. “Do you want me to take a look at him?”

“Should we be worried?” Magnus asked.

“Oh, I doubt it,” Cat said, taking Max from Alec’s lap carefully. “It’s just to be safe.”

Almost everyone was watching. If anything happened to Max, they would all give up. He was the light of their lives, the future they clung onto. Keeping him safe was almost everyone’s priority, so focusing on him was what they all did, to make sure nothing was happening. If something was wrong, they would do all they could to rectify it.

Catarina started checking over Max, pressing her fingers over his heart and doing some other manoeuvres Alec didn’t understand. Everyone had gone relatively silent, though Alec knew he shouldn’t be worried. The world wouldn’t be that cruel.

When she finished, she gave Max back to Alec, and the toddler hugged into his chest, confused by this stranger checking him over. Alec handed him is bear to reassure him and Max took it, his eyes still wide. Everyone looked at Catarina with bated breath but she didn’t seem worried.

“I mean, I don’t have the proper equipment as you can all see, but it looks like it might just be a cold, as far as I can see. He’ll be okay, I wouldn’t worry,” Cat said with a smile.

There was a visible wave of relief over everyone, and Alec wrapped his arms tighter around his little body, keeping him warm because he was on the colder side. If anything were to happen to Max, Alec would probably go ahead and give up completely.

“Maybe give him some tablets if you can,” Cat suggested. “Crush them up if he can’t take them whole. Just to be on the safe side.”

After they struggled to do so because Little Max didn’t like their taste, they all ate and rested for a little longer before they moved on again. Once again, Max wanted to walk and, even though it would slow their already crawling pace, everyone agreed that they should let him. Even though it wasn’t much of a health scare for Max, it was enough to let him do what he wanted for a moment.

Magnus and Alec took one of his hand’s each, having to lean down quite a bit because he was so small. Every now and again, they would swing their arms, swaying him through the air and making him burst into a fit of giggles.

Everyone was feeling lighter even though they weren’t much closer to their goal that Alec felt was fading from them with every step. It seemed odd that, even though every step they were taking was technically getting them closer, Alec felt like they were getting further away, but that was the way his messed up mind thought after all. He didn’t have much control over it.

They crossed the border to Kansas and everyone seemed to buzz, Alec not included. Max was sleeping steadily in his arms as walking was very exhausting after all, and Alec clung to him just as much as Little Max clung to his chest. They needed each other.

Considering their success of crossing the border, everyone felt they deserved another rest but Cat and Ragnor said that, sometimes those people on the road would travel down and try to find those who strayed into Kansas. So they pressed on until nightfall. The warmth of the summer allowed them to travel easily at night, but they still got tired. Everyone did.

They should have made it further but, once again, their pace was too slow for their group was too big. Alec could see them all struggling but they were family and they wouldn’t give up. Every now and again, Alec wished he still had his family around but, considering how much they had struggled so early on, Alec was glad they were in smaller numbers in terms of his own family. It might have been a sick thought, but Alec’s mind was sick. He couldn’t help it.

Once they settled, Alec gave Max to Kieran who loved him a lot, and sat next to Magnus, resting his head on Magnus’ shoulder. He felt bad that he had been relying on Magnus so much, but he simply didn’t have the energy to be Magnus’ rock. Something was draining him and it felt like the ambiguity of their goal. He knew Magnus needed him, that he was suffering but Alec almost felt like a ghost to the world now.

Always being able to tell when something was on his mind, Magnus asked him quietly what was going on. So much of Alec was telling him not to say anything. Everyone felt so set on this goal, so set on this possibility of hope and if Alec was responsible for tearing it down, he could never forgive himself.

But Magnus always told him to speak his mind. Everyone’s intuition meant something and, even though Alec put the safety and cares of his family before his own, he knew he should talk up. When Max coughed as Kieran talked to him, Alec felt an urge to speak up, almost as if Max’s cold was the spurt he needed in order to talk about everyone’s safety.

“I don’t think we should go to Zachariah’s,” Alec said so only Magnus could hear him.

“How come?” There was no judgement in Magnus’ voice, no concern like Alec thought there would be.

“I just don’t want to be disappointed when we get there. It’s been years since these guys have heard from him. We can’t handle this level of disappointment again. Not after everything,” Alec said, his voice thick and his heart heavy.

“But it’s the only thing we’ve got.”

“I know, but I’m worried about Max, I won’t lie. Being out here without any sure protection, I just don’t think it’s best for him. I think, if we can, we should find somewhere that’s closer to where we are now. It’s so far to California, I don’t know if we could all make it.” Alec rubbed at his temples, the oncoming headache strong.

“Okay,” Magnus said.

Alec looked up to him. “Okay what?”

“We’ll find somewhere closer,” Magnus said. “I know it’s not down to just me and you, but your family, they’ll listen to you. If you’re having doubts, they’re not going to force you to go on.”

Alec didn’t quite know what to say. If he was honest, Alec thought Magnus was going to try and convince him otherwise. Alec thought that, if he voiced his fears, Magnus would take them away from him, make him see the good in what they were doing.

And yet he hadn’t, he had just gone along with what Alec was thinking without even voicing his own thoughts. Perhaps he just wanted to keep Alec happy and Alec wasn’t going to blame him for it, but he didn’t want Magnus to protect him like this. If Magnus thought they should go on, Alec wanted him to say it.

“If you don’t think we should change course, don’t try and make me feel better by just agreeing with me,” Alec said, his voice harsher than he had expected it to be.

“Why would you think I’m doing that?” Magnus asked, his brow furrowed.

“That’s just what it feels like. If you want to keep going and you’re just agreeing with me for the sake of making me feel good, don’t. I don’t want that.”

Alec wasn’t entirely sure where this doubt in Magnus was coming from. Being out in the world, it wasn’t good for any of them. Without a sense of security, doubts crawled their way into peoples' minds about the kind of things that no one should ever doubt. Alec, although having some doubts about Magnus because he had cheated on him, had no reason to doubt him now.

But he was. There was this darkness in the back of his mind, this confusion. Where it was coming from, Alec had absolutely no idea. Things seemed to be getting harder and Alec’s mind played a part in being the culprit. It was stupid, incredibly stupid and unfair, but there was nothing Alec could do to stop that.

“Alexander, that’s not what I’m doing,” Magnus said, his voice stern.

“Then tell me why you don’t you want to go? You seemed set on the idea a few minutes ago.”

“Because you don’t want to.” Magnus shrugged his shoulders as if Alec was being unreasonable. And he was, Alec knew it, but he couldn’t stop it.

“That’s not a good enough reason.”

“Alec, I think you need to sleep,” Magnus said. “I’m not your enemy here, I’m your husband. What’s the problem with agreeing with you because of that?”

“Because that’s not a reason. That’s just an agreement.” Alec knew he was being totally unfair but he didn’t know how to stop.

Magnus cupped Alec’s face with his hands. “What’s the matter with you?”

Alec tried to look away but he couldn’t, Magnus’ grip was too strong.

“Seriously, why are you being like this?” Magnus asked.

“I don’t know,” Alec mumbled. “I’m just tired.”

“You don’t have to take it out on me,” Magnus said, his hands loosening against his cheeks but not moving from their spot. “I’m here for you, to help you, not to make you doubt me.”

There was another little cough from Max, and both Magnus and Alec glanced towards him. There was still a smile on his face, implying that he wasn’t at all affected by his cold or whatever it was that he had. Of course, why would he be? He was just a child, he didn’t know the worries of the world or even why his fathers were worrying about him. He was just happily sat on Kieran’s lap, tugging at his deeply coloured hair.

Then Alec knew he was being selfish. If people wanted to go, then how could he stop them? Sure, Magnus might be agreeing with him but that didn’t mean he wanted to go. Alec was probably worrying about Max for no reason. His sick mind was overthinking things, as per usual.

He settled himself down against Magnus again, Magnus being oddly reluctant to wrap his arms so readily around his husband. But, once he did, Alec rested his head against Magnus’ shoulder, feeling cold all of a sudden towards him. Sometimes, Alec hated his own mind and the way it made him think.

“We should keep going,” Alec said, bitterly.

“No,” Magnus said. Then, in a louder tone so he could ask the others, Magnus said, “You guys seem to know the land, are there any towns or anything like that around here, Cat, Ragnor?”

“What are you doing?” Alec asked Magnus.

“I want to know if there is anywhere else we might be able to rest or stay in, that’s all,” Magnus answered, without looking at Alec.

“Are you having doubts about Zachariah?” Tessa asked, her face becoming plain with concern.

“No,” Magnus answered. “I’m just thinking, with Max being so little and so unprepared to battle this world out here without the proper protections like vaccines and jabs and all that, is it fair on him? He’s so little, can we really force him through more states, not knowing exactly where we’re going or how much longer we’ll be travelling?”

Everyone went silent, mulling over Magnus’ worries. Alec, however was wondering why Magnus was taking the blame for what Alec had literally just said. Maybe ‘taking the blame’ wasn’t the right way to phrase it, but if it backlashed then that’s what it would be and they would all think Magnus was the one who was falsely concerned, not Alec.

If this was what husbands did, Alec had never thought it. Surely they should both be talking to the group, asking them what they should do. But no, Magnus was speaking solely, without Alec by his side.

Perhaps this was his way of telling Alec that he had no cause to doubt him. It felt a little drastic Alec couldn’t help but think, but hey, this world caused people to be dramatic and drastic. Alec wanted to voice his own worries, but everyone seemed so set on Magnus being the cause of their concerns, they barely even saw Alec right beside him.

“There are a few towns, a few safe places,” Cat said after she watched the others. She didn’t really have a part in this group. Both she and Ragnor had said that, if they got to Zachariah’s safe haven, they would not go inside. They claimed that they had no part in it and wanted no part in relying on others for safety. “Of course, they’re about as safe as the people inside. Some of them, I wouldn’t go near if you paid me in bullets, but a few of them are trustworthy.”

“But you wouldn’t join them?” Kieran asked. He was ever the doubter, Alec thought.

“We’ve said it before, we don’t do towns. We did once, but they fall apart or you have to be a part of this bigger scheme of things. Ragnor and I like to do our own thing.”

“And,” Ragnor added. “If you do something wrong, it’s not only yourself that worries, but the entire community. In all honesty, I feel as though they’re as safe, if not less so, than the world outside. People are not to be trusted.”

“I mean, if you want to be a part of a town, there’s nothing wrong with that,” Cat reconciled. “It’s just not our thing.”

“But there’s somewhere we could go?” Magnus asked.

“What do you mean by, ‘we’?” Kieran asked.

Alec watched as Magnus looked at him and shrugged. “I mean, whoever wants to join Max, Alec, and I to a town.”

“Wait, we’re not going?” Clary asked.

“I don’t think it’s reasonable for us to go anymore,” Magnus said, basically taking Alec’s words and voicing them himself. “Not until Max is older and ready to make the journey.”

It brought on a debate that seemed to last for hours. Emma and her group were saying constantly that it wasn’t that far and that they could make it if they just made more ground over the day. That sort of thing was countered by Magnus saying that they couldn’t cover more ground if they tried, otherwise they would just end up killing themselves.

It made Alec feel guilt more than anything else. If he had just stayed quiet, they could have all slept and carried on. The trees around them were swaying precariously against the hot summer wind and Alec wondered if they were going to fall. If they fell, then they could concentrate on something other than the impossibility of travelling to somewhere safe.

Every time Magnus mentioned that they were other places they could wait in for a little while, just to make sure Max was better, Emma would say that, the longer they took to get to Zachariah’s, the more opportunity that it would fall without them. Then Jace would say that, since they’ve already taken so many years to get there, what’s a few more months?

They went round and round in circles and Alec felt like his mind was being driven wild. He was tired, his mind more so than it had been in a long while and he coveted more than anything for them to just come to some sort of agreement. Anything would make Alec feel better.

There were doubts in both groups now, Alec could see it. Some of the younger members like Dru and Tavvy seemed to want to go with Max, but Emma said that they couldn’t go with Max if they were splitting up. Then Cristina said it would be stupid to split up because numbers were so key. Diego would agree with Cristina, but Kieran would say they’ve been travelling for so long, it would be idiotic to give up.

Clary and Jace said that safety in numbers meant a town, surely? Cat and Ragnor would counter that argument and suddenly they would be back at the beginning. Alec just wanted to sleep. Tessa and Jem stayed silent, watching everything unfold before them. Sometimes, Alec saw them mentioning something to each other, but never to the group. In all honesty, everyone could have used their solid council but they didn’t seem ready to give it.

Decisions, there was never a right one. It was a mess, it always was. One wrong turn, and it was their demise for sure. What was worse was that they could never tell which turn was the wrong one. They made so many decisions, how was it possible to know which one was the cause of their downfall?

They all went to sleep that night without any form of clarity in their minds. None of them knew what the morning would bring. Would they all continue in their direction or would they turn away and find somewhere more secure? Alec didn’t know and his throbbing head didn’t help. It led to a restless night and Alec dreamt of fire and blood. He hoped foreshadowing only played a part in novels and films, not in real life.

The next morning was boiling, Alec found himself sweating from the second he woke up, beading at his forehead in heavy droplets. When he sat up, his shirt clung to his hot body, wet with sweat and his jeans were the same, uncomfortable with how claustrophobic it felt.

Some of the others were already awake but none of them were in a state of happiness. Whether that was because of the issues last night or because of the weather, Alec didn’t know and he couldn’t bring himself to care; the sun was too hot, evaporating all the clouds from the sky and it meant that today would not be a good day for travelling.

Alec picked Max up from where he was sleeping between him and his husband, finding him oddly chilly. That was a cold for you, Alec guessed. Perhaps he clung to that more than he guessed because any other news on that sort of thing making it worse than a cold would have brought Alec down more than he cared to say. He didn’t think about it.

There was a distinct lack of chatter as everyone else awoke. Even though they had been living in the apocalypse, they had found some happiness before. When they went hours without seeing a walker, they rejoiced. They hadn’t seen one since yesterday, but there was no rejoicing. Instead, they were rather silent.

Even when Magnus woke, Alec did not find himself in the mood for chatting to him. For some reason, over the space of a few hours, Alec had found himself blaming Magnus for what they were going through and he couldn’t find a cause for it. A lot of the time, that was just the way it was; you blamed those closest to you because they were the only ones _to_ blame. Magnus, Alec’s dearest love and the man he cared for above all else, was now the man Alec was blaming for their lack of safety and he wished he didn’t but wishing didn’t do an awful lot.

“Dada,” Little Max said, gently patting Alec’s face that was dotted with stubble again. “I’m hungry, Dada.”

“Okay, Max, I’ll get you some food,” Alec said and, before he moved, Magnus brought out a can of sliced pears and handed it to Alec. “Thanks,” Alec said shortly, not in a loving manner whatsoever. _Why am I being like this?_

Magnus and Alec took a few pieces each from the can, as well as letting Max take his own pieces. Once, they brushed hands and Alec pulled away instantly, averting his gaze from Magnus who looked at him with sadness and confusion. Little Max was oblivious, munching on his pears and making his hands sticky.

“We’re going to go to that military base that Cat was talking about,” Magnus said, breaking their silence.

“Fine,” Alec said.

“You’ve got nothing to say about it? No questions about the decision?” Magnus asked.

Alec could hear the exasperation in his voice and, if he would have looked at his eyes, he would have seen the exhaustion too. He was trying his best and Alec really wanted to give him credit, but his voice wouldn’t let him. It was as though blaming Magnus for everything was becoming a setting in his brain that he couldn’t switch off.

Alec merely shrugged. This was unlike him, to be so offish and hating, but the world had changed and so had the people in it. What could he do but allow the change to happen? Hopefully Magnus would be able to see passed it, perhaps Alec would snap out of it, but who knew.

“Fine,” Magnus said, standing and going to tell Clary, Jace, Jem, and Tessa about their decision.

Eventually, it became clear that the group would be splitting up. When it came to it, they would be saying goodbye and they would not meet again, not in this world. There was a heaviness weighing down Alec’s heart but they had said goodbye to so many people, it just felt like that was the way it was. It didn’t weigh him down as much as it once would have.

Their walk was quiet, the youngest members looking around sadly at their new friends that would soon become memories, and the adults did the exact same too. Alec had come to like Mark and Kieran very much, and Julian was very sweet. Ty and Livia were intelligent and inseparable, Cristina and Diego were rather adorable together, Diana always knew best. In fact, Alec liked them all and would miss them all terribly. Except for Jaime, Alec really didn’t like Jaime.

But other than that, these people had led Alec and his family in the right direction, helped them through a tough time. Sure, they had started the fire that separated them from Will and the others, but times changed and people had to move along with them. Maybe the numbers had made the survival even tougher, but they had gotten by, they had gotten through it. It was difficult, but they were still living, they hadn’t perished yet.

People entered their lives and then left, sometimes they were there for a long time, and sometimes they weren’t. All you had to do, in fact all you _could_ do, was keep their memory safe and not let them fade from your mind. Sometimes it was tough, sometimes you forgot the sound of their voice or their smile, but if you could just remember, then it would all be okay. That was how people made their life okay.

It wasn’t easy but there was so little people could do to stop it. Life moved on at such an incredible pace, if you fell behind, you were the one to blame. Keeping up, keeping going, that was the task everyone was faced with, and that was life. If you got left behind, then so be it.

When they reached the path that diverged, not a literal one but a directional one, they had to split off. Alec hugged the others, well the ones he felt it would be appropriate to hug, and let Little Max do the same. The toddler was happy to receive so much attention for he had no idea what was actually happening. He tugged Kieran’s hair in glee, and Alec swore he saw a tear in Kieran’ eye.

“You stay safe,” Emma said, a sad smile on her lips. “And keep him safe too,” she said as she pinched Max’s cheek who squealed excitedly.

“You better keep him safe,” Kieran said.

“I think we will,” Alec said, trying a smile at Kieran, whose features softened. “We need to really.”

They were about to part when Tessa said, “We’re going to go with you.” She directed her words to Emma and Julian.

“What?” Magnus asked.

“Sorry, but it’s just, I think it’d be better for us,” Tessa said, her eyes sad.

“Why?” Magnus sounded heartbroken and Alec, instead of feeling sorry for him, despised the vulnerability he was showing.

“After losing Will and Cece and… everyone,” Jem said. “I think this last ditch chance for hope is what’ll get us through the day. We’re sorry to leave it so last minute, but hey, we didn’t really know if we were going to do it or not until a minute or so ago.”

“That’s fine,” Clary said, smiling. “Everyone has to do what’s best for them. There’s no hard feelings.”

“If, on the off chance, you see Will or any of them, send them to us,” Tessa said, smiling more brightly now. “You know, just in case.”

“Of course.”

“You guys stay safe,” Tessa said, hugging them all in turn, Jem following suit.

Alec felt his heart being wrenched out of his chest when he hugged them both, Max still in his arms. Tessa kissed his cheek and apologised again but Alec told her not to worry. Inside his heart, he was begging them to stay, though he didn’t know why. They got on with Magnus and, since Alec felt himself falling from Magnus’ grip, he wished they would stay to keep him happy.

Without them, Alec didn’t know what to do. He felt as though he had lost touch with Magnus, as though he no longer knew him or how to make him happy. If Tessa and Jem left, what would he do? How would he keep him the same man that he was?

The answer, in all honesty was, he couldn’t. With all of these goodbyes, Alec was slipping further and further away from the world. He gave the new people in his life one last look before turning away and following Cat and Ragnor in a completely different direction. This was it, the last time he ever saw Kieran or Mark or Tavvy or Dru or Diego or Kit or any of them.

They walked a different path now, one far away from where they were heading. Once, Alec would have been reassured by Magnus’ presence by his side but, strangely, Alec felt as though he were walking alone. With Magnus by his side, he felt lonelier than ever and, even though he hoped that would change soon, he knew it probably wouldn’t. Hope, what was that worth anymore?


	21. Catastrophic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a little later than usual, I got caught up in Christmas things.
> 
> So, for anyone who celebrates Christmas, Merry Christmas to you, Happy Holidays to anyone else, and if you don't celebrate it at all, I hope you're having a great day anyway. Unfortunately, this chapter isn't really in the spirit of Christmas, it's a little dark, but I didn't want to miss an upload.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it despite that, and I'll see you all again on New Year's Day x

> “I’m lonely. And I’m lonely in some horrible deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.”  
>  ― Augusten Burroughs, _Dry_

_Magnus_

The journey to the military base was taking longer than Magnus thought it was meant to. Well, actually he had hoped it would be a short journey, but, three days in, Magnus was still desperately yearning for it to appear on the horizon. But it wasn’t.

Each hour that passed, Alec seemed to hate Magnus more. Magnus had no clue what was going on with him, but he was distancing himself constantly. With absolutely no idea what was happening or how to stop it, Magnus was coveting that a safer home might make him happier, but he had no idea that it would.

Alec was holding Max more than Magnus, purely because Alec wouldn’t really let Magnus hold him. Continuously, Max was coughing more and more but Catarina said that kids got sick all the time and they just needed to eat and be warm. And Alec, because of his mourning for his sister, clung to Max as if he was the answer to all of his problems.

If Magnus could have, he would have helped Alec bear the weight of his sister’s memory and look after his son too, but Alec wasn’t letting him. So what could he do but watch as Alec drifted away?

Without the others, Magnus felt strangely empty. Their group had been so large and now it was diminished to barely any. With them gone, quite a bit of their motivation was lost but the prospect of a warm bed was keeping them in high hopes, to an extent of course.

Cat and Ragnor had told them that this military base was wary of new people, but that they did take people in. They weren’t evil or corrupt or anything of that sort, and Magnus trusted their word. As long as they got somewhere safe to be, Magnus would be glad and relieved soon enough.

If they could only get there before they all passed out from clinging to hope, that would be grand. Like, really, very grand. In fact, it might make them all happier, might make their lives less catastrophic and Alec might forgive Magnus for whatever it was that he had done. It was as though, despite visibly seeing the land pass, they weren’t getting anywhere. Each day brought new sights but they never felt any closer to their goal. Perhaps they should have gone with Emma.

Every now and again, Magnus thought about turning back and trying to follow Emma and Julian, but the others were walking forward without looking back. Since they were doing that, Magnus kept hope that they could get there eventually, as intact as possible. Sometimes Magnus just wanted to curl up and die, but he had to keep going, mainly for Alec who seemed to hate him.

The sun was beginning to set on another boiling day and everything was starting to cool down finally. He continued with Cat and Ragnor, who he had come to know well, and he liked them a lot.

After learning so much about them, he realised he was going to miss their company when they decided to part ways. This new world didn’t typically allow for you to meet new people you got along with. Sure, you could meet a bunch of people but very rarely did you get along with them and make good friends with them for any other reason than survival. Cat and Ragnor were great people and Magnus wished they weren’t going to leave.

Especially with Alec being so offish towards him for what seemed like no reason. Of course, Magnus couldn’t quarrel with him about it but he really wanted to know what was going on. Sometimes people got mad and they took it out on those closest to them, but Magnus didn’t think that was going to happen now when your loved ones were the only thing you had.

Magnus thought it best to leave him be for the time being. If he had time to mull everything over, maybe he could calm down and not hate Magnus anymore. That would be nice. They could move on in peace after that. Magnus really wanted that considering their current circumstance.

Night settled upon them slowly and they didn’t stop until darkness consumed them. With it being considerably cooler during the night, clouds began to form, breaking up the dark sky and masking the stars. As Magnus settled down, he tried to count the stars to try and clear his mind for Alec settled himself further away than usual, so far Magnus was not even able to hold him or touch him. His heart was splintering but he told himself that Alec was tired and needed space.

They all needed space. These people may have been the people they loved and would die for, but being around the same people constantly for so long, it could be too much. Even the people you loved the most could get on your nerves and Magnus appreciated that. He just hoped that Alec could learn to love him again.

Thankfully, Cat was taking the watch that night, waking Jace when it came to it so Magnus could sleep. Well, he could _attempt_ to sleep. With everything running through his mind like it was, sleep didn’t exactly come easy. What little sleep he could get he was thankful for. Any rest he could give his mind was a blessing.

His dream this time was worse than ever. Alec wasn’t just a few feet in front of him, running through the sea of dead bodies, he was what felt like miles away. When he got to the point where Alec slipped over the edge of the horizon, it felt like an age before he reached the ledge. As he looked over, Alec was nowhere in sight and Magnus was looking down into oblivion, a desolate area of death and destruction and nothingness.

Because he wasn’t trying to catch Alec from falling, Magnus’ didn’t awake with a start like he usually would have. He opened his eyes slowly to feel the heat of the sun baring down on him, making him sweat and boil as if he were a kettle on the verge of screaming. Inside, he felt like that too and Alec, who would be able to calm him down, was far away.

Just a few metres away, Alec was sat up bouncing Little Max on his knee as he giggled in joy. It warmed his heart for a moment, and Magnus tried to forget the reality of the situation. For a second, they were living a normal life without the worries of the dead.

But then reality smacked into him hard and he sat up, seeing the world in which he had awoken. It was a desolate world of death and emptiness. He sighed but stood all the same, wiping down his old clothes that were horribly crusted with blood. Since it was the end of the world, everyone’s noses had grown accustom to the way everyone smelt like death, but sometimes Magnus yearned for clean clothes and a hot shower to smell good, as he was sure they all did.

They ate what little they had left, knowing that their rations would not last much longer, and went to get up but were halted by Cat and Ragnor who told them to wait a moment. It did not bode well and they all knew that, but they sat again and waited, knowing what was coming.

“This is where we leave you,” Cat said.

They had known it was coming, Cat and Ragnor had said that they didn’t want to get too close, which sounded a lot more ominous than it actually was, because they had plans to go another way. Magnus had known that they were going to leave and that they would not be with them forever, but he had hoped. Hope didn’t always mean everything.

No one countered them because they knew it was the way it had to go. Choices were limited, in fact, they didn’t even have a choice. This was the way it was going to go whether Magnus wanted it to or not.

When they said their goodbyes, Magnus almost teared up. Part of it was because he was going to miss them and they had helped their group navigate the land, but it was also because Magnus felt a sudden tremendous amount of fear. Without them, what did they really have? A group that was falling apart at the seams. What good was that?

They all hugged, Magnus slightly tighter than the others, and Cat and Ragnor told them to follow the line of trees on the horizon and, once they were past that, the military base should be within view. Before they left, they gave Alec another razor which he took with a smile. It was the first time Alec had smiled since they brought up the issue of not following Emma and it hurt Magnus more than anything.

Magnus couldn’t make his boyfriend smile. Practical strangers could make Alec smile by giving him a razor, and Magnus couldn’t. It seemed unfair and Magnus hated the world for its cruelty. There was very little he could do about it, so he just cursed the world and moved on.

Things went downhill fast after Catarina and Ragnor left, like faster than Magnus would have thought possible, even in the apocalypse. Most of the time, Magnus wanted to tell them all to turn around and try and find Cat or Emma or someone, but they had come too far and turning back was not going to help them.

Max, after eating, coughed food up onto his shirt and he started crying so, in an effort to please him, they changed his clothes. After they took off Little Max’s shirt, Magnus spotted the small red dots spotting over his side and spreading to his chest. No one had noticed Max scratching at himself but he had started to the second his shirt was off.

“Do babies get rashes with colds?” Jace asked, the four of them all near Max who looked up at them with a smile.

No one answered for none of them knew. None of them had had kids or knew much about them at all. If only Catarina hadn’t left, they could ask her.

“Should we go and find Catarina?” Clary asked.

“Aren’t we closer to the military base?” Alec said. “Cat and Ragnor are getting further away and we can’t track them. I think we should just continue.”

There were some short mumbles of agreements and Alec put another Babygro on his son before pulling him up and setting him on his hip.

“Anything hurt, Max?” Alec asked and everyone waited in anticipation.

“My head, Dada,” Max said, but he smiled all the same. “It hurts.”

“You have a headache huh?” Alec nodded along. “Okay, has anyone got any acetaminophen?”

Clary pulled some out from her pack and let Max have some who didn’t really want to take it but, after some encouragement from his fathers, he did. Then they had a decision to the make: do they keep going to the military base where they might have a doctor, or do they try and find Catarina who actually was a nurse and would know what was up, most likely?

One would lead to surety and safety and walls, and would seem like the best answer. But, the other way would bring them to people they trusted and people that could help for sure. Well, they couldn’t help for sure but they would know what to do better than Magnus and the others.

They could take time to make their decision, but then Max coughed again and, although it wasn’t all that serious and although it didn’t sound all that dangerous, it made them speed up their decision. They decided to carry on towards the base at a faster pace than they had previously been travelling.

They didn’t eat a lot, which didn’t help them. They got exhausted quickly and with the sun bearing down on them, they should have been drinking and eating more but their desperation to get Max somewhere safe was bigger. They didn’t know if anything was wrong really, but the mere chance, that was enough to panic them.

But the very fact that they were trying to go faster made them go slower because they weren’t eating. Little Max was oblivious, enjoying the ride as it were, giggling away as he pulled at Alec’s hair. Magnus wanted to take the weight of Max from Alec but Alec seemed more attached to him than before. There was little he could do.

They reached the treeline a lot quicker than they had previously anticipated but they did not see the military base on the horizon like Catarina had said. The four of them stopped, searching the entire horizon line and seeing nothing but more trees and hills rolling across the land.

There was no way Cat would have lied to them, right? Magnus didn’t believe that, not after they had come so far with them. Perhaps they had just miscalculated the distance. That thought would have been more hopeful if it weren’t for the fact that they were trying to get there at haste because of Max. If they had miscalculated and they had longer to go, then that was not helping them at all.

So what the hell did they do? What was their next step? Did they carry on and hope that they came across what Cat had told them, or did they do something else? And if it was the latter, what was the next step? Magnus felt like passing out because of how many questions he had.

Everyone else was apparently going through the same thing because they were all searching desperately for any hint of their promised safety, and it wasn’t there. They had taken a complete level of silence, except for Max who was mouthing at Alec’s shirt and making baby noises.

“What the hell do we do now?” Jace asked.

There was no answer. No one knew.

What were they going to do? Where could they turn, where could they go? To Magnus, it almost felt like the end of the road, as if they had finally reached the end of their pitiful rope. Part of Magnus was telling him to give up. They’d come this far, so let’s just stop. Give up, die here, might as well now, right?

Before Magnus knew what was happening, it was night. They had spent the hours of the day going up and down the treeline, trying to spot something in the distance that just wasn’t there. Night time fell and they gave up. There was so much of their being that told them they had to keep going, but they had not treated their bodies right and they physically could not go on.

Not only was his body exhausted, his mind was too, to an extreme. Alec was barely even looking at him and he hadn’t let go of Max at all. Magnus wanted to hold his son but Alec was clinging to him desperately, and Magnus would have probably had to pry the little body from his grip to do so. If Alec needed him, Magnus was not going to take him away, but Magnus too felt like he needed his son with him and, without him, Magnus felt empty.

Or perhaps that was just Alec because was being so distant. Alec settled himself against a tree and Magnus almost went to sit by him but Alec’s eyes had hazed over and Magnus didn’t want to pressure him to sit with him if he didn’t want it, not if it would make him worse. It was almost as if the depression was settling over him visibly and Magnus could do nothing but watch. It nauseated him because he wanted to help his husband and he couldn’t.

Clary was to take the first watch and then wake Alec afterwards, but none of them were all that sure they could sleep. With Max weighing heavily on their minds, how were they going to sleep soundly? They didn’t know if he was even that sick, but the fact that he could have been meant their hearts were as heavy as their minds.

Magnus wanted nothing more than for everything to stop and give them a break. If they were living before, they could take a day off work, even a week and go on holiday somewhere nice and hot. They could relax their minds with a hot bath or a good book, or something that didn’t make them tenser.

Now, there was none of that. There was no such thing as a break. If they had something good, it was only a matter of time before something happened and it ended. If you wanted to just get away, it had to be to your happy place and not a reality, there were no holidays in reality anymore. No one had enough time to relax and read and bathe.

The only way Magnus could fall asleep that night was if he thought about a nice hot bath. He thought about his tense skin being warmed as it soaked in the gorgeous heat of the water, relaxing his muscles. If he imagined hard enough, he could almost feel it, the way it lapped at his skin, warming his cold body and licking at his taut muscles, freeing him of all the tension.

Then he imagined all the bubbles, the way they would crackle and pop lightly if he listened close enough. Perhaps there could be candles and gentle music playing from the bathroom stereo, something calm and soothing to the ears, maybe whale sounds even. Magnus wouldn’t have to pay attention to anything but the relaxation of his environment.

In a perfect world, Alec would be there with him. Magnus would have his arms around his husband or former boyfriend if he was thinking about before. Both of their bodies would be hot against each other, wet and making them fit like puzzle pieces.

Their breathing would be synced, their bodies practically melting together. Perhaps they would be talking lightly or maybe even just sat in a wonderful silence, the sound of each other’s breathing all they needed as some sort of melody, fitting perfectly with the music from the stereo somehow.

They would be clean and healthy and warm. Alec would be clean shaven like he liked, Magnus could have been waxed of hair the way he wanted. They wouldn’t be grubby, they wouldn’t be dirty or covered in grime. They would be perfectly warm and clean and wonderful. Nothing would be dirty, nothing would be bad. They would have their bath, the steam rising to fill the room, and each other. That was all he needed. All _they_ needed.

Maybe that didn’t make sense to anyone else, but it made sense to Magnus. In this perfect world that could be imagined as something of before, everything fit together. Nothing could be wrong about this image Magnus had conjured. It was sheer perfection, Magnus with Alec’s body resting against his chest and the warm water and the music, it was everything Magnus needed to forget the world they were living in.

In this very romantic picture, Magnus could kiss his boyfriend’s cheek or his neck, his wetted lips making it sloppy but no less romantic. He could touch Alec and hold him and tell him how beautiful he was just to get Alec’s cheeks flaring up in a thousand shades of pink and red.

Alec would rest the back of his head in the crook of Magnus’ neck, his wet hair tickling slightly but Magnus could ignore it with Alec’s presence being all he needed. When he laughed, it would vibrate through Magnus’ body, giving him shivers despite the warmth of his being and Alec’s.

Magnus could trace his hands over Alec’s gorgeous porcelain skin, feeling his body and savouring every second they were there together. He learnt his body in a completely different fashion, their comfortability rising with every second that passed. Magnus loved his body more and more every time he saw it.

Every now and again, one of them would say ‘I love you’ to hear it repeated back almost instantly. This was their perfection, this was all they needed after a tough day or if they just wanted to be together in their basest form.

In drifting off to sleep with this image of perfection in his mind, Magnus could forget the reality. He forgot about his troubles and thought only of the wonderful elements of a perfect bath with his perfect husband.

But forgetting was not good and, for only a moment, he forgot why he should be worried about the sound of a violent coughing waking him up.


	22. We Have to Decide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A forewarning, this is a very dark chapter. I won’t spoil it, but I’m trying to give fair warning without spoilers, though I’m sure a lot of you can guess what’s about to happen anyway. It was a tough one to write, so please, I insist that everyone read with caution. Also, a trigger warning for self-harm in this chapter. I promise, happier things are coming. I hope everyone had a great New Year's and that 2017 brings you everything you want x

 “I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

> "So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”  
>  ― J.R.R. Tolkien, _The Fellowship of the Ring_

_Alec_

Alec was no longer seeing the world in colour. It had all faded and he saw only in black and white. What good was there to see? Was there any? Alec certainly couldn’t find it no matter how hard he tried. Considering his current circumstance, he didn’t try all that hard anyway but even if he had, he wouldn’t have found any.

Especially not after waking up from Max coughing so violently in his ear. It was a couple of hours before Clary was going to wake him up for his watch so it was considerably dark still, at the darkest point of the night during the summer. Thankfully, Alec could make out the figures and shadows because of the moon but that didn’t help the situation.

The rash had spread across Little Max’s body, exposing itself across his hands and, when Alec unbuttoned the Babygro, across his entire chest as well. He couldn’t stop coughing, he only did to breathe and then he coughed again.

For a moment, Alec thought that was the only problem, but then he touched his forehead and he was boiling, like fire. His breathing was going mad when there was a pause in his coughing and there were tears down his little chubby cheeks but he wasn’t sobbing because his throat was preoccupied with coughing.

Alec had no idea what to do, he had never dealt with anything like this before. The only thing that came close was when Max, his brother, had had the flu and Alec made him soup and kept him warm so he could sweat it out. Back then though, they had medicines and doctors and vaccines.

There was nothing of that ilk now. They had nothing, there was no way to help, no way to cure him. Alec felt so helpless and all he wanted to do was help. Why the ever living fuck was life this hard?

“Have we got anything to give him?” Alec asked, desperate as he looked at the other three who were all awake and watching Little Max’s little body jerk as he coughed.

“Yeah, yeah, get some water for him, I’ve got these,” Clary said, rooting through her sack and pulling out some more pain relief pills that Max could have.

Alec got a bottle of water and sat Max up which was a lot harder than it should have been because of Max’s coughing and jerking. They managed to get him to drink and take the pills and it lessened his coughing slightly. Eventually it would bring down his fever and perhaps his rash too, but would it save him from whatever was plaguing him? None of them knew.

There was a lump stuck in Alec’s throat, one he couldn’t swallow passed no matter how hard he tried. An inevitability was surrounding him and he tried his best to ignore it but it was fighting its way into his mind, clouding his thoughts so he thought of nothing but what was certainly coming.

He would ignore it, get along without it. If his judgement was biased now, then so be it. He would let other people make the decisions but now he would focus only on Max and making him better. This was not the end, it wasn’t, he wouldn’t let it be so.

None of them seemed able to sleep after that so they decided to just eat and carry on, hopefully stumbling across the military base as they went. Little Max’s cough subsided but he was still so hot and the rash wasn’t getting any better, Max was scratching at it a lot and didn’t understand what the adults meant when they said he should stop. He carried on and Alec just kept him close, not caring if it was contagious or not, there was no way he was going to let go of Max.

But they didn’t stumble across any military base and they didn’t seem like they were going to any time soon. They had gone well passed both horizon lines that Cat had mentioned, so why weren’t they anywhere closer to this sanctuary of safety that they were clinging to?

For a second, Alec wondered if they had been lied to. Perhaps Catarina and Ragnor were sadistic as all hell and wanted them all to suffer. People were sick, messed up in the head and Alec wouldn’t put it passed anyone to do something purely out of the sadism in their hearts. Maybe they had been naïve to trust them.

But they hadn’t led them astray before, so why would they now? If there was an error of judgement, it was on Alec and the other’s part, not theirs. Maybe they had taken a wrong turn or gone too far off course. Alec didn’t know, but he didn’t think Cat was to blame. At least, he hoped desperately that they weren’t because if something happened to Max and it was their fault, Alec would withdraw so far from life, he would give up on everything and never hope again.

He was getting that way now. The sun was rising high in the sky and the warmth of the day was settling over them, slowly but surely. Sweat was beading at Alec’s forehead but whether that was because of the weather or because of his concern from Max, Alec really didn’t know. He just wanted to see the base, he just wanted the building to rise out of the sky. But it didn’t.

None of them wanted to give up but Alec could tell from their silence that they were all thinking about it. What were they going to do? Little Max needed help. Sure, his coughing had lessened but he was still too warm and his rash was spreading up his neck as well. He couldn’t go on like this, he couldn’t survive.

They stopped amongst a short burst of trees, trying to catch some shade from the burning heat of the sun. There was no breeze, nothing to cool them down. As if they weren’t all struggling enough already, they certainly were now.

Alec didn’t know what they were meant to do. All of them were out of breath and Max was gurgling cheerfully despite his current condition. Perhaps he couldn’t feel the fever or maybe he was looking passed it because he was happy, in the arms of his father. If only they could all look passed their sadness because they were surrounded by loved ones.

“I think we need to make a decision,” Jace said and his voice was so much more sombre than Alec thought it could ever be.

The other three turned to him, trying to pretend they didn’t know what he was talking about but they did, they really did. They weren’t going to be able to go on much longer, at least Max wouldn’t be able to. Alec was trying his absolute hardest to ignore what was inevitably going to happen, what was always going to happen because he was a child in the apocalypse.

They had made it this far with him, so why couldn’t he make it longer, why couldn’t he go all the way and live? Children just couldn’t make it through, they weren’t meant to. They needed vaccines, they needed warmth, and they needed the right food. Even if they were subjected to the undead since the day they were born, they wouldn’t be able to adapt. Unfairly, if the undead didn’t kill them, the rest of the world would.

He was a child, a mere baby. How could Alec have been so stupid to think he could get through it? Even when they tried their hardest, they didn’t succeed. Alec had tried even harder after Izzy died, and it meant nothing. No matter what he did, it didn’t work. Life didn’t allow for success anymore.

“Decision about what?” Magnus asked and Alec could hear how hoarse his voice was, but he didn’t look at him, he couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact.

The words seemed to catch in Jace’s throat. Every time he went to speak, his mouth would open and nothing would come out before he would shut it again. They all watched on, not being able to say what they thought Jace was going to say, so they waited, Little Max’s soft mouthing and gurgling the only sound to their ears.

Until Jace said, “He can’t go on.”

“What are you saying then?” Clary asked. “You want to kill him?”

“Raziel, no!” Jace said. “Fuck no, I never meant that.”

It brought out a sigh of relief but the conversation was not over. If Jace wasn’t suggesting that, Jace was suggesting something else. Alec never thought about killing him himself, but he wanted to know what they should do, what they could do?

“He’s not going to make it through the night,” Jace said, voicing what everyone was thinking. “So we have two options: We keep going, trying to get there on the off chance that we might find the place and that they might help him and, in doing so we kind of ignore him. _Or_ we just spend the day here with him. Maybe he makes it through the night and we find the base tomorrow, maybe it’s all fine. But if we go on and he dies tonight, I just feel like that’ll be a waste of his… last day. We have to decide on something, we can’t keep going without knowing what we’re doing. That’s not fair on him.”

Alec felt sick, like incredibly, incredibly vomitus. If he had a proper amount of food in his stomach, he would have definitely thrown up but he didn’t have much and instead, his body just ran cold. Little Max was a like a heater on his skin, such a contrast to Alec who suddenly felt like ice.

“He might be okay,” Alec said, his voice quiet and unconfident.

“Yeah, he might,” Jace said and Alec could see the sympathy in his eyes. It was so strong Alec had to look away. “And that’ll be great, but he might not too.”

“Why don’t you think he’ll survive tonight?” Magnus asked.

“Because look at what we woke up to,” Jace explained. “If that was this morning, it’s not going to get much better.”

“That feels defeatist,” Clary said.

“I’m sorry that it does, but I just don’t want him to go without having a nice day with his fathers,” Jace said.

Alec could feel himself begin to shake. It was slight but it was there. He was too exhausted to cry, too dehydrated as well but if he could have, he most definitely would be sobbing so profusely that he would barely be able to breath. Everything was caving in around him and he couldn’t hold any of it up.

The little body resting heavy on his hip had no idea. He was oblivious to the people that were deciding on his fate. He was clinging to Alec’s shirt, one hand holding his teddy and the other playing with the seam at his neck with intrigue, the backs of his little palms red and blotchy with itchy lumps that he did not scratch. Perhaps his body had gone numb from the fever but Alec was in no mood to guess about any of that.

Alec couldn’t listen to any more of the conversation but he didn’t think much more happened. They seemed to decide that they should just wait around for the day and, considering their hopes had depleted, it was probably the best both for Max and for them.

It turned into one of the saddest days of Alec’s life. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t help but feel the inevitability of it all. This was meant to be the start of a new life, of a new kind of hope, and it was crumbling around him. In fact, it was crumbling around all of them but Alec couldn’t speak for anyone else, he could barely speak for himself.

They were all sat around Max for the most part, keeping him fed and happy, playing with him when he wanted to be played with. Even though Little Max didn’t understand what was going on, he adored the attention.

Alec tried to ignore his thoughts and be happy with him and, because he was trying hard enough to forget, it worked. Over the past few years, Alec had learned to stifle his feelings in order to be fully with those around him, in the moment. What was there to stop him from doing the same right now, to be in the moment with his son who might not be with him tomorrow?

Watching as Clary taught Max pat-a-cake, Alec forced himself to smile along. He was happy to see Max enjoying himself and laughing along with Clary who tickled him every time Max did it wrong on purpose. Of course he was happy to see that, but there was a deep ache in his heart that clouded the moment.

When Jace took him up, he told him tales of knights and damsels in distress in which Clary was the damsel and she whacked Jace playfully, which made Max laugh. It became something Alec would engrain into his mind, that sweet and innocent laugh would remind him of happier times since this sense of finality was destroying everything happy in his life.

Alec didn’t pay attention to what Magnus did with him over the course of the day. Something about watching his husband talk and play with their son made Alec worse than he already was. He was sure Magnus would do something sweet, probably tell him grand tales and make him laugh, hug him tight too. Alec could be sure of that without having to watch them together.

When Alec had him, he didn’t really know what to do or say, so he merely hugged him and fed him, ticking him so he could elicit that sweet little giggle that warmed Alec’s heart. It was at times like these that Alec wished the world could just stop so he could live in that moment forever. Sure, it might not have been perfect, but it was one of the only times that Alec thought he might not want to end his life, that he could go on forever. If he could stay with Max and his family, that would be all he needed to go on for the rest of his days.

Did there have to be death? What if the world just stopped? Alec would be happy, he could end his days on a better note. If he could forget the worry crawling into his mind, if he could ignore the pain in his heart, then life wouldn’t be so hard.

But life didn’t stop for anyone, no matter how much they deserved it. The day drew on, faster than seemed fair and, with the creeping edges of darkness as the sun withdrew from its place, they all felt a fear in their hearts. None of them voiced it but Alec could see it in their eyes. He could see them wishing for time to stop just like he wished.

They all wanted Max to sleep next to them or in their arms that night but they decided that between his fathers was the best place, closer to Alec whose sister had birthed him. None of them wanted to settle down because that would mean accepting fate, they wanted the day to go on forever.

The night settled over them and Max was drifting off to sleep, coughing lightly. They gave him some more pain relief which he still didn’t want but seemed to vaguely understand the importance of. He was burning hot, his fever did not improve at all, it just seemed to get worse. But Max, in his state of joy, ignored it so he could get more attention.

None of them went to sleep even though they said they were going to. Alec took Little Max into his arms and spoke to him softly. Perhaps the others could hear him talk, but Alec pretended they weren’t there, that it was only him and Max and that they were the only two that mattered.

He eased Max off to sleep, talking to him about life before, telling him about the wonderful things that once existed. Max tried to stay awake, tried to listen to his father’s voice as he told him about sweets and chocolate, things Max would have loved, but he slipped off. The tales were more reassuring for Alec than they were for Max as he told him of his own sister and TV shows. It made Alec happy for a moment before he remembered where they were and that Max would never get any of that.

It was perhaps a little selfish. He was kind of taking Max for himself even though he meant so much to all of them. Sure, he was Alec’s sister’s son, but Magnus had come to love him as one of his own, and for Jace and Clary he was a form of hope, their nephew. They all loved him dearly and they should all get to say goodbye like Alec was and, normally, Alec would have wanted everyone to have priority over him, but his mind was messed up and he just wanted Max to be happy.

Some small part of him thought that, if Alec held him tight enough and if he loved him enough, he might not die during the night. For some reason, Alec felt that it was his responsibility to hold him tight, that it would be his fault if Max died. Of course, Alec knew that was ridiculous but he couldn’t help it.

He used Max’s teddy to talk to him occasionally, though Max was falling into a slumber he might never wake from. Alec would pay no attention to that, he would just use the soft paw of the bear to stroke across Max’s cheek, sending him off with a gentle smile.

Alec watched, smiling at the little boy he loved more than anything on the planet. He hugged him close as Max took the bear into his own arms, hugging it tight as sleep consumed him.

Alec fell asleep without realising there was a tear rolling across his cheek.

When he woke, he knew the worst had happened. Little Max was not in his arms but a few inches away. Alec studied his little body wrapped up in a thin blanket and tried to see if he was moving, if he was breathing. He watched him for a long time and realised with the heaviest of hearts that he wasn’t.

Reaching a shaky and weak hand out, Alec tried to see if it was just his angle that made it seem as though he wasn’t breathing. But his freezing cold cheek and limp form confirmed his suspicions. His heart shattered into irreplaceable pieces and Alec collapsed against the floor again, staring up at the sky with unseeing eyes. He was sure he was crying but he was no longer in the moment to tell.

What was the point if Alec couldn’t get his son to live? Why bother going on if life wasn’t going to go on, if it couldn’t continue? Alec had always gone on believing that, somehow, life would go on and evolve in some way. But not now. That hope had been torn from his hands when he was happiest and the most hopeful.

Every ounce of energy Alec had disappeared from the world and he never thought he would be able to find it again. The light of the world was gone and Alec didn’t know if it would return. It wouldn’t, Alec was certain.

His heart was aching and it felt about ready to fall out of his chest. With heavy limbs and his head completely fogged, Alec was ready to die himself. This was horrendous, it was horrifying, it was worse than the nightmares that clogged Alec’s mind. What was he meant to do? Seriously, what did he have left to live for if life couldn’t go on?

They buried the little body shortly after everyone else had woken up and realised what had happened. Clary cried into Jace’s chest as Jace shed a few tears that he wiped away furiously and pretended had not happened. Magnus too went silent but Alec felt no urge to go towards him, though he should have.

This death, it would probably tear them apart. Sure, the death of his brother Max was horrifying, the death of their friends and family was atrocious, but this, this was their son. This was someone they should have kept safe and they hadn’t, so why would they be able to stay strong together?

Deaths of children tore parents apart before and it didn’t seem to be any different now. Somehow, Alec thought it should be better because deaths brought you closer, made you realise that life was so fleeting. But Alec did not feel any intense feeling to go to him and hug him close. In fact, Alec wanted to get far away from him.

Now, Magnus reminded him of an unattainable past, something they could never have again. Once upon time, Alec would have been reassured by the idea that Magnus was his past and his present, but now it made him feel sick. Every time he looked at him, he saw Max, and Little Max, and Isabelle, and his mother, and his father, and everyone they had lost. Alec couldn’t see any way for that to change.

The little hole was filled with dirt, covering the little, cold body, an odd mound against the lushes green of the summer season. Clary found a little flower and dug it up, bulb and all before replanting it in Little Max’s grave. She collapsed against Jace, and Alec found himself wishing he could have that. He could feel Magnus watching him but he didn’t return the gaze. He didn’t want Magnus anymore and he wasn’t sure he ever would. Instead, Alec clung to Max’s teddy bear, tight and not ever going to let it go.

None of them had effort anymore. Jace and Clary were trying but mourning at times like these didn’t get their motivations up. Mourning was commonplace but of such a young thing, not so much. For one thing, babies weren’t around anymore, so no one expected to mourn them. And yet here they were and Alec felt like he was glass, breaking and shattering with every breath he took.

The breaths were raspy and pointless, shallow against his chest. Alec thought that there might not be any point anymore. He didn’t want Magnus, the rest of his family were broken, and his son was dead. If Alec could once see the point of living, it had been lost on him over the night.

They barely walked on, their main cause of wanting to take some steps away was so they didn’t have to see Little Max’s grave. They came to a section of long grass that was probably too dangerous to stay around but none of them cared. There were crop circles in the grass, ones that looked relatively fresh though they had started to grow again. Before, Alec would have thought this was risky, he would have questioned going in, but now he welcomed the danger. He saw no point in living.

The day went by quicker than Alec cared for and he only realised that so much time had gone when they were questioning who should take the night watch. Alec offered and they all protested but Alec was adamant. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep, not with the thoughts of death settling on Alec’s mind without letting up.

Reluctantly, the others agreed and they attempted to sleep. Magnus slept in such a way that Alec could make out his face and he tried to see the beauty in his features but Alec could only see them as ugly. His mind had grown sick and he no longer saw beauty in those green eyes but a vile etching instead.

Alec turned away and looked up at the stars. There weren’t many as they were broken up by the clouds and there was an oddly strong wind blowing, making the trees in the distance sway dangerously. Alec looked back in the direction they came and imagined Max walking towards them. He didn’t want to think about what would happen to him now. They had not destroyed his brain because how could they have made such a decision? Alec cared not for those thoughts and pushed them far down to mill with the rest of the sick things his mind was trying to get him to process. Ignoring them, he gripped the teddy bear that was his memory of Max.

Getting a little hungry because he hadn’t eaten all day, Alec rooted through his quickly emptying rucksack for some form of food and came across the razor that Cat and Ragnor had given him as a parting gift. The stubble was coming back again, itching as it broke the skin but he was numbed from all pain.

All the thoughts of food quickly left Alec’s mind as he pulled the razor out. It seemed fragile and he broke it apart so that only the razor sat in his hand. It was sharp and it pricked his finger as he broke the plastic of the razor, the blood beading.

It was as though he was acting on automatic. Alec wasn’t sure what he was doing and he couldn’t focus on anything because there were voices screaming at him, clouding his judgement. Sanity was no longer something he considered, and he brought the razor to his wrist and tested the pressure.

Being only a little sore, Alec dug it in deeper and it broke the skin. Although it was a small stream, blood did seep out of the centimetre long slice, slipping down the angle of Alec’s wrist. He couldn’t feel it and he was sure he should have been able to. If he was bleeding, surely he should feel something, but he couldn’t. He tried it again, cutting two centimetres just above the other and it bled more but Alec was immune to the pain.

The voices were screaming at him still, telling him that he should have taken better care of his family, that he had been a terrible husband and brother and friend. His lack of devotion towards Magnus was clear in his head but not in his actions. He knew he should confide in Jace and Clary, but he could barely bring himself to talk to them. He should have dragged his sister along with him, he should have pushed Simon out of the way, he should have saved Max, he should have taken better care of Little Max, he should have told his parents straight, he should have fought Valentine harder, he should have gone with Emma, he should have, he should have, _he should have…_

The razor was thrust away from his wrist before he could cut a seventh line across his wrist. They had gotten deep, blood seeping profusely down his hand, pooling at his palm. There was no pain, nothing. He dug his fingers into the cuts, a gush of blood pouring out, but then his hands were batted away too.

Alec looked up and saw Magnus looking down at him, knelt before him, a deep concern and fear in his eyes, as well as an anger Alec had never seen before. His touch should have been warm but Alec felt cold towards him, and he pulled his wrists away from Magnus’ hands.

“The fuck are you doing?” Magnus asked, his voice a harsh whisper as he did not want to wake Jace and Clary.

Alec didn’t know what to say. What _had_ he been doing? His mind had withdrawn from the world and his body was moving without any thoughts. Averting his gaze from Magnus, he merely shrugged.

However, Magnus brought a hand underneath his chin and forced their eyes to meet. Alec looked at him with defiance more than anything else and Magnus’ eyes were etched with a hint of sadness, his tightly pinched eyebrows softening.

“That’s a stupid thing to do,” Magnus said.

“Fuck off,” Alec said.

He never swore at Magnus in seriousness. It had always been a joke, a light play in their words. Now Alec meant it, he wanted Magnus to leave him, to go far away and never return. If Magnus wouldn’t, then Alec would and death might have been the only answer for him.

“Don’t do something stupid like that again,” Magnus said. “I can’t believe you’d be so selfish.”

“ _Selfish_?” Alec asked in disbelief. “I’m not selfish.”

“You’d leave me and the others like this? You’d hurt yourself without telling us what’s going on? I don’t know why you hate me, but don’t do this, it’s not fucking fair.”

“I can’t feel anything,” Alec spat out. “I’m just trying to feel.”

“By hurting yourself?”

“If that’s the way I can feel, then so be it,” Alec said, and he forcedly removed his chin from Magnus’ grip and looked away.

“I don’t know why you’re being so difficult with me and I’m not asking you to tell me or leap into my lap and love me again, but don’t even consider doing this again. Don’t you fucking dare,” Magnus said.

Magnus stood without another word and Alec, feeling his blood boiling, ripped the ring from his ring finger and threw it at Magnus. It hit him in the neck and landed on the ground as Magnus turned around. There was a sadness engrained into his eyes and Alec was unable to look at him, so he looked away.

Alec had never heard him speak like that and Alec never wanted him to again, not because he wanted Magnus to talk to him with love, but because he didn’t want to hear that Magnus cared about him. If Alec didn’t care about Magnus, then Magnus should realise and leave him be.

“Bandage that before you die of something stupid,” Magnus said and he set himself further away than before, turning to face away from Alec.

Alec glared at him, hoping he could feel the burn of his gaze. However, he did rummage around for a bandage and he wrapped up his stained wrist, still unable to feel it. He looked down at Max’s bear and saw a few drops of blood staining its colour, and it made him angry. Somehow, Magnus had made him feel something but it wasn’t warmth or love; it was anger.

Whether that would ever change, Alec didn’t know nor care, he just wanted to feel again. If that came from hating Magnus, then so be it, that’s what he would do.


	23. Keep Living

> “A girl calls and asks, "Does it hurt very much to die?"
> 
> "Well, sweetheart," I tell her, "yes, but it hurts a lot more to keep living.”  
>  ― Chuck Palahniuk _, Survivor_

_Magnus_

When Magnus awoke the next morning, Alec was asleep. The bandage on his wrist was deeply stained with blood and heavily soaked. If Magnus and Alec were on better terms Magnus would have bandaged it for him, but Alec was hating Magnus for a reason he did not know and any attempt at trying to help him would have probably resulted in Alec trying to shoot Magnus in the head.

As far as Magnus was concerned, he hadn’t done anything wrong other than back at the town, but that was well over a year ago. It had been a sudden change between them and Magnus had no idea what to do or say or if he would ever be forgiven for his unknown wrongdoings.

When they realised that Little Max wasn’t going to survive, Magnus thought Alec would come to him and they could comfort each other, because Magnus sure as hell needed someone to hold. But he hadn’t, he had gotten even more distant somehow.

Whilst Magnus’ heart was being torn into shreds by the death of his son, the light of his life, his heart was also breaking because he felt like Alec was slipping far away from him. Little Max was gone and Magnus thought Alec would come back to him, but he didn’t and Magnus felt lonelier than ever. He felt like he had no one and it hurt him more than anything. To be alone at the end of the world was the worst thing.

If they had something to hope for, Magnus might have been more motivated to do something, but the base was nowhere in sight. It was not where Cat and Ragnor said it would be. Perhaps they had lied, perhaps they were far away laughing at the naivety of those they had met. Magnus did not know and nor did he care to question it. Nothing made sense anymore.

A few of the undead passed but, for some reason, they did not notice the four other people trudging by. Someone had once said at the beginning of the apocalypse, that if the zombies couldn’t recognise you as alive, they wouldn’t come towards you.

That’s what kept them safe. The fact that they didn’t seem to care, that they were just crawling by, roaming the land in hope of something that would likely never come. The undead did not see them as those that cared to live, as those that _were_ living, so they did not bother them. It was a secret blessing; amongst the death that they were feeling, they would not be bothered by the dead.

Jace and Clary chatted lightly but Magnus could hear the sadness in their voices. At least they could talk to each other. Magnus would have given anything to be able to hear Alec’s voice, talking to him sweetly or even talking to him at all. At a time like this, Magnus was yearning for the sound of Alec’s voice and nothing else, and it made his heart hang heavy.

Maybe Magnus should give up, maybe Alec had fallen into a pit of despair and Magnus was not able to bring him out of it. It had happened to a lot of people they had known over the years, Isabelle being one of them. Once they fell in, it was hard to find their feet again.

Every time Magnus thought he was slipping into the endless pit, he had Alec or Jace or Clary or Little Max to remind him that he didn’t have to do it alone. They would remind him that life was worth living and that he didn’t have to feel such loneliness and despair. He could remember that there was still good.

Now, he had none of that. Yes, Jace and Clary were still around and they didn’t ignore him like Alec, but they were always so engrossed each other, trying to keep each other alive that they didn’t pay much attention to Magnus at all. And Little Max who could always make him happy with his little giggle or the way he tugged at people’s hair and laughed, he wasn’t in the world any longer.

His suffering had ended, that’s what mattered. It had been risky keeping him in the world and they had tried to keep him alive for as long as possible, but it simply wasn’t meant to be. All Magnus could do was hope that it wasn’t a painful end and that his last day with his family made him the happiest little boy that he could be. That’s what he deserved for causing so much joy in the world, he deserved joy as well.

But he had left a hole amongst the group and in Magnus’ heart. Alec could have filled it, Magnus knew that. If they could be how they were before, even if it was only for a moment, Magnus would have reason to live. Right now, he had nothing.

Magnus watched as Alec walked on, his bandage unchanged, and dripping blood down his fingers. He still didn’t notice. As he had said the previous night, he seemed numb to the world. Jace and Clary noticed it when they woke up but Alec’s glazed expression meant they didn’t question it.

A few drops of blood dripped onto the ground, Alec walking ahead of Magnus, and Magnus saw as it connected with the grass beneath his hand, dripping down the blades. Alec was oblivious and it made Magnus want to grab his hand and bandage it properly. Why had Alec done it? Was he hurting that much, so much so that he wasn’t telling anyone?

Of course he was hurting, Magnus would find it worrying if he didn’t hurt at all. But this much? He didn’t have to suffer without him, it would be horrendous to go through the death of his son alone. Magnus had lost his son too, why would he think it was a good idea to suffer without him?

They trudged along further, the heat from the sun making them slower than ever, along with their all-consuming depression. If only they could see something on the horizon, something to give them reason to keep living, that would be their necessary incentive. Without it, they were walking endlessly to a goal they did not have.

If they could wander endlessly, that would be better than having to walk in a speedy panic, but the second someone started to enjoy themselves or find that they could cope, something came along to make sure they never got complacent. Clary tripped over something that was concealed in the grass and she screamed out in pain as she twisted her ankle or broke it.

The three men made their way to her as her yell echoed throughout the land, rolling over the hills. Jace was asking her what exactly hurt and Alec hung back, not wanting to get his blood drenched hand over her. Magnus went to see what it was that she had fallen over and it was not a pleasant sight.

It was a walker, melted into the ground because of the heat. Actually, upon being surveyed, Magnus thought it could have been there for years, its rotting and disintegrating flesh looking old and bare. Bones were showing through the thin layers of skin, half merged with the ground. It had one available arm but the hand was all melted and broken, bones on show and it couldn’t have scratched any them if it tried. With half of its face turned out and one eyeball, revealed by the skin pulled back around it, it was mouthing uselessly, weak moans escaping its stringy mouth.

If Magnus had enough in his stomach, he would have thrown up. Over the years, he had seen many disgusting walkers with their skin flapping about and body parts missing, some made aquatic by the water they lived in, but he never got used to it. How could you get used it when they looked like that?

“That’s disgusting,” Jace commented, glancing at it as he tried to help Clary up. Once she settled on her feet, her ankle collapsed under her weight and Jace hurried to catch her in his arms so she could lean against him.

“That’s one word for it,” Magnus said, taking a step back under the intent gaze of the creature. “How the hell would it even get like this?”

“What’s the point in questioning it?” Alec asked, looking at the undead creature rather than at Magnus. “We should keep moving if you can, I think some others might have heard you.”

As if on cue, a few walkers appeared on top of one of the hills they had just passed. It was only a few but it was enough to kick them into action. Clary hobbled along, saying she had too much dignity to be carried, and they moved forward, a few more walkers making their way in the direction of the noise that had caught their attention.

Soon enough they were running, though Clary was slowing them down. Walkers started to appear from not only behind but from their left and right and from in front of them too. It was unlikely that they all heard Clary yell but walkers had a sort of mob mentality and if they saw a group of them walking towards something, they simply followed on even though they didn’t know what they were following.

It came to such a point where they could no longer stumble at a certain pace through the fields because they were gaining a lot of numbers to their ranks and none of the four of them were able to fight. Not only were there too many, but their effort levels were low.

But it made Magnus realise something; they all still wanted to live. Whether it was Alec who was tightening the bandage on his wrist or himself that was holding his backpack by the strap, they were all trying to keep going. They didn’t want to die, they wanted to live and even though it was only the smallest of glimmers, Magnus felt some hope.

The crowd of the undead was gathering around them and Jace had no choice but to pick Clary up and run with her in his arms. She didn’t complain because one walker stretched out a hand an almost grabbed Jace’s too long hair and he just managed to pull away before picking her up.

Some were a lot closer than others but they were much less dense in front of them. A few tried to reach out to grab Magnus’ shirt or skin but Magnus managed to get out of the way. He glanced behind them to see a slow forming sea of stumbling undead, all heading forwards towards a target they couldn’t likely see.

Magnus kind of felt like the same could be said for them. They were running forward, set on a destination they didn’t have. Where were they going? Jace was leading with Clary in his arms, but he didn’t know where they were running to. Their feet carried them forward, kept them going as if they knew the destination their mind didn’t.

Because he had been looking back, Magnus collided with Alec but thankfully they did not fall. They did stop for a moment, to gather their bearings and Alec shot Magnus a glare before carrying on again, the walkers surrounding them fast.

A few walkers reached out, brushing their backs and their bare arms, not hard enough to break the skin but enough to worry Magnus that they might. Although it was risky, Magnus had to settle on shoving some of the undead bodies out of the way in order for them to not latch their mouths onto Magnus’ flesh.

They had guns, but the noise roused the dead further. They also had knives and a machete but it felt like it would take more time than they had to slice open their skulls, so they just kept running, bearing against the tide of walkers that were coming upon them.

It seemed endless and the dead bore upon them relentlessly. They were shoving walkers aside left, right, and centre. Every time, Magnus feared that they would break the skin and start the infection, but he was sure that he would be okay. He had fought hard to get there and he wasn’t going to be brought down, not now, not whilst he still had some fight left in him.

Then they all spotted it; there was a wall in the distance. It was fortified and protected with watch towers just visible above it. Magnus saw all of their heads stray upon this vision of glory as they ran, and Magnus realised they had a destination at last.

Somehow, their speed increased and their feet pounded along the ground at such a force, Magnus was sure his legs might fall off. Walkers were still bearing down around them but with their increased speed, they had trouble reaching the alive members amongst their huddle. Magnus threw them about with more force, his hands so much stronger than he thought they would be. Adrenaline was such a blessing.

What seemed like the little base grew before their eyes with every step, gaining on them as they ran forward, legs propelling them even though they had little sustenance to keep them going. It looked reinforced and Magnus was sure he could see small figures walking along the walls, stopping when they spotted the live people amongst the undead crowd.

As they sped up and approached the base, the herd dispersed. There were still many, joining the crowd and heading in the wrong direction until they spotted the live beings they wanted to eat, but they were not fast enough. Having a destination in mind, it made them faster than any of them could comprehend.

There was a heavy looking gate making itself visible and they all headed towards it, altering their direction only slightly. This was it, they were going to be safe. As long as the people inside took them in and didn’t leave them outside. That was still a possibility.

They reached the gate, almost colliding with it at full speed. They looked up and saw a few pale faces looking down at them. Magnus and others' breaths were quick and heavy, but they didn’t seem to be rushing to open the tall gate.

“Hello?!” Jace called up. “Can you let us in?”

There was no answer though they could see the other people still looking down at them. The hoard behind them was approaching and the people on the wall did not seem at all bothered by that.

“Please,” Magnus begged. “She’s injured.” He gestured towards Clary and the faces turned to her.

There was still no answer. Magnus watched as the faces turned to each other and they spoke in voices that Magnus could not hear. The groans of the undead were closer than Magnus liked. However, they could do nothing but wait on the people above them that were deciding their fate.

It would have been a very tense silence but the undead were too close for them to be consumed in anything but noise. Magnus was starting to get impatient as they continued to talk. Would they really let them be torn apart in front of their gates? Cat had said these people accepted new people in. Since they had found the base they were talking about, Magnus knew they hadn’t lied, so why were they taking so long?

Then gunfire went off and Magnus almost thought they had shot at them. The shots was loud and harsh and sharp, and Magnus closed his eyes, pressing his body closer to the wall, hoping the gate would open. If they were shooting at the walkers, more would come along. Was this their sick way of torturing them?

The gate started to creak as it rolled up. It did not go all the way to the top but left a large enough gap for the four of them to get under before the herd got at them. Magnus glanced behind them to see a littering of actual dead bodies, the living undead stumbling over them to get to Magnus and the wall. His view was cut off by the gate slamming down in front of him.

Inside, it wasn’t exactly extravagant but it sure did look safe. They were stood on a long concrete road, either side of which lay those grey, big military buildings, some of which would have held aircrafts and tanks of sorts. They had been modified to be more accommodating of people, and each road at a certain junction branched off to another section of road, and Magnus could tell that this place was huge because he couldn’t even see where the other end of the wall went or where the border finished.

There weren’t many people about, but those that were stared at Magnus and the others as they walked on, not stopping to meet or greet them and leaving the group standing there awkwardly with their heavy breathing and bloody clothes. Magnus thought for a moment that maybe coming here had been a great mistake because they didn’t look all that welcoming.

Then one of the people from the wall came down, carrying a rifle in his hands. He looked young and quite angelic, Magnus thought. He had dark, curled locks, and a deep olive skin and his gaze was that of a bored and indifferent one. In a slight movement, he furrowed his brows at the newcomers before quirking one of them up at them.

“Can we help you?” He asked, a Spanish accent to his tone.

None of them knew what to say in response. Were they meant to ask for help or shelter? What were they meant to say? The man, who was slightly on the shorter side, stared at them and it almost looked as though he expected an answer but none of them knew what they were meant to say.

The gunfire was still happening above and the other man sighed before beckoning his hand for the others to follow him. They did so cautiously, each of them suddenly concerned about their whereabouts. Jace put Clary down, but continued to help her walk in the direction they were being led towards, the gunfire dying down as they went.

As more buildings went by, Magnus got the feeling that there were actually a lot of people that lived within the base. There were so many buildings and so many roads that Magnus thought there had to be at least a couple hundred if they were all as full as they should be.

And everything looked so functional too. There were little lamps that looked like they reacted to solar power and ones that were in shade were gently illuminating the shadows. There was the faint sound of machinery working, only audible because they had made their way away from the gunfire at the walls.

The people they passed watched curiously but got on with whatever it was they were doing. It sort of reassured Magnus that they weren’t going to tear them apart, but it also made him curious. Why were they so at ease around strangers? For all they knew, Magnus was bringing an entire hoard of bandits behind him, ready to take whatever it was they had. Of course, he wasn’t, but he could have been. However, he was glad because he didn’t have the energy to fight about his worth.

Eventually, they ended up inside a building which looked like it would have been some form of office or indoor storage place before the apocalypse. It had been altered somewhat and they were led through a few corridors that had some doors branching off before the man leading them chose one and they went inside. In it was a variety of old sofas and seats, and a window lay to the side that showed nothing but more buildings and more roads. It let in some light though, that was the main thing.

The man gestured for them all to sit down and they did, Clary needing some help from her husband. Surprisingly, Alec sat on the same sofa as Magnus, and Magnus almost felt a wave of relief. Perhaps if he was surrounded by safety Alec would forget whatever he had against Magnus and they could be in love again. Magnus would like that.

The other man sat in a chair that opposed them all and looked at them. Magnus could visibly see his eyes trying to figure them out. He focused for a long time on Alec’s bloodied, bandaged wrist and on Clary’s leg that she was not putting any weight on.

“Do you need a doctor for that?” He asked, more to Clary than Alec.

“If you have one,” Clary answered, her voice quiet.

“Lily!” The man called and a small, Asian girl entered with dyed orange hair. Not only did that make Magnus think this place must be very good if her hair was still being dyed so well, it also made him curious because she had entered instantly, as if she was waiting to be called or like she didn’t want to leave the man’s side. “Get Derek for me.”

“Yes, sir,” Lily answered and left the room again.

“Did it happen recently?” He asked.

Clary nodded. “About half an hour ago. I fell, called out, and that’s when they all came-,”

“You mean the undead that are now crowding my walls?” He asked, an almost condescending tone to his voice.

“Sorry about that,” she offered.

“Mm.” He paused, looking over them all again. “Are you expecting me to let you all stay here?”

“Do you not want us here?” Magnus asked.

“It’s been a while since we’ve seen new faces,” he said. “We don’t tend to see people out there by themselves. Usually, they’ve been smart enough to find somewhere to stay.”

“We’ve had places,” Magnus said. “They don’t tend to last.”

“Is that why you look so shitty? And I don’t mean your clothes, I mean your faces.”

“We lost a lot of people recently,” Magnus said quietly.

The man’s face softened. “I’m sorry to hear that. Died or moved on?”

“Both.” Magnus paused. “Our son died a couple of days ago.”

His face softened further. “How old?”

Magnus thought back. “About a year and a half.”

“So he was born during all of this?” He released an impressed whistled. “I’m sorry to hear that, must have been tough.”

His demeanour seemed to change. Before, Magnus wasn’t sure he was going to let them stay, but after hearing that, he seemed more inclined to do so. To be honest, it would have been cruel to shove them back outside again after hearing such a thing.

Someone else entered and Magnus presumed this to be Derek. He too looked young, too young to be a doctor, but if he could help Clary, Magnus wasn’t going to question him. He went straight to Clary, identifying her as the one that needed help, and started assessing her leg as the others continued talking.

“How long have you been out there?” The leader, it would seem, asked.

“A while,” Magnus answered.

“Months, years?” He pressed.

“Months.”

“And do you want to stay here?”

“If you’ll have us,” Magnus answered, voicing everyone else’s wishes. “We’ve had a tough time and we’d like somewhere to rest that isn’t out there. We can pull our weight if you need us to.”

He shrugged and looked out the window. “I wouldn’t expect you to pull your weight just yet, we’ve got enough people here anyway. This place, it’s been here since the beginning. You know, how in those terrible apocalypse movies, the military always comes and saves people, that was the case here too. There was a huge town just to the south, they all came and took us in. Then, one day they went out and didn’t come back, and we kept it going. A few more hands here that aren’t contributing fully aren’t going to change our function ability. What’re your names?”

They each said their names in turn as Derek moved Clary’s leg to check how flexible it was before she winced in pain. She winced almost instantly and Derek said it was probably fractured. They didn’t have x-rays, because how could they? But he would bind it up anyway.

“So, you’ll need to stay until it’s better,” the man said. “I’m Raphael, I sort of run this place. It’s good here, so don’t mess it up. If there’s even the slightest indication that you’re bad people, we won’t hesitate in killing you. If you don’t mind, we’ll check over your bags before we take you to one of the sleeping centres. We have communal showers, that’s it I’m afraid, just lock the door and you won’t be disturbed. The water never gets very warm, but people are usually grateful for that in the hotter months. We have power because of solar power and generators where we can make our own fuel, but that’s Jacob’s job, not mine.

A fair warning, in the infirmary, there’s a couple of people with some contagious disease that makes them break out in disgusting pustules, but they’re being worked on by our other doctor. Just don’t go in there until that’s sorted out. Any questions?”

“You said showers?” Jace said, standing with the others as he gave someone else named Elliott his bag to check through.

Raphael realised a small laugh that Magnus thought was quite pleasant to hear. Laughter was not something he had heard since Max a couple of days ago, and he never thought he would hear again. Now he had heard it, it lifted Magnus’ heart. Maybe things could be good again.

Derek went to check Alec’s wrist but Alec shook his head and Derek did not approach. Magnus thought it would probably be for the best if he did get it checked over but Alec had control over his own body and no one could force him to be checked out if he didn’t want to be.

Once their bags were checked and they found nothing unusual or dangerous, Raphael walked them through to another building that had beds inside. He let them keep their weapons, saying that people felt safer if they had their weapons on them, and said people came and ate at the massive building in the centre when they wanted, usually preparing their own food.

He told them the direction of the showers and how to work them and told them to settle in and that he would explain more when they were ready. If they had any questions, Raphael said they could literally ask anyone because they were all pretty offish but they all offered their help if they could.

Then he was gone, leaving the four of them to choose their bunks, a lot of which were already chosen even considering the huge size of the building. The ceiling was high and there were many small windows covering the walls. It looked as though there may have been walls or dividers before, but they were knocked down to expand the size of the room. It was warm inside but one of the doors was left open, so it wasn’t so bad. There was also no one else in the room, which made Magnus think everyone had stuff to do during the day, which was good because Magnus had been too idle during the past few months and he wanted to do something now to keep his mind occupied.

They chose bunks close to each other, and then made their way to the showers. There were five blocks according to Raphael, and Magnus expected Jace and Clary to take one, Magnus to take another, and Alec take yet another one. They were probably comfortable enough to shower together, they had all seen each other literally shit in the woods, so boundaries were low but the idea of privacy was rather wonderful and too good to pass up.

Clary and Jace broke off towards the first one, Raphael saying they kept towels in the blocks, and Magnus and Alec carried on, a silence consuming them.

“I’ll take the one after this one, if you want to go on in,” Magnus said and he went to go on, not expecting to hear anything back.

“Wait,” Alec said and he lightly grabbed Magnus’ wrist with his good hand.

The touch sent sparks across Magnus’ skin. He hadn’t felt his hands or him at all since he slapped the razor away from him, and to be touched so unexpectedly almost made Magnus jump. Alec’s fingers were light around his bare wrist and Magnus yearned to move his hand down and connect their fingers, but he thought that might push him too far and Magnus didn’t want to ruin the moment.

“Something wrong?” Magnus asked, his voice quieter than he expected. There was some joy pumping through his system at the hope that Alec was going to be his again, but he didn’t want to show himself to be too eager for fear of deterring Alec.

“Would you come with me?” Alec asked and he avoided eye contact, instead looking at his hand clutching Magnus’ wrist. “To check me over, make sure I don’t have any bites or scratches or anything.” He bit his lip.

“Of course,” Magnus said without any hesitation whatsoever. It had shocked him to hear Alec ask such a thing but there was no way Magnus was going to resist. He needed to hold Alec again and if this was the way he was going to do it, then so be it.

Once inside the shower block, Magnus locked the door behind them and they both stripped of their blood crusted clothes. For a second, Magnus wished they had asked for some new ones, but he was too distracted by Alec’s chest to care all that much. His eyes focused on the trail of hair that disappeared beneath his briefs and he had to force his gaze away in case he got caught staring and scared Alec off.

When they both were in only their underwear, Magnus could tell that Alec was nervous as if there was their first time naked together. It made Magnus’ heart ache. They had been naked together many times, whether it was an overtly sexual sense or just casually, that was merely the kind of couple they were; they were comfortable around each other when naked, as all couples should be really.

Alec was also staring at the ring that Magnus had put on a piece of string to tie around his neck. Magnus had almost forgotten that it was there, forgotten that he had picked it up and kept it near in case Alec came back to him. Now that he was nearly nude, Alec could see it and he looked nervous.

In attempt to show Alec that he had absolute no cause to be anxious, Magnus pulled his boxers over his legs and put them with the rest of his clothes before striding confidently over to one of the showerheads and turning it on. A few seconds later, Magnus glanced over to see Alec unwrapping his bandage and then pulling off his own boxers. He joined Magnus at the same showerhead a moment later.

As their bodies slicked up with the cool water running over them, they began to check over each other. They cared no longer for their nakedness and focused purely on checking that the other wasn’t bitten or scratched. Magnus traced his hands over Alec’s body, more for relearning his curves and lines than checking for bites because, once he swept over him with eyes and saw that he was fine, Magnus could simply touch his husband again.

Alec’s own hands explored Magnus’ wet skin, hands trailing over his muscles so he could hold him again. Magnus could feel the love in his touch, there was a warmth and a compassion to it. His touch was gentle, soft against Magnus’ soaked skin. Even though Magnus was nowhere close to being cold, he shivered.

They traced each other’s bodies, trailing down arms and over hips, pulling each other close. They held each other again, touched each other and let their hands remember the feel of the other’s body. They were together again, in their barest form, loving each other once more.

One of Alec’s hands travelled up to Magnus’ neck and Magnus gently gripped his wrist so he could press a light kiss to it. It was the wrist he cut and, whilst they had healed over, they were pink and fresh and sore. Alec winced, and Magnus met his gaze.

“Are they sore, my love?” Magnus asked quietly, water streaming down his back and over his shoulders.

Suddenly, Alec’s eyes were welling up. He looked at Magnus for a moment before looking away, his mouth opening to release a small sob as he nodded. As his heart broke for the billionth time in his life, Magnus pulled Alec forward by his waist and wrapped his arms around his wet skin.

Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus’ shoulders, water pouring over his head but neither cared about the shower anymore. He sobbed into the crook of Magnus’ neck and Magnus brought a hand up to run through Alec’s wet locks.

“Was it our fault?” Alec asked through harsh sobs.

Magnus knew what he was talking about instantly; Little Max. “Of course not, Alexander. He wasn’t meant for this world and we tried our best but there was no way for us to foresee any of that happening and no way for us to stop it. We couldn’t give him vaccines or feed him properly, and there’s no blame to be placed anywhere.”

“But people used to survive back before medicine, in like, Victorian times or whatever.”

“Yes, they did,” Magnus began. “But parents had to have about fourteen children in order for one of them to survive. It was potluck and the average lifespan was short anyway. It’s not our fault, we tried, and we gave him so much love in his short life, please don’t blame yourself.” Magnus kissed Alec’s cheek.

They stood in silence for a moment, Alec’s sobbing softening. Magnus soaked in the moment, holding his husband in his arms, comforting him like he should have been able to for the past few days. Their bodies melted into each other, breathing as one once Alec calmed himself down.

When Alec pulled away, still within Magnus’ grip and with his arms still around Magnus’ shoulders, Magnus brushed the extremely long, wet hair out of his eyes. They were red and still watery as Alec wiped at them with one hand.

Tenderly, Alec pulled the piece of string over Magnus’ head, untying it so the ring fell into his hand. Without hesitating, Alec dropped the string and put the ring back on his finger, sliding it up until it sat where it should have never left.

Magnus’ heart warmed, his entire being relaxing. Alec wiped at his eyes again and looked back to Magnus.

“I’m sorry for being such an ass recently,” Alec said, his lip wobbling.

“That’s okay-,”

“I was _such_ an ass though.”

“Yes, you were a little,” Magnus joked and pinched his hip lightly and Alec released a small laugh, etched with sadness. “But I forgive you, my love. We’ve been through a lot of shit, I think you’re allowed to be angry sometimes.”

“But you don’t deserve my anger,” Alec said.

“I’m sure I can be infuriating,” Magnus said and he smiled.

Alec smiled back, the most genuine smile he had shared in a long while. Magnus couldn’t help but lean forward and press their lips together. It was soft, their lips barely moving against each other because it was meant to be more reassuring than romantic. The only reason it was wet was because of the water still pouring over them, wetting their eyelashes, making them pull away and blink furiously.

Alec was smiling the most brilliant smile he had. They were going to be okay, Magnus could feel it in his heart. They had a safe place, they had water, and they had each other. Things were going to be okay, _they_ were going to be okay. Finally, their hope was worth something.

“I love you, Alexander,” Magnus said.

“I love you, too.”


	24. Live Content

> “The greatest wealth is to live content with little.”  
>  ― Plato

_Alec_

After adjusting to the new town for about a week, Alec found that the right choice had been made. Knowing the safety and the longevity of the base made Alec realise that, if he was still out there travelling with Cat or Emma, they would have never found security like this.

Everyone did what they could to keep the place going and it was the option to give as much as they wanted that kept everyone happy. Raphael, Lily, and Elliott kept the place running smoothly. Alec never thought that a place like this could last for as long as it had, but clearly it could. The sense of community was strong, and Alec was glad that they had found it and become a part of it.

Everything was safe and functioning and they greeted the new faces with ease because it had been so long since they had met new people. Alec met people like Anselm who was very disinterested in everything except classic literature but had a great sense of humour, and Marcel who knew everything there was to know about guns, alongside Coselle, who made them the dream team for defence. Everyone there just got along because Raphael ensured it. If people didn’t get along, the place wouldn’t survive and Raphael needed to ensure its survival.

And finally things were better between Magnus and him, they were actually functioning like a proper couple again. It didn’t take long for the two of them to get back together, almost exactly like they were before. What had happened was a minor blip in their overall love and Alec was glad they could get over it quickly.

Not every aspect of their relationship returned to normal however. Considering they lived in a very public place and they slept in a communal area, sexual activity was very limited. They had had a few encounters in the couple of showers they had, and a couple of very, _very_ quiet and almost nerve-wracking instances of jerking the other off in bed until they came in the quietest orgasms they could pull off.

Magnus, finally with this safety surrounding him, felt like he could be okay with their sexual encounters. They wanted to do the most that they could because of that, they wanted to have full on sex because Magnus had overcome the emotional scars that had been given to him, but they were limited to quiet encounters in bed and in the showers.

In bed, they would rub their cocks against the other’s, using their hands for extra friction as they tried to keep their moans minimal. Their kisses were as hot as their come, and it didn’t take much to get them hard. As soon as one of them grinded their hips or started kissing just that little bit deeper, they were rutting against each other until they came. It wasn’t the best way of life, not the best way to fuck, but at least Magnus was coping, at least he felt good about it and not triggered.

Other than that downside, it was a damn good life, something that could really last for them. And by the Angel did they deserve it. After everything they had been through over the much too recent past, they needed something like this, something safe and lasting. Alec clung to the hope that this would be their forever place, and something told him it would be. Intuitions mean everything sometimes.

Alec woke up a week after they had arrived with a lighter head than he had had in a good, long while. He rolled around in the double bed, since they had pushed two beds together to make a double bed, to find Magnus sleeping peacefully beside him.

There were only a few windows lining the walls and their bed didn’t line up with any of them, but light did pour in from the closer windows, making Magnus’ face all shadows and light. It illuminated his beautiful skin, deepening the hollows of his cheeks in a manner that was not because he was too thin but because he had gorgeous cheekbones. His dark eyelashes rested lightly over his cheeks and Alec couldn’t help but see him as angelic.

Magnus would probably laugh at that description of himself and even Alec thought it was humorous, but he kind of was. Not only by looks, but by his being. He guided Alec through life, he was the beacon that kept him going in the darkest of times. If that wasn’t what angels did, then Alec had no idea what their purpose was.

The steady sound of his breathing was the single thing that made Alec feel safe and alive. If Magnus was breathing and he was calm and he was near him, then he needed nothing else. Of course, he needed Jace and Clary as well because they were dear to him, but Magnus hadn’t left his side despite everything they had gone through.

These three people were keeping Alec going. Without them, Alec would have no reason to go on, he would have no care for the world. Sometimes his love for life depleted, but he was always brought back because of these people in his life.

Not only was that the case for today, but that was the case before as well, Alec had come to realise that over his time during the apocalypse. It gave you a lot of time to think, and Alec had come to realise that life itself was about the people in it. Sure, you could be a misanthrope, but even then it would have been that hatred for humanity that kept you going. Whether you hated people or you loved them, life is, kind of, all about them.

It’s about the people you hate, the people you love, the strangers that pass you in the street, it’s all of them. People, that’s life, that is the very key to existence and its reasoning. Perhaps the meaning of life is hard to deconstruct from life itself, but people were surely a part of it. Without people, life itself is meaningless and in some strange way, doesn’t that _make_ people the meaning of life?

Alec had spent a long time thinking about that and realised that it was true. With the undead no longer being people anymore, it was even more true that those that were alive, the _actual_ people, they were the reason for living. No one really had any other cause for living other than trying to keep those you loved alive and to give them something sustainable.

Now they had, Alec could spend more time appreciating those in his life, rather than contemplating their reasoning for being. With Magnus lying a mere few inches in front of him, his heart swelled and he knew just how much Magnus meant to him. Magnus was his life and Alec realising that made his life more complete.

Leaning forward, Alec kissed Magnus’ cheek and then shuffled back, watching him as he stirred. Slowly, his eyes fluttered, his eyelashes brushing over and over again against his skin. As his eyes opened, not fully because of his slumber, his eyes met Alec’s and he smiled gently.

“Good morning,” Magnus said, his voice rough from sleep.

“Morning,” Alec replied.

“Did you kiss me?” Magnus asked as he brought a hand up to his face and rubbed his eyes.

Alec nodded, smiling at himself and at Magnus too.

“Well, aren’t I lucky?” Magnus said, leaning forward and kissing Alec full on the lips. It tasted a little like morning breath but not as bad as it would have done before because they had toothpaste here. But, it _was_ still morning so it was still the time for morning breath. They looked passed it though because being able to kiss each other was more important than anything else.

When they pulled apart, Magnus lay a hand on Alec’s hip and kept him close. Gently, Alec pressed their foreheads together and there and they lay in silence for a moment. It allowed the comfort of security to sink into their bones and they could truly enjoy the fact that this place was good and that they themselves were good too.

“So, what are we doing today?” Alec asked after the silence had lasted a satisfying time.

“I don’t know, I think Clary was talking about going off and talking to Vlad who was a doctor before. She said she was talking to someone about how he was an incredible doctor and his hospital was a part of figuring out what the hell the disease actually was, so she’s going to find him. Maybe we could do the same. The thing is though, we’re not sure where he is or where he will be because he’s the one tending to those contagious people, so I’m not sure if we should go to him, you know, because of the disease and all that.”

“I don’t think we’d get it from him,” Alec said, shrugging. “It might be interesting to talk to him though, but I don’t know what good it would do us.”

“I don’t know what else we would do,” Magnus said.

“I don’t know, I’m content just being here.”

“Whoa, since when did you become lazy?” Magnus asked, feigning shock.

“I am _not_ lazy,” Alec said.

Magnus shook his head in disbelief as he started to lightly pinch Alec’s sides, looking for fat as it were. “You are getting a little chubby. Uh oh.”

“Shut up, I am not.” Alec slapped Magnus’ hands away, snorting at him.

“I think you need to start working out,” Magnus said, wincing. “We can’t have you getting out of shape, we’ve got the zombs to run from.”

“The _zombs_?” Alec asked, quirking an eyebrow and smirking.

“What?” Magnus asked, pretending he didn’t know what he had said. “Did I say something amusing, dearest?”

“You’re such an idiot,” Alec said, smiling and unable to stop.

Smiling too, Magnus kissed Alec again before he sat up. He stretched his arms, Alec watching him as his long limbs went up and to the side. They were the only ones left in the room, everyone feeling like getting up early was the best thing for being productive.

If they were feeling risky, they could have had lazy morning sex, something they favoured back in the days when the walkers didn’t exist, but they were not feeling risky. People usually came in and out at all times during the day, and Alec had been caught having sex once with Magnus, Simon walking in completely unexpectedly and it was not an experience Alec ever wanted to have again. Ever.

They changed their clothes to day clothes, Lily having given them pyjamas which was one of the best gifts Alec had received during the apocalypse, and then they went out for the day. Summer was on its way out but the sun was still in the sky and burning everything within its path, and the breeze was light. The trees that were planted during the days of the dead were blowing gently, swaying against the wind in a calm manner. It was relaxing to watch and Alec found his attention settled on them as they walked through the roads of the military base.

They sat and chatted with a few of the occupants, most of them having warmed to the newcomers. It was a pleasant day, the signs of autumn not really beginning but the cool breeze was enough to tell them that it was on the way.

Jace and Clary were nowhere to be found so Alec presumed they were talking to Vlad or off doing their own thing. These walls and their safety, it meant that Alec could let them go off and do their own thing and he wouldn’t have to worry about their safety.

His wrist had been checked over by Derek too and he claimed it was fine. The cuts weren’t infected and they were healing nicely. Alec felt embarrassed and ashamed of himself but Derek had told him that he had had many encounters with those who had self-harmed and that he need not be ashamed of them.

Even in this place where everything was safe, people had cut themselves. No one was immune to the depression or the anxiety or anything of that ilk no matter how safe they were. Alec knew that but it had still come as shock. He guessed that, perhaps, the thought that they were stuck in these walls unable to leave was probably enough to drive anyone insane.

They might have been safe but they were confined to four walls. They couldn’t venture out, they couldn’t spend a day in the local park with their dogs. They had food, sure, but cabin fever still existed. Derek had said that most of the people had been okay but there were still a fair few who had hurt themselves because of the madness that had set within them. Alec could understand so he didn’t feel so guilty about what he had done.

Magnus took a hold of his hand as they talked to a few of the residents about their journey from New York to their current place, and he gently traced over the lines that were scarred on his wrist. It was slight but Alec could feel it. It was an odd comfort but it sort of showed that Magnus didn’t mind either. Alec was glad, if Magnus didn’t judge him for it, then Alec wouldn’t feel such shame.

He did that a lot, trace the lines and scars of Alec’s body, mainly at night. Alec did it too. They were covered in scars, their bodies mapped out by them. Every night, Magnus started tracing the scars as it had become a routine, as if this was the way Magnus was making sure Alec was still there. The scars on his wrist, the ones on his chest, even down his thighs. Every single one, Magnus would trace over the lines with the pads of his fingers.

Alec would do the same, mainly tracing over the ‘X’ on Magnus’ hand for he didn’t have as many as Alec. Back at Valentine’s, they hadn’t cut into Magnus as much as the others, Camille wanting his body clean and untouched, but he did have few. Alec traced over them, unable to trace the emotional scars.

It was their routine, their odd sense of normality. With their safety, they used that to keep themselves sane and to remember the outside world. They never wanted to go outside again, they wanted to stay here forever and since they knew that, they had to remember about what went on outside the walls. Their scars, that was their remembrance.

Alec woke up after another few days with such a light heart, he almost felt like he was floating on air. When he saw Magnus wasn’t beside him, Alec panicked for a moment but it didn’t last long. There was safety here, Magnus could walk around and he would be safe, Alec knew that.

As he got dressed, Magnus came back in and kissed his cheek in greeting.

“Hello, gorgeous,” Magnus said, chirpier than Alec had seen him in days.

“Hey,” Alec replied, wary. There was a smirk on Magnus’ face that Alec couldn’t quite understand. “What are we doing today?” He asked, cautiously.

“I was thinking,” Magnus began, snaking his hands around Alec’s hips and pulling their bodies flush together. “We could go to the showers.”

Alec scoffed. “Was yesterday not enough?” Alec asked in reference to the jerking off they did the night before.

“I was thinking we have sex,” Magnus said. “Like sex, sex.” Pulling out something from his back pocket, Magnus then revealed the silver packet he had between two fingers.

Alec’s jaw dropped minutely. “Where did you get that?”

“We have some friends here,” Magnus said. “Who knew?”

“Are you sure?” Alec asked, knowing how badly he had suffered with everything. Alec was not going to push him, he had only just broken through the barrier of touching each other sexually, he did not want to push Magnus too far, too quickly.

Instead of answering with words, Magnus leant into Alec and pressed their lips together. It was deep and hot, their mouths wet. Unable to help himself, Alec moaned into his mouth and they were both decided. The walk to the shower block was much faster than they remembered it.

Inside, they turned the showers on but only to slick themselves up once they had hastily removed their clothing. Alec held Magnus close, their bodies fitting together perfectly. The water was cool, a stark contrast to their hot skin.

Alec could feel the heat from his mouth as he kissed his way down Alec’s jaw and neck, down his stomach and eventually to his thighs leaving wet patches that were soon covered by the water from the shower. Alec immersed his hands in his hair, his shoulders falling back onto the wall, unable to keep himself up.

They hadn’t done it in months, not since the supermarket. They had touched each other, held each other, but not done this in such a long time, perhaps almost two years as wild as that sounds. Alec didn’t want them to rush but, at the same time, he was desperate to feel Magnus again. From the feel of Magnus’ tongue against his skin, Magnus was feeling something similar.

He started sucking Alec’s cock and Alec couldn’t help but moan. His mouth was hot as he took him deep into his throat with ease. They’d had practice with this aspect, but nothing else. Magnus knew how to suck Alec’s length, licking over the slit to make Alec’s knees buckle.

As Magnus moved his hands up to Alec’s ass, kneading the muscle as he sucked, Alec keened. He’d missed Magnus’ hands, missed his fingers going deep enough to bruise. Alec missed those kinds of bruises, the small ones the size of fingers. Alec wanted those bruises again.

Magnus took him deeper into his throat, moaning against him so Alec felt the vibrations course through his body. Alec thrust his head up, letting it lie on the wall of the shower block, water still pouring over them though neither paid any attention to that. All Alec cared about what Magnus, Magnus’ mouth around his cock, Magnus’ body in front of his.

Everything was entirely overwhelming as Magnus began pumping Alec's cock alongside his sucking, swallowing against his length to make Alec practically whimper. Fisting his hands in Magnus' hair, Alec did all he could to not thrust into Magnus' mouth but he was sure all of his attempts failed. His state of euphoria already made his attention to everything but Magnus' tongue and lips and mouth fall away to the back of his mind.

Before Alec could come from that, and he very well could have, Magnus withdrew and turned Alec around. Alec braced his hands against the wet wall, his ass in front of Magnus as he spread his cheeks. Alec tried to keep the moans within his throat but the way Magnus dug his thumbs into Alec’s muscle was too good to keep the moans at bay.

Then he started licking, slow at first, using long strokes of his tongue against Alec’s hole. Alec moaned, his elbows giving way so he had to rest his forehead against the wet wall. Magnus kept his cheeks spread, licking over and over as Alec’s body melted in pleasure.

Magnus pressed the tip of his thumb into his wet hole and Alec mewled, unable to stop himself. He continued to lick as he eased Alec open, kissing his ass at certain intervals. Alec could feel his body remembering Magnus as he went, his stomach tight.

Feeling the heat from his mouth, Alec bucked his hips just before Magnus removed his thumb and pressed his index finger in. Alec could feel himself clench around the digit, his body tight and desperate. He eased him open, slowly stretching him as he played with Alec’s prostate now and again, forcing Alec to moan from the depths of his throat, rucking uncontrollably.

It burnt, but that burn was a perfect one. Magnus pressed another two fingers in, stretching him and opening him. He felt good inside him, his lips hot and wet on the skin of his ass as he kissed and nipped, making Alec buck in pleasure.

Once again, before Alec could come by being stretched, for he very well could, Magnus stood and turned Alec around. They pressed their mouths together, they swollen cocks rubbing and causing them both to moan. Magnus placed his hands on Alec’s ass and squeezed, Alec unable to resist his hips rocking forward once more.

Magnus ripped open the condom packet and slid it over his cock. Lightly slapping Alec’s ass as a form of indication, Alec jumped up and wrapped his legs around Magnus’ hips. This position would take a lot of strength but, considering their desperation to feel each other again, they wouldn’t be in it for long.

Alec’s shoulders fell back against the wall for extra support as Magnus spat on his hand to lube up his cock, the water not being enough. Then he was pressing the head of his cock into Alec’s freshly stretched hole. Again, Alec clenched around him and Magnus moaned at the sensation it forced upon his cock. They kissed again, messy and full of tongue.

Magnus’ hands were warm against Alec’s skin, one on the underside of his thigh and the other pressing into his ass to keep him in place. Their skin rubbed against each other, their bodies connecting, moving like one. Alec had missed the feeling and he would hold onto it like he held onto nothing else, and he held onto Magnus with his arms around his shoulders, keeping their bodies together.

After Magnus stretched Alec fully with the length of his cock, they started rocking in a rhythm. It was slow, neither wanting to go too fast but it felt so good. Alec remembered Magnus’ cock, remembered the feel of Magnus inside him and it was perfection. His body was consumed by waves of pleasure, his body weak as he felt Magnus deep inside him.

Their lips smacked against each other, hot. Alec did all he could to help Magnus with the fucking, rocking back onto his cock as Magnus moved up, his hips gripped hard by Magnus’ fingers.

They rocked like that, perfectly in sync until neither could hold on. Alec touched his own cock, pumping himself as he continued to kiss Magnus, their tongues meeting like fire. They couldn’t stop moaning, their skin slapping, the sound amplified because of the water running down their bodies.

It felt fantastic, Alec couldn’t hold on. His stomach was tight, his chest rising and falling heavily. Their breathing grew short, their mouths no longer meeting but just apart, hot as they breathed against each other. His cock pulsed and throbbed, desperate to come.

With his pumping fast, he came and it covered his stomach but it was soon washed away with the steady stream. The clenching of his ass as the orgasm swept through him made Magnus come too, filling the condom as he pulled out of Alec.

Even though he was exhausted, Magnus didn’t let go of Alec. He pressed him further into the wall, Alec’s back flush against it as Magnus pressed his forehead onto Alec’s shoulder. He kissed the wet skin over and over, his lips soft now.

“Are you okay?” Alec asked, a slight concern filling him when Magnus said nothing despite their breathing calming.

“Mhm,” Magnus responded and Alec could feel him smiling into his shoulder. “I just wanted to feel you again.”

Alec smiled and kissed Magnus’ wet hair. Slowly, Magnus let his grip slip from Alec’s thigh and ass until they both stood, hugging still. Neither wanted to let go, not yet.

“Was that good?” Magnus asked quietly.

“Mm.” Alec kissed Magnus’ neck which made him shiver. “But I did just realise something, Magnus.”

“What?” Magnus pulled away, concern in his eyes.

“Condoms don’t work in the shower,” Alec said.

“Oh well.” Magnus shrugged. “We’ve got bigger fish to fry, my love.” Magnus grinned and kissed Alec again.

After they dressed, Alec decided to go back to their sleeping quarters to grab Max’s bear for he never felt comfortable when he was without it for too long. When he got back, he found a body shaped lump in Clary’s bed which he thought was odd considering it was only the afternoon, but he didn’t question it. He picked up the bear and went to go away when she stirred.

“Alec?” Clary’s voice asked, but it didn’t sound like her. It was all rough, and hoarse, and a lot huskier than Alec was used to.

He stopped in his tracks and turned around as she sat up, the blankets clinging to her as if she were cold despite the heat. Her eyes were red and puffy, and her bright, red hair did nothing but bring out more red in her cheeks and all of her face in fact. There were odd red pustules blooming across her face and on her neck too. Without realising he was doing it, Alec took a step back.

“Clary?” Alec said, his voice much quieter.

“I think I’m sick,” Clary said.

“Okay,” Alec said. “Do you need me to get Vlad or Derek or someone?”

“Please.”

Alec nodded and left the base in a hurry to find someone. Over the past few days, people had been speculating about someone called Alexei being sicker every day and, if what everyone had been saying was true about Alexei not seeming to recover, then Alec needed Clary to get better as soon as possible. They had medicine so Alec knew he didn’t have to worry, he just needed to get her help.

He bumped into Derek first and told him about Clary. Oddly, his face drained of colour and he ran off in order to find Vlad, leaving Alec alone. Not knowing what to do or where to go, Alec left to find Magnus, the bear still in his hand. He would have gone back to Clary but knowing that the disease was contagious made him want to get as far away as possible, hoping she would understand.

He found Magnus soon after but, just as he reached him, the lights around the military base started flashing. It was ominous, the way the flashing, red lights illuminated everything in its darkened manner before it returned to shadows. No one else except for Magnus and Alec seemed bothered by it, but Alec felt like something terrible was about to happen.

According to everyone else, those lights meant there was to be a giant meeting of everyone in the big hall, so they all started going that way. Alec thought it was on the dangerous side, to illuminate the entire base in the night sky, lighting it up as a beacon for all to see, walkers included. None of them seemed to care so Alec just went along with it. These guys knew what they were doing, Alec probably shouldn’t question it.

On the way, Alec looked out for Jace but he didn’t appear to be anywhere near. Hopefully someone would inform Jace about what was going on too because he doubted Jace would figure it out by himself; he wasn’t always the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Inside the huge hall, people had already gathered in their hundreds. Magnus and Alec found their space to the side of the room and waited for everyone else to filter in. They held hands, strangely fearful despite the fact everyone else was so calm. For a moment, Alec felt as though he were back at the beginning of the apocalypse, stuck in that building with all those people and nowhere to go. He felt claustrophobic and had to grip Magnus’ hand hard to gain his composure.

“Are you okay?” Magnus asked him quietly.

“I just feel a little like we’re all packed in,” Alec said, his chest becoming tight.

Magnus kissed into Alec’s hair. “You’re okay, deep breaths. Nothing’s going to happen.”

Alec tried some deep breaths, hoping that, when someone started explaining what was going on, he could focus on something else. A few times in his life, Alec had had issues with anxiety. Times like these, when Clary was sick and Jace was missing and everyone was packed into a room like sardines, those were the sorts of times that brought it out.

Squeezing his hand reassuringly, Magnus kept telling him that he was okay, reassuring him that everything was going to be fine. It helped Alec, but his chest was still too tight and his breathing didn’t return to its normal pace but with Magnus beside him, he could cope as long as he remembered to breathe.

Raphael walked out onto the raised platform with Lily, Elliott, and Derek beside him. A hush fell over the room as Raphael prepared himself to talk. Alec had no idea what he was about to say or why he needed everyone there to talk to, but Alec was patient and he could wait.

“Hello everyone,” Raphael began. “I don’t want any of you to worry and I’m sure that none of you are, which is good. Now, I believe that being honest with all of you is the best way to ensure we do not go mad, so here it is; Alexei died this morning. He was the first one to get this sickness that there are now eight cases of. Vlad is doing all he can to check if Alexei died from this illness or from something else entirely.

To ensure this is handled to the best of our ability, we will be handing out masks and anything else that can be used as masks because we do not want this to spread if it is lethal. We will also be separating our town into three sections, those who have the illness, those who have come into contact with those who were sick, and those who are highly unlikely to contract it-,”

“Well, who’s sick?” Some girl asked from amongst the crowd.

“Zeke, Louis, Dolly, Gregor, Clary, Jace, and Coselle has got it now too,” Raphael answered.

“Did he just say Jace?” Magnus asked, looking at Alec who had frozen to the spot.

“Not our Jace, surely,” Alec said through a tight throat. “He was fine this morning.”

“So was Clary.”

_Shit._

“How close did you come to her?” Magnus asked, Raphael was still talking but neither Magnus nor Alec were paying attention anymore; their minds were focused on their family and their wellbeing.

“I was a fair few feet away, it should be fine, right?” Alec asked, looking to Magnus.

“And you weren’t there for very long?”

Alec shook his head. “A few seconds really.”

“Then you should be fine.”

Alec didn’t feel fine. His throat had closed up and he was struggling to breathe, all of his muscles freezing as well. Feeling like he was starting to sweat, Alec didn’t know what to think.

If Jace and Clary were sick and Alexei died from this disease, then this wasn’t good for them, any of them. Walkers were one thing, a contagious disease was another. You could defend yourself from the undead, you couldn’t defend yourself against a sickness.

But they would be fine, this place had amazing medicine and Vlad, who knew more than Alec could even comprehend. This would not end badly, perhaps Alexei was just a sickly man and everything combined to kill him. That had to be it. There was no way the world would be as cruel as to hand them the undead as well as this disease that would kill them in another way, it was not possible, not in Alec’s mind.

But his mind was thinking it and it was running so fast he could barely keep up. After they took their masks and Magnus assured them that they had not come into contact with any of the sick, they left in a hurry to get to a secluded spot in order to calm Alec’s mind.

Always being able to tell when Alec was in need of help with his anxiety, Magnus took Alec to a shower block and locked the door. Sitting them in one of the corners, Magnus knelt in front of him and took his hand, letting the other grip onto Max’s bear.

They had their masks on and it did not help Alec’s breathing. The hot air was being thrust back into his face, making his entire body hotter as he tried to cool it down with his breathing that just wouldn’t work. His body was shaking, but Magnus was there, being his rock that he so desperately needed. Although he was probably doing it too hard, Magnus didn’t complain as Alec squeezed his hand. He needed it.

His body was going numb as his mind tried to focus on a thousand things at once. He was shaking fiercely, Magnus’ hands around his own not doing all that much to help him calm. It was a little help, only a slight bit since his mind was entirely too focused on other things.

Everything was crumbling fast, Alec’s chest was too tight, his throat closing. His head felt light, the oxygen not getting to it fast enough. Magnus was there in front of him, telling him that he was okay and that they would be fine. It wasn’t getting through to him but, if they kept at it, Alec would be okay. Eventually.

He needed to calm his breathing and take deep breaths. He had never had counselling for his anxiety but he knew the techniques he had to do in order to not pass out. Deep breath in, focus on the world around him, release. Deep breath in, see Magnus in front of him, release. Deep breath him, let the world solidify, release.

With Magnus telling him that they would be okay, his breathing regulated and he stopped shaking. Finally, he could focus his mind on single thoughts as they came and went. First, they were about his brother and his sister-in-law.

“Do you think they’ll be okay?” Alec asked the second his mind had calmed.

“This place is good, and they don’t know what happened to Alexei yet, I wouldn’t worry about them.”

“And us?”

“What about us?”

“Will we get sick?” Alec asked, concern heavy in his mind and tone.

“I shouldn’t think so,” Magnus said, his voice seeming more and more muffled by the cloth across his mouth. “We’ve got these now and they both seemed fine this morning, so I don’t think we’ll get it.”

“I haven’t seen Jace, I don’t know what’s going on with him.”

“We can’t go and see him,” Magnus said, squeezing Alec’s hands. “We can’t risk it. Raph said we have to go and collect our stuff from our bunks and go to one of the new blocks. We’re not even supposed to be here in case it has anything to do with the water or it’s waterborne or something. We just have to be careful.”

“I thought this place was good,” Alec said, defeated.

“It is good.” Magnus cupped Alec’s cheek and made their eyes meet. “Good things take work, that’s all. We can’t live content all the time, my love. That would be too fair.”


	25. The Real Tragedy of Life

> “We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.”  
>  ― Plato

_Magnus_

_Before_

_Over the next few weeks, the rest of their family members died, one by one. First it was Luke, sacrificing himself so the rest could escape a small gathering of the undead in a shopping venue they thought was safe until the bandits attacked and let the walkers in. Then, in the camp, Elaine and Rebecca were eaten in their sleep, alerting the others to how foolish they had been to set up in there. Jonathan was shot by bandits and Jocelyn, unable to deal with it, killed herself when they were back on the road._

_They were doing okay after that. They weren’t doing amazingly, but they weren’t fucking up considerably either. The world was in a state of panic but Magnus and the others were getting by. It was tough and they didn’t know what they were doing or where they were going, but they_ were _going. That was the main thing._

_Everything went dark quicker than seemed possible. The streetlamps stopped working, water turned off in the blink of an eye, and gas just switched off. Cars didn’t drive, there was nothing. The world was dead. A convenient choice of words, one might think._

_Most of the time, Magnus stuck by Alec so much that, if they were ever a centimetre apart, he would panic. They were always touching, unless they were running and even then Magnus would try and hold Alec’s hand if it was possible. He never wanted to let go. They needed to get through it together and Magnus was trying to ensure that fate by never letting go._

_A small part of Magnus wondered if Alec would get annoyed by all of his touching and holding but Alec was behaving exactly the same as Magnus, so he carried on with his ways. Sometimes it was Alec that sought his hand out to hold, sometimes it was Alec that clung to his shirt when they slept. They were both clinging to each other because, alongside their friends and family, that was all they had._

_They had lost so much so early on, and Magnus was not going to lose Alec. If he ensured that by holding onto Alec at every available opportunity, then so be it. Magnus was not going to slip through his grasp, not ever._

_They had learned to sleep haphazardly anywhere in any situation. As long as they had someone on watch, something they had figured out perhaps a little too late, then they would sleep anywhere. Currently, they were sleeping on a balcony of some fire escape outside an apartment block._

_Inside, it was a mess of walkers and the undead so they dared not go in. For that reason too, no one else had dared venture inside so the six of them were safe from bandits. It was a small bonus considering they had to sleep outside on metal rodding._

_Simon and Isabelle were taking the first watch, always doing it in pairs so the loneliness didn’t consume them during the night. Magnus and Alec were curled up together at one of the ends, Magnus’ back pressed against the railing as he pulled Alec into his chest._

_They were facing each other, arms wrapped around the other’s body and hugging them close. Each couple was absorbed in their own world when it came to night. None of them listened to each other as they talked, they let the others be and set themselves within their own worlds._

_Magnus and Alec were clinging to each other with the knowledge that their friends and family were safe, so they could be in each other’s company and not worry. They could be together and talk to each other and not panic about what would happen the next morning. Sure, they were always thinking about the future but a moment of peace wasn’t so bad. When they could get it, they always clung to it._

_“Do you think we’ll get through this?” Alec asked quietly into Magnus’ neck for that was where he had buried his face._

_“Yes, of course we will,” Magnus assured, massaging Alec’s back though he wasn’t sure of his own words. He wanted to believe they could be okay, as long as they were together Magnus had to believe that they would be okay, but he wasn’t sure of it. He wanted to be, but he wasn’t._

_“Is there an end?” Alec asked._

_“To all this?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“I hope so,” Magnus said. “I don’t know what it’ll be or when it will come, but it has to end. Somewhere.” He pressed a kiss to the top of Alec’s head._

_“I’m scared, Magnus,” Alec said, so quietly that none of the others would have been able to hear even if they were listening._

_“I know, darling, I know.” He planted more kisses into Alec’s hair. “I am too, but we’re good together.”_

_“We’re sleeping on a fire escape.”_

_“It’s not the best, I know, but we’re doing okay. Come on, we’re okay. I need you to stay strong for me, my love.” Magnus gently squeezed the muscle of Alec’s arm. “Look how far we’ve come-,”_

_“And how many people we’ve lost,” Alec said._

_“But we have each other. I know that sounds awful because we lost Max and the others and they deserve to be here just as much as we are, but they aren’t. If we keep going, then we do so in their memory. I know it’s scary, Alexander, I know that. But we’re here, darling, we’re here.”_

_“How long will we be here?”_

_“For as long as we are, my love. I cannot determine that, but we’ll be here for a long time. I know that and I need you to know that too.”_

_“I’m just scared.”_

_“I know, I know,” Magnus said and he pulled Alec closer into his chest. “You don’t have to be so scared if I’m with you, Alexander. As long as we’re together, nothing’s going to happen, okay? Do you know that?”_

_Magnus could feel Alec shrug against him._

_“You don’t know that?”_

_“Does being together help at all?”_

_“Of course it does,” Magnus said, hoping it was true. “Nothing bad can happen when we’re together. Nothing, nothing at all.”_

_After_

It seemed to sweep over the entire base quicker than seemed at all possible. It was like a darkness consuming them. What was once light and health was now dark and sickness in an almost literal sense. There didn’t seem to be any stopping it, people were dropping ill like flies.

Before Magnus even knew what was happening, almost the entire base was sick. No one else had died since Alexei but they still hadn’t figured out why he had died or how to stop the sickness either. No one was getting better and they didn’t know what to do.

Thankfully, Alec was still okay. Neither of them had come anywhere near to being sick, but who knew what could happen next? A few hours before, Marcel had been healthy and ready to fight everyone, and then he had collapsed on the Wall and was coughing up blood through his mask. He had been dragged off to the ever growing community of the sick.

The sick ones had taken over eight of the centres, those who had come into contact with them only had one building because, within a few hours of going there, they too got sick. The healthy people were confined to three buildings at the very far end of the base. It was lonely and dull being stuck there without much space to move around but at least they were healthy. That’s what mattered.

They had to wear masks constantly and it was terribly bothersome. When they had to eat, they had to seclude themselves to a corner and eat where no one else was. Of course, Magnus and Alec stuck together but it still wasn’t very convenient.

The fact that they hadn’t even been there that long and this place was overcome with disease did irritate Magnus to no end. They had been in search of a safe place and, for the most part, the _place_ was safe, it was the illness that wasn’t. Everything seemed to be infected and they had no such worries like these outside of the Walls, and now they just had another thing burdening them.

At least they _had_ walls, Magnus had to remind himself of that every few hours. If they were out there, it would be more dangerous, right? The undead would be on them every step of the way and, inside, they couldn’t be there. Magnus hadn’t seen a walker since they got in, which was grand. And these different worries were still terrible, but the threat of death seemed lesser. Life here was functioning a lot more than it was out there.

That was until more people started to die within the walls, then it got bad. The second Vlad came out with the news that Alexei had died from the illness he had caught, Dolly died. It had shocked a lot of people and instilled a sort of panic. If this had happened anywhere else, then rioting would have occurred next but Raphael knew how to keep everyone calm and Magnus was more than glad for that.

He handed out cloths and cleaning supplies to every healthy civilian and told them to clean everything they touched before and after they used it. They were to not touch anyone, not even the other healthy people, and they were to stay in their buildings and their sections until further notice.

Only disobeying the no touching rule, Magnus and Alec became rather secluded. Constantly, they worried about Jace and Clary. They hadn’t seen them, they hadn’t been _allowed_ to see them because of how sick they were. Both of them just wanted a glance, just to see and know that they were okay, but Vlad had said that it was impossible.

Vlad was adamant. So many of their people had fallen sick, if any more went, the entire base might stop functioning. Magnus and Alec had to take up responsibilities like watching the Wall and even helping cook if they could manage it. Magnus didn’t mind the work, it calmed him and kept his mind busy, gave them something to do so they weren’t focusing so fully on how their family were faring.

The disease went as so: it started with a headache, a mild one that grew into something much larger, much more painful. As the headache grew, a sore throat blossomed and grew, stretching up and swelling the tonsils. Next came the pustules, large and yellow with puss. When they popped, the mucus that sprayed across the skin would then form into pustules themselves.

Magnus watched once as someone’s pustule burst and the puss landed in someone’s mouth. It almost made Magnus sick and, a few hours later, it was rumoured that that person had pustules blooming on their tongue. Magnus very nearly threw up every time he thought about it.

Following the rapid growth and bursting of pustule lumps came the itchy skin that split with ease. It was as if blood stopped clotting too for it flowed out quicker than people could stop it, forcing the sick to be bandaged and wrapped up like mummies.

Then came the coughing, dry at first before it became bloody. After the blood spotted from the mouth, it started to choke people, flowing from their throats and, eventually, it flowed from the eyes too.

For a moment, Magnus didn’t understand how Vlad could believe that Alexei died from anything other than the disease but, apparently, these symptoms developed slowly in Alexei and he had other sicknesses that prohibited him from being a healthy form and an adequate test subject for the disease. Alexei didn’t die from all the blood loss but from something in the head because a fever set over him too, something the other sick people didn’t yet have. That’s why Vlad knew this illness added to Alexei’s cause of death, but he didn’t know if it was the sole cause.

And, another thing was that, as diseases progressed, the symptoms got worse because they had time to develop. They managed to work their way into and through the immune system in different ways because that’s how diseases worked. That was why everyone got the common cold so often; it developed, it changed its ways so that it could always attack people’s immune systems.

Furthermore, if you didn’t have medicines for such like a lot of people did for the common cold, the disease didn’t need to work around the barriers that were stopping it from progressing and killing healthy cells. Therefore, because this illness didn’t have much working against it, it could develop its symptoms and grow lethal faster than it could be stopped.

Magnus guessed it was the same for undead’s illness too. No one was able to stop that from happening, no one knew it was happening before it was too late. It had all the time in the world to work its way into people subtly, allowing itself to harbour and fester without causing any alarm. All it needed was triggering and the world was in its hands.

Perhaps Magnus was personifying it a little too much but that’s what it felt like at times; it felt like a person. It felt like a being with feelings and thoughts, planning the best way possible to get into people and destroy them from the inside. It was some villainous plot, some Machiavel that did all it could do conquer mankind.

Maybe that was too much personification but it was the only way at times for Magnus to wrap his head around it. This deadly thing, this invisible danger was destroying their lives more than people ever could. How can you protect yourself against something that isn’t a being?

There is no answer, so they had to work their way around it. But there was no way to work around it, not when it was in every direction they turned. Vlad tried all sorts of medicines, all sorts of treatments, all sorts of everything, and nothing seemed to work. They all just got worse.

Every night, everyone that was still healthy, a dismal number at this point, would gather together in a hall with a safe distance apart from each other and listen to Vlad’s reports. Raphael, Elliott, and Lily were still safe which seemed to keep everyone else calm. If Raphael was still leading them all with a level head then they could still function as a town.

Vlad would tell them who was still alive and who was dead. The numbers of the dead started few and it relieved those who were not related to them. Each time he spoke of the dead, Alec and Magnus got tense, desperately hoping Jace and Clary’s name did not come up and, so far, they hadn’t. It was a small wave of relief that came over them.

Then he would talk about developing symptoms and order people, if they felt even slightly sick, to tell someone else immediately and vacate the healthy buildings. Every time Magnus’ head pained him for even a moment, fear struck his heart cold. Then it would pass and Magnus would feel all the tension leave his body faster than he could actually feel.

Soon enough, they all forgot the worries of the undead outside the Walls and they became focused on trying to keep the death count low. Vlad started experimenting with odder drugs, using rare plants and just random oddities in the hope that he might find something. Little came.

They spent a lot of their time just in bed, contemplating life and their next move. Magnus knew they had to stay, they couldn’t go out there, not again. Even more so, if Jace and Clary were sick, they would not leave without them and they wouldn’t be able to get out anyway. This place was where they had to stay, kind of whether they wanted to or not.

But a part of Magnus thought maybe they _should_ go again. Yes, this place had safety and walls, but this disease was another threat altogether. If they were wiped out by this illness, Magnus would feel really, really stupid. Like the biggest idiot of them all.

Sure, it couldn’t be helped if they caught something, how could it be their fault? But Magnus would feel so worthless if, with all the undead outside, they died from some puss and bloody coughing. It was a little more than that, yes, but that’s what Magnus boiled it down to. There was no way he wanted to die from this if there were actual zombies outside.

Their choices were, however, limited once again, as they always seemed to be. They couldn’t leave because they simply couldn’t. It didn’t make much sense to leave, not since they had just arrived. It may be dangerous, but the outside had many more threats: starvation, the cold, bandits. If this place could solve those problems, leaving didn’t make much sense. They had medicine here, and they needed medicine.

Magnus ran through those thoughts pretty much every hour, not able to think about much else. His dreams, other than the one where Alec slipped from his grip, contained mainly the questions running through his mind about what to do and the pros and cons. When he awoke, he was always more confused than when he went to bed.

Usually, he found Alec awake, resting on his chest and staring blankly into space. His mask still rested upon his face, making him look like a surgeon and Magnus wanted more than anything to remove that mask and kiss him, but he couldn’t risk it.

Magnus guessed that Alec was thinking things through like Magnus was. They faced the same difficulties and they tried talking them through but they never came to a conclusion. The disease brought an atmosphere of defeatism and they didn’t have the effort to talk everything through.

They were mainly thankful that they weren’t sick themselves. If they had gotten sick, Magnus probably wouldn’t know what to do and commit suicide. It sounded drastic, but that’s how he felt, that’s how everyone felt. If they weren’t sick, they had to live with the sickness in a different way and then, if they got it, what would be the point if they couldn’t avoid it anymore?

Alec shuffled and sat up, not glancing at Magnus because he wasn’t sure if he was awake. Stretching a hand out, Magnus ran it along the curve of Alec’s clothed spine. They hadn’t had any more sexual encounters since the disease spread and Magnus missed his body.

As odd as it sounds, he missed the scars, missed seeing them properly. They touched them and traced them as reminders of their past. The scars on Alec’s wrists, the others one caused by Valentine and his people, those ones reminded them of everything. It helped them to stay strong, to remember what they had faced and what they could get through, but it also triggered a fear. It was another reason they hadn’t had sex, another reason they hadn’t gotten back on the horse, though that was not meant to sound as lewd as it does.

Turning, Alec looked at Magnus and, by the looks in his eyes because his face was obscured, he smiled. Magnus did the same, hoping Alec could tell he was smiling by the look of his own eyes. Their eyes did look on the sadder side, but attempting to smile made them light up for a moment.

“Morning,” Alec said, muffled through the sound of his mask.

“Morning,” Magnus repeated.

He too sat up, stretching his sore muscles. The rest of the beds were empty bar a few heavy sleepers who had fallen into depression because their loved ones had fallen sick. There were a lot less bunks than there had been when they first moved into this room. People came in and removed the beds, burning them to ensure the sickness didn’t spread.

“I’m going to ask to see Clary and Jace again,” Alec said, standing and changing his clothes. They had gotten used to the closed confinements and if someone saw them changing, neither cared because they had worse things to worry about than someone seeing their bare skin.

“He’s turned us down every time,” Magnus said, watching him. “I don’t see the point in asking again.”

“I don’t want to give up,” Alec said as he zipped up his jeans’ fly before pulling his shirt over his head. “I haven’t seen them in almost two weeks, I can’t go much longer.”

“You could get sick.”

“Vlad hasn’t gotten sick.” He sat after putting his new shirt on and started doing up his shoes that were well worn out.

“But Vlad’s been exposed to this sort of thing since he went to medical school. You know, because of that, he’d have a stronger immune system than the rest of us, than you, so I don’t think that’d be a smart idea.”

“We could meet halfway.”

“Alec,” Magnus said and Alec paused what he was doing to look at him. “Please don’t.”

“You don’t want to?” Alec looked almost angry at him for suggesting such a thing.

“We can see them when they get better.”

“Who knows when that’ll be?” Alec said, exasperated as he turned back to tying up his shoes.

“Alec-,” Magnus tried again.

“I want to leave.”

“What?”

“I think it might be best if we leave.”

Magnus was not expecting that. If Magnus was expecting anything, he thought Alec would fight to keep them to stay if Magnus brought on his doubts. Alec liked this safety, Magnus knew Alec felt best and calmest when there were walls around them. Why he was saying such a thing, Magnus had no idea.

“You do?” Magnus asked, not knowing what else to say.

“I know it’s good here, bar the disease, but I think we’re too scared to do anything in case we get sick. It’s worse to live that way. Out there, it sucks because of the undead everywhere but at least we can escape that knowing that we _can_ escape them. This could go away, but it might come back, you know, everyone could get better but one person getting sick would ruin everything again.”

“We just got here,” Magnus said quietly.

Alec stood and turned to face Magnus. Magnus was sure there was a serious expression beneath his mask, but it was obscured.

“Don’t you notice a pattern here?” Alec asked, looking at Magnus as if he were the most naïve person he had ever met. “Did you actually _hope_? You got your hopes up _again_?”

“I thought you did too?”

“For a moment, but it felt like I was pretending. This is the way it is, this is the way the world is now,” Alec said, running a hand through his hair. “We find a place, it goes down; we had that building in the beginning, people went crazy; we had the hotel, it got overrun; we had the shops, people came in and then the walkers did; we had that campsite; it got overrun; we had the town, it didn’t work because I couldn’t trust the people there anymore; we had the supermarket, and we were taken by those fuckers; we had that place they took us to but it reminded us of everything we went through, everything _you_ were put through; we had the cabins, there was a fire; we had this place, there’s a disease.

It’s the way it is, it’s the way the world is, telling us that nothing works anymore. It’s its way of showing us that we can’t depend on things, that, if we do depend on something, then we’re too naïve to live anymore. We can’t depend on anything, and I didn’t think you would do that.” Alec released a sigh as if he had been holding that in for his entire life.

“And you’d rather be out there?” Magnus asked.

He felt defeated. Alec was the one who always seemed to have hope, even in the darkest of times. Sure, it wavered but he always seemed to return, he always got better. When Magnus was finding himself lost, he would look to Alec and Alec would lead the way. That was their kind of relationship, they worked off each other in that way.

But now he saw Alec looking lost amongst the world. That was the real tragedy of life; those with the most hope would lose it, it broke the best people until they had nothing left. Magnus was trying to guide him, trying to help but he was slipping away. As the hope died from his eyes, it felt like he too was dying, as though his spirit, his soul, whatever you called it was disappearing into a world of darkness. Magnus wanted to be his light but Alec looked like he was struggling to find it.

“I wouldn’t rather be out there,” Alec said. “I’d rather be anywhere but _here_ , anywhere but in this world. But we are here and I’d rather be somewhere that lasts, but nothing lasts. I thought you knew that.”

“I hoped-,”

“You always hope. Where does it get us?”

“Are you blaming me?” Magnus asked, his shoulders sinking.

“No, no,” Alec recovered quickly and he sat back on the bed. “No, I’m not blaming anyone, it’s this world that gets us like this and it’s no one’s fault. I’m just saying, we shouldn’t believe in these places because it doesn’t work.”

“Maybe it’s just us,” Magnus said, joking lightly. “Everything seems to work until we get there. That town, it was my fault that no one trusted Woolsey.”

Alec laughed lightly. “It’s our fault Jem and Tess don’t have the others now.”

“And now we’re here, and the disease is taking off,” Magnus finished.

“Maybe we’re cursed,” Alec said, smiling despite what he was saying.

It was a dark subject to be talking about and they were smiling, smiling because what else could they do? They were too far gone to worry about the past and what they had done. With the world being as sick as it was, there was little point in fretting about what had already happened and they could laugh because they were sick in the mind too.

In fact, it was almost impossible to get this far into life and not be sick. Whether it was physically or mentally, everyone had something going on. It could have been subtle like the depression both Alec and Magnus were feeling, or it may have been obvious like the others in the room who were still sleeping despite Magnus and Alec talking so loudly. Everyone was sick in some way now.

“Maybe me and you should just go,” Alec said, so quietly Magnus almost missed it.

“Really?” Magnus never expected him to say something like that. Magnus was close to his Biscuit, but Alec was Jace’s brother. It would be too tough for Alec to let go of them, especially if Magnus found it so tough to think about, so he couldn’t believe he had even mentioned it.

“No, not really, but I’ve thought about it.”

“Would you do it?”

“No, not ever,” Alec said, and he looked away from Magnus, immersing himself in his words as he spoke. “There’s no way on Earth that I would give them up after everything we’ve been through. Everything we’ve done, they’ve been there and I couldn’t let them go, but it’s crossed my mind a couple of times. We could do it, out there, by ourselves. Cat and Ragnor were doing it and we’d have each other, and we _could_ do it.”

“But we aren’t going to?” Magnus was trying to figure out Alec’s stance. If Alec thought it best to go without Clary and Jace, then Magnus would go. It would take some persuasion and some force because Magnus loved Clary and Jace, but Alec was too dear to him to lose and Alec sometimes knew best.

“No,” Alec said.

Magnus agreed.

“But I need to see them again,” Alec followed on. “I need to.”

“But Vlad-,”

“Vlad can’t stop us. He can tell us what to do, but he can’t stop us,” Alec said, and he stood again. “Are you coming or not?”

He hesitated for a moment but then agreed. Dressing quickly, they walked over to the in between area of the sick and the healthy, and bumped into Raphael. Each time Magnus saw him, he looked more frazzled. He seemed like he would be a rather calm figure, but everyone had their breaking points.

His eyes were sunken, his cheeks very hollow, and he looked skinnier. Magnus pitied him. He had had something so good and it had looked like it was going to last, and now this disease was tearing it apart. He just wanted something good and good things never lasted, not anymore. Whether it fell apart after a few days or a few years, it _always_ fell apart.

He furrowed his brow when he saw the two of them. “Are you two sick?”

“No,” Magnus answered.

A visible wave of relief washed over him and some tension raised from his body. “Good, we can’t handle anymore.”

“We want to see Clary and Jace,” Alec explained.

“How many times do we have to tell you? That’s a stupid idea,” Raphael said.

“We haven’t seen them in weeks.”

“And look how healthy you are.” Raphael was a stubborn man, but it was clear he had only the best intentions.

“A few minutes with them will be okay,” Alec pleaded.

“Unless it isn’t.”

“We’re going to see them whether you tell us we can or not,” Alec said. It was a side to Alec Magnus had never seen before. It was kind of hot, Magnus wasn’t going to lie, but he had other things to focus on rather than how much he wanted to fuck his boyfriend.

“So you’re okay with getting sick?” Raphael said in a condescending tone. “I’ve met some thick people in my time-,”

“We’re not thick,” Alec cut him off. Magnus could almost feel blood rushing down to areas he cared not for attention to be brought to at that moment in time. “They’re our family and we need to see them.”

Raphael considered it for a moment before sighing. He called Derek over and told him to bring Jace and Clary to a secluded area of the base where neither sick nor healthy people were. Raphael said that Alec and Magnus had to clean it all once they were done or on their heads be it, and they agreed. They’d do anything to see their family again.

Magnus and Alec got there first and they waited patiently. The room was stark of everything except windows and doors. The floor was in its barest concrete state, the walls were stripped of all paint, and the windows let light pour in. Autumn was on their doorstep and the light was softer than in the summer, a gentle shade. Clouds were blossoming in the sky, the heat from the sun missing.

They were told to keep their distance, at least three metres between them and they would abide by that rule. They didn’t want to get sick, no part of them wanted that, they just wanted to see them again, they needed to know they were safe, that’s all.

When they came through the door, Magnus’ heart practically stopped. They looked sick, but not as sick as some of the others Magnus had spotted as they were moved through the base. They too were wearing masks but Magnus could see their sunken eyes and the dark circles that lay beneath them. Sleepless nights came with bloody coughs that they were clearly experiencing because their hands were covered in dried blood that had stained their hands. They walked slowly, both of them much thinner than Magnus knew them to be. Clary had always been a curvy girl and to see her bones so obviously sticking out was shocking to say the least.

Jace fared little better. Whilst Clary had no visible pustules, Jace had three across his face. They were small but they were there. His golden hair had lost its shine and his face was gaunt, much too gaunt for Jace who was always healthy and ready to leave a snarky comment. Being so thin made him look weak and Jace was never known to be weak.

They walked as though they were frail, as if their bones would snap if they stepped too heavily. Derek escorted them in, leaving them at their three metre mark before he left the building, in need to save lives if he could. There they stood in silence, the healthy opposite the weak.

Suddenly, Magnus didn’t know what to say. These people were not ones he recognised. They hadn’t been gone long, but it was long enough to change this much. Clary and Jace were the sarcastic couple, the ones that fought against all odds. These people didn’t seem to be them, not anymore.

“Hi,” Alec said, quiet, voice muffled by the cloth across his mouth.

“Hey there,” Jace replied and it looked as though he attempted a smile. His voice was hoarse, almost silent because of his sore throat. He coughed and it shook his entire body as he fought against it. “Something up?” He asked after he coughed.

“We wanted to see you,” Alec said, taking the lead because Magnus wasn’t able to talk, not after seeing his Biscuit in her current state.

“Well, here we are,” Clary said and she didn’t sound like herself at all.

“You woke us up for this?” Jace said, forcing himself to joke. It sounded foreign even though this was the Jace Magnus knew; the snarky one. Perhaps it was because he was forcing it, it just sounded wrong.

“Are you guys okay?” Alec asked.

“Other than the disease that feels like it’s tearing my lungs apart, pretty good, yeah,” Jace said, shrugging. “Are you two okay?”

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Alec asked.

“I don’t know, it might be scary waiting for this thing to pounce on you.”

Alec shrugged and looked to Magnus. Magnus nodded at Clary and Jace, admitting that he was worried for his own safety. He hoped it didn’t sound selfish. These two could literally be dying and Magnus was worried about his own health.

“Was there something you actually wanted?” Jace asked, to reassure himself Magnus guessed.

“Do you guys want to stay here?” Alec asked, not beating about the bush.

This whole dominance thing was really getting Magnus aroused and he would have been rock hard if he wasn’t looking at his terribly sick best friends. He tried to focus on them and it worked, but when Alec spoke like that, Magnus was reminded of the things he wanted to do to Alec that he couldn’t.

“What? You want us to leave?” Clary asked, covering her clothed mouth as she coughed.

“We don’t want you to leave, or want to leave necessarily, but it might be better,” Alec said, though he didn’t sound confident in what he was saying.

“Better for you?” Jace asked, curious more than anything else.

“A little I guess,” Alec said. “But here, I feel like you might just get sicker, or you might not get the attention you need if everyone here is sick.”

“But there’s medicine here. And Vlad,” Clary pointed out.

“I know,” Alec said. “That’s why we wanted to talk. Magnus and I are stuck, confused or something like that. We don’t know what to do.”

“Do you want to go without us?” Clary asked and it wasn’t an accusation, she was gentle in her tone as if she was okay with it.

“No, no way. I won’t even consider it,” Alec said.

“But-,” Jace began.

“No,” Alec said firmly. “Don’t even consider that, not for a second, Jonathan.”

Silence claimed the room. Alec never called Jace ‘Jonathan’, not ever. In fact, Magnus didn’t think he had ever heard anyone call Jace by his birth name, except for those back at Valentine’s, but Magnus did not care to think about them. Magnus didn’t know the entire story behind it, but Jace loathed the name and Alec, being the loving and understanding brother he was, never used it.

In using it, everyone understood how serious Alec was. In fact, he seemed so serious, no one knew what to say back. Alec was rarely so stern, even in the days of the undead. Magnus didn’t know Alec like this, so even he didn’t know what to say.

Alec took a deep breath. “I’m just saying, do you feel safe here?”

“I mean, I feel safe from the undead, not from this disease,” Jace answered, recovering from the moment.

“So, do we have a decision to make or what?” Alec asked.

“Don’t we always?” Magnus said, finally speaking up. No matter where they were, what they were doing, or who they were with, they always had a decision to make.


	26. Endless Repetition

> “Few tasks are more like the torture of Sisyphus than housework, with its endless repetition: the clean becomes soiled, the soiled is made clean, over and over, day after day.”  
>  ― Simone de Beauvoir, _The Second Sex_

_Alec_

They were going to wait it out, that’s what they decided. After Dolly died, Gregor died next, but they had had a few days without any deaths. Vlad had tried some new sort of medicine that he conjured up and he felt like it was going to work. So they would wait and, hopefully, it would all blow over. Hope, there it was again and that’s what they stuck to.

They weren’t allowed to see Jace and Clary again, but Alec felt a little better after seeing them. Sure, they hadn’t been in the best condition and they were nowhere near being healthy, but seeing them had cleared his conscience of its worry and its desperate panic. Knowing they were going to stay because they might get better for it, it definitely helped Alec. It wasn’t a definite security but it was something. Now that they were living this life, that had to cling to even the smallest glimmer of hope.

That was their life, it was all about a certain hope, whether it was far off, close, or small. Any form, any sort of light that came, they tried to hold onto it. If they could grab it for only a moment, it would make them better.

It was kind of like holding a butterfly; if they held onto the hope too strongly, they would crush it. It wouldn’t match reality or it would never come true. And if they held it too lightly, then it would fly off. If they lived without hope, they wouldn’t live any longer for they wouldn’t have any reason to live.

It was a difficult balance to achieve and, even this far into their lives, Alec didn’t know the balance. Sometimes he thought he had it and then he realised he had been believing too strongly in a fallacy. Then, other times he would not be believing in anything and he could feel the depression setting in, darkening the edges of his vision and destroying his future. Sometimes Alec just didn’t know what to do.

Magnus could usually help, as could Jace and Clary but those two weren’t around to help him with what he was doing. Izzy could have helped, Simon could have helped, Tessa, Jem, Mark, Emma, even Little Max, any one of them could have helped him gain a decent balance between hope and reality. Not so much now.

But he did have Magnus. Magnus was there every morning and every night, his arms wrapped around Alec even though they were told to keep physical contact to a minimum. Alec thought that an impossible feat. If his brother and his sister, not by blood but by bond, were in a separate area of the base, Alec was going to keep Magnus as close as he physically could. There was no way he wasn’t going to hold his hand or rest his head upon his chest. If he was honest, Alec thought Vlad mad for thinking Alec and Magnus could keep separate.

If Alec had to be without Magnus too, then Alec would rather die. Alec needed his husband by his side because Magnus had been with him through everything. Even when Alec had been hateful towards him for no good reason, Magnus had stuck with him and not blamed him. For that, Alec could never repay him except by sticking by _his_ side no matter what.

Subconsciously, whilst the two of them were sat in the healthy people’s food centre, Alec locked hands with Magnus. The sun was setting, masking everything in soft tones of persimmon and ruby, the trees in the distance making long shadows as they swayed gently in the breeze of the evening.

As Magnus looked at him, Alec looked back. It was clear that Magnus didn’t quite know what he was thinking but he gripped his hand all the same. Alec gave him a gentle smile before looking down at their interlocked fingers. Magnus’ hands, that had grown darker because of the sun giving him so much exposure, really made the contrast between their skins stand out, Alec never getting a tan no matter what he did.

Their almost yin and yang shades of skin made Alec reassured somehow. The whole balance between light and darkness thing that that symbol was meant to give off made Alec hopeful for some reason. Perhaps Magnus was Alec’s balance, perhaps believing in him and sticking by him would bring the balance that Alec needed so he could continue on in happiness.

Sometimes there was darkness, but not always. It might sometimes seem like there was only the dark, and Alec had surely felt that a lot over the past few years, but he was here now. That was what made him feel a bit more content about the future; all the dark things that had already passed had not prohibited him from reaching the point he was in.

At the angle their hands were, Alec could see his wrist and the long, dark lines that covered it. There were half a dozen in an odd pattern, almost crosshatch or zigzag. They were on odd pigmentation across his skin, a dark reminder of something he had gone through. But, even after that, he was still living. Despite the depression and the dark thoughts and the awful things in the world, Alec was still alive and he was still getting by.

Magnus caught Alec looking at his scars and squeezed his hand. “Don’t worry about them.”

“I’m not worried,” Alec said, still staring at his wrist. “I’m just kind of disappointed in myself for, you know, doing it.”

Every now and again, they would contract and twinge and Alec would be reminded not only of what he had done, but of Little Max too, for he was the reason he had done them. Little Max who could have been here, enjoying this safety and happiness, and yet he wasn’t. Sometimes he still cried himself to sleep, hoping Magnus couldn’t hear him.

“Don’t ever be disappointed in yourself,” Magnus said quietly. He didn’t need to be all that quiet for there were so few people in the room, not necessarily because people were doing other things but because there were so few people that were healthy. “Please, don’t say that, you should be proud of yourself.”

“But I cut,” Alec said, not feeling up to looking Magnus in the eye.

“And?” Magnus said, and Alec could feel the weight of Magnus’ gaze upon him.

“Isn’t that something weak to do?” Alec asked, feeling like he should look up to Magnus but not feeling like he could. He knew Derek had told him not to worry, but he did. He would always worry.

Magnus, sensing this, brought his free hand to Alec’s chin and pushed his head up to make their gaze meet. Alec could see the love in those eyes, masked slightly by a deep concern. It made Alec feel guilty because he never wanted to make Magnus worry about him. Making sure he was happy was becoming one of Alec’s biggest concerns in life.

They were still wearing masks but they had become such a normal part of their life, Alec could look passed that and see Magnus and only Magnus. If they could have kissed, Alec might have been able to be more reassured but they couldn’t because there was something that kind of blocked the way.

“It’s not weak,” Magnus said. “It’s just something you did.”

“But I can’t escape it.”

“Who says you need to escape it?” Magnus asked.

“Don’t you think they make me look ugly?” Alec asked, voicing his self- conscience thoughts and not even knowing that he was feeling them.

Magnus’ brow furrowed, the warmth in his eyes fading to be consumed with sadness. “Do you think you’re ugly?”

“I think these make me ugly,” Alec said.

He didn’t know why he was thinking such things, he had much bigger concerns to be worried about than feeling ugly. There were the undead walking around that could barge in and eat his skin off, and a disease that was killing the healthy people in a much different way.

Being concerned about looks was something he had forgotten long ago. With everyone spouting hair from their faces and legs and arms, and eyebrows going unplucked, and everyone letting their natural scent be their guide, social constructs of beauty had long gone out the window. People didn’t care about wearing fashion trends or heels, no one cared about cutting their hair to be fashionable, no one had the time to worry about makeup.

People wore the clothes they did for safety and for comfort. Nothing was tight fitting or trend setting, in fact, a lot of it had holes in it from being worn too much. People didn’t own fifty outfits anymore, they usually had about two, if they were lucky. Hair was cut for convenience because long hair both got in the way and was easier for the walkers to grab onto. Makeup was a thing of the past. If you had spots, if you had blemishes, nobody gave a shit. For the last reason, it was better than original society but Alec never had the time to divulge in the issues of previous days when his own days weren’t exactly perfect, though for very different reasons.

So he shouldn’t care about feeling ugly because who _did_ care? Magnus certainly wouldn’t because he always said that Alec was beautiful and because he was Alec’s husband and, for that reason, he wasn’t really allowed to care. He didn’t have anyone else to go to, which made Alec laugh a little. Well, it usually would if he wasn’t feeling so... ugly?

“You think some scars make you ugly?” Magnus asked, as if the question confused him.

“Not all of my scars, just these ones, the ones I made myself.”

“It’s not possible to make you ugly,” Magnus said, brushing hair out of Alec’s eyes.

Alec scoffed. “You have to say that.”

“No, I don’t,” Magnus said.

“You’re married to me, that’s kind of what husbands do.”

“Even if I didn’t have to, I would still say it. Just because you have some scars on your wrists doesn’t mean you’re less gorgeous. You are the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever known, Alexander, you must understand the sincerity in which I say it.”

Alec paused. He didn’t quite know what to say back. He could hear the sincerity in Magnus’ tone but Alec didn’t feel it himself. Alec didn’t know why he cared so much, it’s not as if looks ever bothered him. Even back before, Alec was a fan of his sweaters that were too old and had too many holes in them. So why now, why all of a sudden did he care?

“Alec?” Magnus asked because Alec had gone silent. “They’re just scars, my love.”

“They remind me of him,” Alec said, his voice and heart hollow.

Alec glanced at Magnus, whose eyes saddened further somehow. He kept a hold of Alec’s hand and then brought the other to his cheek, cupping it lightly. “I’m sure they do, but we shouldn’t think of him sadly. He was our son, he deserves to be remembered happily.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Oh, don’t be sorry,” Magnus said softly. “Please, don’t be sad about them, and please, please don’t think you’re ugly because of them. We’re finally getting something right with this place, I’d hate for you to tear yourself down because of this.”

It would take more convincing but Alec could probably get there. As said before, Magnus was the light in Alec’s darkness and, when he was feeling low, it was usually Magnus that could bring him back to life, back to the light. It wasn’t an easy transition, but he could make it with Magnus by his side.

Things didn’t have to be so tragic, Alec just needed to remember that. Maybe their current conditions weren’t the best, but they could be eventually. This endless repetition of good, then bad, then good, then bad again, perhaps it would come to an end sometime. With this illness, they were due something good anyway, if that was the cycle, then things had to start looking up soon, that’s what Alec clung to.

Then the red lights flared again, signalling that Raphael wanted everyone who was healthy to meet in the main centre. Once it had freaked Alec out, but now, now it was just another thing Alec had grown accustom to, something that he would have never grown used to if he was not living this life.

So, as the few others did inside the canteen, Alec stood, Magnus’ hand still locked with his, and they made the short walk towards the main centre. A few weeks earlier and it would have been hustle and bustle, people tightly packed together as they made their way through the concrete streets to get towards their destination. Now, Alec could probably have run the distance and not come within five metres of touching anyone. That’s how few healthy people were left.

It was almost a miracle that Magnus and Alec were still fine and healthy. Perhaps Raziel had seen that they had been through too much and now he was giving them something good, something to keep them going. If that was the case, then this red light would be the beginning of Raphael telling them that Vlad’s medicine was working and that they were all getting healthier. With that hope in his heart, Alec walked almost happily towards the building.

Raphael’s face, once they made their way through and towards the front of the raised platform because there was enough room for everyone to do so, did not read happiness. In fact, he looked defeated. Alec tried to look passed it, perhaps Raphael had good and bad news. Maybe they were low on food and that’s why he looked so devoid of feeling. Alec didn’t know, but he wanted to make himself believe that that was the case.

The few more minutes that passed as the others filed into the centre lasted centuries in Alec’s heart. He waited in silence, watching as Raphael talked to Lily and Derek since Elliott had been taken sick too. Alec couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but he hoped to Raziel that it wasn’t bad news. He could feel Magnus’ hand gripping his own harder than before as he too worried. They stood there, in silence, waiting.

“Right,” Raphael began once everyone had entered, a mere three rows of people now. “It didn’t work. The concoction that Vlad created masked the symptoms, it didn’t do anything to the disease. It merely made it appear as though they were getting better but, in fact, underneath their masked symptoms, they were deteriorating faster than they were before.

The death count this morning was the highest, I’m going to read out the list of names now. If people want to leave, I will not object. This place has been compromised and even Vlad, who will keep working, thinks it’s a lost cause. Right, here’s the dead list: Louis, Zeke, Marcel, Coselle, Elliott, Clary…”

The rest of the names faded from the world, Alec no longer being able to hear them. There had to be another Clary, right? There just had to be. Clary had been faring so well, there was no way it was Clary Fray, no actual way. It wasn’t possible, not their Clary.

He could literally feel the warmth draining from his body, his blood going colder than the winter winds. He felt number than he could ever remember, than felt possible. Nothing was going in, no sound, no warmth, no feeling. He was sure he was gripping Magnus’ hand but he could no longer feel his fingers between his own, no longer feel their palms touching.

It couldn’t be her, he kept telling himself that Clarissa was a popular name, Alec was sure. There could be another one, in fact, there _had_ to be another one. Clary was strong, one of the strongest people Alec knew, how could it possibly be her? It couldn’t. It just couldn’t.

Somehow, Raphael’s speech finished and everyone was starting to disperse, leaving the building and perhaps the base itself. Magnus and Alec, however, were unmoving, staring at the spot Raphael had been as if they could rewind time and erase what had just happened. If they didn’t have to hear it then it didn’t have to be true. It couldn’t be true, Alec still wouldn’t believe it. Raphael had to have been talking about a different Clary, not his sister, not his brother’s wife. No. No way.

The only reason Alec moved was because Magnus was dragging him away towards Raphael who was standing at the foot of the steps that led up towards the raised platform. Magnus grabbed his arm and Raphael shrugged him off, looking offended that Magnus had touched him.

“What?” Raphael asked, his voice barely muffled by his mask.

“Clary who?” Magnus asked, his voice hoarse.

Although Clary had been Alec’s sister by bond to his brother who wasn’t bonded by blood either, Magnus had always been closer to his Biscuit. It was tearing Alec up inside, ripping him to pieces, so he could only imagine what it was doing to Magnus. Clary had been such an integral part in both of their lives so they couldn’t believe it was her, not their strong Clary.

But Raphael’s eyes softened as he realised what they were going through. Raphael, whilst a condescending man, was not a cruel one. He nodded his head gently before he spoke.

“Clary Fray,” Raphael said, so quietly Alec tried to pretend that he hadn’t heard it, that he hadn’t even said it. But he had.

“When?” Alec asked for Magnus had frozen in his spot.

“Last night, we’re not sure when exactly. Vlad woke up and went in this morning to find a lot of them dead when they had been alive last night,” Raphael explained, though the words barely went into Alec’s head. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not nice.”

“When can we see her body?” Alec asked, thinking about saying their goodbyes properly.

“See her body? What? No, that’s not possible, don’t get caught up in your grief.”

“What?” Magnus asked, his voice full of fear.

“She was ill, it would be stupid to allow anyone that is healthy near the deceased of the ill.”

“But she was our friend,” Alec said. “We’ll go now and see her, we have to see Jace anyway-,”

“No, you won’t,” Raphael said firmly. “For one thing, Vlad and the others are burning the bodies as we speak and for another, Jace is in a hell of a lot of mourning and won’t move from his spot in the bed. He wouldn’t let go of Clary’s hand until we threatened to chop his off. It wouldn’t be good to see him.”

“It wouldn’t be _good_?” Alec asked ludicrously. “For him to see the only two people left in his life that love him, how wouldn’t that be good?”

The fear was turning into anger. How dare Raphael suggest such a thing, Alec couldn’t believe it. Jace was all alone, there was no way Raphael was going to keep them apart. In fact, he was stupid for thinking Alec was just going to obey.

“If you want to get sick, it would be my pleasure to allow you. However, whilst you are in my walls, under my authority, you will do no such thing. My job is to keep you safe and healthy and that is my priority right now. You can go and see Jace all you want, but only if you are not within my walls,” Raphael said, his tone not all good for those who were dealing with a recent loss.

“Fine,” Alec said, making a decision before he even thought about it. “Tell Jace we’ll be waiting for him outside.”

“Fine,” Raphael said.

Then it was Alec’s turn to drag Magnus away for he had become a mere statue, frozen in time at the words. They quickly gathered their things as there wasn’t all that much to gather in the first place, and then they were gone. The new people on top of the Walls were utterly confused about what the hell was going on since Raphael had not told them that he was letting people leave. Almost every healthy person was filing out of the gates, some unhealthy ones too.

As Alec and Magnus left, going to stand in an obvious spot so Jace could find and join them, Alec wondered how well these people would fare. For Alec and Magnus, who had not had a safe and stable place last for very long, they would be able to cope. They had lived amongst the wilderness and even technically been a part of it. They would be fine.

These others, the ones that were leaving because of their losses and their fear, most of them had been living within the Walls since almost the beginning. They had little to no experience with weaponry for the most part. Some of them didn’t even take guns, they were the ones that had lived within the Walls since the very beginning.

For a moment, Alec thought they should join some of the others that were leaving alongside them. But then he decided against it. They would fare better with less people. Less people to talk to and deal with, less people to look after made their odds better.

Alec wasn’t sure when he hardened his heart to these people but he was sure it had a large part to do with the news of Clary. Clary was, perhaps, the most loving and kind person Alec had known, especially during the apocalypse. She always wanted to take strangers in, help them if she could. Sometimes Alec didn’t understand it but the fact that she was able to do so, even after everything they had been through, it had amazed Alec to no end.

Now, without her, Alec wasn’t sure if any of them would trust another again. Without her influence, without her input and her moral standings, Alec was sure they would be forever wary of new people. Alec was losing the good part of him and that had to have come because they had lost Clary, the good part of them all perhaps.

It took a long while for Jace to emerge and Alec guessed it was because he had gotten slow, his bones fragile. Alec was certain he should have been escorted out but no one seemed as though they wanted to touch him or even go near him. There was a part of Alec that knew he shouldn’t touch Jace either, he couldn’t get sick as well, not after Clary, but Jace was his brother.

So, storming passed the crowd of people, leaving Magnus just a little way away because he was too frozen in time to move quickly enough, Alec took Jace’s arm and guided him away from the base. He was so frail, like an old man at the end of his life. It was so wrong, Jace was still so young and he should have been healthy and ready to fight and live. This was not the Jace Alec knew, this was a different man entirely. The Jace Alec knew was a courageous and strong man, not one that winced at every step.

There was a large chance that he was made worse because of his mourning. He looked at the world with blank eyes as if, like Clary had gone from the world, so had the love and light from his life. And he hadn’t even had the chance to say goodbye. She had been stolen from him, lost and gone forever. Jace had lost the love of his life and he hadn’t even been able to tell her he loved her one last time.

And the last time Alec and Magnus had seen her, those days ago when they had decided to stay and trust in the medicine, that had been the last time Alec had ever seen her. He couldn’t even remember what his last words to her were. They could have been anything, the most generic phrase on the planet, those could have been the last things they ever said to each other. And Alec couldn’t even remember what they were.

How could the world be that cruel? How was that fair? They deserved something good, they had gone so long without it, they were due something to keep them happy, that’s what Alec thought, that’s what had to be the case, right? Sure, they had found the base but their first encounter with it Raphael had said there was a disease. It had been a small win amongst the chaos of loss.

The three of them did not speak to each other. What could they say? _They were sorry for their loss?_ They were all sorry for each other, but they had all lost Clary themselves, just in different ways.

For Magnus, he had lost a dear friend, someone he trusted more than life itself. His Biscuit was one of his dearest friends, someone he loved and cared for. They had been friends before Alec even knew her. She was dear to him, dearer than Alec probably understood. Now she was gone.

For Jace, he had lost his best friend and his dearest love. Clary had been the light of his life, someone who taught him how to not be the arrogant sod he usually was and how to love again. Alec had tried his best and it worked for a while but Clary had done a much better job in a much different way. Alec had her to thank for that, for making Jace better. Now she was gone.

For Alec, he had lost not only a dear friend but someone he looked to for guidance as well. He had hated her for a good while for thinking she would take Jace away from him, but she had given him a different Jace, a Jace capable of love in a way Alec had not seen before. Not only that but Clary had always given him love and care and she had helped him wonderfully. She had taught him a lot, about trust and compassion and how to forgive.

Now she was gone.         

Night was setting in on them. In the rush, Alec had forgotten that they would be here during the night, that their first venture out again would be at nightfall. There had been hundreds of dead bodies from the undead once they left and navigating a safe way away from the sight and their stench had been a task in itself. Then, once night had fallen, it was another task again.

Jace was shivering. His breathing was raspy, his steps light as if he was broken. Emotionally and mentally he was, physically, he was getting there. Each step seemed to take the life from him further. His cheeks were too gaunt, his eyes too empty. He was not a healthy nor happy man.

A long way into the night, they found a shelter, a small shack that had been used in passing but never lived in it would seem. No one else had settled there so they blocked the door with the broken pieces of furniture that lay within and settled down. Jace would not have been able to carry on no matter how hard he tried, so they would stay there the night.

Still, none of them had spoken. They had moved on silently, Alec leading them though he felt he had no right nor the mind-set to do so. But, with Magnus and Jace in the state they were in, he had to. He had spotted the shack, the other two unseeing, and he had led them to it. Alec had given them open cans and forced them to eat. It was Alec. Alec had the responsibility.

He did not want it, he wanted no part of deciding their fate or playing such a heavy role in it. If they were partaking, Alec would feel much better but he felt as though he were leading them, as though he was the reason they carried on. Without him, they would have frozen in place until a walker came and bit them dead. All of a sudden, it was Alec’s job to get them through it, to make them go on, and he did not see it as fair.

Of course, he did not blame them and he would never blame them either, but he was in mourning too. His heart was shattered into unmatchable pieces. Loss after loss came and it was beating Alec into the ground. With each loss, Alec felt himself sinking, slipping further away.

When he had Magnus, and Jace, and Clary, and Izzy, and Simon, he could grasp it again. But now most of them were gone or they were slipping away too. As a group, they would fall further, slipping from reality until it would become a mere dream. Alec would remember the last time he smiled as if it were something he had conjured up, he would remember the last time he felt good as a concoction of his mind, he would remember good times and the laughter of his friends as some warped dream.

As they all fell, further away from the solidity of reality, Alec began to forget what good ever was. Surely, he could remember, surely there was still some goodness left. They had had good times, they had had laughter, so why did everything seem so dark? Why was everything failing when they had done nothing but good in their lives, when they had tried to do their best and only their best?

Why did life punish the good?

It was unlikely Jace would survive the night.


	27. Spend the Rest of Forever with a Hole inside You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a self-harm and suicidal thoughts trigger warning in this one, so please, read with caution x

> “If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn’t be filled?”  
>  ― Jodi Picoult, _Nineteen minutes_

_Magnus_

Jace did not survive the night.

It had been a lot like the day when they woke to find Little Max dead. He was lifeless, cold, and unmoving. Magnus thought for a moment that he had died of a broken heart more than anything else. People said that could happen, that something so tragic could occur and one could die because their heart couldn’t deal with the shock. If Clary had lived, Jace would have fought it, he may have even overcome it but, without Clary, Jace had little to live for.

Alec would have cried rivers if he had been hydrated enough, Magnus too. But they got up, they moved on, they kept fighting. A few months passed and they dealt with it. It was not an easy dealing but they had come to terms with it. Loss, that was life.

It was as though losing Clary made them more immune to Jace’s death. Well, maybe not, maybe it was just that losing Clary had made them so numb and expectant, they didn’t feel it so much because they just _couldn’t_ feel it. They couldn’t feel much of anything anymore.

A few weeks later, both of their wrists were covered in long, dark scars. That way, they could feel something. They didn’t share knives, that would have been foolish, but they would sit across from each other and cut. The pain, it made them feel. It was like some warped fantasy, some dark way of life that they had brought themselves.

When their arms were too covered, they went to their legs, slicing deep and dark. They dragged the blades over the skin, splitting it until they were seams that would never be sewn up. Blood seeped, pouring over their skin and through the indents, mapping them out in streaks of a thick red.

That was their coping method. The sore feeling, the burning, the sting, that was all they felt. If they could feel nothing else, then this was their method. The pain, the numbness, they could avoid that by putting blade to skin and opening the flesh. It was a good pain because at least they could feel it.

Their bodies were mapped with scars of old and new. Each one a reminder of something they had done. They couldn’t always feel them but seeing them reminded them of a pain they once felt. Pain was better than nothing.

It soon became a way of life that Magnus knew more than any other. He knew this way better than the days of the past. Those days were far gone, these were the days they knew, these were the routines they knew more than any other.

They would get up at dawn and eat what little they had if they had anything from the night before, maybe getting lucky enough to catch something. After that, they would walk for miles depending on their strength and their effort levels. Sometimes they would share a word or two, usually to say something about an oncoming walker or a turn to make, but they would usually walk in silence. Following that, they would find shelter or a tree to climb as the sun set, and they would sleep.

They didn’t touch anymore. Something about it seemed wrong. If the others couldn’t even breathe, why did they deserve to touch those they loved? They weren’t around to love or to hold, so Magnus didn’t feel like he should either. It was like he was trying to be respectful of the dead, though it didn’t make much sense.

When people died, you weren’t to become a recluse and ignore the world, you were meant to embrace it further. Death was meant to remind people of their lives and that they could actually live and not waste this gift that was given to them. Seeing those you loved die, it was heart-breaking but you couldn’t live the rest of your life in heartache.

But, perhaps, seeing so much death prohibited Magnus and Alec from realising that they could live again. Not only did they see death every time they saw a walker stumbling towards them, but they had seen death in every single person they had known and loved. Whether it was Jem who saw death because he would never see Will again, or it was Clary, someone who had actually died, Magnus and Alec had seen too much death and it didn’t remind them of life and living.

Their yin and yang balance was long lost. There was little light in their eyes anymore. When the sun rose, it was a blemish on the dark sky they had come to love. Surrounding themselves in darkness, that was what they knew. Light, that was something of the past.

Sometimes Magnus was reminded of the feel of Alec’s hand against his own, the warmth of his breath on his skin, but it would fade very quickly. It was a warped memory, not something Magnus could recall with detail. It was a thing of the past, like most things were. Magnus no longer remembered the taste of fresh food nor the warmth of a bed. Now he knew the taste of stale canned goods and the hard flooring of the earth or a wooden terrace, the rest of life forgotten.

The one reminder he had were Alec’s blue eyes, the most beautiful blue to ever grace the earth. They were faded, lost to the world too. But sometimes, when the light of the sun was reflecting at the perfect angle, they would shine bright and Magnus would feel a warmth spread through his chest, like a fond memory. Then Alec would move and the sun would go and Magnus would forget that moment ever happened.

The only reason they survived the winter months was because of these numb feelings Magnus had long grown accustom to. He should have died of blood loss or pneumonia, but he didn’t and neither did Alec. They couldn’t feel the world, they had lost themselves, almost merging to become a part of it and, for that reason, they no longer felt the cold.

They wanted to, they were desperate to feel something. Even if it was the cold air biting at their skin, they would have been happier, if only for a moment. So that’s why they cut, though they could barely feel that too. In the mornings, the sore lines would twitch and Magnus would wince before the feeling faded.

It was in those moments that Magnus remembered he was a person and that he was alive. If he could feel the pain, if he could remember what feeling felt like, then he could remember that he existed and that he was surviving. Mere flashes of life appeared before him but he had long forgotten to grab hold of them and keep them close. So now he faded to become a part of the world, no longer existing in it.

That was probably why none of the walkers bothered them. Their clothes were drenched in blood for they had no new ones to change into and, even if they did, they probably wouldn’t have changed, so they stank of blood. Their eyes were lifeless, their limbs heavy. The undead probably thought they were a part of them, that they had joined the world of the deceased and, in all honesty, they had.

If they died, they could have felt something, maybe. It might not be physical because they had long forgotten physical feeling, but maybe emotionally, they might see something or feel something. People said life was meant to flash before your eyes as you died and Magnus would love to see that again.

He could relive the happier moments before he passed onto the next world, wherever that might be. He could relive going to school for the first time and learning that there was this wealth of knowledge he could gain from it. He could relive meeting Alec for the first time and understanding what it meant to have your breath taken away. He could relive getting his dream job and realising that life could actually be perfect.

Sure, the dark days would follow, the days of death and the undead, but those happier times, he could remember those feelings. He could remember that life had been good, because right now, he could feel none of that. He felt only emptiness and he knew there was something more to life, he just couldn’t find it.

So they moved on, endlessly walking without a goal or anywhere in mind. Magnus knew it was wrong deep down inside him, that they needed somewhere to go, that they couldn’t spend life like this, it was like he was dead himself, like that feeling where you might spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you. Magnus did feel like there was a hole inside him. In fact, it wasn’t just one hole, his entirety was a hole, an emptiness that had nothing left, nothing solid.

And he was sure Alec was feeling the same. Alec always led the two of them, which was so unlike him. He was always the one bringing up the rear, making sure to spot what others missed and take care of the others he was following. Now, as there was almost no one he needed to take care of, he led the two of them on, Magnus making no complaint.

The sun was rising, its spring light trying to make everything fresh and crisp but instead making Magnus feel uncomfortable, everything made almost sepia. It was like watching the world change through a camera, seeing everything change but not be a part of it. Everything was masked in this empty sort of light, making the warmth fade in place of light. It was peculiar, making Magnus feel more isolated with every second that passed.

Alec was like this lost boy in front of him, someone Magnus could reach out to but not touch. He felt almost like a ghost, that if he did reach out towards him his hand would just go straight through his body. He was a memory, he was not real, not anymore.

No longer did Magnus dream his dream of the sea of the dead, chasing Alec through it. Now he dreamt of nothing, a black hole that was all-consuming. An odd coveting was for Magnus to dream of chasing Alec through dead bodies again. It was not a pleasant dream but at least he could gage how he felt upon it. Now he knew nothing, now he knew not what he felt. It was infuriating.

And there was nothing he could do to stop it, this was their life, this was the way they had to do it. Stumbling on, hopeless and unknowing, that was their way of life. Magnus followed Alec until sundown, then they would stop and be done and ignore each other until the sun came up again. Magnus had nothing, not even Alec to keep him going.

So, why was he still going? What was keeping him going, what was making him follow on despite the fact he had nothing to live for? There was nothing for him, so why didn’t he just stop? Why was he still going?

The answer was simple; Alec. Sure, they had barely spoken a word to each other and they didn’t hug or hold each other or kiss or anything like that, but he was still here, living and walking and going on. Yes, they spent most of their nights sat opposite each other as they cut into their skin, desperate to feel something, but at least they did it together, right? Maybe that was a really fucked up thing to do but they did it together, so that had to mean something.

Max’s little bear was rather covered in blood because one of them would hold onto it each night after their cutting, but they did it together. They did it in memory, they did it to live. Right?

Maybe they didn’t have a whole lot of love for each other, but they _had_ each other, that was the main thing. The ‘having each other’ part didn’t manifest itself the way it usually did, but they still had each other’s backs. When a walker got a little too close, Alec would knock it down before it could reach Magnus, and vice versa. They still cared, it just wasn’t a normal manifestation.

A walker was heading their way now, stumbling towards them, curious since it did not recognise them as human. Alec had not noticed it yet for its mouth and a large chunk of its neck were missing and it made no noise, but Magnus was sure he would see it soon, he was kind of too involved in his own thoughts to kill the walker. It was a little way off, Alec was bound to see it before it reached them.

As it drew closer however, Alec still didn’t seem to notice. If he was wrapped too tightly in his thoughts, then it would take a moment or two for him to realise but he would. He had said a few times that he preferred to take out the walkers by himself, to get the satisfaction, so Magnus would let him take this one out too. It was an easy one, so Magnus didn’t have to worry.

But Alec still didn’t notice and Magnus was worried that he wouldn’t notice at all. So he took out his gun, one that he only used in dire cases and also when he couldn’t pick up the pace because his legs just wouldn’t let him as he hadn’t been eating right. It was close enough that it might hurt Alec’s ears but they had long since gone half-deaf because of the gunshots that they had been hearing since the early days of the undead, so it was unlikely Alec would take much notice.

Aiming the weapon so it would pierce through the skull, Magnus stopped walking so he could steady his grip. With every step, Alec and the walker drew further away but Magnus had perfected his aim a long time ago. This would be a relatively easily kill, a minor blip in their journey, it would take nothing to do it.

He pulled the trigger. It clicked. It was empty. _Shit_.

Still standing frozen, Magnus began rooting through his dangerously empty backpack for the extra bullets, for another round of ammo, but the panic he was feeling made his movements messy and rash. He thrust his hand into the bag but came out with nothing. He was sure his hand brushed against the cold of the bullets but the panic had set into his bones and he couldn’t find them, not properly.

The walker was gaining on Alec and he still hadn’t noticed. It was too silent, even its messy footsteps made little to no noise and Alec would not hear them if he was lost in thought. It was too risky so Magnus tried to call out his name but his voice had gone unused for almost two weeks, his voice box feeling dry and useless.

It came out as fragmented crackles, like his voice had been stolen. His throat was scratchy and weak, rendered useless. He would have to run, he couldn’t linger on trying to call out because his throat might start to work too late.

His legs barely worked and Magnus was sure the lumps in the ground were going to throw him over. Each time his foot met the unsteady earth, Magnus felt like his ankles would give and he would tumble to the floor. But the sheer wishing of helping Alec got him through, sending him forward.

But he reached too late. The walker stretched its hand out and grabbed hold of Alec’s loose and ripped shirt. It looked as though Alec thought it was Magnus and he looked around with bored eyes until he saw what it actually was and his eyes widened in fear as he swallowed.

He stumbled backwards, meeting an uneven lump and falling to the floor, the walker following him down. Magnus’ heart leapt out of his chest, his muscles trying to freeze in panic but he willed them on. Alec wasn’t going to leave him like this, not today, not right fucking now. Magnus had lost too much and there was no way he was going to lose Alec.

Alec was struggling to keep the walker off him, Alec should have been stronger than this weak bodied undead thing whose skin was hanging loosely and whose bones were visible, but he wasn’t. Alec hadn’t been eating enough, his body was not as strong as it should have been, so he struggled against the thing that wanted to pry Alec’s skin from his bones.

Thankfully, Magnus got there in time before any fingers or teeth pierced Alec’s flesh, and he kicked it off of him using all of his strength. The walker tumbled before trying to crawl back towards Alec. It was cut off at the pass by Magnus digging the blade of his knife into the thing’s skull. It entered the next life quickly.

A few seconds passed, the both of them regaining their breath and composure as Alec lay on the ground, Magnus kneeling beside him but not facing him. Magus didn’t know what was going on. Coming this close to death, why were they ignoring each other?

It was as though something clicked inside Magnus’ head and he realised how idiotic they had been. They were still alive, they still had this precious gift to look after, to take care of. Wasting it like they were, how did that make any sense? Everyone else was gone and they should be living in their memory with happiness and love, not like they were. They were still here, they couldn’t ignore that because they were hurting, that would be the wrong thing to do. They needed to live with happy memories of the dead, not wallowing in depression.

Deciding he was going to make Alec come to the same conclusion, Magnus turned around in a hurry and pulled Alec into his chest, still on the floor. Magnus rested quite a lot of his weight on Alec as he hugged him, burying his face into Alec’s neck. He pulled him close, keeping him against his chest.

Alec froze, confused at this sudden show of affection that he had not received for months. Magnus had barely touched him, so it was clear Alec was baffled by it. He hadn’t come that close to death, so Alec wouldn’t understand it.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Magnus breathed into Alec’s neck, Alec not having moved at all.

“You want to die?” Alec asked, his voice dry and not showing much emotion. “Do you have the bullets-,”

Magnus pulled back, keeping his hands on Alec’s shoulders as he looked him deep in the eye. There was something so lacklustre there, so bored almost even though he had just talked about committing suicide. Yes, they had been cutting themselves for months, but that was to feel something. Suicide was to stop feeling entirely.

“What?” Magnus asked.

“What?” Alec repeated, looking at Magnus through half-lidded, weary eyes.

“You want to die?”

“Don’t you?”

“No,” Magnus stated. “Why do you?”

“I didn’t think we were doing much living anymore,” Alec said. “I was waiting for you to suggest something.”

“Seriously?” Magnus asked, shocked more than anything. Magnus thought they were going on because, deep down, they knew they were living and that they wanted to live. He had had no idea that Alec wanted out. Their self-harm was to make them feel something, it was not something they did because they wanted to die.

Or that’s what Magnus thought at least.

“I thought we were on the same page,” Alec said. “What did you mean then, if you didn’t mean that?”

“I meant I couldn’t not be with you anymore. Like, I can’t go on, pretending that we aren’t here together. I want to be with you, I need to be with you. We can do this together and we should have realised that ages ago, but it’s not too late now.”

Alec went quiet but he did not avert his gaze. He just shrugged, as if he couldn’t even muster the effort to answer Magnus.

“Do you not want to go on anymore?” Magnus asked, quieter this time.

Alec shrugged again. “I’m just tired.”

“I know, my love, but we’re doing so well. Don’t you see that?”

“We’re just wandering. Does that really count as doing well?” Alec sounded so drained, it was breaking Magnus’ heart.

“We’re alive, Alec,” Magnus reiterated. “We’re here. Please, don’t leave me like this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want you to fade away.” Magnus could hear his voice breaking, tears pricking at his eyes. “I can’t do this without you. I need you here by my side, please live for me, don’t let go.”

Alec averted his gaze then, looking at the ground.

“Alec?” Magnus pressed. “Please.”

Alec had gone silent. Magnus didn’t know if he was going to get an answer. His heart was being torn to shreds and Alec looked broken, like a man that was losing all hope. The world of light was fading from his life and his eyes, and Magnus just wanted to bring it back.

“Alec,” Magnus said again. He hadn’t let up from holding Alec’s shoulders, now he was gripping at them. Up and down his own arms, he could see the scars covering his wrists and arms and he could see the same on Alec’s too. These were reminders of what they had done, but that could be the past now. They could go into the future but Magnus needed Alec to do the same. He couldn’t do it without Alec.

“Alec, please.” Magnus felt like he was begging. “I can’t do this without you.”

Alec’s eyes had watered and a few tears rolled down his cheeks as he looked towards the right, pooling on the floor as they rolled across his face. “We’ve lost so much.” His voice was so still, so empty of everything.

“I know, I know, but we don’t have to lose anymore. We can do this, Alec. We don’t have to do it alone.” Magnus brought a hand to Alec’s face and gently brought his face around so they were looking at each other again. “We can’t do this alone, and since we have each other, why should we do it alone?”

“I just feel so empty, Magnus,” Alec said, tears falling though his voice didn’t match it. It looked as though he should have been sobbing, like his voice should have been short and coming in worthless breaths, but it was so still, so unmoving.

Alec pressed his face into Magnus’ palm, wetting it with his tears. Since the rest of his weight was resting on his other hand, Magnus couldn’t wipe away the tears or the tear streaks down his face, but he so wanted to. His face looked so sad and it was breaking Magnus. His heart was hollowing, more so since Alec seemed so defeated.

“But you don’t have to,” Magnus reassured. “I’m here, we’re here together. What we’re doing now, it’s making us empty. We don’t need to be like that.”

“I don’t know if I can change, Magnus. I feel so… I don’t know, I don’t feel like I’m here. I just feel like we’re walking endlessly and I just want to stop.” His voice broke minutely as he spoke but he kept it steady for the most part.

“You want to stop living?”

Alec shrugged. “I just feel like we need a break. We’ve not had anything good for so long. I just don’t know how to go on anymore.”

“Neither do I, but we can do it together. I know that doesn’t make much sense, but we’ve gotten this far, we can carry on. I know it.”

“I don’t understand how you have the energy.”

“I don’t, okay? I don’t have the energy, not at all.” Magnus could feel himself getting worked up but he hoped he would spur Alec on because of it. “There’s so little left inside me, but we can go on. You are all I have left in the world and Raziel will smite me down before I let you give up.”

“But we’re covered in scars to show that we _have_ given up.”

“They’re not there to show that we gave up, they’re there to show that we tried to feel something. Don’t you see that, my love? The fact that we tried shows that we do want to live. We went on, we tried even though we were numb, we didn’t give up, we’re here and we tried to be here. So fuck the scars, we need to get up and we need to find our salvation.”

Alec let out a small laugh and it sent a wave of warmth through Magnus’ body. It was the purest sound Magnus had ever heard. He hadn’t heard it in months and being able to remember it had not helped him enough, but now he had heard it for real and Magnus would never forget the sound. It was beautiful, the most wonderful thing in the world.

“Our salvation?” Alec repeated, a small smile set upon his lips. “What an earth are you talking about? You sound like some preacher.”

Magnus laughed through his nose. “I was trying to be encouraging.”

“You shouldn’t say things like ‘our salvation’, that sounds stupid,” Alec said, a light starting to shine in his eyes again. “I never thought I’d ever hear you say something like that.”

“Well, sorry for trying to be inspirational.”

“I forgive you,” Alec said, laughing lightly.

There was a pause then, the two of them forgetting the world as they remembered each other. They had forgotten what it was like to be in a quiet moment with each other, they had forgotten what it was like to just _be_ with each other. Now that they had remembered, Magnus knew that he would never forget it, not again.

“Kiss me,” Alec said, quietly as if he were unsure if Magnus would want to.

Without even hesitating, Magnus leant down and pressed their lips together. It was something Magnus had forgotten, but his lips remembered the feel of Alec’s quickly. They were soft, wet from where Alec had been crying, Magnus’ a little too. It was not a kiss of passion nor a kiss that would lead to something further, for they _were_ lying in the middle of a field, but it was a kiss of reassurance.

There was still a little tongue, it was rare for them to kiss this deeply without using tongue. It made their kiss wetter but it was still there for reassurance. Alec’s lips were warm and they moved against Magnus’ gently and Magnus’ mouth remembered Alec’s perfectly; their feel, their taste, their everything. Magnus could remember it as if the last few months hadn’t even happened.

Bringing his hands to the back of Magnus’ neck, Alec moaned softly into his mouth. They were close enough that Magnus could feel the gentle brush of Alec’s eyelashes against his skin. It sent shivers down Magnus’ spine, shivers he had long forgotten.

The rest of the world was lost to them now. They were there together, learning each other again. Even if they couldn’t go all the way, they could do a decent amount to make them better, to make them realise that life really was worth fighting for. It came with its twists and turns, but they had each other and that was enough. It had taken them a little while to recall that detail to life but now that they were here, they would never forget, not again.

Sometimes it took time to realise the good things in life were there, in front of you, but they had found each other again in all the darkness. The world was passing around them but they were absorbed in their moment of remembrance. Life was there for them to take hold of again. It might not come easy, but as long as people tried, they could do it, they could survive.

Together, they could do it.


	28. The Right Reasons

> “There's nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons.”  
>  ― Stephen Chbosky, _The Perks of Being a Wallflowe_ _r_

_Alec_

Everything seemed to just get better. Alec taught himself to see the good in the world and, although there wasn’t all that much to see, Alec forced himself to see it. There was a lot of darkness and chaos, but Alec was desperate to see the good and, with Magnus by his side, he could.

When there were walkers coming, Alec saw that they had grown a lot weaker in their ever rotting state and that they were slower and easier to kill now for the most part, not taking into consideration the few that were recently Changed. When they didn’t find anywhere stable to sleep and had to either sleep on the floor or up in a damned tree, Alec saw that he had Magnus and that he didn’t have to do it alone. When there was a long stretch of land lying in front of them, Alec saw that he had Magnus’ hand to hold and that there was always a goal in mind.

It had been a difficult process, but he could do it. Magnus had shown him that he could get through it and that they didn’t have to wander endlessly. Maybe their goal wasn’t a real goal and they didn’t have a proper destination in mind, but they knew they were living for the right reasons again. Magnus had been his saviour, and he had forgotten that.

In the rush, in the madness that had become their lives, Alec had forgotten that Magnus was the man who guided him through it all, his husband that loved him and cared for him above all else. They were all the other had left on this earth, and Alec had forgotten that.

Now that he remembered, that was all he cared about. They didn’t have anyone else, and they didn’t need anyone else. With each other they were going to do well, they were going to survive. Maybe they would survive it all, whatever ‘all’ was. Alec didn’t really contemplate the idea of a cure being found, but maybe it would be. Alec finally thought, for the first time in years, that he would be around to see the world turn good again. It was so refreshing.

After just waking up from a night at the edge of some tall grass, which was around shoulder height, Alec stretched and woke with a smile. He had taken the first watch and Magnus had let him sleep in a little. Once upon a time, Alec would have hated lie-ins, but now he revelled in them. Sleep was not something that came easy and if Alec could have more of it, then he would surely take it.

When Magnus saw he was awake, Magnus smiled and kissed his cheek. They had attained an odd level of domesticity considering they were living out in the wilderness, but Alec wasn’t going to complain. Any form of happiness they could gain in this life, Alec would take it gladly.

The night before, Alec had managed to catch a rabbit using an intricate trap they had learned from Woolsey, so after skinning it, they had quite a nice bit of meat they could ration. Starting another fire quickly with their insane knowledge of survival techniques, they had a nice breakfast of cottontail. Alec was very thankful for it.

“I was thinking we should head in that direction,” Magnus said, pointing in the opposite direction of the long grass, towards a crease in some rolling hills. “We haven’t seen proper buildings in years, I’m thinking maybe we should find some.”

“Why that way?” Alec asked, chewing on some gorgeous meat that filled him up before he drank a miniscule bit of water they had found from a stream and boiled. Even though they bottled a lot, they still had to ration it in case they didn’t find any again for a long while.

Magnus shrugged. “Random guess.”

“Wow, I’m hopeful,” Alec said, snorting.

“Well, Mr. I-Know-Better-Than-My-Husband, do you have another option in mind?” Magnus asked.

“Nope,” Alec said, smiling widely.

“I guess we’ll have to go with my way then, won’t we?” Magnus said.

Alec snorted again. “You’re so righteous.”

“You’re not wrong,” Magnus said, throwing away a small piece of bone and starting on another piece of meat. “Isn’t that why you fell in love with me?”

“Um, no,” Alec said. “I think I just settled, there wasn’t much choice.”

Magnus gasped in feigned shock and hurt. He shoved Alec’s shoulder gently and Alec laughed.

“Darling, you cannot _settle_ for me, I am the crème de la crème.”

“If you say so,” Alec said, grinning.

“I am so offended right now.”

Alec laughed, looking at Magnus and being filled with warmth as he did. Magnus was the man he loved more than anything and being able to joke with him amongst the chaos of their lives was the best thing he could have ever asked for. To be like this, to be so happy even though they were in the middle of nowhere, Alec couldn’t ask for more.

Well, a nice, warm bed would have been nice, but Alec had Magnus, he could be a good head rest on the occasion. At night, if they had each other, Alec didn’t need a warm bed because Magnus was definitely warm enough. His arms could wrap around Alec’s body as they slept or as one stayed up, and, for the most part, that was better than some warm bed. It was more personal.

They got up after they finished, hand in hand as they ventured towards the crease in the hills that Magnus had wanted to go towards. Passed the crease in the hills, there was little more than fields. That would have daunted them before, but not now. They knew they had each other and they could do it because of that.

When they came atop another hill, below them they spotted a lone deer, a doe. She was grazing lightly, beautiful in the delicate light of the spring sun. Since Alec and Magnus had been quiet, she had not heard them and so she ate, oblivious. She was serene, and it made Alec calm.

The world around her was not, but she was there like a single rock in the middle of anarchy. Well, she was surrounded by pretty fields and the occasional tree and a whole lot of gorgeous flowers, but the world in its entirety was a madhouse, just not this particular section.

She was this beautiful creature, this alive thing that survived better than most people. This was her world now, not Man’s. Man would no longer pollute the earth, Man would no longer exterminate anything. This was no longer a world where Man dominated everything in its path, this was this nature’s world now. The world would run its course like it should have always done. Things were better, no one ruled the earth. No one should have ever ruled the earth and this disease had shown them the way. Nature roamed where it never used to, it roamed everywhere, taking over the world like it always should have. It was right.

It was a little like they were back in the dark ages but at least things made more sense back then. Everyone survived the way they should have survived, by doing little things to get by. No poaching, no extinction that was brought on by Man. They were all creatures of the earth now, the way it should have always been. This doe, she was that symbol.

“You know what we have to do, right?” Magnus said, quietly so as to not disturb her.

Alec nodded solemnly. “I don’t want to though.”

“You’ve got better aim than me.”

“But she’s so… peaceful.”

“We have to eat, Alec,” Magnus said, gently brushing the hair from Alec’s eyes. “And venison is delicious.”

“Magnus,” Alec scolded gently. “She’s so pretty.”

“Beautiful things can die too,” Magnus said.

“Wow, deep,” Alec retorted, almost snorting but not following through because it might scare the doe.

“We could eat like kings.”

It wasn’t much of a decision but Alec did it with some guilt in his heart. They needed to eat, they had to and every opportunity that brought that possibility was one they had to grab, but that didn’t mean Alec had to do it with a smile. In fact, as he raised the gun to get a perfect aim towards the doe’s head, Alec’s heart was heavy.

Then he shot and his perfect aim showed as the doe collapsed to the floor, not to move ever again. The gunshot rolled over the hills and Alec felt sadder than he cared to admit. The creature had been beautiful and it had to be killed because they needed to eat. The world was cruel like that and Alec wished it didn’t have to be, but wishing never got you very far in life.

But they would eat like kings now and Alec focused on that instead of the life he had just taken. They hacked it into smaller pieces and threw them into their bags, knowing that walkers would be drawn towards them from the sound, and then they moved on at a faster pace.

There was a silence between them, slightly more awkward than comfortable. Magnus knew that Alec never really liked to kill animals for their food, but it was a necessity that they needed to perform. Magnus took his hand again and Alec squeezed it, taking a comfort in the fact that Magnus understood Alec’s sentiments about such a thing,

For some reason, when Alec wasn’t killing them himself and they were back in the years before or they were in one of the safe places, Alec didn’t feel so guilty. But now that he was the one performing the act, he certainly wasn’t happy about it. Having this power, having this control over the things around him, it wasn’t as comforting as some might think. It didn’t feel right to take something’s life so easily, almost as if he were playing Raziel and no one had that right.

Survival called for such things sometimes. Sometimes, you had to take drastic measures to keep living and that was what this apocalypse was all about. If they wanted to live, they had to do things they didn’t necessarily like. Killing deer was a part of that unfortunately.

They walked for a good few hours longer, in a silence that became comfortable after Alec settled with the idea. When they reached a small collection of trees, unmoving for there was no spring breeze, they settled for the night. Starting a fire was a base task when there was so much dry wood lying around and they got to skinning their meat and cooking a large chunk of it for fear it would go rotten if it was left in the spring heat for too long.

Soon enough, the sun was set and they were eating heartily. The fire light illuminated Magnus’ eyes, making them warm and inviting. His beautiful olive skin glimmered because of the light too and Alec was reminded of the times where Magnus would wear glitter. Glitter was annoying as hell because it got everywhere even if it was a mile away from even touching you, but Alec missed it now. What he wouldn’t give to be coated in glitter, to see Magnus in his element like that.

But no, they were sat in the middle of a patch of trees in the middle of spring, with no home, no friends, and no assured safety, eating meat they had shot down a mere few hours ago. This was their life and they had no glitter or anything of the sort. They could deal with it but sometimes they yearned for the things of the past, as all did. You couldn’t really help it.

“This tastes really good,” Magnus commented. “Like one of the best meals we’ve had in a long time.”

“Guess we should thank that doe then,” Alec said, probably a little too bitterly.

“Well, I guess we should,” Magnus said, looking at Alec sincerely. “Don’t feel guilty about it.”

“I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. She was just like, alive one second and then, because we needed to eat, she wasn’t. It just seemed harsh, and I know it’s for survival, but, you know.” Alec shrugged, not sure if Magnus would know or not.

“I get it,” Magnus affirmed. “But, and not to be harsh, we’ve got bigger things to worry about, darling.”

Alec nodded. They certainly did. Whenever they slept without much protection, it was a risk. Walkers, bandits, people galore could walk by, steal stuff or kill them. When there were more of them, it wouldn’t be such a big risk but now that there were only two of them, it wasn’t safe. They had to share the night shift between two, so one of them was always more exhausted than the other for the day. It wasn’t perfect but they made it work.

They always made things work because, if they didn’t, that would be the end for them. Keeping going required working through the things that tried to keep you down. It was no easy feat, but they could do it. As long as they had each other, they could always do it.

Once their stomachs were filled and they were well hydrated again, they stamped out the fire and Magnus settled himself with his back to Alec’s chest, Alec’s arms wrapped around him. In this position, Alec could feel Magnus’ bones protruding a little too harshly. Even if they did eat like kings on the occasion, it couldn’t make up for the fact that they didn’t eat properly all the time.

Once upon a time, Magnus was a healthy and fit man and Alec had grown strongly attracted to his muscles and form. He was still attracted to him, of course, even if his cheeks were on the gaunt side and his ribs showed too much. Alec would always find Magnus attractive because he loved him not only for his devastating looks, but for who he was as a person as well.

Although they had had some rough patches, they were still here, loving each other more than ever. They could have given up on each other a long time ago but they hadn’t. It was that love that kept them going, that kept them strong despite their lack of health.

Their breathing synched, it was easier that way as Magnus rest almost all of his weight on his husband’s body. Alec liked it like that, he liked to know that Magnus relied on him and let him be his rock. It had been a lot of responsibility at first, but now it was reassuring. They both trusted each other to an extreme Alec would not believe possible unless they were living in the apocalypse.

“Do you remember that restaurant we went to, for our, what was it, our fourth year anniversary?” Magnus asked, his voice heavy as he drifted off.

“Which one?”

“The one with the venison.”

“Oh, that was our third.”

“I never thought I’d eat deer again after that, and I never thought I’d like it. It was so fatty and it tasted like liver, and liver is disgusting.”

“All game meat is like that,” Alec said. “It was so expensive.”

“I preferred the soup,” Magnus said with a light laugh.

“It was pretty good.”

“And a lot cheaper.”

“I don’t think refining our taste buds did us all that well.”

“That was the year we tried caviar as well, wasn’t it?”

Alec snorted at the memory, at how both Magnus and he had spit it out the second they had bit into the tiny eggs. Such an expense gone to waste. “I wasn’t expecting it to pop like it did. It was kind of shocking.”

“Is that why you spat it out?”

“Yeah, and because it was so damn salty.”

“It is fish, darling.”

“So why did you spit it out then, if you were expecting it to pop and be salty?” Alec asked, pinching Magnus’ skin slightly.

“Uh, to make you feel better of course,” Magnus said, playfully lying.

“Oh, of course, you wouldn’t want me to feel bad about spitting it out. I forgot you were that kind.”

“I am the best boyfriend and husband, I’m saddened you would forget that.”

Alec scoffed. “I forget that because your ego is so big.”

“How rude,” Magnus said, though Alec could hear the humour in his voice.

Alec laughed as he hugged Magnus tighter into his body.

Magnus drifted softly to sleep in Alec’s arms, Max’s bear in his own and his breathing calm in his dormant state. It was rare that Alec got to see Magnus with such a calm expression, his face losing its lines and relaxing. Alec was glad Magnus could still be so serene, it made Alec feel such an overwhelming elation.

Lightly, Alec pressed his lips to Magnus’ hair, which was way too long. Magnus didn’t even stir and Alec was glad. They always needed to sleep and just because Alec felt an undying urge to kiss his husband, it would not permit him to wake the other up, so he settled for the forehead kiss. It would be cruel to wake him up any other way because, even if Alec really, really wanted to have sex with him, they couldn’t. They were too out in the open and one moment of forgetfulness could have been their downfall. Alec was not going to get them both killed because of a lust he couldn’t control.

So he did control it and he pushed away the thoughts about Magnus’ glorious body and the things it could do so he could let Magnus sleep. That would be the kind thing to do, even if Magnus would likely want to do the same things to him. The world was cruel for taking such opportunities away from them, but hey, what could they do?

The moon had risen high in the sky and Alec looked up to the stars to see their beauty, one that he had truly grown accustom to. If he was honest, it was at times like these that he preferred these days to before; when Alec could sit with Magnus resting on his chest, a dying firelight in front of them, and the purest night sky above them. How could anyone hate it?

Yes, the walkers did ruin it but if you could look passed that, then you could see such a beauty in things. Man no longer ruled the earth, it no longer ruined everything within its path. The wilderness could grow as it wished, species could grow and diminish as the world seemed fit, Man could no longer make things extinct. With lower levels of pollution, the sky shone like it should, with stars and not with light pollution.

Without Man, life was actually a lot better. Alec kind of felt like Raziel had given them the apocalypse because Man had gotten too cocky and destroyed everything in its path, so they deserved to die if people really thought about it. Some were still fighting, like Alec and Magnus, and maybe Raziel would allow them a cure as a chance of mercy but Alec wasn’t all that sure.

As long as they fought until their last breath, then that was all Alec could ask for. He had been a part of Man and its destruction, so maybe he deserved death too, but Alec wasn’t all that sure and didn’t like to think about it too much. Being in the moment was much more important. If you got too lost in thought, who knows what might bring you back, _if_ you came back at all.

This strange sense of peace was not something Alec was all that used to, but he would be sure to get used to it. They were going to get through this and Alec was more confident than he had been about anything since… Raziel knows when he felt so confident. This was a serenity Alec would not give up, not unless it was pried from his dead hands. This was something good and by the Angel Alec was going to keep it in his heart right next to where Magnus was. This would last, Alec would make sure of that.


	29. It Might Have Been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just read this one with caution x

> “Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.”   
>  ― John Greenleaf Whittier, _Maud Muller - Pamphlet_

_Magnus_

When Magnus awoke for his shift during the night, he had a light heart and light shoulders and light head and a light everything. The heaviness that he had come to associate with life was gone and he didn’t quite know what to do with this goodness but he was certainly happy he had it.

If everything carried on like it was, and Magnus would make sure it did, then they could finally live like they should have been. Maybe they didn’t have all their family and friends anymore, but they had each other. That would be enough, that was all they needed. Sometimes it got rough, but Magnus would never let that take over, not again.

Thankfully, since he got so wrapped up in his thoughts and the steady rhythm of Alec’s heart underneath his hand as they switched their positions, the sun rose before Magnus really knew what was happening. They ate some more venison, only leaving a little more for the road because the meat would soon rot without the proper cool conditions, and then they got on.

To be honest, they had probably eaten too much anyway. Even though eating was good for you, after you ate so little that your stomach shrank to accommodate such a way of life, eating a lot when you had the food for such wasn’t a good idea. It seemed like a good idea at the time but now that they were trying to walk on, their stomachs were on the heavy side and they certainly didn’t have the speed anymore.

It was laughable, and Magnus and Alec did laugh about it thankfully. If they made themselves in a bad mood for it then the day would be a lot harder than it already needed to be. Laughing about the fact that they felt sluggish because they had eaten too much in the apocalypse, it was good. And it was actually quite funny because who would have thought they could eat too much during the days of the undead?

They wandered forward a little further, coming to the brow of a hill where they stopped for a moment and surveyed the beauty before them. There wasn’t a walker in sight, there were just fields that stretched for miles. To the right there lay a forest, not all that vast but something that would give them shade. The sun was hot, bearing down on them, so they decided to take a leisurely stroll towards it. They were in no hurry, not today.

“When you were younger,” Alec began, taking Magnus’ hand as they went. “Did you ever want to run away into the woods?”

“Yes,” Magnus answered. “But I’m sure it was for very different reasons to you.”

“What were your reasons?” Alec asked, quietly for he could probably guess what those reasons were.

“The abuse mainly,” Magnus answered, comfortable with it because it was Alec and it was far in the past. “I remember my half-sister wanting to take me away, but then she moved.”

“You don’t talk about them much,” Alec said.

“My half-siblings? No. There’s too many of them to count, Azzy was an ass like that,” Magnus said in reference to his father and his many ‘nights out’, as it were.

“Do you miss them?”

“I barely saw them.”

Magnus missed all of his family but both of his fathers were abusive and, as he said, he barely saw them. His mother was the only one that cared but she didn’t care that much. She looked after him but only because she felt bad when she saw all the beatings and the bruises. His family were messed up, there is no doubting that. But he did miss them.

People couldn’t not miss the life before. Whether it was the bad things or the good things, everyone missed them. It was simpler back then, Magnus’ biggest issue being whether or not he would be getting fed that day. Now, it was the same but in a very different manner, a manner of starvation not just abuse.

‘ _Just abuse_ ,’ Magnus thought to himself, it was never _just abuse._ But, after everything they had gone through, after everything they faced, it kind of was. It was still horrible and Magnus still hated thinking about it, but he had faced worse abuse now. Rape, torture, fear worse than the one he had for his fathers, those were the things Magnus had been through. Back then, it seemed a much more facile task.

“Why did you want to run?” Magnus asked, trying to ignore how easy everything had been before.

“When I realised I was gay, it was probably then.” Alec shrugged. “I knew my father would never accept me, my mother as well. I planned it all out, you know.”

“Did you now?” Magnus grinned. “How rebellious. Did you save all your pocket money too?”

Alec punched his arm. “Shut up.”

“Oh, Raziel. You did.” Magnus’ grin was not budging. “That is so adorable. Like seriously, the absolute cutest thing.”

“I’m glad you’re laughing at my struggles with the homophobic community.” Alec tutted.

“Now you’re just being sensitive,” Magnus joked further.

“And now you’re ridiculing me personally, Magnus. I cannot believe this, I don’t know what to think anymore. You know what, I think we should break up.” Alec smiled despite himself.

“Okay, if that’s what you want.” Magnus played along. “I’ll go this way and you go that way.”

They laughed at each other before they kissed lightly to show there was no malice behind their words. Then they continued to walk, slowly in their calmed manner. This was who they were, this was who they always had been. They joked about things like that and they were happy. This life, this was the one they were meant to lead. Things were okay. In fact, they were better than okay, they were perfect.

Maybe they didn’t have a regular food supply, maybe they didn’t have cleaning supplies, and maybe they didn’t have stability, but they were there. They were living and surviving and getting by. There may have been issues, but they weren’t doing so terribly.

Any other world, and it might have been different, it might have been strange to hear them laughing about breaking up, but not in this world. This was who Alec and Magnus were, this was how they lived. They joked, they played, and they remembered their past in a light-hearted manner.

Some may have thought it odd, some may have questioned how that was reassuring to them, but that was just the way they were. There were problems, there were big issues, but Magnus didn’t need to think about those things negatively. If he saw the good, if he could laugh about it all, then he could get by. Things were already terrible, Magnus didn’t need to be remorseful about it. That just didn’t make sense, not to Magnus anyway.

The sun may have been hot and the dead were still living, but it wasn’t so bad, not after it all. They were alive and they had each other. They had their scars and they had Max’s teddy bear and they had memories, but they had each other. That was what they needed, that was all anyone needed; love and people.

Magnus had Alec, the truest and purest love he could have ever asked for. They were there, together and living. They held hands, they talked, and they lived. What more could Magnus want? Some may have asked for more food, some may have asked for a bed, but Magnus didn’t. Sure, he may have wanted that, but he wanted Alec more than anything else, and he had him. Despite everything, he had him. They had each other.

They walked on, hand in hand as the moment faded slightly though they were still light-hearted. Magnus’ heart was full of love and it was Alec that was doing that to him. Every day when he woke up and he saw Alec, his heart would swell and he would remember that he didn’t need anything else to be happy. All he needed was Alec, and he had him by his side at all times.

“So, are we heading to a lighthouse?” Alec asked.

“A lighthouse?” Magnus repeated, a little confused.

“Way back when, wasn’t that one of our plans?”

Magnus thought back and nodded. “Yeah, it was. Slight problem though, darling, where’s the water?”

“Is that a pessimistic attitude I hear?” Alec asked, feigning shock and disappointment.

“Darling, realism doesn’t always equate to pessimism,” Magnus explained with a smile.

“Well, we haven’t gotten this far by focusing on the reality now, have we?”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Magnus said, and he smiled at Alec who smiled back. “Do we have to have a goal in mind?”

“Isn’t that how we get by?” Alec asked, a slight confusion in his tone.

“No,” Magnus said. “We get by, by being with each other.” Magnus said.

“That’s rather cheesy, Magnus,” Alec said, smiling despite it.

“Yes, but it’s true.” Magnus squeezed Alec’s hand. “We, well, _I_ would not be here without you. Not at all.”

“Really?” Alec’s voice was soft, as if he needed reassurance, as if this entire time and through everything they had been through still didn’t help him realise how much Magnus loved Alec.

“Really,” Magnus said and he kissed Alec’s cheek.

He flushed. Magnus loved it when he blushed, loved that he could still make Alec react in such a way after so long together. Magnus loved him more and more each day, not quite being able to understand how his love for Alec could be so strong and so big. It was as though Magnus’ love was ever growing, unable to stop no matter what.

The apocalypse brought out new sides to him, sides Magnus fell in love with. This was not the Alec he would have ever known if they had lived normal lives and Magnus wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but he loved him. He loved him entirely, with everything that he was and everything he would ever be.

Nothing could stop that, nothing could come between them. Sure, things wavered and doubts crept in, but that was life. The important thing was that Magnus was there with him, that he ignored those doubts and got over those issues and he focused on what he had, on what _they_ had. It was love. Perhaps their love was different to the sort of love those back in the days before might know, but Magnus knew this was still love.

“Magnus,” Alec called, bringing Magnus out of the daydream he was in. “Where you at?”

“I’m right here,” Magnus answered with a smile.

“Oh, I didn’t realise you had that dazed expression when you were in the moment. I must have not noticed that even though we spend every second of every day together,” Alec joked.

Magnus squeezed his hand just a little too hard and Alec laughed.

“Seriously, where were you?” Alec asked again, softer this time.

“You’re gonna laugh.”

“I won’t.”

“You will.”

“I promise,” Alec said as he did a cross over his heart.

“You promise?”

Alec nodded.

“I was thinking about you, actually,” Magnus said. “And how much I love you.”

Alec did a fake snigger.

“Okay, for real, we’re breaking up now.” Magnus let go of his hand, smiling all the same.

“Damn, I’ve really done it now.” Alec shook his head at himself. “I’ll have to join one of those dating sites.”

“The one with the uniforms.” Magnus nodded in agreement.

Alec hummed in appreciation. “Definitely.”

“Excuse me.” Magnus faked being hurt. “I should be enough for you, Mr… Wait, are you taking my name?”

It wasn’t something they had ever considered, never even spoken about. They had just put rings on each other and decided they were husbands, that was all they needed to feel like they were together. The logistics had never been gone into, they didn’t need to go through them. They were living in the apocalypse and logistics were not something they ever needed to go through.

They hadn’t had a ceremony, they hadn’t even told anyone that they were married. Of course, it wasn’t official or legal, they had had no vows, no reception, no nothing. Living in the apocalypse had prohibited them from that but they didn’t need it to be legal to be real. And even if they did, laws really didn’t exist anymore.

They hadn’t even really talked about it since the day they had exchanged their rings, they had just accepted it. Magnus had asked him, he had said yes, and then they exchanged rings and decided that was that. There was nothing more to it, not really. But, now he was thinking about it, he did want to know what their names would be.

“I think Magnus Lightwood sounds amazing… Wait, no, no, it doesn’t.” Alec grimaced.

“Alec Bane?” Magnus tested. “Alexander Bane.”

“Raziel, these are not good options.”

“What about,” Magnus began with a pause following for emphasis. “Magnus and Alexander Lightwood-Bane?”

Alec mulled it over for a few moments and then nodded. “I like that a lot.”

“Well, please, after you, Mr. Lightwood-Bane,” Magnus said as he gestured forward with his hand.

Alec practically giggled as he blushed, stepping forward. However, being so distracted on their current topic, Alec missed that there was almost a ledge before him that sloped down in an almost steep-like hill. His foot went over the edge and, before he could stop himself and before Magnus could grab him, he slipped.

Magnus laughed. It was so typical of him to be clumsy when there was so little to be clumsy about. Sure, it was a rather sudden ledge, but who fell over that? Alec, that’s who. It looked a little painful as he rolled down, but he would survive. He had certainly survived through worse.

But then he stopped laughing because Alec disappeared from view. Never did Magnus like that to happen. They had to be together always or Magnus’ heart would stop in its place. It was doing that now, though he knew Alec was just being his clumsy self. Alec was always clumsy, Magnus wouldn’t have to worry about him, right?

Wrong. Magnus peered over the edge to make sure he was okay and caught him scrambling away from something, fear plain on his face. But he had grown sluggish because of all the food he had eaten and he wasn’t going fast at all. Magnus didn’t know what he was so desperate to get away from but he did know that his heart was stuck in its place between his lungs.

It could have been a thousand things, right? A mangy cat, a feral dog, a mother hen protecting its young, right? It could have been any one of those things, nothing properly dangerous, right? Magnus knew it had to be something simple like that purely because he didn’t want to believe it could be anything else. No, it would be fine, it would be something small and something they could deal with. It had to be.

Then he saw the thing, the _walker_ that had no back legs but was faster than Alec was. It was faster than normal without the extra weight of its legs and Alec was slower because he was full of food. Magnus went to call out, went to do something to try and stop it, but he couldn’t, his voice had frozen.

Magnus skidded down the slope as fast as he could, ripping his jeans on the stray rocks and bloodying the side of his arm that was exposed, but he didn’t care. He was desperate to move fast, but his legs weren’t working like he wanted them to. He wanted to go fast, Alec needed him, his Alec needed him and he couldn’t get there, he just couldn’t.

He tried picking up the pace but there was nothing he could do. Everything was unfolding before him, just out of reach. Magnus tried his best, tried to get there fast enough to help Alec, to do something and help the man he loved more than anything else on the planet.

Alec had turned over and was crawling away, fearing that if he stood, it would take too long and he would get grabbed. He was trying to get away, trying to run and escape. He was trying to get to safety and Magnus wanted to help him, he needed to help. Scrambling away as fast as he could, Alec tried to get away, tried to flee.

Magnus was close, he was almost there, almost at the bottom of the hill. In a mere few seconds, he would be there and be beside Alexander, someone he would never let go. He would get there and he would reach him and he would help. He was so close, just a little further down and he would be there.

But he didn’t get there in time.

Just as Magnus reached the bottom, his arm scraped and bleeding though he did not feel it, he had tried running forward to reach him. He was too far away and he had to watch as the walker grabbed onto Alec, pulling him down with its fingers digging into his stomach and its teeth sinking into the flesh of his shoulder.


	30. We've All Got to Let Go

> “Sooner or later we've all got to let go of our past.”  
>  ― Dan Brown, _Deception Point_

_Alec_

_Before_

_Magnus’ birthday was a treat for all except for Magnus himself. He never liked to celebrate it, not ever. It was odd thing since he adored celebrating everyone else’s birthday, hell even his cat’s birthday, but never his own. Something about his birthday made him hate everything._

_Therefore, whenever it was his birthday after he and Alec had decided their relationship was boyfriend-boyfriend status, Alec did everything to make Magnus celebrate it. The first year, Magnus had been reluctant, and Alec had struggled to just get him up and out of bed. The second year had been a little better, Magnus had even opened his present. After that, Magnus became more and more used to the idea that he would celebrate it. He never outright enjoyed it, but he did it for Alec, which was odd because it was_ Magnus’ _birthday, but hey, Alec wasn’t complaining if that was what got Magnus to celebrate._

_He would be thirty this year and he was dreading it. Alec had guessed it was because he was seven years older than Alec and he hated feeling old, but Alec really didn’t know. Maybe there was a deeper cause, Magnus was a peculiar man and Alec still didn’t understand all of his complexities. After meeting in college when Alec was eighteen, Magnus being twenty-five at the time, Alec had learnt a lot about him and fallen desperately in love with him over the five years they had known each other, but there was still a lot to learn. It was lucky they had the rest of their lives together to discover everything for Alec knew Magnus was the man for him for the rest of his days._

_Maybe they would get married, maybe they would adopt children, Alec didn’t know yet and he still had a while to decide of course, they weren’t going anywhere anytime soon. It was a whole lot to be thinking about, but sometimes his mind just wandered. You couldn’t always help that._

_Alec awoke on the day of Magnus’ thirtieth, it being a very special birthday because, well, it was_ thirty _, to see the sun shining outside. It poured through their curtains that were a little too thin. They had the money to replace them, they just never did. It was always something they were going to do, never actually getting round to doing it. It was just one of those things. Maybe if they moved out of the apartment, bought a house, maybe then they would get nicer curtains that didn’t let the light from the City pour in, but again, that was the future, not now._

_Now was Magnus’ birthday. He stretched, his neck sore from where he had been resting on Magnus’ chest during the night. Magnus had come home late to avoid any pre-birthday surprises, so they hadn’t had any sexual encounters, but Alec didn’t mind, they would get to that later and Magnus wouldn’t complain._

_Of course, Magnus was still asleep. Last year, Magnus had pretended to be asleep until late afternoon because he didn’t want to get up. Alec had to actually drag him out of bed and dress him so they could properly celebrate with the few hours they had left of the day. Magnus had been proud of that feat but it had made Alec even more set to make him celebrate properly._

_So, when he awoke before him today, Alec set himself up and pressed their lips together, soft as the morning light that settled upon them. Magnus stirred so Alec pulled back, but when Magnus didn’t open his eyes, Alec went back in again. This time it was deeper, Alec’s breath warm against Magnus’ skin._

_Magnus moaned into Alec’s mouth, soft and croaky from sleep. When Alec felt Magnus’ eyelashes fluttering against his skin, Alec pulled away again. He waited, but Magnus still didn’t open his eyes. It was going to be one of those days, and Alec sighed._

_Pulling the sheet off him to reveal his semi naked body covered with a pair of red boxers, Alec straddled Magnus’ thighs. He leaned down again, pressing his mouth to Magnus’ jaw, then down his neck to lightly suck at different spots, not enough to bruise but enough to get Magnus to rut his hips up. Magnus’ eyes however, still didn’t open, even though his hands twitched in desperation to touch Alec._

_“I know you’re awake,” Alec mumbled against Magnus’ neck._

_Magnus hummed gently. Alec felt like he had no choice left, so he bit down on the skin, knowing it would leave a mark. Magnus’ eyes flew open in shock, his hands going automatically to Alec’s hips. For a second, Magnus’ face read nothing, but then he grinned, his fingers digging into Alec’s hips slowly._

_“Well, good morning,” Magnus drawled._

_“Mhm,” Alec said._

_“Is this my present?” Magnus asked, his grin still spreading somehow._

_“Nope,” Alec said, removing himself from Magnus’ thighs._

_Magnus’ face dropped instantly and he looked more offended than Alec had ever seen. Alec grinned as he sat up on the bed, resting his back against the headboard. Magnus scoffed and went to close his eyes again, so Alec lightly slapped his chest._

_“Don’t even think about it,” Alec said._

_Magnus rolled his eyes and turned to his side, resting his head on his hand as he propped his elbow up. Alec quickly searched Magnus’ body, the sheets covering just enough to make Alec’s cock twitch because it draped over his hips but hid everything else. Alec saw the curves and bones of his hips and he thought about removing the sheet to look at him some more, but Magnus slept in briefs too, so he wouldn’t see anything. How disappointing._

_“Darling, my eyes are up here,” Magnus said._

_Alec’s eyes flicked up, a hint of crimson flashing across his cheeks. Even after dating for so long, Alec still got embarrassed. That was just in Alec’s nature, and Magnus adored to tease him for it._

_Grinning, Magnus traced a finger up and down Alec’s abdomen, admiring the muscle. “So, are you my birthday present this year?” Magnus asked, quirking an eyebrow._

_“Um, no, you’re not that lucky,” Alec said._

_“Then I’m going back to sleep,” Magnus said and he went to move again but Alec grabbed his hand. Again, Alec settled himself atop Magnus, leaning down to bring their mouths close, but not close enough to touch._

_“But maybe I will be later,” Alec said, brushing their lips together._

_Magnus reached up and tried to lock their lips but Alec was faster. He got up and climbed off of Magnus and then off of the bed completely. Magnus moaned in frustration, sighing as he thrust his head back into the pillow._

_Dressing quickly, Alec then said, “If you’re not out in ten minutes, I won’t have sex with you for another year until your next birthday.”_

_Suffice to say, Magnus dressed quicker than he had ever done before._

_By the time Magnus came out to their main room, Alec was cooking him breakfast. It was a Full Breakfast, eggs, bacon, beans, all of it. Magnus would say that Alec was doing too much, but he daren’t say anything again in case Alec threatened him with no sex for a year. He knew Alec would never be able to go through with it, but the mere threat was enough to keep him quiet._

_Magnus sat down at the island as Alec worked, knowing fully well that Alec would not allow him to help no matter how much he wanted to. Instead, Alec could feel Magnus watching him as he moved around the kitchen, his gaze heavy. Usually, that gaze was lustful and Alec had to take on a lot of restraint to not turn around and do dirty things to him on the countertops._

_When Alec was finished cooking, he plated it and brought it over to Magnus. He kept a plate for himself and ate, leaning over the counter and not pulling another seat up. Gratefully, Magnus took it and began eating._

_“Happy birthday,” Alec said._

_Magnus flicked his eyes up to Alec, glared, then returned back to his plate._

_Alec grinned. “You’re meant to say like, thank you or something.” Alec shrugged._

_Magnus hummed but said nothing. Snorting, Alec picked up some of the egg with his fork that was on his plate and flicked it at Magnus. It landed on his plate thankfully, the wrath that would incur if it landed on Magnus would not be one Alec would want to deal with. He was always feistier on his birthday, and that was saying something considering how feisty he usually was._

_“What hell do you have planned for me today then?” Magnus asked after eating the egg piece that Alec had thrown at him._

_“I know you don’t really want to celebrate it, so I just thought we’d go out for the day, and I have the Madison booked five thirty tonight.”_

_“Early isn’t it?” Magnus asked._

_“It’s a classy place, they get booked super early,” Alec said, lying because he had booked well in advanced and could have had it booked for six or seven. The real reason was there was a surprise party too. It was the first year Alec had invited his own family to celebrate with Magnus. He had met them before, a fair few times in fact, and Alec felt like this was the next progression in the birthday setup, and that was the reason Magnus didn’t expect the party; because he’d never had one before, not a surprise one from Alec._

_“Okay, thanks,” Magnus said quietly. “Did my mother call?”_

_“Yeah, last night before you got home, she said she’d swing by in the week. Your step-father too,” Alec paused. “And Azzy called last night. He said he’d come by, with your brothers and sisters.”_

_“Oh wow, what a treat,” Magnus said, rubbing his face with both hands in a pause between eating. “It’s only a number, no one needs to do anything special.”_

_“It’s thirty-,”_

_“Please don’t remind me, darling.”_

_“They just want to say happy birthday.”_

_“The phone is right there.”_

_“It’s_ thirty,” _Alec reminded again. “It’s more significant and deserves more than just a phone call.”_

_“Fine, but I’ll only go about it happily if you promise me one thing-,”_

_“I will give you birthday sex when we get back tonight, yes.”_

_“Well, thank the Angel above, I really thought you were going to hold off on me,” Magnus said, holding a hand to his heart as if he were truly worried. Of course he wasn’t, Alec couldn’t hold off if he tried._

_When they finished eating, they left their apartment and went for a walk through New York City. As per usual, it was alive with life and busy with people going about, doing whatever it was that people did in New York. Alec loved the City life, it came with a sense of anonymity that allowed Alec to merge with the crowd. He never liked standing out, and being able to blend in was perfection to him._

_Well, he would have been able to blend in further in if he wasn’t dating Magnus, a man who loved attention more than he loved himself. That makes him sound like a most egotistical man, and he sort of was, but Alec loved him. To be honest, it was kind of impossible not to love him and Alec had fallen so deeply in love with him, he knew he could never fall out of it._

_They ended up in Central Park, the day being perfect for it. The trees swayed so gently, they barely moved and Alec sat next to Magnus, the light breeze rousing their hair. Despite the heat of the day, they sat close, Magnus’ arm around Alec’s shoulder._

_They got a few looks from onlookers but Alec had long since forgotten to care what people think. Gay marriage had been legalised but it wasn’t as though everyone was accepting yet. More and more, Alec saw gay couples and people in general feeling more confident to express themselves as trans or ace or just generally who they were and it was great, but there were still those people who felt like traditional ways of life were the best ways of life. Alec hated those kinds of people._

_So, to spite them, Alec leaned over and kissed Magnus on the lips for a lingering amount of time. Although public displays of affection were not Alec’s favourite thing, sometimes he couldn’t help himself. And it was Magnus’ birthday after all, he deserved some kisses when they were sat out in the park._

_When they broke apart, Alec said, “Sorry, I couldn’t help it.”_

_Magnus was smiling, adoration complete in his eyes. His hand had wound its way into Alec’s black locks and were slowly massaging the smalls of his neck. A few shivers ran their way through Alec’s body as they always seemed to when Magnus was touching him._

_“I think I can forgive you,” Magnus said, the smile reaching his eyes._

_“What do you want to do next?” Alec asked, thinking Magnus might be happier if he could decide what they did during the day._

_They spent the next few hours just sitting in Central Park. It was peaceful, a lovely way to spend their day. It was at times like these when Alec wished time could stop and they could live in that moment forever. The weather was perfect, the day was perfect, Magnus was perfect, and that’s all Alec wanted. For the rest of his life, he just wanted this perfection._

_Life came with such exciting moments and they always passed so quickly you could barely hold onto them. That’s why it’s the quieter moments that matter more sometimes, the moments you can hold onto and treasure. Eventually, you have to let go, because we’ve all got to let go in the end, but being in the moment and appreciating it as it came, that was the important thing._

_The fast and exciting moments came and went too quickly and you couldn’t really enjoy them until they were gone, as only a memory. But these ones, the ones where Alec sat with Magnus in Central Park, or where they were cuddled up on the sofa watching some terrible film, or when they were lying in the morning light for hours longer than they should have, those moments were appreciated when he was in them._

_In those moments, Alec and Magnus could cuddle up and talk or just be quiet together. Alec could study Magnus’ features or the feel of him against his body and engrain it all into his mind. Those quiet moments, those perfect moments, those were the ones Alec wanted to freeze and live in forever._

_But he couldn’t do that because that was impossible. So he wrapped himself up in the moment and snuggled into Magnus’ side and they talked and they existed together. Alec felt the heat from his body, heard the gentle tones of his deep voice, and was there with him, in the moment, knowing he would hug the memory close to his chest for the rest of his days, no matter what happened._

_Coming close to five o’clock, Magnus and Alec went back to their apartment to change for their meal since it was a fancy place and jeans and a t-shirt wouldn’t do. They both dressed in suit trousers and white shirts without ties, but wearing jackets on top. Magnus looked incredibly attractive and it took a lot for Alec to restrain himself and not rip the clothes off of him. That would come later._

_They waited for a few minutes whilst their table was being set up and then they were set down near the window, the sunset a perfect view as it sank, dipping below the tall buildings and masking the sky in magentas and golds, obscuring the stars that could have shown if there wasn’t so much light pollution. The City was just as alive at night as it was during the day and it filled Alec with an odd buzz. That was New York for you._

_It was Alec’s treat so he was spending a lot, something Magnus didn’t like but he could do nothing to stop him. Alec bought the red wine, the starters, the main, the dessert, everything. It was on the pricey side but Alec would do anything for Magnus. His love made him see passed the price tag._

_“You’re spending an awful lot on me, darling,” Magnus said after their main course was brought out. Their wine glasses had just been refilled as well so Alec could understand what Magnus was saying._

_“It’s your birthday, you deserve it,” Alec said._

_“I don’t know if I deserve all this.”_

_“You do,” Alec said as he smiled at Magnus, taking his first bite. It was delicious, worth the money._

_“What did I do to deserve you?” Magnus asked in admiration as he too began eating._

_Alec laughed lightly, still not all that comfortable with compliments. He should have been really, considering how often Magnus complimented him and called him ‘gorgeous’ and all that, but he still wasn’t. Alec was a modest man through and through._

_“I mean it,” Magnus said when he could tell Alec wasn’t going to answer. “I think you’re too good for me. And I know I think I’m Raziel’s gift to this earth, but you are just, I don’t know, too good.”_

_“I’m really not,” Alec said, flushing under such heavy words of appraisal. “I’m just celebrating your birthday, there’s nothing crazy good about that.”_

_“A lot of people would have given up trying to celebrate years ago.”_

_Alec shrugged. “I think everyone should celebrate their birthday. It’s nothing special for me to do this.”_

_“Mm,” Magnus said and Alec could feel Magnus studying him, looking deep into his eyes. “I love you.”_

_Alec smiled. “I love you, too.”_

_“And birthday sex when we get home, right? You did promise.”_

_“Oh, so that’s why you’re being so nice to me. You know, for a moment, I really thought you loved me, how idiotic.”_

_“That was very stupid of you,” Magnus said, nodding along at Alec’s idiocy. “I’m totally just using you for your body, it couldn’t possibly be anything else.”_

_Alec snorted. They joked like that a lot but Alec knew there was no truth behind it. They loved each other more than anything. Of course, they loved their families, but this romantic love was strong and it was their bond that made them perhaps a perfect match for each other. They had their flaws, as everyone did, but they loved them despite their flaws, or they loved them_ because _of their flaws, who really knew. Their love was their love and it mattered not what anyone else thought._

_Their dessert sharing was very romantic, the candlelight illuminating their skin as they smiled and beamed at each other. They shared one fork as they broke up their double chocolate fudge cake and fed each other, something very couple-like that made Alec almost a giggling mess. He managed to keep back the giggling because his love for Magnus was more overwhelming and sharing this cake was one of the best things they could ever do._

_It was so damn romantic, so much so that Alec forgot there was a surprise party waiting for them back at their apartment. They left at around seven, which was good because Alec told everyone to be ready for after seven, but Alec forgot that because Magnus was feeling very lustful and Alec was too._

_They managed to restrain themselves up until their apartment building, but, once inside, Magnus’ hands had somehow found their way up Alec’s shirt and were moving up and down his spine. Then they were on Alec’s ass and squeezing as he pressed Alec’s back against the wall with his body pressing against his. Their mouths were hot on each other, desperate and passionate as their tongues met over and over, slicking up their kiss._

_It was perhaps a little too intimate for the stairwell of a public building, but they no longer cared. All Alec wanted was the taste of Magnus on his lips, and Magnus’ mouth roaming across his naked body. That was all he cared for, that was what he coveted and he would get it no matter what._

_They somehow managed to get up the stairs without shoving each other through someone else’s door, and then Alec was fumbling for his key in his pocket as Magnus started nibbling and tugging at his ear, his breath hot against his neck. It was sending waves through Alec’s body and he couldn’t even control the slight moan that left his lips._

_Getting the door open, Alec almost pulled Magnus in and dragged him towards the sofa but the lights were flicked on and a whole bunch of people jumped up and screamed ‘surprise’ and Magnus and Alec stopped dead in their tracks. One of Magnus’ hands was resting on the small of Alec’s back but, thankfully, they were not attached to each other by their mouths anymore. Considering Max and Magnus’ mother and step-father were there, that was a good call from him._

_There was a moment of pause where Alec genuinely thought Magnus might just turn around and walk out, but then Max ran up and hugged Magnus. Magnus smiled and used both hands to hug Max back._

_“Happy birthday, Magnus,” Max said once he pulled away, beaming up at the much taller man. Max always was a little small._

_“Thank you, Max,” Magnus said, ruffling Max’s hair._

_“I made you this,” Max said, going back to the sofa he had been hiding behind and bringing out this odd contraption back to Magnus. Max was very into science, so it could have been anything. Alec could see that it warmed Magnus’ heart._

_“Thank you, sweetheart,” Magnus said, picking it up. “Let’s sit down and you can tell me what it does.” Magnus let Max take his hand as they went to one of the sofas, greeting everyone gratefully as he went._

_Max was so young, much, much younger than his brother and sister. Maryse had gotten pregnant on the verge of their oncoming divorce and, being the traditional people that they were, Maryse said she couldn’t have aborted him even though Max would have to grow up in a household where his parents hated each other._

_But they had stayed together and were still together now, and that’s what really mattered. They were being civil for Magnus’ birthday party and Alec was glad. It had to be perfect and not having his parents argue would allow for that. Family was an imperfect thing, but Alec would assure they did not ruin Magnus’ thirtieth._

_Magnus spent the first little while, after talking to Max, with his mother and step-father who were very happy to be invited. They left quite early, not wanting to disturb anything or anyone, and Magnus looked relieved after they left, but it was clear he had been happy that they were there. They had a complicated relationship and Alec still didn’t understand the half of it, but Magnus still wanted them to be a part of his life, so Alec was glad he had invited them over._

_Then there was cake, a huge cake that Alec knew was impractical but Max had fallen in love with it and all its frosting, so Alec had had to buy it. Magnus laughed at the thirty candles that were put on it haphazardly, and he blew them all out in one go which was very impressive and received a cheer._

_Then there was laughter and talking and present opening going on well into the night, even Magnus enjoying himself which Alec was shocked to see. Maryse and Robert tried to take Max home when it was his bedtime but he had insisted on staying and no one wanted to take him away, not when he was having so much fun._

_It was a proper birthday party, the first real one Magnus had had in years, and Alec was so proud of himself but he was more proud of Magnus. Magnus who, although a man who loved to celebrate himself, did not like his birthday, and he had done so well and celebrated so properly. It might not have been the fullest of houses but it was one hell of a start._

_Maybe next year they would have a bigger party with more of Magnus’ family as well as Alec’s side, but Alec wouldn’t get presumptuous. He just wanted Magnus to be happy and whatever form that took on Magnus’ birthday, Alec would abide by it. He knew he might be forcing it a little too much, but he wanted Magnus to be happy and celebrating another year of life, that was something to be happy about._

_When Jace, Clary, Simon, and Izzy left last, Alec and Magnus bid them goodbye, saying they would see them soon, and then the apartment was empty bar two. It was a nice emptiness, the sound of a pleasant silence that came after something exciting had happened where everyone was thinking back on it, a memory forming as it happened._

_“Thank you,” Magnus said quietly after he shut the door._

_Alec looked to him, sincerely not expecting that. “You’re welcome.”_

_Taking a few steps forward, Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec’s waist and pulled him close. Their bodies were flush against each other as Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus’ neck. They pressed their foreheads together, heat radiating off each other._

_Alec breathed in deep, Magnus’ cologne settling in his nose. It was a beautiful smell, it reminded Alec of the first time they met when Magnus sauntered into his life and all Alec could focus on was that gorgeous face and the most perfect smell he had ever had the pleasure of knowing. He had come to know Magnus’ scent to an utter perfection and it reminded him of home and love and Magnus, just Magnus,_

_“You are so perfect,” Magnus said, their eyes centimetres away from each other._

_“I’m most certainly not,” Alec said back, his entire body melting because of the way Magnus was speaking, his voice deep and thick._

_The lust was consuming Alec, he could feel it running through his system, making his bones weak. Even after this long together, Magnus could make him all giddy and weak-kneed._

_“Oh, but you are,” Magnus said, his lips so close Alec could almost taste them. “Look at everything you’ve done for me. How could you not think you’re absolutely perfect?”_

_“Because I’m not doing anything that anyone else wouldn’t do.”_

_“I’ve had plenty of people that wouldn’t bother with this at all,” Magnus said, his voice throaty, sending waves through Alec’s body._

_“They weren’t worth you then,” Alec said, his heart about to fly out of his chest._

_Magnus smiled and leaned down to kiss Alec, pressing their lips together in a soft movement. Alec leaned up, running a hand through Magnus’ locks and bringing their lips together, flush. Letting his hands slip down, Magnus pushed them passed Alec’s waistband and over his briefs, gripping at Alec’s clothed ass. Unable to stop himself, Alec moaned into Magnus’ mouth._

_Alec could feel Magnus smiling into their kiss, so Alec dropped his hands and hooked his fingers through Magnus’ belt loops, pulling him back as he led them through the apartment and towards their bedroom. It was not a difficult path to be guided through since they had done it like this many times, meaning Alec didn’t bump into a thing even though his eyes were closed._

_Once in the bedroom and with Alec’s legs pressed against the bed, Magnus hoisted Alec up and let him fall back, his head hitting the pillows with a satisfying thump. He looked up to Magnus, his eyes consumed with lust as his pupils devoured the colour._

_Slowly, Magnus started undoing his buttons and revealing his olive skin. Alec could feel the blood filling his cock, making him hard and press against the fabric covering his crotch. It didn’t take much for Alec to get hard, especially when Magnus was being the tease that he was._

_Magnus was grinning something wolfish as he watched Alec who was intent on his hands working open his shirt. When Magnus shrugged it off, he climbed on top of the bed, his legs straddling Alec’s thighs, and he dipped his head to kiss Alec because he couldn’t resist him. Alec gripped at Magnus’ bare shoulders, digging his fingers in deep as he rubbed their clothed cocks against each other, making them both moan._

_But Magnus was too much of a tease to let Alec get all of his pleasure so soon. Since it was his birthday after all, Alec had to let him do what he wanted even if Alec really,_ really _didn’t want to. His cock was desperate for friction, for something to rub across it and send waves rushing through him._

_“Take off your shirt,” Magnus murmured as he set himself up and moved down to the edge of the bed where he knelt before it._

_It was quick work, taking off his shirt as Magnus undid his trousers. Soon enough, Alec was naked and his cock was throbbing, colouring because of the lack of pleasure he was getting. He wanted to pump his own cock, give himself something as he waited for Magnus to touch him but when he attempted to, Magnus slapped his hands away._

_A moment later, Magnus was sucking at the head of Alec’s cock, licking away the precum at the sensitive slit and making Alec’s thighs clench. Magnus’ hot mouth enveloped the head, sucking and making Alec’s hips buck despite the fact that Magnus would not take him anymore into his mouth until he wanted to. Magnus knew how to give head, and it would have frustrated Alec to no end if it didn’t feel so good._

_“Shouldn’t I… I be doing this for… for you?” Alec said, his breathing bated and short as he kept his head in the pillows, eyes closed._

_“It’s fine,” Magnus said as he let go of Alec’s cock to press hot kisses to his thighs. “I like your taste, this is treat enough for me.”_

_Alec would have responded but Magnus took his entire length in his mouth and Alec forgot what he was going to say, it being replaced by a moan from the depths of his throat. Alec could feel Magnus’ tongue along the underside of his cock as he sucked up and down, taking him in. Feeling the head of his cock pressing against the back of Magnus’ throat, Alec’s stomach lurched and he keened._

_He gripped at Magnus’ hair and Magnus chuckled against him, sending vibrations through Alec’s body that made his cock pulse in Magnus’ mouth. When Magnus hollowed his cheeks, moving up and down Alec’s length, Alec couldn’t help almost thrashing around on the bed._

_Even though they had done this a thousand times before, it got Alec riled every single time. Each time Magnus sucked his cock, licked his slit, sucked at his thighs, it sent Alec wild and his cock pulsed desperately. Alec could never contain his moans or mewls as Magnus sucked his cock. His tongue was hot as were his lips, wetting his skin and length, and Alec tried hard not to rut up into his mouth but he struggled._

_Magnus kissed his way up Alec’s length messily and Alec was sure he could feel his body melting into the bed beneath his hot skin. Every touch became hypersensitive and when Magnus kept his firm hands on Alec’s marked thighs, Alec could feel his body shivering, hairs standing up._

_He fisted Magnus’ hair, tugging just a little too harshly, not being able to help it because of how tight his stomach was getting. Magnus licked a long line up Alec’s cock, licking up more of Alec’s precum before Magnus kissed his way up Alec’s abdomen with a hot, open mouth. Standing, Magnus swiftly removed his trousers and underwear and settled himself on top of Alec again._

_Their cocks slid together as Magnus moved to lock lips, and Alec moaned, Magnus’ tongue sliding against his own. The tightening in Alec’s stomach was continuing to grow and Magnus rubbing his cock against Alec’s really wasn’t going to prolong his coming._

_Gently, Magnus rotated his hips, constantly rubbing their cocks flush together and Alec couldn’t help but follow the same rhythm, enveloping his arms around Magnus’ shoulders and bringing their bodies closer together. Magnus used one hand to cup Alec’s face, his hand warm against his skin as was the rest of his body._

_Not being able to help himself, Alec wrapped his legs around Magnus’ upper thighs. It kept their cocks closer together and Magnus moaned deeply into Alec’s mouth at the friction against his long cock._

_Magnus’ mouth left Alec’s as he nipped and sucked at his jaw and Alec arched his neck up, leaving the sensitive skin available for sucking. Getting to that quickly, their rutting got faster, Magnus leaving hot, wet marks against Alec’s pale skin. If they continued like this, they probably could have come, but Magnus wanted more._

_In a swift movement that demonstrated Magnus’ strength, he cupped Alec’s ass with one hand and his back with the other and, using Alec’s legs in the position they were, sat them both up. Now, sitting in Magnus’ lap, Alec was in a much more vulnerable position, his legs wrapping around Magnus’ hips._

_Magnus continued sucking at Alec’s neck and Alec rotated his hips still, rubbing their cocks together, though it was much harder._

_“Get the lube,” Magnus ordered against Alec’s neck._

_Alec nodded furiously and leaned back, Magnus’ arms still around him, in order to open their bedside table and hurriedly pull out the bottle and a condom as well in preparation for what would follow. He passed it quickly to Magnus as he continued to rock his hips against Magnus’ gorgeous cock._

_They shuffled slightly so Magnus’ cock settled against the seam of Alec’s ass and Alec’s rubbed against Magnus’ stomach. Magnus kneaded the muscle of Alec’s ass, making Alec rut further. His hands worked Alec’s ass hard and Alec threw his head back, unable to control his motions._

_Magnus spread Alec’s cheeks after lubricating his fingers and pressed his index finger passed the rim of muscle and into Alec’s hole. He didn’t need to be stretched, they had had sex an awful lot and Alec was already fully prepared for the size of Magnus’ cock, but it was their prelude to sex and Alec enjoyed it all the same._

_The way his fingers slowly spread him, the slight burn as he inserted another, gently pressing against his prostate every now and again, those were all the sensations that caused Alec to buck and rock against Magnus. Precum smeared across both their stomachs, Alec’s cock red from the desperation for friction that he wasn’t getting from his cock sliding across Magnus’ abdomen._

_Magnus’ lips were pressed openly across Alec’s chest and neck, primarily on his collarbone that he grazed his teeth over. Often he would hum into his sucking and biting of Alec’s skin as he marked him, causing red spots to appear all over his body. It was a sweet pain, one that Alec coveted every time they made love. His teeth, whilst sometimes a little harsh, were always pleasurable against his skin, causing the masochist in Alec to mewl._

_Soon enough, Magnus was satisfied that Alec was stretched and deserved some more, so he poured lube over his cock. The cool liquid poured down Alec’s back first before it settled over Magnus’ cock, and Alec hissed at the cold but the heat from Magnus’ body and his own made up for it._

_Alec could feel Magnus rubbing the lube up and down his cock after he put on the condom. Pressing the head of his cock into Alec’s open hole, Alec released a long moan. Magnus filled him up as he pressed their mouths together again._

_Running his tongue along Alec’s bottom lip, Magnus bit onto it and tugged, forcing Alec to whimper as they found a rhythm with their hips. It was slow, Alec’s thighs beginning to burn quickly as he took in Magnus’ length. It was the perfect angle to fill Alec up to Magnus’ hilt and rock up and down, his own cock covering Magnus in precum._

_There was a chorus of moans as they moved against each other, Alec burying his head on Magnus’ shoulder as Magnus kissed his neck with his wet mouth over and over again. This was a slow love making, a burning passion that kept them close. Sweat ran across them, making their bodies slide together perfectly, their hands roaming across the bodies they had come to know every inch of._

_Every bit of Alec’s skin burnt, sensitive to touch. He could feel Magnus digging his fingers into his muscle, surely bruising it but that was their love. It was fierce and passionate and hot, and Alec rutted against Magnus, his cock deep inside him, pulsing and throbbing._

_His thrusts were long and deep, filling Alec up with every inch of his cock. Alec couldn’t help but bite down on Magnus’ shoulder, hearing him whimper as he did it. Sometimes their love was so strong, it overwhelmed them and Alec had to bite down for fear of moaning the building down._

_Alec’s body was aching, their position being hard work. It was entirely worth it, his cock yearning to come as Magnus continued to rock up into Alec, his hot walls pulsing around Magnus inside him. His senses were sparking and Alec’s body was desperate, desperate to release._

_With a tight stomach and an aching cock, Alec came in hot spurts over Magnus as he pumped him in rhythm with his thrusting. His whole body jerked as he covered Magnus in hot semen that dripped down his stomach, but he did not stop moving his ass for Magnus. As his body clenched in its state of euphoria, Magnus’ cock twitched inside him, solid from the feeling of Alec’s heat around him._

_As Magnus came too, their chests collided in fits of heavy breaths. Alec couldn’t move his head from Magnus’ shoulder, his body too exhausted. It took a while for them to calm themselves down, their bodies hot and tired, but when they did they smiled at each other, pressing another kiss to each other’s lips, deep and soft._

_After Magnus removed the condom and threw it away, they settled into bed, sheets covering their naked bodies as they curled up together, Alec’s head on Magnus’ chest. That after sex feeling left Alec in what felt like an eternal happiness. His body was still relaxing, trying to stop twitching and trying to get his muscles to calm. It was a blissful ache._

_Their breathing synched as they calmed, chests rising and falling gently as sleep threatened to claim them. Alec was sure this was where his perfection came from, that this would be his happy place if he needed one. Being with Magnus, their naked bodies tangled together and nothing weighing on their minds, what else could Alec ever want?_

_“Happy birthday,” Alec said quietly into Magnus chest._

_“Thank you, Alexander,” Magnus said, and he kissed the top of Alec’s head._

_Right there, right then, Alec was sure he could feel nothing but happiness for the rest of his days. Knowing this feeling, Alec was sure he could never feel pain or unhappiness or sorrow or fear, not when he could be as happy as he was now. This, this was what he needed. All he needed was Magnus and he could be happy for the rest of his life._

_Surely, that would never change._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is probably the worst timing ever, but I'm at a convention next weekend. I'm going to try my utmost best to get the chapter up on the Sunday, but I'm not sure how great the wifi is going to be or how much time I'm going to have to get everything edited and up on time. I know this is prolonging the ending, and I don't want to do that at all but, if worst comes to worst, the final chapter might not be up until the Sunday after this next. I promise, I will try to get it posted next Sunday because I feel like closure is something we all need at this point, but I'm just not sure how it will work out.
> 
> I hope that doesn't cause too much frustration. I also hope you've enjoyed it so far and that the final chapter is something you will all enjoy as well. Thank you for reading x


	31. Forever Always Ended

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be expected at this point, please read with caution x

> “As they walked away, hand in hand, they vowed to be together forever, not knowing that forever always ended.”  
>  ― Cristiane Serruya, _Trust: Betrayed_

_Magnus_

Everything shattered around Magnus within a second. The earth crumbled, enveloping him, swallowing him up. And he was fine with it. If he no longer existed, then it didn’t just happen. If the world disappeared, Alec would not be… be… Alec would be fine.

He wanted to scream out, he wanted to do something, he wanted yell or run or cry, but he couldn’t. The world froze, everything stopping in its tracks. Time no longer existed. This wasn’t happening, Magnus wouldn’t let it. They had come too far, this was all some sick nightmare playing on his fears. This was not reality, Magnus wouldn’t believe it.

But Alec’s cursing as the damned thing tore into his skin made Magnus realise it was reality. Its teeth were deep in Alec’s flesh, its skinless fingers tearing into his shirt and breaking Alec open so he poured blood. Alec was kicking out, trying to pry the thing’s grip from him but it wouldn’t let go.

So Magnus did all he could do, he brought up his gun and shot, his hands shaking. It coursed through the undead’s skull, and it died again with its mouth still open and sitting on Alec’s shoulder, the rest of its body limp. Alec kicked the thing and scrambled away.

Magnus was still frozen, his legs like steel, unmoving. He felt sick and not just a feeling, but a genuine terror setting in his stomach, threatening to spew everything he had eaten. This wasn’t happening. It just wasn’t. Magnus was begging inside his head because nothing was going to come out of his mouth, no matter how hard he tried, he could say nothing.

Alec made quick eye contact with him before his eyes darted away again. There was blood pouring from the wounds across his arms and shoulder and stomach, and he was trying to put pressure on them but he couldn’t, they were at an angle too awkward for him and there were too many. That’s when Magnus found it in him to stumble forward, towards him.

He collapsed next to Alec on the floor, getting out the bandages and dressings that they had kept. They didn’t speak to each other, not as the consequences settled in. They knew what was dawning on them, they knew what was coming but if they didn’t talk about it, maybe it wasn’t true. If they left it in their silence, then Alec would be okay, he had to be.

The first few layers of dressing and bandage were soaked through quickly and Magnus had to wrap them tight to try and stop the bleeding. Once Magnus used almost all of their wrappings, the blood seemed to have been sufficiently stopped but Magnus knew they would keep bleeding until the end. The end that was suddenly so close.

They sat there together for a good while, neither talking nor doing anything at all for that matter. Magnus wanted to say something, he wanted to tell Alec that he would be okay and that he could chop off the injured part and save him, but he couldn’t. Alec was not going to be okay, if it had been a limb, Magnus could chop it off and Alec might be okay, but he couldn’t do that. It was the shoulder and the stomach. That was death through and through.

Every time Magnus thought he could say something, it left before he could open his mouth or died on his tongue. Alec was oblivious for he was staring into the distance, his eyes glazed over. He should have been crying or cursing or doing something, but he wasn’t. He had to be in pain, but he didn’t show it. That numb feeling had probably consumed him again. Magnus felt deathly sick.

What could he do now? What could either of them do now that Alec had been bitten? The infection would spread fast and Alec would be dead before Magnus even knew what was happening. This was the end and Magnus desperately didn’t want it to be true but it was.

Tears stung the back of his eyes and he shook them away. They would find something, they had to. They had hope, right? They always had hope, that was what they lived on. They would find it again and they would find something to help him. This didn’t have to be the end, it just didn’t.

“We should get going,” Alec said, his voice hoarse and sounding far away. “Walkers probably heard that shot, it isn’t safe here.”

Magnus wanted to reply but his throat wouldn’t let him. Instead, somehow, he just got up and helped Alec to his feet to and then they were moving on. Magnus’ feet were moving without him telling them what to do. They were headed in a direction neither Magnus nor Alec knew, but they were going. They were going somewhere they did not know, but they couldn’t stop. For some reason, stopping felt like they were giving up and Magnus wouldn’t let them give up. They still had hope, they couldn’t live without hope.

But it seemed like Alec weakened by the second. He pressed on, pushed himself to go further even though his body did not want him to. Although it was slight, Magnus could see the colour draining from his face, circles darkening underneath his eyes although he had had enough sleep the night before. He was sick, but he was trying his best not to be.

Magnus still had yet to talk to him, he just couldn’t do it. His voice had stopped working, it wouldn’t let him say anything to the man he loved, to the man that had been his life and all he lived for. Although Alec didn’t seem to notice, Magnus felt like the worst person to ever exist.

He needed to console him, there was no way Alec wasn’t hurting emotionally. No one accepted death easily, no matter what people said, no one wanted it really unless they were deeply depressed or something like that. Alec had gotten over that, they both had. So he had to be upset or angry or disappointed and Magnus should be saying something to him to make him better, but he couldn’t. His body and mouth wouldn’t let him.

That was probably because his mind wasn’t letting him accept it. No part of Magnus was actually thinking or believing that this was the end. They had gotten by for so long, lived their lives despite all the death around them, how could they be ended like this? There was nothing in Magnus that said this was the end. It just couldn’t be.

Night fell and Alec was walking slower as if his body ached and Magnus still wouldn’t believe it. Alec was strong, one of the strongest people Magnus knew, and he wasn’t dying. No, Magnus couldn’t believe it. They were going to go on forever, live until they were old and die of old age. Alec was not going to be taken out at this age, he just wasn’t. Magnus couldn’t and wouldn’t believe it. How could he?

The sky clouded over and Magnus feared it might rain but he couldn’t suggest that they stop because his voice still wouldn’t work. Thankfully, Alec noticed it too, the dark clouds lingering overhead, and they finally reached the trees they had been heading for all day. Alec suggested they stop for the night and, although Magnus didn’t agree verbally, he followed Alec all the same. He would always follow Alec.

Alec no longer had the energy to start a fire, though he did try. His hands shook as he held the flint and tried to create sparks. His grip was weak and, despite Alec struggling when he did, Magnus took them from him and had it done it two strikes, a small ember beginning to burn amongst the twigs they had gathered.

As it burnt, Magnus started to cook the meat, in silence again. Its crackle was the only thing that sat between them and it pierced Magnus’ heart. The silence weighed upon him like a weight, his whole body aching.

Once it was done, he passed some to Alec but Alec shook his head.

“There’s no point,” Alec said, not taking it both because he didn’t want to, and because his arms were growing too weak.

Tears came to Magnus’ eyes again, watering them. He wouldn’t let them fall, that would be accepting something he could never accept. He held the meat in his hands and kept it raised for Alec to take but Alec continued to shake his head.

“Take it,” Magnus said, his voice cracking.

“No. It’d be a waste,” Alec said, his voice suddenly thick, full of implication about what was going to happen to him.

Magnus wouldn’t have it. “If I have to feed you myself, I will.” Although he spoke of determination, his voice wasn’t showing it.

“I won’t let you,” Alec said.

Alec wasn’t looking at Magnus, his whole body looking defeated. Magnus willed him to look back, but Alec wouldn’t. There was a watering in Alec’s eyes too but he was clenching his fists as best as he could so the tears wouldn’t fall. Magnus tried to get him to take the food again, but Alec wouldn’t.

“Alec, please,” Magnus said.

Alec shook his head.

“Alec,” Magnus repeated, his voice cracking.

Alec looked at him then, his eyes full of water that he tried to blink away. There was such a sorrow in his eyes that it hollowed out Magnus’ heart. Once again, Alec shook his head but he held Magnus’ gaze. It made a tear roll across Alec’s cheek and Magnus wanted the world to stop.

“You need it more than me,” Alec said and he started chewing his lip.

“You need to keep healthy,” Magnus said, clinging to a hope that was slipping through his fingers with every second that passed. “If you stay healthy, we can keep going and find something to help.”

“Help what?” Alec asked, as if Magnus was being crazy.

He was really. What help could they get? No one had any help, no one had cures or medicines. It was almost naïve of Magnus to think that they could find something to help him, but Magnus wasn’t going to give up. There was no way he could give up on Alec. They were meant to get through this together, it was not meant to end like this.

“I don’t know,” Magnus said, his tears threatening to fall, but he wouldn’t let them. “There has to be something we can do.”

“Don’t think like that,” Alec said. “It’ll hurt you in the end, and you’ll blame yourself when I die-,”

“Don’t say that,” Magnus said, his heart aching. “It’s not over yet, you’re still here.”

“Barely.”

That much was true. He was looking even sicker slumped against the tree as he was, all of the colour from his already pale skin had gone. Whether that was from the blood loss or the infection, Magnus didn’t know but he hated seeing him like this. His pale skin was usually full of life, full of a certain glow and now that glow had faded. It was replaced by this sickly colour, his eyes dark and their light fading too. Magnus didn’t know what to do.

Magnus shuffled closer, forgetting the food. Alec flinched away as if he didn’t want Magnus to touch him whilst he was sick. Magnus didn’t give a fuck if he was quite honest, they were going to get through this but, if they didn’t, Magnus didn’t care if he got sick too. He wasn’t going to live in a world without Alec.

“Please, you can’t get sick too,” Alec said and his voice seemed weaker with every word.

“Don’t push me away,” Magnus said, and he went closer again but Alec flinched further.

“I’m not being responsible for your death too. I need you to go on, you aren’t going to die because of me, I won’t let it. Everyone else did, but not you.”

“What? No one’s died because of you, Alec.”

“Everyone has,” Alec said. “Simon died because he pushed me out of the way, Izzy sacrificed herself because we were both lagging behind, Jace and Clary got sick because I wanted to go to another town, mum and dad died because I couldn’t bring up the fact that we needed to move on, Max _and_ our Max died because I couldn’t protect them. I can’t let you die too. Please, stay away,” Alec said, his voice wobbling and tears falling down his face.

With his heart shattering into a thousand pieces, Magnus said, “Alec, that’s not your fault. I can’t let you think that.”

“And I can’t let you die,” Alec said.

Magnus didn’t care, he grabbed Alec’s hands and kept them in his grip. Alec struggled for a moment but gave up quickly. He didn’t have the energy. Not anymore.

There was another silence between them. Alec was looking away, tear streaks strong across his face. Magnus’ eyes were stinging but he had to be there for Alec, he couldn’t cry too. This wasn’t it. Alec might have accepted it, but Magnus hadn’t. And he wouldn’t.

“Magnus,” Alec said quietly.

“Yeah?”

“My body hurts.”

Magnus felt a tear fall then, but he ignored it. “What do you need me to do?”

“I don’t know.” Alec paused. “I’m scared.”

A lump formed in Magnus’ throat, one he couldn’t get passed. He squeezed Alec’s hands gently. “Me too.” That was all he could say, his voice breaking.

Alec looked back to Magnus, tears streaming. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Magnus.” Alec lip turned down and he bowed his head.

Bringing a hand to his chin, Magnus brought his gaze up. “Don’t be sorry,” Magnus said, tears falling readily down his face without hope of being stopped. “We’ll get through this.”

“No, we won’t,” Alec said. “At least I won’t. You need to go on.”

“You can’t expect me to do this without you,” Magnus said, his entire being feeling like it was being torn in half.

“Yes, I do,” Alec said. “I won’t let you die because of me.”

“Alec, I’m nothing without you.”

Alec stretched his hand up to Magnus’ face, it seemed painful but he did it all the same. He cupped Magnus’ cheek, his thumb brushing against the cheekbone, and Magnus sighed. Would this be the last time he did this?

No, Magnus couldn’t think like that. He had learnt to forget his defeatist ways. They would have many more times this, this wouldn’t be it, not for them. There was to be many more years together, they would live until the world came to an end. That was their promise, Magnus was not going to let Alec break it.

“Don’t say that,” Alec said. “You’re not the person you are because of me-,”

“But I am-,”

“No, you’re not. You’re who you are because of you. You might be moulded by those around you, but you are you because of you. I’m just your husband, I don’t make you who you are. You were still you before you met me.”

“I wasn’t, I’m worthless without you, Alec.”

“No, you aren’t, you really, really aren’t,” Alec said and he tried to smile but it looked so sad with his tear stained face. “You are wonderful, and beautiful, and amazing, and I am so happy I got to be with you.”

Magnus choked on his words, tears falling too heavily for him to cope. Alec was talking like this was the end, like he had given up.

“I’m sorry I was so bad to you,” Magnus said.

“You were never bad to me,” Alec said, wiping away some of Magnus’ tears, sniffling on his own.

“Oh, I was. You deserved someone who liked to celebrate their birthday and who treated their family and friends, and someone who didn’t cheat on you.”

“I don’t care about that, Magnus. I really don’t, because you were mine.”

“I _am_ yours, there’s no ‘were’ about it.”

“It will be soon,” Alec said with a heavy breath.

“No, no it won’t.” Magnus gripped hard onto Alec’s hand with both of his own, as if he could keep him in this world by holding onto him.

But it was already too late. Alec was fading. If the bite had been smaller then Alec would have had more time, but it had been so big and the infection was spreading too fast. They didn’t have long left.

“I love you,” Alec said, his breaths coming short and fast. “And I need you to go on, for me.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. You are so much stronger than you think you are, Magnus.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. If it weren’t for you, I would have given up so long ago. But you kept me going, you kept me seeing that life wasn’t so bad, and I could see it. You, it’s always been you, Magnus, my love, it’s been you that kept me going.”

“But you’re what keeps _me_ going.”

“And I will keep you going, I just can’t be by your side anymore.”

Magnus couldn’t say anything back. His heart was in shatters, his body feeling the same. The inevitability was settling over him and he tried to shake it off but he couldn’t. Alec seemed to have given in and if Alec wasn’t fighting anymore, Magnus saw little point in doing the same. Usually, he would have fought for it, but with his own heart feeling so dark, how could he?

“Would you hold me?” Alec asked, quietly.

Magnus nodded his head. “Of course, of course.”

They moved themselves around, Magnus needing to do most of the work because Alec could barely move. The fire was still burning, but the cause of Alec’s heat was the disease spreading through him. His skin was hot to touch and he was sweating, but Magnus looked passed that.

They ended up with Alec’s back resting against Magnus’ chest, Magnus’ legs knelt up and either side of Alec. As Magnus wrapped his arms around his husband, Alec held onto his hands and they gripped each other tight. Alec was scared, and Magnus was too. Neither knew what came next and it was so daunting, their hearts hollow in fear and sadness.

Alec took Max’s little bear into his arms, hugging it as he held onto Magnus. Two of the most important people in his life, there or by memory, that’s what Alec had then. That’s all he needed and that would be all he ever needed. Magnus would make sure of that, no matter what.

“Talk to me,” Alec said, his voice barely audible.

“About what?” Magnus asked, his heart in so much pain.

“Anything. I just want to hear your voice,” Alec said.

“Okay, okay,” Magnus said and took a few moments to think. He wanted to talk about something happy, something positive. Before, that’s what he would talk about, their times before. He would talk of something hopeful, of what they could have had, not about their reality.

“You know, back before when I thought we were going to get married, I planned it all out in my head.”

“You did?” Alec chuckled softly.

“Uh huh.” Tears were falling heavily and Magnus couldn’t have stopped them if he tried. “We would both be wearing white-,”

“You would never get me in _white_ ,” Alec said.

“I would have, I’m sure I could have persuaded you somehow,” Magnus said, laughing lightly as Alec did too. “And we would be stood at the front of this huge church, it was that one we went to, I can’t remember the name-,”

“Trinity.”

“Yeah.”

“I wanted us to get married there too,” Alec said, his implication light and happy, but it was sad now.

“It was so beautiful. We’d have it lined with daphnes, your favourites, and it would be full to the brim of everyone we loved. Max would be the ring bearer and he’d look so adorable in a little suit. And we’d say some gorgeous vows to each other, and everyone would be crying, and I’d woo the crowd with my wonderful words.

And you’d would look so handsome, nobody would be able to take their eyes off you. They’d all be so jealous, and I would parade you around, making them all more envious than they could even imagine. And you’d be mine and I’d be yours and it would all be perfect.

We’d dance to our song before we got mad raving drunk. Then we would sit outside on the grass or on the roof of our apartment and we’d watch the stars. We would be more in love than we could even comprehend and it would have been so beautiful. It would be expensive as hell-,”

“I wouldn’t… expect… any less… from you,” Alec said and Magnus tried to pretend that he was talking so slowly because he was falling asleep and not for any other reason.

“Then we’d go somewhere hot on our honeymoon, maybe Paris in the summer if we had a summer wedding. Do you remember when we went there the first time?”

“Mhm.”

“I never felt so in love until then.” Magnus’ breath was shaky. “I remember watching you feed the birds in front of the Eiffel Tower and even though that’s meant to be one of the most gorgeous pieces of works on the planet, I couldn’t take my eyes off you. You were just so peaceful and happy, and the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I fell in love with you, and that was the day I knew we were going to get married.”

Alec very, very gently squeezed Magnus’ hands as if that was all he could manage.

“After that, I thought we would settle down somewhere, maybe in New York or somewhere better for children, I hadn’t worked out all the details, you see.” Magnus tried to smile. “I don’t know how many we would have had, but I wanted a houseful. I wanted us to be surrounded by family and we would have been the best fathers, just the best.

We would have raised confident and beautiful children, they would have been the most loving things on the planet. We would have made them intelligent and accepting kids, and we would have loved them so much.”

Magnus waited for Alec to respond, but he didn’t. He couldn’t stop talking, not yet, he was not ready for this to be done. He wouldn’t ever be ready.

“We should have gotten that, Alexander, we should have. We deserved it. We’re good people and this life has made us do some terrible things, but we’re good people. I love you so much, and we deserved that life. We deserved to be fathers and raise happy and healthy children. We deserved a house and a garden, and pet cats even though you would want a dog to protect the house. We deserved good jobs and our families and friends to be close.

We deserved a good life, a happy one where we could be together. We were meant to grow old, surrounded by those we loved. We didn’t deserve this, Alec. Alec, please, please don’t leave me. Please.”

It was too late. Alec passed on as he spoke, taking his last breath in Magnus’ arms, the man he loved more than life itself and with his son’s bear in his own arms. Magnus sobbed well into the night, unable to let him go because how was he supposed to go on? How could he live without the love of his life by his side, helping him through everything? It just wasn’t possible.

They were meant to live a good life together, they were meant to be happy. Why did it all go so wrong? Why couldn’t they live happy in their lives, what did they do so wrong to deserve all this sorrow and pain?

They had had good lives before, lives full of family and friends. They had had jobs they loved and people they loved, and they had had each other. They had had routines and favourite films to watch at night, and regular date days, and everything that people had had when they fell in love with someone and when people had lives to lead.

They were meant to grow old together. They did not get that because no one got that. That was not the life they had led, they had led a life of hell and lives they were not meant to lead, losing people they were not meant to lose. Their lives had been full of sorrow and pain.

But it had not all been terrible. It was a different life to the one they had been expecting, but it wasn’t all bad. He had had his friends, he had had his family, and he had had his Alexander. Magnus had raised his son for a little while and maybe that had ended all too soon in such a cruel manner, but he had had a son. He had made Little Max the happiest little boy that he could be, he had heard his laugh and made him smile, and he had been a good father.

Magnus and Alec had promised each other that they would be there for the other forever. They would live together and be happy together in spite of everything that had happened, and that they would be together forever.

But they had forgotten that forever always ended. There was no real forever. They had believed in it like a warped fantasy that kept them going, but that was their hope. They had believed there was a forever because without that belief, they would never have been able to go on.

And now Alec was gone. Magnus was left all alone because their forever didn’t last. They deserved better but people didn’t get that anymore. What people deserved and what people got were two different things. Even if they were the best people on the planet, they wouldn’t get what they deserved because Raziel didn’t seem that kind anymore.

Life was always crueller than it seemed at first. Magnus had come to realise, as he held Alec in his arms, that it was much more difficult than was fair. Everyone had to go through it, but no one came out of it without scars. But the scars people got before and the ones they got now, they were two very different things.

Magnus had to dig the blade of his knife through his husband’s skull because he could not bear to see him as a walker. Alec would not have wanted that. But even after he had done it, Magnus kept his body close, hugging him tightly as the warmth faded from his body, as the blood seeped through and stained his shirt.

For a moment, Magnus considered going on, he considered trying to live on without Alec, but how could he? His only reason for living was because Alec was beside him. What was the point of living if you didn’t have people beside you to live for? Magnus couldn’t do it alone, there was no physical way for him to do it. Alec was his reason for going on and without him, Magnus felt worthless.

Somehow, the sun rose the next day but it was blocked by clouds. Birds sung in the trees and Magnus tried to take in the beauty of it all. The world was beautiful, but it was always corrupted by something. And somehow, that was life. It could be beautiful, it had its moments of absolute perfection, but it always, _always_ got ruined by something. Whether it was clouds in the sky or a walker on a hilltop in front of you, it always had its moments of imperfection.

And maybe you shouldn’t get hung up on those imperfections but some of them were so big, you simply couldn’t look passed them. For Magnus, losing Alec in this world was enough to keep him lingering on what he had to do. He couldn’t walk anymore because he could barely move. Without Alec, Magnus had no reason to go on.

He had bullets left, so he reloaded his gun and pressed the barrel to the side of his head. Alec was still in his arms, lifeless, eyes closed and still. He was serene, living in the next world without such pain. Magnus held onto one of his hands and the bear of his son with his free one and he took a deep breath.

He could see them all again. In the next world, be it heaven or somewhere else, Magnus could see them; Jace, Clary, Simon, Isabelle, his parents, his family, Max, Little Max, and now Alec. They were all there, waiting for him to join them. Magnus could almost see their hands reaching out for him to hold onto, helping him through it.

He had done so well, he had come so far. Going through as much as he had, it had changed him, made him a better man. His life had run its course and it was coming to its end. After seeing the world in both its great and terrible forms, Magnus had taken everything from life that he was going to get.

This was the next step, he tried not to see it as an end, but as a new beginning. Maybe there was something better in the next life. Maybe they would get something better, something happier. The white shores of heaven were calling to him, telling him to take that next step and that it was okay to be a little scared.

He took another deep breath and squeezed Alec’s hand again. He would see his Alec again and they would have a better life, whatever came next, it would be better. He wasn’t even scared, he was happy, Alec wasn’t in pain and he wouldn’t be either. There was only love in his heart, no sorrow, not anymore.

With his eyes closed, Magnus pulled the trigger, ready to see Alec again.

Life; it had been worth fighting for, until it hadn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, thank you. This has been the biggest thing I've posted and perhaps ever written at this point and the support and positive comments that have been written on this fic were absolutely lovely and really filled me with confidence.
> 
> I know the content was dark, but I hope the happier moments could make up for that. 
> 
> Just, thank you everyone. Everyone who commented, left kudos, read it, or even just clicked on it, thank you so much. It really means the world to me and I hope that you all enjoyed it.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and see you next time x

**Author's Note:**

> There should be weekly updates every Sunday (UK) as long as nothing comes up, and I promise you, I will not get halfway through and stop uploading, I could never do that.  
> Thanks for reading x


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